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startover22 · Feb 1, 2008, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by KBC

Thank you startover22, I am also concerned and would like to hear how she is doing, as well as her sis too!

KBC, it is nice to see you sweet! Hope you are great too!;)

KBC · Feb 1, 2008, 10:06 AM

I had a rough day yesterday, My first seizure in 35 years,been weak and queasy since,just taking it easy for a while and looking for a few posts I can respond to... :)

Hope SS is online soon!

KBC

Greg Quinn · Feb 1, 2008, 04:28 PM

I hope you are OK KBC.

KBC · Feb 1, 2008, 05:53 PM

Originally Posted by Greg Quinn

I hope you are OK KBC.

Yes I am so far, thank you Greg

The docs increased my meds 1/5 again till we can get a handle on what happened to trigger something that hasn't happened to me for 35 years.

I'll be around for a while yet...

KBC

shatteredsoul · Feb 1, 2008, 06:04 PM

GOSH, I feel so loved!! I have missed all of you so darn much. I couldn't get on my computer all day and now I want to chat and not everyone is here... well I will be on in the morning FOR SURE for whoever I don't get to talk to now. I have a few minutes and then I will have to pick up Amber from dance.
WHEW KEN, you make a me a little nervous hearing about your situation. I hope it is under control and no more seizures for you, that has got to be scary I am sure. What to do.. I guess hope the meds work and be patient. NOT easy I am sure. My thoughts are with you!

METERRE and STARTOVER I love you guys! GALS you know what I mean. I have been so busy lately but always thinking of all of my friends on here... whether they know it or not!

As for my sis, well more of the same to tell you the truth. She is still in Wyoming, now she wants to come home. Still not working, not on meds, not doing much of anything and Can't MAKE UP HER MIND on what to do, except to move back to where she was with her husband who she doesn't want to be with or get along with. ITS really rather frustrating, always dealing with the same issues and never getting a different result.

HOWEVER< I should be thankful for the fact that my dad is trying his best to help her, even though it doesn't do any good. My mom is trying to distance herself more and not do things for her or try to make decisions for her. ITs hard to step back and watch someone do nothing and know nothing you do can make it any different or better.

I wish I could change it, I really do... however... Hope everyone is doing well and that you know how much I love and miss all of you!! I will update more for whoever is interested. Thanks for checking on me... xoxo

KBC · Feb 1, 2008, 06:25 PM

Ahh, the lost family member is finally found, alive and kicking :)

Great to hear from you SS, it has been too long, hope your holidays were great and remember,, Saturday is GROUNDHOG DAY!!

Ken

METERRE · Feb 4, 2008, 09:06 PM

Well that was quite a while you took from writing to us. I felt forgotten and lonely... kidding. I'm so glad to hear from you and that you are OK. As KBC said I also hope your holidays went great and that you forgot about your problems for a bit and enjoyed them.
So I guess same ol' with your sister huh, well don't worry maybe one of these days hopefully she'll have a flash of reality or responsibility or something that can help her finally make a decision and work towards it mostly on her own. No one really just becomes independent from one day to the next. I think we all know that. A person with any mental health problems is always in need of some sort of support. I know that by experience, I still keep having my ups and downs with my depression... but I'm trying to work through it.
Anyway glad to have you back and we'll expect your input and update to this situation and yours too.

shatteredsoul · Feb 8, 2008, 11:11 AM

I guess it is different for all of us.. the way we deal with our emotions, or how we relate to others in relationships. Our coping skills, our life experiences and our views on how inadequate we are, tend to be all factors in how see ourselves and how we feel about who we are. I know I am not perfect and I have days where I feel so sad and lonely and I don't even know why.. I have days where I feel like life couldn't be better and I am so blessed and happy to be here.. I'm guessing that is normal. I don't know what its like to have a constant feeling of failure, impending doom or depression all around me for months and years... that just isn't something I could handle. I push all my negative thoughts, issues and awareness of sadness away and I focus on what is in front of me. If I sat and relished in all the mistakes I make, the poor paths I have chosen, or all the things that could go wrong, or are wrong, at any moment, I would be depressed. On some level I am more capable than my sister, and that is why I can relate to her feeling of frustration. She doesn't want to feel the way she does and yet she can't change it..
METERRE, you say you have your ups and downs, the downs are much harder to get through than the ups.. I don't know how you work through it and you don't even get the support of your family. Sometimes self reliance is a good thing. My sister doesn't have that.. My dad and mom love her so much but they never really help her the way she needs to be helped, me either to tell you the truth. The best thing for us to do would be o let her be homeless and find her way to being productive and happy and healthy.. but who can do that to her when she has a small child that needs stability and a safe home environment.
The sad thing is... she just won't get diagnosed. I understand the frustration that puts on my parents. We are very limited as to how we can help her. She has to hit rock bottom I think.. although it seems she has been at rock bottom for some time now..
There really isn't any hope for us to change anything. We aren't wealthy, we don't have the power or the means to put her in a facility and she is an adult who is capable of saying she doesn't want or need help.
In the mean time... I think she will be coming back to Florida very soon. I don't know what will happen then because my mom won't let her live with her and I don't know if I should let her move back in.

