[belightingguy]

All the threads about this relationship have been merged

First off, I am a 28 y/o male. My ex is 26 y/o. We have dated about 9 months. Throughout the beginning of the relationship, she would almost every month go through these "we're not right for eachother" things, which began to wear on me. I think most human beings don't want to feel like their love has doubts about them. After about 4 months, these episodes vanished off, and things in my eyes have been pretty good. About a week and a half ago, we had an argument that took a bad turn, she ended up leaving my house, pretty much relationship in shambles. We talked a few days later and she told me she wanted to take a week off to decide whether the relationship was worth fixing. Well, today was the day that we met up and discussed things. Keep in mind I love this girl to pieces, and all I want to do is fix things! She said the main thing was that she felt like something was missing and like we weren't friends. She wants to start fresh and we have our "first" date on Friday. She's saying that if things work out they work out, otherwise we'll move on. I am fine with that, but I suppose I have some inner conflict playing out in my mind. First things first, she needed to take a week off, which in my eyes either means she wanted to be in the relationship, and was trying to convince herself why she shouldn't be, or she didn't want to be in the relationship and was trying to convince herself why she should be. Either way sucks. Second, I am grateful that she has at least said she wants to start over and rebuild our relationship if things work. I love this girl so much and I am willing to do whatever she wants to rebuild us. My only fear is that I don't know if she is going to be dating other people and I will just be one guy fighting for her attention. Seeing that I dated her for 9 months, it just seems kind of messed up, and I know I definitely will only being seeing her. My mother thinks it seems weird that my ex didn't feel like we had a friendship (both I and my mother know how my ex and I were, we were definitely friends!), and offered the advice to just be prepared. She suggested that maybe she's just leading me on until she finds something better. I know I love this girl completely, and I have let her know that, but I guess I'm seeking any insight or advice that anyone might have. Should I try the "starting over" thing in hopes that we can rekindle something stronger, knowing that it could just lead to more heartache, or should I just accept the loss and move on? I'm so confused. I spent a week apart from her knowing that I could easily make things better, not knowing what she would decide, and now she wants to "start over" and see if things can work out. And I mean start over in the strongest sense of the phrase. She wants me to call her to ask her out, she's not staying with me anymore, etc. It's a little overwhelming to go from 9 months to a "first" date with a girl I'm totally in love with. I just don't really want to get hurt anymore than the pain I felt the last week, but at the same time I have so much hope for us. Anyone? Thanks! ~Neil

[N0help4u]

When you first start going with someone there are more feelings, emotions etc... that get lost somewhere along the way and she probably wants to find that feeling again. I heard a study that said that is why Hollywood has such a high divorce rate is because they want that chemistry to last and then they give up on the love/commitment part when it doesn't.
She could also feel that something's are going too fast and she wants to start back at step one and redo the communicating and slow down a bit on whatever she feels might be going too fast for her.
I don't think it can hurt to do what she is asking. At least she isn't doing like a lot of girls and saying she needs a break from you to 'think things over'

[450donn]

Move on. If she is that unsure, give her her space and if she comes to her senses, then you might consider trying again. Otherwise get on with your life. Start dating other women and forget her.

[belightingguy]

Thank you nohelp. I am going to give things a try with us. I love her, and I will honor anything that she wants without question. We hung out on her lunch break today, and just talked about all kinds of things we have never talked about, held hands, and it felt really good. So perhaps you're right, she just wants to go back, slow things down, and learn things that we didn't find in the past. We did just kind of "jump" into things, so it's very possible she felt like something was missing. It kind of makes the whole relationship exciting again too, seeing that we are going on a "first" date. Kind of fun and cute...

[N0help4u]

Yeah you'd be surprised how most couples get together and years later can't tell you much of anything about the other because they never asked questions like where would they like to live the rest of their life, What kind of work they would love to do more than anything, how they want to raise their kids and how many or even what the other persons favorite color or favorite things are or what kind of things are most important or meaningful to them. Then they get married and problems come up like he wants to live in a high raise in a big city and no kids and she wants to live in ranch style house in the suburbs and have 4 kids.

