[Mr-Blank]

Hello all,

My ex broke it off 4 months ago after a 1.5yr relationship. We had our normal problems, and we both became really needy - she was insanely insecure and massively jealous. I now realise how unhealthy the relationship was, but it doesn't make it much easier to move on.

One night when we were having a bit of a standard fight over the phone she broke it off, said she doesn't love me anymore and we can't be together if she feels this way etc etc. Clearly it had been on her mind for a while.

So I've struggled through the past 4 months doing NC for about 3 of those months and I'm starting to enjoy being single again - I've had new lady friend (who I'm actually not that keen on, but its been fun to get back in the swing of things). I'm now reaching the stage where I don't care if I have a girl or not, just happy cruising along.

I deleted my ex's number about 1 month after the split up so I don't have her number, but she keeps contacting me every once in a while. She msg'd me on Christmas eve (, just wait 2 hours and its Christmas) to wish me and my family a merry xmas. I sat on it for 24hrs, wrote back a "same to you" message Christmas night after the festivities of the day were over.

Today she writes another message, "just checking up on you. Hope you and your family is well :)". I've just left my old job (which she knows I hated) and I'm looking forward to a new job I'm starting at the end of the month - I'm working out every day, hanging out with my friends all day, meeting new people and just enjoying life... I still think of her every day and she's been in my dreams for the last few nights.

Any ideas what her motives are? I think ill just write back telling her how happy I am with everything at the moment... I'm really looking forward to what the future has in store for me!

Thanks all!

[George_1950]

If you are past the emotional goo and blahs, I don't see any harm in returning a text, unless you are mad at her or disapprove of her past behavior for some reason. It sounds to me that you are in a much better position than you were four months ago; why would anyone want to go back to emotional tarpaper?

[Mr-Blank]

I'm still a bit angry at the way the break up occurred - she knew it was 2 days before final exams and if she had been thinking about it for so long 1 more week couldn't have hurt could it? However, we spoke about a week after the break up and she apologized for the way it happened.

When we broke up, It hit me like a tonne of bricks - during the whole relationship she was way more devoted than I was. After the break up, wow how the tables turned on me.

I don't think I'm ready to be friends, its still too soon, I still have the same feelings I used to have for her... even though I know I shouldn't. I guess what the brain thinks and the heart feels are two very different things..

I might just send a message telling her of the positive things now that she's no longer in the picture, delete any trace of her number and continue with the NC

[talaniman]

She is taking our temperature, seeing if your ready to cave in. Stay with NC, the hell with her motives.

[kuulski]

If you are Ok emotionally I am in the same boat as u. I went 4 months NC then my ex messaged me the day after christmas. Now she has been messaging me every day at work. Maybe she misses you and relizes she made a mistake? Maybe... or Maybe not. For me NC served its purpose and if trust/love was not an issue I don't see the harm in contact as long as like in my situation she initiates it and you go with the flow. Your flow. Not hers.
I have thought about cutting my ex off completely but realized for me it wouldn't be right. She was a great friend and I do still care about her. Not sure if it sounds similar but straight NC is good to settle things down after that when you feel the power I say do what your heart tells you to do. You don't have the emotional blinders on anymore so I think you can make better decisions based on your own wants and needs.

[Mr-Blank]

OK so I ended up replying to her message telling her all the positive stuff that is going on with me right now and said to say hi to her family for me. I left it at that, didn't ask her anything so as to not give her the impression that I want to know what is going on in her life.

So today I get another message from her telling me she just got her drivers licence... normally I wouldn't care but I was pushing her to go for her licence while we were together, and she was taking her time in bothering to do it. So its kind of painful to hear that she got around to it after we broke up rather then doing it while we were together.

So I guess the best approach would be to just return to NC and leave it at that, don't reply to the message and delete it so I get rid of her number again... I don't really want to know anything more about her life without me, too painful still...

[George_1950]

Sounds as though you are still needing time and space, my friend. Stay away until the pain is gone.

[BMI]

Stay away!

You have all your answers, they are peppered throughout your description of the situation. I think it's normal to re-visit feelings when someone from the past contacts you again, however, at your stage it will only do you harm.

Stay N/C and bythe time the hurt is over you may not really care what she is up to. Being friends with an ex is always risky business and most times its not worth the effort and thought put into it. Your moving along nicely by your own admission, any interference with what you are doing would be a huge folly on your part, TRUST ME!

[s_cianci]

You're doing all the right things. Keep doing them. But I wouldn't even bother writing back. Have no contact whatsoever. If she tries to contact you don't even respond.

[Mr-Blank]

Thanks folks - I think that advice is wise, I will stay away and rid myself of her number once again. My thoughts were similar to those above but I just needed someone to re-enforce those thoughts.

Surprisingly, despite being put in the worst mood by the message yesterday I had an insanely good night out last night with friends - I guess I am moving closer to being healed with every day that goes past.

[Mr-Blank]

... So it's a week and 1 day since she sent the message about getting her drivers licence, the message I didn't write back to.

Then I get another message today saying "Hey hows it going? :)"...

It's almost 5 months after the break up, I still think about her every day, I don't know what to do anymore :(

[George_1950]

NC, and you are doing just fine, sounds like to me. She's playing with you, like a cat does a rodent. You ever watched that happen?

