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Girlfriend troubles
Me and my girlfriend have been together about 4 months. About a month ago I had a strong suspicion she was lying to me about her association with this guy. She uses my laptop all the time to talk with people on myspace and so I installed a keylogger. The keylogger proved to me that she was lying about what was going on, but it alos showed that she wasn't cheating or trying to. It turned out the guy is her ex and was trying to hook back up with her and she was telling him no and that she was in love with me. But this was her story I just no the letter I read proved she wasn't cheating, I have no idea what they had spent the two months prior to that talking about. She had been lying to me about this for a couple of months. I confronted her and got very angry after I found out.I told her we were through. That same night I found out she had been lying to me about something else as well and she attempted suicide. We had a long talk the next day and she agreed to get some help and we stayed together.
Unfortunately now I'm having major trust issues with her. She went for coffee with a male friend, who as far as I knew she only knew from her brother. He ahd brought her back from her families after christmas and she wouldn't kiss me in front of him. As soon as he left she wrapped me up in a big kiss. She ended up calling me and leavign me a message at 4:00am saying he was "kidnapping" her. When I woke up the next morning and discovered she hadn't come home like she said she was going to I went ballistic. I called her like 3 or 4 times in a row and left her several messages. I accused her of cheating on me and she told me that they had gone to visit some friends in Salem I want to believe that but she has lied to me before and still hasn't attempted to seek help. Then she wanted to take off over to another guy's, who keeps saying that she's the one for him, house that she met on myspace and hasn't even met in person yet. We had a long fight followed by a long talk and she reminded me that she had made plans with this guy for New Years and was it okay if she still went. I told her okay. Well last night I found out he was picking her up at 2:00 this morning and that she was going to his place and wouldn't be back until Sunday morning. God typing this it seems so stupid that I'm even asking for advice. We had another big fight and she yelled at me for being jealous and trying to keep her away from her male friends, all of whom seem to have a crush on her. We settled the fight but I still felt really insecure about her leaving, right when he showed up to pick her up she asked me if I was going to get jealous again and I honestly replied "I don't know". She stormed out without kissing me, or even saying goodbye. Well that set me off again I immediately called her and told her that was ****ed up and asked her several times to come back so we could work this out. She refused and eventually shut off her phone. So my girlfriend ran out in the middle of a fight and went to this guys house. I'm in love with her and don't want to leave her, but I'm also tired of all this **** and I feel like she is abandoning me and refusing to accept that my behavior now is a natural succession to her lying to me. I'm getting all messed up in the head over this and reverting to older bad behaviors, cutting, trying to manipulate her, that I thought I had left behind a long time ago. I stopped myself after recognizong that I was back sliding, but I'm still so stressed I can't sleep. I know that in a way I'm being an *** by not trusting her and acuusing her of cheating on me, but she also did lie to me and these circumstances are ****ed up and convuluted just like her explanations. I really feel like I should just end it with her, but if she's telling the truth than that makes me the worlds most colossal ***. The lying is the only thing I know for a fact she did. She's been really great otherwise, not counting this last week. If I could manage to ever trust her again I can see this relationship going far. It just feels to me like she isn't making any effort to get me to trust her. All-night escapades with this guy, then arranging to meet another guy who professes that she is the one, then going and staying the night with the first guy. Jesus this sounds like a soap opera plot. I'm not sure where my life went this past week. I'm normally a very calm person who hates fighting and always tries to talk things out. Lately I've been like sucked in to this drama **** with her. Anyway, long post, I apologize, got any advice? |
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Well, here's more backstory
I actually got the idea of coming here after her telling me about this place when we first had problems. Here is a her post.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=15938 I basically had a strong feeling she was lying to me that whole time, I have a fairly well developed intuition. I can usually tell right away if someone is going to be bad from me and I never got anything but good "vibes" about her. Like I said this jealousy is eating me alive and I doubt I'd be feeling it if she had never lied to me before. |
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Trust
You put a program on the computer to check on her, and you are the one who is worried about trust??
Sorry, first she was being true, she was telling her ex no, and you could not just let it drop and love her for that. Sorry but I am having problems trying to see why she should and could trust you? Are you very controlling? If you want to make this work both of you go get counseling and both of you work on both of your problems. |
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I put the program on because I knew she was lying to me, and she was. She had been telling me from day one that this was some guy she had just met and that I was being silly for being jealous. Her correspondence with him persited over the course of a month and a half. Durign that time I confronted her numerous times with her little inconsitincies and gave her plenty of opportunities to tell me the truth. She never did. When I finally confronted her she apologized profusely, tried to kill herself and promised to get help which she never did.
