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wot2do · Dec 23, 2007, 01:30 PM

Today after splitting up for about 1 month, not seen/spoken to my ex-gf in 2weeks, I went over to my ex-GF house gave her a enveloped letter saying how I felt and briefly spoke to her for about 20mins just about how she is doing/ how I am before saying I must leave. She was surprised to see me but was very happy. She obviously missed me a lot as she hugged me a lot and I didn't iniate anything. I asked her what she was doing for new years eve - she said nothing, which I was kind of glad of and noted. Anway, I gave her the letter and told her to read it after I left.

About an hour later, I phoned her. My plan was simply to ask her if she would like to do something on new years eve. She said she thought it was'nt a good idea, we would be getting drunk, things mite happen - bugger, the letter obviously did not have any miraculous effects.

I asked her how she felt now - did still feel the same? Did she need more time still - I told her how difficult it was for me not to phone or see her but I am doing it out of respect for her. She told me she keeps nearly making up her mind up about us, but when she sees me she's not sure again. At first I was thinking this means she has decided to end it, but sees me and is unsure. I questioned her about and she says no, instead, she misses me so much she keeps thinking she wants to get back together, but when she sees me she gets so upset again and hates being this upset. I asked her if she would consider couples counseling - she said she would but is v embarressed about the idea. I told her I would find out more about it. She is calling me tomorrow. This is a good step don't you think?

NC does not always work! Do not blindly follow what other people tell you to do. The reason my girlfriend split up with me is because I did not pay her enough attention, it seemed I wasn't that bothered about her. How wrong she is! Hopefully counseling can sort that out. She says she still loves me and will always love me - I have to believe that is enough to get us through this.

Suelle383 · Dec 23, 2007, 03:28 PM

Good luck! Of course every relationship is different so yes, if you're girlfriend broke up with you because you didn't pay her enough attention than of course NC wouldn't be right for your situation. I think when people say do "NC" is it usually because (1) the relationship is definitely over or (2) the reason for the breakup was that one of the partner's needed space because the other partner was being too needy/clingy, etc.

little firefly · Dec 23, 2007, 03:45 PM

Well for me, and a lot of others here, doing N/C is a way for us to heal our hearts and be able to move forward with our lives. I'm not doing it to try to get mt ex boyfriend back, I'm doing it to get my life back, and to rid myself once and for all of the feelings of hurt and pain that I've felt for far too long. I'll admit that in the beginning I broke N/C several times and all it did was take me back to square one in my healing. Now it's been almost 2 months of N/C and I'm feeling stronger than I have in a really long time. It's thanks to several of the other posters here that I did N/C, and I'm so thankful that I finally listened to them! :)

s_cianci · Dec 23, 2007, 04:04 PM

Originally Posted by wot2do

NC does not always work! Do not blindly follow what other people tell you to do. The reason my gf split up with me is because i did not pay her enough attention, it seemed i wasnt that bothered about her. How wrong she is! Hopefully councelling can sort that out. She says she still loves me and will always love me - i have to believe that is enough to get us through this.

Be careful. Women rarely tell you the real reason for their breakup. Actually you probably smothered the sh_t out of her and gave her no space whatsoever. See, I once had a girlfriend break up with me with pretty much the same story as yours. But as I look back I have to admit that I smothered her to death and was way too clingy and needy. Naturally it was a big turn-off to her. The only irony is that her excuse to me was almost the exact opposite of what was really on her mind. I think you may be facing a similar situation here. Writing her letters and saying "don't read it until I leave", suggesting couples counseling, etc. are going to be seen by her as signs of weakness, even if you have good intentions. Those options may make sense from an "academic" point of view but I doubt that she's looking at this from an intellectual approach. No contact really is best. It'll make her realize that you can be happy with or without her and it'll also make her realize that if she wants to see you, she has to work for the opportunity. Women like a challenge in relationships and when you're always there and always available to them 24/7/365, that's no challenge and they get bored. Being needy and clingy were bad habits for me during my bachelor years, not just where this one girlfriend is concerned but with most of them. But you know, in breaking up with me, not one of them ever said "you're too needy, you're too clingy, you don't give me any space." Perhaps they weren't fully consciously aware of it themselves, in which case you can hardly expect them to verbalize it. Now you can pooh-pooh the advice that's given on this forum but it is the voice of experience and, in a lot of cases, even academic research on the subject.