[Mr-Blank]

Ahh... she just tried to call me then, I recognised her number and let it ring out.

Well she did this to me shortly after we broke up, so I guess its not wrong for me to do the same to her. Can't help but wonder what could she possibly want from me...

[Mr-Blank]

... and she's calling again... twice in 5 minutes... I feel like this is a bit immature not answering... I think I might just have to tell her I'm not ready to do this with her and be done with it.

[Mr-Blank]

Update..

Got a message saying she wants to catch up, misses talking to me, that I should call her back but if I "want to be left alone thats fine (it would suck but)"...

[Mr-Blank]

After discussion with family and friends I decided to give her a quick call.

Well wasn't that a complete waste of time, she was getting ready for bed and asked if she could call tomorrow... I was like errrm pretty busy tomorrow, but she insisted that she'd call in her lunch break and if I didn't answer she'd try again some other time.

Now I'm just pissed I didn't tell her we talk now to get it out of the way or not at all... I hate giving ultimatums but this is frustrating the hell out of me

[George_1950]

My advice, for what it is worth: do not discuss the relationship on the phone, only in person.

[Mr-Blank]

Sorry George I didn't want to see her in person, I don't trust myself when I'm around her...

So she called again today, I took the call, had some small talk then I got everything off my chest that I'd been thinking about for 5 months.

- Asked her what type of friendship does she plan on building if one minute we were together and the next she was off and didn't talk to me and didn't explain why we were breaking up etc. Gave her the whole friendships and relationships are built on trust and respect, which she did not show me during the break up so why should I expect it now.

- Asked her what the hell she was thinking with her complete 180 degree change, from not going out and drinking while we were together, to going out all night drinking etc after we broke up - quit smoking when we got together, started smoking again the day after we broke up.

- She's moved out of home and is living in a group house - she had planned to go to school this year.. don't know how that's going to happen, not my concearn however.

- I straight out told her she's the most judgemental person I know, and what's annoying me most about her now is that she is hanging out with a certain group of people "because they dont judge people"... I told her that's certainly not her and she's kidding herself if she thinks that's her.

So her phone dropped out, she called again 5 minutes later and just said if I want to go for coffee or something to just give her a call, otherwise its fine, to which I responded with "ok", left it at that and said our goodbyes.

I want to just write a final message reiterating the fact that her actions affect more than just herself, to stop being something that she's not, and that what goes around comes around... then get back to NC... I feel good now that I've said what I needed to say.

[Pbatoon]

To the looks of it, it looks like you were her stability and her rock. Yeah, she needed a break and I guess that 5 month break was that time that she needed to realize that you were the best guy for her.

Think of it like, you've made you mark.

In every girl. There's a point where she wants to be free and crazy and do whatever, that's their time for them to sow their oats I supposed. I guess for her, she just needed a little shift in lifestyle for the time being.

I don't understand how you say you don't care, its not my concern, and how she's kidding herself. Perhapsh she really is kidding herself, but You mentioned it here in the forums, its in your head. Deep down inside you do want to know more and are curious as hell.

Go out for some coffee, be friends, go with the flow. Who knows, maybe it'll be better now once everythings talked out.

I don't think running away from your problems solve anything especially someone who's impacted your life so much. Yeah, you can ignore her (especially if you think she has a motive), like what these guys say. But I think you're better off tying loose ends and possibly starting new.

Two days before final exams my girlfriend also broke up with me. We had our grace period of silence, we talked, we had dinner, hell she even picked me up from the airport and slept over (no sex/separate beds) to catch up when I came back. We're still good friends, just not boyfriend and girlfriend. Im still keeping in mind and hoping, but I'm also moving on. Just going with the flow I guess.

5 months is pretty long, especially for girls, that's a lot of change; new clothes, new hairstyle, new attitude etc etc... You guys now have 5 months worth of stories to talk about. I say meet up with her and go with the flow. That's just my opinion, ask her why she's been calling ask really listen. Listen for motives, listen for need, listen for yourself. You want to know too right? Listen, listen, listen. I bet she missed you a lot and thought about you every night also.

Just my 2cents.

[Mr-Blank]

Thanks for your post Pbatoon, I appreciate your input.

Well, I went with my gut instinct and decided to send her the final message before I get back into NC. I just wanted to sit and think about things that were said after the phone conversation.
- I reminded her that her actions affect other people, not just herself. (she admitted she was being selfish).
- I said I know she's probably trying to find herself right now but the person she's becoming isn't really her, some personal traits she has just cannot be changed.. she admitted that on the phone.
- I finished the message saying I'm not trying to be rude but I needed to tell her these things and that she can take what she wants from it. I finished it with: after all I've been honest with you the whole time I've known her and to give it some thought.


I think your right Pbatoon - she has taken on board the things I used to tell her when we were together (that she should get her drivers licence, that she didn't need to wear makeup as often as she did as she's truly pretty without it etc)... she just got her licence and she told me today that she doesn't wear any makeup anymore etc, so it looks like she's taken those things on board, so maybe she will think about what I said in the message and over the phone.

I don't like the person she's becoming, it's not the girl I fell in love with. My family and friends have told me she's a lost cause, and I'm starting to think they are right.