[gogopntr1]

My wife and I are trying to get some insight on how to go about telling her exhusband that I want to adopt her /his daughter, 8yrs old with him knowing that he wasn't really the father in the first place. He agreed to raise her knowing that he wasn't her real dad, ( bio is completely out of the pic since before the birth.). I have raised the girl for 4 +yrs and he is always at the bar leaving her with his parents who spend all the timewith her. My wife agreed when they got a divorce to never tell her he or his parents the truth, but as time went on, he continually ditched her and spent little time with her. The grand parents are the ones who entertain her and it will surely hurt them but I want to adopt her and get her away from all of them as they are always undermining us and teaching her things that she should not be learning. They are old and send her to watch TV and feed her crap food. She gained 15 lbs in 2 months this summer and has to face the kids at school when they make fun of her. I spend so much time helping her lose weight and get her confidence back that I'm sick of it. She needs one set of parents , or two who work together. What do we say to her? And how do we tell the grandparents and dad? That we are finished with this cherade and want to be "normal".

[GoldieMae]

Is he identified on her birth certificate as her father? Did he legally adopt her? Does he pay child support? If he is not and did not adopt her, then he may not have much of a say in whether you adopt her.

It's best to just come out and tell him your wishes. His parents can still be a part of her life, they don't have to be cut out. If you've been raising her all this time, then for all intents and purposes, you are her father.

[gogopntr1]

Thanks for answerng fast, he is on the birth certificate but he knew before that he wasn't the dad. He will not give permission we are sure of that. The pat test will hurt him and make him angry. The grand parents don't know, they will be crushed.. thats not my problem. We do want them out of the major picture.. a few short visits bi monthly maybe... no overnights... man, I am gla I'm not them, but if he was more of a role model, or more interested in her we wouldn't do this... he brags about "his" baby girl all night to the bar patrons I'm sure... but he should be at home bragging to her...

[Sen2nell]

Ugh! My answer might not be such an easy one. I think you & your wife need to place your (soon to be!) daughter in family counseling. I suggest you & your wife speak with the counselor privately. Tell her/him what is going on. Ask for suggestions & guidance. The counselor might suggest bringing in the Ex. Most family counselors have a vast array of knowledge concerning the interactions of 'blended' families. They can help your family get through this ordeal with a minimum of trauma for the little girl. Which, I think is the most important factor. ALSO, the not so nice part: the counselor can testify as to the sobriety/stability and parenting skills of the Ex. Perhaps this will not be necessary but at least this part will be in place. I'm sure through counseling, your daughter will start to open up about her feelings and feel she can say 'no' when SHE doesn't want to visit the grandparents/father. That said, You can also 'rescue' her out of that situation by involving her in soccer and other sports where she would not be able to spend the weekend with them due to weekend games or other activities. I suggest, make plans ahead of time to do things as a family then give them a call and let them know she is unable to visit due to prior arrangements! I think if you establish this as a pattern with fewer and fewer visits (maybe you can allow her to take a small present to them and visit for an hour or so with "We have to go now because you have such and such to do," said in a friendly voice to them. You can also tell them that at her age they want to participate in more school and sports activities. They will surely understand and if they don't who cares!). A good lawyer will know what to do and BE very happy that you sought out the assistance of the counselor.Believe me: This EX doesn't want to go to court. He is an alcoholic and he just uses the child to jerk your wife around. If he hasn't paid any child support (which I would guess is not as important as his next drink!) your lawyer can compile the figure for the amount he WOULD owe if you went to court. This might persuade him to sign some papers. OR, instead of going this route ask the counselor if they could possibly handle this matter for your family in an amicable manner. YOu could obtain the results of the paternity test while the family is in counseling (so EX will be somewhat subdued in his reaction to the results of the test) and then present the results (with the counselor's assistance) to him. That way there will also be a witness to his reaction. You and your wife need to learn to be very manipulative and cunning when dealing with this guy. I have 20 years of sobriety through AA so I know how "cunning and baffling," this disease really is! NEVER let him punch your buttons, you take control of this situation. You must act and not react to him: never let him get the best of either of you adults. (p.s.:You can go online and get his arrest record too if there is one for him). I wish you the best. I hope you don't have to go to court over this-if he is smart, he will stay away from the legal end of this stick.