Fr_Chuck · Dec 23, 2007, 04:09 PM

I would say get back to us in two months, if you have now already got your hopes up, starting to make new plans, and nothing happens, you are back to day one of heart ache and have not one step forward to getting over her. NC is to get over someone, not a way to get back with them, if you want to get back with them, of course you have to have contact.

Jiser · Dec 23, 2007, 04:17 PM

Pretty much same here s_cianci, although there were lots of other reasons to.

talaniman · Dec 23, 2007, 07:36 PM

Keep us updated.

George_1950 · Dec 23, 2007, 08:51 PM

This is what I call "Whistling past the graveyard." You are confused; she just doesn't want to hurt you.

talaniman · Dec 23, 2007, 09:10 PM

I see the confusion here, Wot2do. You think you can correct your past mistakes by being attentive now? Women don't work that way, and I think you should accept, that its to little, to late. They get so pissed if they have to tell you something you should know, if that's the real and only reason for the break up, which I seriously doubt.

wot2do · Dec 24, 2007, 03:22 AM

Maybe you guys are right, that I am setting myself up for a fall. But maybe she is generally confused, was unhappy in the relationship, loves me more than anything but at the moment can't see a way for the relationship to work. This may be where counselling will help.

Although - I am getting very mixed messages. For example I also asked her if she would like to go out on new years eve (because she said she wasn't do nethin when I asked her when I went to her house) and she thought it was a bad idea because we would be getting drunk and things mite happen. Clearly she doesn't want to jump right back into a relationship where things were the same before. But when I talk to her about how I feel and tell her I never realised little things I did before that made her upset but I do now I think maybe I am getting through. She was getting upset on the phone - I was calm - and I asked her are you getting upset for me or for yourself ? Because if she is crying over upsetting me clearly she has already decided its over - I am still not sure on that answer.
Anyway I also asked her is anything I am saying/doing making a difference? And she said it was. I said to her that I really don't want to not see her anymore and how does she feel about spending sometime together. She said she really wanted to do that - and said about after new years she has a week off. I said I was worried because I don't want her to start seeing me as just a friend. She said she will never see me as just a friend so I should not worry about that. Also a confusing statement.

My biggest problem at the moment is I am doing my finals at university, exams, coursework - I'm major behind - I was a top grade student and now I might not get the grade I want. Not talking to her did not help, talking to her - well I'm not sure if it helped.. depends how the conversation tonight goes. At the moment I feel able to concentrate, but if she changes her mind tonight which I'm worried about... arg. I love her too much to not try - I really think it will just be a slow process, gaining her trust, and trying again in the future. I wander what the couples counselor will say - 3rd party may help untangle what she is really thinking.

JoeCanada76 · Dec 24, 2007, 03:32 AM

I didn't iniate anything

You sure did by going over and giving her an envolope. No contact works and apparently you have not seen how contact has hurt you and her. It is over, and she obviously can not make up her mind. The moment you showed up, guess what ended up happening. You ended the no contact. Now your in deeper then before. It is not going to work. Stop iniatating contact.

talaniman · Dec 24, 2007, 07:52 AM

A relationship is over when one partner, for whatever reason, is unwilling to work with the other partner anymore. At that point, there are NO fixable problems. Its over. And until you accept that FACT, you will spin your wheels in confusion, and false hope.

wot2do · Dec 28, 2007, 04:16 AM

I am really finding this hard and need some words of encouragement. My (ex?) girlfriend and I have been txting lots over xmas; although she does take a long time to respond which is really annoying!! Should I read into it?

Secondly, she said she wants to spend some time together, but she still needs more time - wth does that mean? TO WOMAN: what does she need this time to think about? Surely the only question she should be asking is 'Is my life better with this man in it or not?' End of story. It's already been a month since we broke up - she says she keeps thinking she wants me back but then get upset when I am there. Will som1 shoot me now please? Now she already said she would go for counseling so maybe I am just being very selfish and trying to move things on faster but god dam this is so hard.

What should I do? Am I single? Its new years eve soon - should I go out on the pull? I honestly don't want anybody in the world but her and I'm not attracted to anyone else at the moment - which is odd because when I was with her for the first 3 years I was always thinking I could do better. Although I realised I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and she is perfect and I don't want anyone else. DAMMIT I Want to SCREAM - IM GOING CRAZY!!