******* The sad thing is no matter how much money or status or how many people love you.. if you don't love and accept yourself for all that you are, all that you've done and believe in the goodness of you... nothing can save you but your love of self from within... its so simple, yet so difficult to achieve. I wish my love would fill the emptiness and lonliness and despair.. I wish I could make so she loved herself. She doesn't. That is just sad...
So if I can say anything to anyone out there, or to my beloved friends... learn to love and accept yourself, NO MATTER WHAT.. that is the toughest battle of all. The battle within

METERRE · Feb 9, 2008, 10:52 PM

You are so right. Loving yourself is the toughest thing. See there is where I wish I could be like you in some way. To accept myself, and to be able to push all those negative thoughts away. That's where I really admire you, your strength. Or ability to do that. Perhaps if we all worked at it we would fight depression just like you do.
So again you mention there isn't any hope for you guys to do anything but the one who has the responsibility to do something is your sister. It's all in her. I hope you can all work things out to the best of your ability.

shatteredsoul · Feb 11, 2008, 01:12 PM

NOO you shouldn't admire me at all. You should admire yourself and value who you are. You don't give yourself any credit METERRE! You have traveled down some dark paths and been alone for most of them. YOU ARE STILL HERE! You have survived all of it, and yes you can't always forget your sadness. You can't always push aside all the feelings you have within. You learn to manage your life and put it in balance. I am no better than you or my sister, or anyone else. I may have good coping skills and my social awareness usually helps me, rather than hinder me. I am just a human being like you. Looking for acceptance and approval but I has to come from me. All of the materialistic things in the world cannot make someone feel worthy and loved. YES, I hope we all can learn to look within and find goodness and truth and acceptance. because in that we truly learn to love others with the same depth of love. My sister loathes herself, she sees herself as washed up, used and ruined. She doesn't see goodness within, she sees mistakes and failures. This is where the problem lies. The medication only masks those feelings and she knows that. To change that perspective of self, sometimes takes a lifetime, or many to achieve that goal.
The society we live in shows us all that glitters is gold, but what is really golden is beneath the surface. Like a diamond in the rough, we all are. We just don't always know how to shine through.
YOU can't say you don't have the ability to do that because you do. I know that because of all that I know you have endured up until this point. Loving and accepting yourself cannot be any more painful than the people that have hurt you. Believing it, may be the toughest part, but I have to believe in me, even when I do feel weak and flawed, I know there is goodness within and I am worthy of lovng myself. I screw up DAILY, I treat people with such impatience sometimes. I am lazy, I get angry easy and I am sensitive. I don't organize my time well and I am not always judicious about who let in my life. I allow my energy to be used up for others and then get taken advantage of. BUT THAT IS ME.. and with all the bad, every day I wake up and say today is a new day. A new chance to make different choices and to view myself in the most positive perspective I can.. I may stumble, fall and even stay down for a while but I have to pick my a$$ up off the floor and keep going.. that is not a choice. Its life.
we all suffer, we all feel, we all want to be loved... I wish my sister could listen as well as you do and I wish she could change her thoughts, choices and perspective of self.. until then we wait, we pray... we never give up hope. I love you and our friendship METERRE. For anyone else out there reading or responding
Thank you for caring.. and for listening.

METERRE · Feb 13, 2008, 11:25 PM

However you do seem to have it more together than me and that your sister and that most people out there. You recognize you are a worthy person and fight everyday to keep it that way. Or so you say... which I do wish I could do that better. Ok so maybe I have also achieved keeping it together in some ways, but it still doesn't take away that it's hard. Just like anything else.
See you do have lots of wisdom and therefore I appreciate you sharing it with me and everyone. You also have gone through things... you're the one who doesn't want to give yourself enough credit I think.
Anyway very true we all suffer and want to be loved, I sure know I'm not the only one. I really hope you keep getting up off the floor whenever you feel down. You do deserve it. And don't mention it, I do care for you as well as many others who read this and reply.
Happy Valentines Day. Enjoy it.

