[Stevienicks1985]

My best friend of over 10 yrs abruptly stopped talking to me about a month ago now. The worst part is that I don't even know what I did. I have left multiple voice messages, texts, and emails. I think I deserve at least an explanation.

My ex roommate is very manipulative & deceitful. I know she talked to her but you would think that my best friend would know better than to believe the lies of someone she barely knows over that of someone she has known half her life.

I try telling myself that obviously she wasn't that great of a friend after all & that she was self absorbed but at the same time I deeply miss her. I miss our friendship and I want to know how she is doing. Honestly it has hurt worse than any break up I have ever been through in my life with guys.

I wish she would talk to me but I am tired of pursuing her when she is openly ignoring me. Any advice?

[mydogquestion]

I am sorry that your friend will not talk with you. I agree she was not much of a friend if she if she will not talk about what has made her not speak to you. If you have made attempts to contact her and she has no answered there is not much you can do.
Sometimes it is best to let it go. Go the loss of her friendship but go on with your life.Communication takes two.You can not punish yourself if she will not communicate.Life is a series of highs and lows it how you get on with your life that is important. Maybe at sometime in the future she will talk to you.But get on with your life now it is her turn to make contact.

[breyegrl]

When reading this I instantly thought of a "friendship" that I had that ended very much in the same way but the roles were reversed. Let me explain.. I abruptly stopped speaking to my best friend of six years over a few things that had been going on throughout our entire friendship. She was the type of person that would talk about people constantly. I don't think that she ever did it to be mean but rather to make conversation or to better relate to other people. For instance if she was speaking to someone that didn't like you she would take shots at you just to have something to talk about with the other person. I always knew that she was like that but always thought "she's my bestfriend..she would never do that to me" Well I was wrong. There came a point when I knew that she was making negative comments about me to certain people but I always wrote it off as her venting (we all vent about the people we care about) But then she said something about me to another close friend about something that I went through that was extremely difficult and hurtful. When I found out I was so upset that I just stopped speaking with her, I wrote her off completely. There was no fight, not discussion. I just decided that I didn't want that kind of person as a friend. This happened about 5 years ago and to this day I don't think she really knows why I stopped talking to her and apparently she didn't care enough about our friendship because she never asked. My point is that POSSIBLY you have done something or said something that you have always done but she never called you out on it but perhaps this time it (you) went too far. Obviously I don't know the entire situation or the dynamics of your friendship but if she is a rational person and she all of a sudden just stopped talking to you she most likely perceived something you said as being hurtful. Just keep asking to show her you care but that's all you can do at this point.

[Stevienicks1985]

I just feel like after everything we've been through she could have the courtesy to tell me what I've done. If I have done wrong then I will own up to it, take responsibility for my actions. I'm just in shock that after such a long close friendship, one could just toss the other aside.

[shatteredsoul]

Breygirl,
Your last few sentences are hitting me like a nail on the head. I too had a similar situation with my best friend of 20 years. She had treated me a certain way for a long time, always made comments (little digs), criticized me, took advantage of me and yet I was a loyal and dedicated friend. I finally stopped after she was so hurtful and didn't understand why I was even upset at what she did. So, I can totally relate to your situation and I think you probably saved yourself years of more of the same.
StevieNIcks,
I don't know what happened with your friend. I don't know if she is being selfish or if she is upset with something you said or did. I would give it a little time for her to figure things out and then maybe send her a card, email or letter about how much she means to you. Let her know that if you did something to hurt her, you really had no idea and you are really sorry. However, if she is just self absorbed and doesn't'have the time to talk to you, then you should just let her be.
Also, she might just feel embarrassed about revealing something personal about you, and doesn't want to deal with all of your emotions surrounding that. It is up to you how you respond to her, but if you think the relationship is worth saving, be patient..

Sometimes our egos get in the way of realizing how mean and heartless we can be.. If my friend would have at least apologized and told me that she reacted in a hurtful way, I would probably still talk to her. She just got defensive and lashed out even more. Some people are never going to be able to give or be, all that we need to be happy. HOwever, if they love you and treat you with respect, you can usually get through it..
Good luck!

