[ososad]

I came out to my family about 3 years ago- my mother is a theology teacher in a catholic high school, my dad a retired cop- needless to say, very conservative views on the subject and my lesbian-ness did not go over very well.
They flipped, I hung around for about a week trying to smooth things over, but then had to leave for a while because I just didn't feel safe there. (Knives pulled, threats, constantly being berated and yelled at-)
Stayed with my girlfriend in a motel for about a month- locks were changed within the first week. When I went back 'home' because then I had nowhere else to go at the time, I was made to feel very unwelcome. Never given a set of keys, had to call every night to be let in after work- spent very little time there because I felt totally unwanted when I was there- but then they complained about how I acted like I didn't want to be there, and that's why they never gave me keys.
They were totally crazy, but to an extent, I try to understand because in their eyes they lost the daughter they thought they had- all their expectations of me getting married to a nice man, reproducing and giving them grandkids, having this perfect little family life... it all went out the window in a matter of seconds. So while they were extremely irrational, the things they did were very hurtful, and they made both of our lives extremely difficult, I try to understand that in stressful situations, people do things they wouldn't normally do. While my family is crazy, particularly my mother who has a very short temper and a terrible way of saying exactly what she knows will hurt the most, they're not horrible people. If I wasn't their daughter, I might think so, who knows. But they're my family. And I feel like I just need to hang on for them to come around.
And I hope some day they will.
When I came out, my parents decided that a good way to try to reign me back in would be to out my girlfriend to her family- they assumed that they would freak the same way they would, they'd have more people on their side, they'd be able to keep us apart... and by destroying my support system, they'd regain their control. They didn't do it intentionally to hurt her, and I think, not being gay themselves, they didn't fully understand the impact that outing someone to their family could have- and if they did, they weren't thinking rationally and simply didn't care, because they were just trying to save me from going to hell.
In short, it's three years later, and I've just very recently started talking to my parents somewhat regularly again. We moved 500 miles away from home, I've seen them once in the past three years, and they rarely acknowledge my girlfriend. We've been together for almost 3 1/2 yrs, have bought a home together, have a life together... never once have they included her name on an xmas card, they don't ask how she is, my father refers to her as my 'friend' which I find insulting.
My girlfriend, obviously, doesn't like them. She hates them. And I can understand her perspective as well. While it may be easy for me to forgive them and try to move on in hopes that eventually they will come around, all she knows of them is that they're crazy and they have no respect for her in that they outed her to her family. They said things about how she 'used me for my car' because she didn't drive... things that I know they were just saying in hopes that I'd leave her and find a man, because they didn't even know her to make those assumptions- but she took those things personally as well.
My parents still refuse to acknowledge or accept our relationship.
My girlfriend wants nothing to do with my parents.
I understand where they both are coming from, but... I can't fix anything, and I just feel caught in the middle.
My girlfriend has said that my parents will need to apologize to her before she has anything to do with them. Won't allow them to come up and visit us because 'if she's not welcome in their home, then they're not welcome in hers'- which, again, I understand to an extent, but I'd like to see them. They're not going to be around forever. They've done things to hurt me, to hurt her, to try to hurt us... but they're nearly 50 and very much set in their ways. It will at least take some time to undo their thoughts on homosexuality and get them to see that I'm still me, I'm happy, I'm okay, I'm not a bad person... and how can I expect them to do that if they never see me to learn these things? If they never see my girlfriend and I together to see what our relationship is really like, and how it's very different from what they perceive it to be based on years of being told that being gay is sinful?
I can't force my parents to apologize to her- and if I did ask them to, I couldn't tell her I did, because then she wouldn't accept it because I asked them to. But they don't know that she's waiting for an apology- I don't think they saw it as as big of a deal as it was or how much they hurt her in the process of trying to hurt me. I asked them why they never apologized to ME, and my mother's answer to that was, 'I'd rather just move on and try to fix things from here, rather than dwell on everything we did to each other that was hurtful'. Which, to an extent I can understand. And that works for me, because I know more of my family than the craziness that went on during that time. And I'd like to move on and move forward, so despite the things that happened, I can suck it up and do that.
But since that was my gf's only experience of them, how can she be expected to see beyond that?
Ugh- I just feel caught in the middle. I love my girlfriend more than life, I love my family because... they're my family. And I hate having to keep the two separated and not have any kind of relationship where everyone can even try to tolerate each other.
They don't want to see each other. They don't want to talk to each other. We've been together 3 1/2 yrs, and my girlfriend has never even met my parents. She doesn't want to, and my parents have not expressed any interest in meeting her.
What can I do to fix this situation? Because I really just feel like... if my family cared about me, they'd get over their issues and see that they're hurting me, and work on accepting me as is, and want to get to know my girlfriend. And I feel like if my girlfriend cared about me, she'd put aside the fact that she was hurt by the things they did and give them another shot, understanding that it was an intense time and people do crazy things when they're going through something that's out of the norm.
I feel like I'm headed toward a situation where I'm going to have to chose. And hands down I'd chose my girlfriend... she loves me and accepts me as-is, which my family does not. So as much as I love my family, I may someday have to just walk away from them because she can't forgive them without an apology, and they won't apologize or aknowledge our relationship for what it is.
But I don't want it to come to that.
Sorry this is so long but... I need to know what to do now.
Please help- I need advice on if there's anything I can do to fix this situation. I feel like a total sap saying it, and it's probably so unrealistic... but I just don't get why everyone can't move past their hang ups with each other and at least talk, meet, get to know each other, TRY to get along because, like it or not, they're family now.
What the hell should I do!!