shatteredsoul · Feb 15, 2008, 08:07 AM

I guess maybe I don't like to give myself credit because then I feel I look self righteous and like I am condascending. I don't want to be that way. I just want to be a good person. I like to be validated by others and maybe sometimes too much, yet I think I realize the real validation has to come from me. That is hard for me but I do think I have the ability to survive through the rough times. I think there is already many people on here that don't respond or say anything to me because they don't like what I HAVE TO SAY or they don't like me. That's fine I just think its stupid. This place has cliques like everywhere else. Just when you think you can talk and share with anyone, you realize that isn't the case. People can be flat out rude but I still come here pouring my heart and soul. I have so many things to say about it, but really, what's the point? People I think enjoy being cruel and exclusive and it doesn't matter how good of a person you are. It doesn't matter how much wisdom I may have or how much pain I may be going through. There are a few good people who reach out and the rest act like they are in their own world. My sister endured this her whole life with people excluding her and making her feel like an outcast. People can be so cruel and they were, she was affected so much by that. It's sad to see that grown ups can be just the same. I hope you had a Happy Valentine's Day!! I am thankful for all who read and reply, I really am.
My sister is an amazing person with a lot of talent, intelligence and gifts, she just doesn't know it yet. I am aware of my gifts, I just try to be humble...
Meterre, are you aware of your gifts? I think you have many and your strengths are many... we are more alike than different... I believe.. xoxoXOXXO my friend.

startover22 · Feb 15, 2008, 09:11 AM

Gosh Shattered, your last post here, well, it makes me thing that we are all different...
Remember the golden rule love, "Value Our Differences":)
I know you do, but some others find it very hard to think outside of their own. So I suppose that is what your sister has to learn to make it here. I have never looked at Shattered in the mean way, I don't see you as a uppity person, I always thought your words were kind and very very thought out! So if there is one person who cares, I think you are it! Your sister... Shattered, she is lucky to have you all standing by her side... but I am not sure luck is what she needs. It is obvious that you all care for her and do it deeply. Maybe that sense of security isn't so good for someone who refuses to see the light. This is a matter of life or death in some cases, you have seen it and I am sure she has too...
She has got to get this! Maybe a little family meeting is in order. Have you guys ever gotten together all of you? And been very stern with her and told her the truth about what has been happening? I am sorry if I missed that somewhere in here! Or just the three of you get together and make a pact between yourselves not to help her anymore. Sheesh, it is so much easier to say this than to do it, I am thinking to myself right now if I could do it... not sure if I could! Let us know how it's going. And I wish your sister the best !

shatteredsoul · Feb 15, 2008, 10:05 AM

OHHH Ms. START!! I miss your wonderful advice and suggestions.. they are always thoughtful and compassionate. Yes, you make a good point. I feel I value others, their differences and their outlooks, whether they are the polar opposite of me or if they are exactly like mine.. I don't always feel it's a two way street. Not always is that reciprocated. Yes, an intervention has been attempted before, if that's what you meant. It didn't turn out so good. Her emotions go into high gear, she gets overly sensitive and then VERY ANGRY.. She actually has been OK at my dads. Its kind of like she needs both parents to take over and reteach her the life skills needed to survive. HOWEVER that won't ever happen. My dad would always and will always try to be there for her, let her live with him or me, if it was needed. My mom feels that is unhealthy for her to let my sister stay with her.Their relationship is very codependent and she often acts like a teenager with my mom.
my sisters life sadly resembles so many other lost and troubled souls who just can't seem to change or get out of the rutt they are in . I believe some of her immobility is self induced by laziness and negative thinking, some of it is due to being depressed and anxious over EVERYTHING!! The part that is so frustrating is that she is wasting her precious life on hating herself, and not making any decisions.
I think if she comes back and moves back with her husband, we should cease all support. He wants to take her back to his country.. which means we wouldn't probably ever see her or my nephew again. He is from Tunesia and he wants her to meet his family. I think he wants her there so he can have his son and in that country, he will have more rights to keep him. She doesn't even understand that!! Why would she want to be with someone who is lazy, abusive and downright rude to our family. He expects us to support them and when my mom stopped giving them money, he called her some foul names. I also think my sister married him out of a rebellious reaction to our family, who is by nature quite conservative and Catholic. She married a guy who doesn't want her son to know about Jesus. IT isn't our place to say what they should believe or practice, but our half of the family and our beliefs are just as important as his. Its so complicated but START, the bottom line is, if she wants to be with him, we cannot do another THING to help her.
I wish she would get her priorities straight and just start a job, somewhere, and put some money away. OR go back to school, or SOMETHING!! I thought that is why she went to stay with my dad, to get her sh!t together. Why she hasn't done anything, I don't know. My dad has never been one to baby us. WE were never treated like "Daddy's little girls" or princesses, it just didn't happen. We were taught to be strong, respectful and well mannered at all times. We also had to learn how to shovel snow, chop wood and pitch tents by the time I was 11. I think I got more of his toughness than she did, maybe because I was the oldest. They always saw her as "DIFFERENT" and she was.. but she always was a happy kid.. it was after my parents divorced a few years, when she was a teenager that she started retreating to her room for hours, slept constantly and seemed very aloof. My mom didn't know how to respond so she gave her space, my dad blames her for that because by this time we lived with her. HE thought my mom created a bigger sense of dependency in my sister and that she didn't force her to be responsible enough. Lord knows I had to be responsible, regardless. OH well, I was trying to give you a little more perspective.
BOTTOM LINE, she has to see that she needs help, she has to want it and she has to follow through with it.. until then we are watching a sinking ship.. Us telling her, wanting it for her, trying to help her, it is a futile effort. Maybe if she does decide to go back to the husband, we can all cut our ties with her to make a united effort to show we aren't supporting that decision.
The things I mentioned about being exclusive and cruel.. well that's another story.. and I probably shouldn't have gone off on that tangent right here right now...
I love you start, let's have a good talk!! It has been awhile.