[Stevienicks1985]

Thank you for the feedback I am getting. I like getting a new perspective and some helpful advice. I think it is definitely worth saving. I feel like I lost a Sister. Part of me is empty without her.

[N0help4u]

Could you send her a card or an e-mail telling her she is like a sister and a best friend and you would appreciate knowing why she is upset with you so that you might possibly have a chance to work things out and/or make it up to her.

[s_cianci]

Well, I wouldn't be a pest by "leaving multiple voice messages, texts, and emails." Try contacting her one last time and see if you can arrange to meet over lunch or something so that you can discuss your concerns. Be pleasant and say something like "I'd really just like to meet with you and discuss some things with you. I know you're busy and I am too but I think it's really important that we make time for this." Now if you can't get in touch with her to meet with her in person because she won't return any calls, then you can try writing a letter. In it, share your concerns and stick to the facts but in a non-personal, non-accusatory way. For example, don't say "you've ignored my phone calls" but rather "you've failed to return my calls and that's not like you." Emphasize your desire to understand her concerns and feelings without dwelling on your own hurt and anger. I can't guarantee any results with this approach but it's the most you can realistically do.

[s_cianci]

I'd like to add to breyegrl's response. Gossiping is never appropriate, whether "venting" or not. Not only does it damage friendships but it can cause real trouble in the working/business world. I've seen jobs lost and raises withheld because of such behavior. Anyone who engages in this type of behavior is setting themselves up for a lifelong series of drawbacks. Some people have a habit of talking about other people and it's never a good thing. I'm not accusing the OP of gossiping ; that may have nothing to do with her current situation. But all too many people, especially young people, don't appreciate the importance of "mind your own beeswax" and mind your Ps and Qs. As a high school teacher I can tell you that 90% of the fistfights that break out between kids and the resulting fallout (10 days' suspension, criminal charges, mandated counseling at your own expense, the whole 9 yards) erupt as a result of "he said/she said" issues that should never have even been discussed, much less dwelt upon.

[shatteredsoul]

When we are young, we tend to be immature in friendships and make lots of mistakes. I think some people share things to be deceitful and hurtful and others do it out of an unawareness of the consequences, and simply out of frustration. Yes, it isn't right to gossip but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen. To engage in those kinds of behaviors does reap negativity and serious reprecussions, however we learn from our mistakes..
Situations such as these teach us how to be better friends, to have more awareness of what we do and how it affects others, and we grow as a result.
I think that everyone needs time to be angry, upset, disappointed or hurt, to then move on from that. This friend may have had issues discussed that were private, or maybe something was just said that really hit her the wrong way. We cannot dwell on how others will react or respond but we can try to evaluate the experience to handle it better the next time.
All in all, I think this time should be taken for you to self reflect. This means, to look within and determine what you can do in your friendships to be more aware, sensitive or in tune to their feelings or experiences. Being a true friend is not easy, but in can be the most rewarding thing in the world. You may have made a mistake or maybe she doesn't have the energy or the interest to deal with you right now, whatever it is, it doesn't really matter. How you grow and change from this does.
You have told her how you feel, now let it resonate with your friend until she is ready to reach out. Maybe in time you can reach out again, and see if she is ready to respond.
To be tolerant of what you don't understand, isn't always easy but unconditional love is the key... either way you will learn how to be a better friend for the next person that comes along or for the other people in your life.
It is OK to miss her and feel sad, but try to focus on how to improve yourself and not so much on how you feel about her. Ultimately, until she is ready to talk to you, focusing on that will only make you feel worse and it will be counterproductive. Accept the fact that she isn't able to deal with you and love her anyway... once you release your need to have her approval, you will find some peace in this situation and be OK with whatever happens.

[Stevienicks1985]

I just wanted to thank everyone again for the helpful insight. It gives me hope that we may be able to reconcile one day & if not I can make peace with myself and move forward as person & begin new friendships.