Lately after spending a lot of time together she has started talking to and hanging out with all these guys that profess to like her. She took off in the middle of a fight to go with one of these guys. Anyway, I really don't need advice at this point. I'm through with her. She is going to get a reasonable amount of time to find a new place to live and my contact with her will cease. She hasn't called me once since she left and is ignoring my phone calls. I know for a fact that she spent the night at the house of a guy who liked her. She didn't turn to any of her female friends she ran off with a guy. I'm still stewing in anger, not so much at her, but at myself for ever giving her a second chance. It sucks cause I really love her, but I can't take this anymore. I'm reacting like I used to in high school and I'm a grown man now. My divorce didn't even stress me out this much. |
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Gir problems
Glad you decided finally, to move on, about time.Even though we find ourselves in love that doesn't mean this love is for us.If it brings out the worst then why bother.If we are honest we will be in love so many times after a while you lose count because it always ends in our hearts being broken,boo hoo,As we mature a little we don't rush so head long and lead with our hearts,we take it slow and really get to know a person.Being already divorced you should already no that a hasty decision seldom turns out good.What ever happened to the days when single guys just dated and made friends and partied and had 50 girlfriends but lived with none.:cool:
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Well unfortunately she does live here, and she is coming back some time today. I talked to her on the phone and she soundeed miserable and I think she's going to try to repair this. It isn't going to ****ing happen. I gave her plenty of opportunitys to talk to me and she never showed an iota of compassion for the pain I was going through. Her being sorry about her choices after the fact isn't going to change the fact that those were her choices and she needs to live with them.
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Spliting
Sounds like your mind is set for the big split, just remember to yourself that it is your call not hers.. Yes spliting up does make a lot of pain for both side's but if you have reached the point where there is no trust and constant fall outs then maybe it is time to move on with your life, hell we all learn in life as we move along over the years.
If you do split I have to say that for the first few weeks I'm a big beleaver in the N.C rule on both side's so you can both get your minds straight.. And this also helps you both come to terms with what is going on, if its second chance's down the line our a total write off. Good luck with what you do.. Always think before you take action. |
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Unfortunately she lives with me so the no contact rule is out the window. I can't kick her and her kid out on the street. Plus I feel like I need to know what she was thinking. If she really cared that this was happening I think I could more easily move on. If she didn't care then I made a horrible mistake in ever letting her into my life. I'm not sure, I wish I was it would be a lot easier, my heart is calling me to forgive her, my head is all ****ed up on the subject, and my hate is telling me to leave her. **** this is hard I'm obsessing over this and I can't stop. I had to medicate myself (thank god for muscle relaxants and vodka) so I could finally sleep. Even then I only got like 6 hours. I was fine when I woke up for like 20 minutes then I lost it again. This is just ****ing horrible and nasty.
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 Originally Posted by Parvan
Could you go and stop with friends or family for a few days to clear your head or check into a hotel... PS -- I think your safer to leave the vodka alone until your head is more straight mate |
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News flash said it best, pills and vodka will not help your state of mind,so relax and sleep those depressants off,then you can take a fresher look at the circumstances around you!:cool:
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Your girlfriend from her post seemed as though she wanted to win your trust back. Well there are a few things she needs to learn about winning trust back. Please have her explain the kissing thing. It could be that this guy was the sort that gets grossed out by anyone kissing in front of him. Now maybe he had feelings for her and didn't want to hurt his feelings well you know what I say? I don't give a durn if some other person likes you Ill be durned if anyone denies me my affection just because someone else feels something for them. That isn't your fault. If she was with him and you had feelings for her do you think she would give a sheeps fart about kissing him in front of you? I don't think so. You do not deny crankie her affection for no ho I tell you that right now. Im not saying you got to be all mushy cause I'm sorry I don't want to see tongue an nastiness going on in front of my face. Ugh gross but she could at least give you a sweet little peck on the lips and a hug. Everyone needs a hug. Don't go hanging out with other men at all hours of the day after you have broken trust and Im sorry but you shouldn't be alone all night with a male friend for alll hours when you have a boyfriend. Your girl if she is serious about you wouldn't be doing that stuff. Not saying she can't have guy friends but she needs to not be doing what she's doing. If she really wants to wrk this stuff out she's got to try harder. And I'm going to tell her that you do not hang out alone with a guy that likes you as more than a friend and has persisted in going after you. The reason I say this is because even if you don't do anything god you don't know how vile some people can be but that guy might go off and say you did stuff together even when you didn't. And I want to tell both of you to stop being so durn stupid with the suicide threating each other and cutting. That is not called for and if I hear you do it again I'm going to whup both yalls heads in. that's something my ex husband used to threaten to try to control me and I finallly told him "well let me know when your done cutting your wrist with that razor cause i gotta shave my legs." Both of you need to go seek counseling and have yourselves wrked on and I suggest you go to a relationship counselor. If your woman don't do what needs to be done then Im sorry but you just got to get rid of her. I reallly hope this all makes sense. I have been up since 4 this morning because it thundered out side and my children woke me up and decided it was party time so Im still not awake. IF you have any trouble please let me know. Let me know if there is anything else.