startover22 · Feb 15, 2008, 10:31 AM

Wow, Shattered, this all just blows my mind, how you have found reasons for your sisters behavior, how you have determined what is right and wrong for her. I mean you, there are the common sense right and wrongs, but let me ask you something...
Lets turn the tables a second, (only cause they got turned on me the other night and made me think.. LOL) So let's say you went and left your kids for three days straight, came back all hung over but acted like nothing happened... OK TO EVERYONE, this is a senario... Shatered has never and would never do this...
But lets say you did, and people were talking about you, picked you apart, started seeing everything that was wrong with you in their eyes, although some may be true, but now, you feel as if there is no return because all of this has been said in the open, the only real way to improve is to start on the good, but now you are so focused on the bad that it stops you from doing anything at all. Not sure if that made much sense, I need to re-read it.. heehee, but really what I am trying to say, I know you Shattered and you put more time into thinking on issues than I do EVER, so the longer we think about things, the more we find out, and so now it comes down to picking our battles and if she does things differently then so be it. It is her life, and as I see it you and your dad have made it your responsibility to try and change it. I feel it is high time, just like I said way back when to stop, and let her make her mistakes. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, it is only my opinion, although with all of your heart and good intentions, she is going to be who she is until SHE decides otherwise. I love you and wish you well with this whole thing, I can only imagine how hard it is to watch her make these decisions and not be able to do anything about it because you know she will may dearly for them later.

shatteredsoul · Feb 15, 2008, 12:39 PM

I agree start... letting go is so hard when you love someone but sometimes it is the most necessary and helpful thing to do... telling the brain is easy, telling my heart, well that is another.
I do know eexactly what you are saying, we need to stop being the hero and let her fall, even if it's the worst possible scenarios when she does. Right?

startover22 · Feb 15, 2008, 12:45 PM

Yes, but it sounds so awful. I agree that the tough love should come in to play here. I also agree on the part where you just need to help in a crisis situation. Oh my goodness I am hungry, you want to go get some lunch and talk? LOL...
I have to say that telling you to do something, and me doing it are totally different, I wouldn't be able to cut the ties with my sister, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to, I would want to, to see if she can get it right, but I suppose I would want to help her. See how confusing it can be
I am telling you what I would want you to do but also telling you what I would never be able to do too! Sorry for the confusion. So we all know that it would be good to let her make her own mistakes, unless, UNLESS there is that tiny possibility we can save her, and that sweet friend is what we all hang on to... the possibility!

startover22 · Feb 15, 2008, 12:51 PM

So Shattered, knowing that you may not be able to cut the ties with your sister, which ties should we untie? How about the place to live, and the money. Just start there, and see how it unfolds! If we are honest and tell ourselves what we are really willing to do in a situation and what we can let go of, then maybe there there is a chance that you can be healthy in the way you deal with her!?

startover22 · Feb 15, 2008, 01:49 PM

Shattered has extended her PM quantity and she needs to remove old PM's. LOL

METERRE · Feb 16, 2008, 10:33 PM

You both have very good perspectives... amazing to me as I can merely give my point of view. Right now I have so many things on my mind I cannot even think of any perspective. Other than she really needs to wake up and look at what she's doing. Good to see you around SHATTERED and START. Oh by the way yes I think you Shattered need to clean up a few of your PM's. Been trying to at least drop you a line but never can.