[Moon777]

Hi
I met this guy on line, from the start we connected, and had a lot of things in common, I was impressed that he never in two weeks while dating never even mentioned or implied to have sex, I even met his mom and his club friends before we even got intimate, he met my girls and came often to visit. Eventually we got involved but I really was never atracted to him as he is a overweight with a big stomach and from what I saw at his place was really messy and a bit of a "slob", you know the food droping on the shirt type. I was really busy with my teacher's college and never really got to truly think about this, just got along with whatever he proposed- to move in to a townhouse and not to stay my apartment, then two months later when I said I can't move in if it is not something serious he proposed, ad hoc, he asked if I am not going to be embarrassed to be proposed in front of a lot of people,and I went with the flow- he also spoiled us a lot, and my girls- in one way I wanted to please him- I see this now. He proposed and of course in the run of events I said yes. We were good friends as I saw it. Now I remember though he was away for a week ( after he proposed) and when he came back I was somehow scared because I kind of felt that I really don't like him sexually, like I had to close my eyes to make love to him so I am not grossed out but I thought he is a good guy and I can get over it or I had to not look at him when he kissed me. Anyway needless to say we moved in and if not in bed with him everything seemed to be OK, everything matched, our interests, and the kids kind of liked him, he was still spoling us and I finished techer's college and I was looking for a job. He was a good lover but I really wasn't atracted to him you know not inspired to do anything.
After we moved in after about three months he started saying that I would have never finished my college without him , that I would have never get out of my rut apartment without him and that I looked very sick and terrible when he met me and thanks god I met him. It kind of hurt because it robed me of any effort that I put in.
After a while he lost his job and I found a job so now I was paying for all the bills and so on. With his job lost he became even messier than before, like when he met my principal while talking to her he would scratch his crouch!! And fart in the class while setting it up and tell dirtly jokes to people he only met then! Like to my colleagues. He would fart in bed... so my little interest that I had-like almost none it came down to -- zero. I had to tell him and he would be ofended that he has to take a shower or to stop picking his buggers in thecar and wipe them on my chair!! Anyway with stress from school -teaching grades 7,8 I totally lost any kindness to him and in the end just before christmas-well beginning of December after I realised that he also has flaws in the way of handling the truth- he would lie just to pass by, and at thanksgiving he threw himself on the floor at his moms, and he lied to his sister, I said he has to change because this can't work like that. His solution was fine, than we move on. So the next day I still tried to kind of reconcile with the situation but the horrible things still continued so in the end I just broke off with him. So he moved out ---to his mom!! My girls were relieved and told me that they didn't know how to tell me that they don't like him.

My question is if I lost my mind or did I do the right thing, sometimes I feel that I wasn[t honest with him in the start, maybe I should have waited longer , I gave him the ring back, but I do feel like a failure, not being able to commit no matter what..
What do you think, am I a really terible person? And what will his mom(a very nice lady actually) think about me---maybe I am too worried about what other people think. It is just me and the girls here, my family is not here and moving in with him I lost the little friends I had...

[Ash123]

As bad as it is to break off an engagement - it still in comparison to breaking up a marriage.

With all these doubts, make sure you do not get married unless you are sure.

You do not sound like a perfect match from what you have written, but it is good that you were willing to consider a lifetime together... even if it may not be right now.

[kuulski]

Its amazing to me you are even considering if you made a mistake. RUN! Seriously you deserve better. Good Luck!

[bushg]

Moon 777 if his mom gets mad at you it is only because now he is living with her. She will not want his farting, booger wiping, messy, ill mannered self in her house very long. The only thing I see that you did wrong was to put someone's wants and needs before yours.
You ignored your feelings and as a result you had to deal with a pretty unpleasant person... who would have gotten worse. Tell your kids that you are sorry and learn from this mistake. If you are geared toward people pleasing... read some books, get some counseling so that you do not make this mistake again or worse.

[Moon777]

Thanks so much , your thoughts really put me at ease,
Much appreciated

Moon777

[oneguyinohio]

I agree with the other posts, but wanted to add that if you are at all feeling any guilt about the things you accepted from him, such as the apartment, and the good treatment he gave you, don't let that stop you from being happy, but remember him for that when you decide on your kindness toward him in the future. That does not mean to change your decision, but just don't remember him or treat him with total malice and contempt in future interactions. It just didn't work out, and he wasn't all bad...

[jrebel7]

Moon777, when reading your post, I saw a woman on her own, struggling with school, raising children and in need of some tender loving care. It appears that he provided that. You mentioned several times that he spoiled you and your children. It seems to me that you were in a position where he met some needs, you went along with things and enjoyed being treated special. (I believe perhaps what you are feeling about the break up, is a little guilt that you did accept his kindnesses and spoiling). He chose to treat you well in the beginning, you received it but that does not mean he should own you, speak ill of your accomplishments nor should he behave in a disgusting manner. I also see that perhaps, he hid some of his personality from you until he felt you were committed which I suppose we all put best foot forward in the beginning I suppose. When he began saying "that I would have never finished my college without him , that I would have never get out of my rut apartment without him and that I looked very sick and terrible when he met me and thanks god I met him." that would have been a huge red flag to me that perhaps he was depending on you to make him look good in other's eyes.

Be thankful for the kindnesses the guy did provide in the beginning like Oneguy said, forgive yourself like Bushg suggested but realize he received a lot from you and your children in terms of acceptance and such. It was not one sided. Don't kick yourself. Move forward. There is someone special out there for you. Just take pride in who you are and what you have accomplished and when choosing someone to date or marry, don't settle for less than you want for any reason. Marriage is difficult enough when there is a deep abiding love, mutual respect, and physical attraction. May I also say that the choices you make and the reasons you make them are teaching your children how to make their choices. Help them believe in themselves and respect who they are and teach them not to settle for less than they deserve by living that example in front of them every day of your life. I am proud of you for getting out. It sounds like your children are also and that they respect you or they would have voiced their opinions sooner. You are not a failure. Staying in a situation where you are compromising your self-respect, letting someone make you feel less than you are, and staying out of guilt or some sense of "I owe him", that would be the mistake. I am too wordy but just hold your head up high, be kind but don't look back. Of course, I am not trying to tell you what to do, just stating my opinion. :)

[talaniman]

I truly hope you can put this behind you, and learn the lessons, from this experience. Ignoring the red flags, moving to fast, and going along with whatever he says, put you under his control, and dependent on him, as you found out to late about his true nature. Go slower in the future, and examine those red flags closer. If you have to close your eyes to make love, not a good idea to marry him.