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Maybe a break is needed..
Originally Posted by nwsflash
Tell her that you want to take a break to think things over... scare her. Make her know that if she doesn't start thinking before she persues her actions, and she is going to lose you, forever. To me, she needs to learn responsibility a little better. I am curious, though... how old is she? P.S. I also agree to stay away from alcohol and pills.. not a good choice :). Seriously, hanging out with friends or close family members is probably the best "medicine". |
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You probably don't want to hear this, but it doesn't sound like this one's on the up-and-up. I'd end it with her. Don't feel guilty about it, either. It sounds like she's a manipulative and controlling person and you don't want or deserve that. You deserve to be her #1 and right now you aren't. Let her know that that's what you want and expect and will settle for nothing less. Then be true to your word. If you stick to your guns she may end up having a change of heart. If she doesn't, you'll still feel better about yourself and have more self-respect and others will respect you more as well for having convictions and sticking by them.
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The alcohol and the pills were simply to knock me out, haven't touched either since. I'm not the type of person who tries to deaden my pain through artificial means.
She came back at around 7:00 last night, we didn't fight which was good. I apologized for my bad behavior and finally got to say my piece. We agreed to go to counseling together and she told me she was unsure about getting back together. Seeing her and having her near I immediately wanted to be back with her. We were talking almost all night and at around 2:00 am we went to the Oregon Coast and got a motel room. We both agreed that sex right now was a bad idea and we kept to that. It was the first time I've easily fallen asleep since Dec 29th. Her son woke us up about 2 hours after we fell asleep and we spent the morning petering around tryign to catch a nap or two. We left the hotel and went and got some lunch. After that we went to an incredible art gallery. They had a whole section devoted to Roman Dirge, Edward Gorey,Gris Grimly, and Tim Burton. I bought some Lenore action figures and Gris Grimley's Wicked Nursery Ryhmes. Then we drove up to the beach and took a nap. The sea was incredible, we've been having flooding so the ocean is about 30ft higher. The waves were running about 20ft and the sun was out. We went to seaside and walked around there went to another gallery and spent a lot of time holding hands kissing and telling each other that we loved each other. We got home and Josh(her son) refused to go to sleep. I got a little nap and then woke up. I realized that no matter how nice today and who's fault it was that this was the second time our relationship had caused me extreem pain. I went to my ex wife's apartment and told her everything. She (my ex) just kept telling me she was sorry. We talked and then I came home. When I came home I told Maryanna that I couldn't be with her and she needed to move out since I can't be around her without wanting to be with her. She has two weeks to find a new place to live and to get her personal things out. Her furniture can stay here till she finds something permanent. It went over surprisingly well. I still want to go into the counselor with her, not sure if she is going to. |
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g/f trouble
Boy, do you need a vacation!I like the fact that you told her she has to move but counceling with her? Don't know about that though!By yourself makes more sense to me.For a minute it was starting to sound like where ever she leads you follow,and that is a pattern you must break.You are just to available for her and I think you are prolonging the inevitable.That she hasn't made up her mind abouy your relationship and she has a dude friend to turn to?She can say and do anything she wants because she has a safety net and she still has you on a string so where is her motivation to be with you?While you keep talking she's steadily walkin'dude .time to look out for yourself.Like I said you need a long vacation away from her!:cool:
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Originally Posted by talaniman
The only reason I'm suggesting counseling with her is so that we can work through this and possibly remain friends. |
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Dude... I'd RUN from this one. She is VERY mixed up. AND she keeps sleeping with other guys. WHY?
She has cheated on you and runs away when the fire gets hot. It's a form of abuse. Some woman JUST can't be with one guy. I HATE the fact you appoligized to her - WHY?? My good - be a freaking man... she seems to walk all over you. Counseling Won't work with this one. Once a cheater - always a cheater - it's proved over and over on this board. I think you are WAY too nice to this women and she actually dispises that. You need to learn about nice guys. A real man would have thrown this woman to the curd a lon gtime ago. I agree- she is tstringing you a long like a little puppy. |
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G/F Troubles..
Not only do I agree with Wildcat I have to go along with his NO nonsense way of telling you BE a MAN!Stand up and get what YOU want.As I've said many a time -There are a lot of truly bad ladies out there so why in the h***l don't you get one of them! Or YOU need a long vacation. Quite crying and start to get someone whom you would like without the extra baggage!! :cool: :eek: :)
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I agree there.
My advise to guys is with woman he need all these 'men friends' around - RUN. The are very low self esteem woman who need WAY too much attention to have a healthy relationship. |
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Originally Posted by Wildcat21
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