[belightingguy]

So I talked with my ex or whatever she is at this point last night and asked her if it bothered her when I tell her I love her. After awhile she said, "It's weird, a week and a half ago I wanted to be all over you, but now I don't. It's like the spark of attraction is gone with the excitment of friendship." She also said that she isn't in love with me anymore, but still loves me. She wants to do the dating thing because she knows the guy she fell in love with is still inside me. So... is this girl that I loved for 9 months and am still in love with totally giving me lines and just playing me? I don't think she'd have any reason to lie, I have always had the utmost trust in her, but the situation just feels fishy. It's strange, because their isn't really closure, but we're not exactly working things out from where they were either. Ugh. Any advice or insights?

[nkychic]

Honestly, it seems to me that she is really trying to make this work, but trying against her own heart. I don't mean to sound rude or mean in any way. Please don't take anything I say as insult or against you. When you first stated that she said "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" the first thing I thought was... she's letting you down easy. But then you said that she wants to start over because she knows the guy she was in love with before is still in there somewhere. That makes me feel like she really wants this relationship to work out, but for whatever reason, her feelings have changed. Unfortunately this is a part of life. That's why we don't all end up with our "First Love." You can't blame her or yourself for this. Don't get yourself stuck in a "Long Goodbye" though. That situation will be harder on both you, her, and the relationship. Maybe YOU should give it a break for a while. Tell her that YOU need time to sit back and take all of this in, get your perspective on it. Ever heard the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? This could be what it takes to figure out what you both need. Keep in mind however that this can make or break the relationship. I strongly believe that those things that are meant to be WILL be. Good luck hon. I really do hope that in the end you are happy! I hope everything works out for you both, whether it be together or apart.

<3 Leslie

Ps. Again, please don't take any of this as insult, this is just my opinion. I am only a stranger responding to a post. Obviously nothing I say is set in stone. Follow your heart, but listen also with you mind!

[N0help4u]

I have a feeling she isn't sure what she wants or even what love is. She wants love 'feelings' but love is more of a growing together thing once the 'feelings' have grown old.
She may feel like she hasn't experienced life enough yet and is scared of feeling tied down to one person with no chance of 'finding herself' too.

[belightingguy]

As the days go by, I just get more and more confused. Yesterday I dropped a white rose (symbolic of new beginnings) and a card off on her car while she was at work. Just put a sweet little note on it, "I figured since it was kind of crummy out today I'd drop some sunshine off in yours! Hope you're having a good day ~ Talk to you soon". About 6:15 my doorbell rings, it's her, and she gives me a kiss and says I made her day, and then says she has to go. She certainly didn't have to do that, so I'm hoping she did it because she wanted to, and not because she's just trying to string me along. My friend Dina seems to think that maybe she got stressed out and panicked, and thought that breaking up was the only way to resolve things. Dina also said that maybe after she calmed down she realized she does want to work through things. I am going to continue to try to make this work... One of the things Dina said to me that was super insightful was that "As long as you keep trying, you can't look back and regret that you didn't try hard enough." So true! I just really want to let my shields back down and get our relationship back on track, but I've kind of put them up so my heart doesn't get broken again if things don't work. You'd think at 28 I'd have some understanding of how these relationship things work. Ha

[belightingguy]

Ok, quick summary of how things went down. I dated a girl for 9 months, and for about 5 months of that we were having sex together. We split up one night after a stupid argument and talked a few days later. I apologized to her and said I knew we both got a little out of hand that night, and that I still loved her and wanted to be with her, but she said she wanted a week to herself to decide whether we are right for each other. The week passed, and we met up to discuss our future. She said she wanted to "start over" with us. Doing the dating thing, acting like the 9 months never existed, etc. She also said she wanted to be celibate, and not have sex anymore until she is married. Because I'm crazy about this girl, I said I would totally do whatever she wanted. So here we are, about 2 weeks in to our "new" relationship, and it feels so different. It's just really weird not making love to her, and pretending that the 9 months never existed. I still love this girl with all my heart, but I am also a very sexual person, and it is so weird that we were once sexually active, and now we aren't. I want to stick it out with her, because I do love her a ton, but a major element is missing now. Anyone have any insights or advice? If you need more information, feel free to ask! I'm an open book! Fyi, I am 28 and she is 26.