George_1950 · Dec 28, 2007, 07:01 AM

I think you are working it way too hard. She takes too long to respond? You are being too demanding. She says she need more time? Give her eternity, my man. You need peace and be able to rid yourself of confusion. In my humble view, it is absolute NC for her; go to the internet, library, or book store and read everything you can on this subject while you are interested in it.

little firefly · Dec 28, 2007, 07:56 AM

My advice... Go out, hang with friends, live your life, concentrate on you. Give this girl the time she needs to think, and maybe by the time she figures it out you'll be past it and happy either enjoying the single life or in a new relationship. Believe me I thought my world would end when my ex broke up with me (just read my previous posts to see how pathetic I was), well guess what, my world didn't end and I'm feeling happier and more at peace than I have in a really long time. Please trust me, things WILL get better, with OR without her! :)

ISneezeFunny · Dec 28, 2007, 08:06 AM

Dude...

Everyone here tells you... back off. Give her space. Don't do anything. Fulfill your own life.

... you come back the next day and go I SAW HER AND IT WENT BADLY... or... I CALLED HER AND THERE WAS NOTHING... well... duh?

You guys are broken up. It's over. You're single. She's single. You're entitled to COMPLETE freedom, so is she. The only reason she's talking to you is because she doesn't want that void to happen. Obviously, you meant something to her in her life. With you completely gone, she has to deal with the void. So she doesn't. She wants to remain friends. This way, she doesn't have that big gaping hole, but she's also single.

If you don't want to hurt, quit seeing her... quit talking to her... quit texting her... quit EVERYTHING.

Go on about your life like she doesn't exist. 2 things can happen this way:

1: she'll miss you so much... and come back (from what I can tell... that... is kind of unlikely. You've beaten the dead horse... and then burned it)

2: you two will move on. And the NC thing will help you move on that much better.

If you continue to contact her, 1 thing can happen:

1: you will push her away even further into the friend zone. Sooner or later, she'll be annoyed/frustrated with you and she will stop contacting you. She will find someone new (or remain single) but in either case, you will be upset. Nothing good will come out of this.

wot2do · Dec 28, 2007, 08:24 AM

Isneezefunny - We are not over - she has said that she wants to go to couples counseling - thereby she has not lost hope in our relationship. She said she loves me and will always love me, said she keeps nearly calling to get back together but she is having trouble getting over the things I've done in the past to upset her (ignoring her needs completely) and is worried I won't change and things will go back to the way they were. This is not a simple case of she's dumped me get over it. We have been together nearly 4 years and for the last year I've practically ignored everything she wanted to do because I was not sure how I felt about her anymore. The last few months I realised she is the one for me but obviously this has taken its tole on her.

Maybe she will never forgive me thereby there is no way we can move on but I believe a independent 3rd party can at least separate these issues - us and the relationship. Either way it is hard to give her the time she so obviously needs now and true what I must do is concentrate on myself, my exams and my health to stop myself going crazy in the mean time. This is not a lost cause, I do not 'do' lost causes.

talaniman · Dec 28, 2007, 08:35 AM

Your basing all of this on "she said". What does she do, besides talk??

George_1950 · Dec 28, 2007, 08:42 AM

Another symptom: "Maybe she will never forgive me". You are taking the blame. There is a reason why all is not well. I hope you can find it, sooner rather than later.

wot2do · Dec 28, 2007, 08:55 AM

Your so right talaniman! At this moment in time it is all talk. I mean when we see each other she if very touchy feely but in essence all she is doing is agreeing to things I am suggesting. I know the path I am on is very self-destructive and many have fallen before me on it but I can't give up on her yet. I keep going through in my head things she has said to me like never being apart, she was saving up for a house for 2 of us, she even asked for some plates and cups for us ready when we do eventually get a house for her birthday like 2 months ago from her mum. Always asking when I would marry her, I remember several occasions she would say 'your never going to marry me are you' and I would say yea one day if your lucky - make a joke out of it. I think I tried to make her insecure about us but I don't know why :( I feel so stupid for not seeing this coming. And now I feel like everyone can see what's happening but me and I'm too stupid too realise but she gives me hope sometimes - little things she says, the counseling is a huge part of that actually. I have to believe - I don't want to feel like I did again when she first broke up with me.