[simoneaugie]

You definitely sound caught in the middle. You can make a list, on one side list the pros and put the cons on the other side. That can help your decision, but it won't make it for you.

It's sad that your family is being caught in the self made trap of right and wrong. If they knew better, they would cherish you as a fellow person regardless of what your behavior and views were. Some of the craziness they exhibit you accept and let it go. Good for you!

It may be that you can never reconcile with all the people involved. Ideally, a first step would be that your girlfriend would forgive them. She can see more because she is not in their mindset. But, she may be too hurt and angry to see that. But even if she forgives them, their behavior will still be a reflection of their belief system.

The problem that you yourself seem to have is one of expectations. I have never sent you a Christmas card and not included your girlfriend. I haven't sent you a card at all. Why don't you hate me? I have not excluded your girlfriend or treated you badly? People do the darndest things! The challenge is in being big enough, and honest enough to see how your own expectations are harming/limiting you.

You cannot control your family. You cannot make your girlfriend change her attitude. You can control yourself. ”Expect the worst, hope for the best and take what comes with grace and maturity.”

Hope this is a little helpful, Simone

[ososad]

Well, I do have expectations, but they're not entirely my own either. For example, I do want them to do simple, little things, like put both of our names on a card- but my girlfriend gets more upset than I do when they don't, because she takes personal offense to it.
I get upset myself, but see it as less of a personal insult than just a whole different way of thinking that is in need of changing... they don't accept that we are together, and they refuse to acknowledge it. Not because they hate her, but because they think that by acknowledging that I'm gay, they're 'condoning' it, and because they consider it a 'sin' they won't do that.
Maybe I just understand their perspective more than she does because they're my parents. And maybe I understand her perspective more than they do because she's my girlfriend. But me understanding where everyone is coming from does nothing to fix things.
And I know it's not up to me to fix them-
But I just don't want it to eventually come to a point where I have to choose. Like I said, I already know that if it did come to that, I'd of course choose my girlfriend. But the thought of having to just walk away from my family and totally give up hurts.
And I wish there was some way I could FORCE them to interact and get to know one another and realize that all they're doing by disliking each other is hurting me-

[simoneaugie]

I hear you! Remember that we choose to feel pain though. It sure doesn't seem like it most of the time, but we do.

[nkychic]

WOW! You are stuck in the middle of a tough situation. First off I have to say I commend your strength. You are doing better under the pressure than most that I know could. I honestly believe (even though it's hard to tell since it's been so long) that your parents will come around. Eventually they have to see that they are going to lose a daughter if they don't. You may not be the person they thought you would be, but part of being a parent is loving, respecting, and ACCEPTING your children for who they've become. Do you send them Christmas cards signed by you and your girlfriend? Have you told them that if they don't learn to accept you they could potentially lose you? I know this is kind of harsh but we both know it's true. You have to live your life in spite of everything, but I know that's not easy when you don't have your parents on your side. Have you tried writing them a letter to tell them exactly how you feel about the situation? I know it sounds silly and maybe even childish, but a letter they can't hang up on or walk away from so easily. A letter you can say everything you want and they can read it when they feel they are ready to listen. Good luck girl and again I pride you in your strength. I wish you and your girlfriend and family the best!!

<3 Leslie