[Ash123]

Ok... can you really do this?

If so, go for it.

If you are not sure, youal may need to talk more.

Could you see getting married in the net year?

I am not sure why you would have sex and then stop... it seems like a bit late for the virgin thing... maybe it's something else. Go slow... don't pressure her...

[belightingguy]

Well, I kind of mentioned it to her last night, and it definitely upset her. I don't feel like I can talk to her about it without fearing she could just walk out and never look back. She gave me the whole "maybe we're not right for each other" talk, but I calmed her down and let her know I love her, and that I'm just super confused by the whole situation. I.e. I don't know what the boundaries are now and I can't understand how she expects everything to be just peachy when a major element is removed. I'm at loss for words... we used to do everything together, and now there is a wall there and romantic moments go no further than kissing. I want to work through this, but I'm not sure if I can.. I am going at it day by day and trying to follow my heart as best as I can.

The whole situation is strange; I am totally in love with her but the relationship totally 180'd. We have been working effectively on the little things that added up to our initial breakdown (the things that were missing or were there but just needed work), but now something else is completely void in the relationship. A little added information, about the first 3 months of the relationship every month she would approach me with the "I don't know if we're right for each other" speech. And every month I stayed with her. That is kind of why I feel like I can't talk to her about it. It's like walking on egg shells.

And I have talked to her about marriage on several occasions. I love everything about her and what we had. I had planned on proposing to her within the next year or so, but like I said, it's just completely different now. I almost feel betrayed by her decision to go celibate I guess. I know it is completely her soul, her body, her decision, but like you said, I don't really understand how someone could go from wanting to have sex, to wanting to be a born again virgin.

Oh and thanks for your response! Much appreciated.

[Ash123]

Play it cool. leave sex off the table and just quietly listen.

I am not sure but i think she is going thru some stuff and women "shut down" when they are depressed or unsure...No sex means No stress....

If it was me I would love her better than ever and act like it was fine... and then slowly move away to "honor her time to be alone" if she has to have it... you may find that showing her you can walk away if she wants you to - even though you are in love - may make her not take you for granted. She may need a boost...

[Fr_Chuck]

So she does not want sex, if you really love her and this is going to be a good relastionship, it should go and last without sex. If not, then it was not a solid relastionship to start with

[Ash123]

Love her and then step away... and watch. Don't stress her out.

Frankly, better to happen now than later!

You may get your answer... good or bad.

[lhemilie202]

Maybe she feels that you to in a way have disconnected when you were having sex maybe she wants to bring it back to the little things that to a woman are very meaningful I love having sex with my boyfriend but sometimes I feel like he only is physical when he wants to have sex when sometimes I just want to cuddle and have it end there maybe she just wants to know that you are capable of that I think that if you love her its not about getting married so you can have sex I think its about her wanting to know that she can still feel special and loved and attractive to you with out having sex I don't think it will take her long if you put forth an honest effort to show her sex or no sex you still love her

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe she feels things moved too fast for her and she is not sure about you two, so starting over with no sex makes sense.
You can either deal with it or you can't. If you love her, take the time to rebuild the relationship. If the lack of sex means that much, then perhaps you should just move on.

[X-stream87]

If she doesent want to have sex, its probably because she's concerned that's what your relationship has become about, just sex. So if she wants to not have sex respect her decision and take time to know each other better on a none sexual basis it might be the best thing that ever happened to your relationship.

[talaniman]

She wants to know if there is more to this relationship besides sex, so if you love her as much as you say, then you need to show her. She threw you a curve, and I think the relationship depends on how you handle it.

[belightingguy]

I don't know if she is throwing me a curve though. She says she was a virgin when we met, and recently said that she felt guilty after we had sex. She is strongly religious... somehow lost that a bit while we were dating, but now wants to re-embrace her beliefs. Which in turn means she wants to receive forgiveness and do things the right way according to her religious beliefs. I really don't think it's a curve ball, she just did a total 180 religiously for the most part. Blows me away a bit! It could just be a test, but judging by the religious bonds of her and her family, I really think it's not a test at all. It's all a little overwhelming, to say the least...