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bevilacq12 · Sep 4, 2007, 10:38 AM

For the last 3 years, I've been going out with a wonderful girl. We clicked the first night we met, and we very quickly got into a passionate relationship. She was my first longterm relationship, and the first girl I truly loved. I wasn't her first longterm (she had a 2-year one in high school), but she gave me the impression that I was the first guy to really respect her. For most of the 3 years we spent together, almost everything was perfect. We fought very rarely, and always about stupid things, nothing serious.

Since the beginning of 2007, however, things had gotten rocky. We were both under a lot of stress because of our college programs. I had a really bad roommate who was constantly in the room, so I never had personal privacy, and we as a couple didn't get a lot of privacy. My course load was also extremely heavy. There would be days where I had 6 hours of class, and 8 hours of homework. On such days, I would obviously not see her a lot - she'd want to be around when I did homework at times, but I'd frequently say it wasn't a good idea because I was in a really foul mood. Listening to metal, swearing up a storm, ripping papers up, etc. - 8 hours of theoretical calculus can do that to a person. I explained it to her, and said it was just because I didn't want to get upset around her, but I guess she still took it as me pushing her away. I also snapped at her a few times - like she'd ask me to do the dishes and I'd say "I have 8 hours of goddamn homework, give me a break." I felt bad for snapping at her, and I knew she wasn't trying to be insensitive to my stress (I normally always did the dishes), and I figured she understood that I was just stressed from my schoolwork. I'd apologize and say that things would be better when the semester was over. And I spent every minute I wasn't doing homework with her - the thing I hated about the homework the most was that it kept me from her, so I used every bit of free time to be with her.

Well apparently she didn't take it as I thought she would. A week before the end of the semester, she tells me she's unhappy. She says my stress really hurt her. I say that I'm so sorry and thought we were just both stressed, and that things would be OK - but now that I know how upset she is, I'll do everything in my power to fix it. She was going away for a 2 month job in another state at the end of the semester, so I used the last week to do everything I could for her to show her I was serious about fixing things.

Well she goes away to the job, and quickly thereafter she tells me that she needs time and space to think things over, and we should go on a break. I'm hurt by this, but I say I'll do my best to respect her wishes. We plan on meeting up in a month (on one of the rare off-days that her job allows) and talk stuff over and work it out. She cancels on me two days before our meeting because she wants to go to some theme park with her fellow employees. The next weekend, she calls and breaks up with me. She says she can't commit to the relationship, and it's not fair to me to stay in the relationship when she's like that. I'm devastated.

I wait 2 weeks, then I send her a long letter. I talk about how much I care for her, how nothing else in the world matters when I'm with her, how I appreciate every moment we spent together and how I want to share so many things in the future with her. I'm fixing all the things she said she was upset about, etc. etc. etc. The crazy semester has been over for a bit now, I've de-stressed, and I have the time to fix anything that is wrong.

No response for a few weeks. On the day she finishes her job and is heading home, she calls me. She said she got my letter, and she wants to try again. I say OK.

So for the last week, we've been seeing each other again. Except it's like we're just friends, and I just so happen to be a guy and just so happen to pay for all our expenses and run all her errands. Every time I attempt to be romantic or intimate, she clearly doesn't have the same interest and keeps finding innocent ways to let me down. "I'm tired." "I don't want to get too serious yet, let's just take it slow." I'm fine with waiting on things, but the thing that really troubles me is the look in her eyes and the tone of her voice. It's like she's guilty. I finally ask her what is going on. I say "You said you wanted to try the relationship again. If we keep doing what we're doing, we're just going to be friends." She says she cares deeply for me, but doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. But she says she wants things to work.

I think for a bit, then say "If you really want things to work, you need to take a leap of faith and just start trying again. This isn't something you can be pragmatic about. Either you're serious about wanting things to work and we try being a couple again, or you just want to be friends in which case I need some time to just look out for myself and heal before we can try that." She says that that is fair, and she cares deeply for me and doesn't want to lose me, so we'll keep trying.

It's been a few days since then, but there's really been no change. If I reach for her hand in public, she starts fiddling with her purse or something. In private, we kiss passionately and it feels like she's really into kissing me like I am into kissing her, but she pushes my hands away if I go to reach for her to start making out or something. I laugh it off, but I feel hurt. We were more intimate with each other just days after meeting - we've been lovers for 3 years now, and I can barely touch her without feeling guilty. In the meantime, I'm paying for dinner and movies and fixing her computer and bringing her coffee when she has a long shift at work, etc. I feel like a chump. But I keep hoping things are going to get better - I keep saying "it's just been a week, give it time."

Am I a fool in love, or just a fool?

cerisa · Sep 4, 2007, 11:06 AM

Bevilaq, you are no fool. Your priority right now is to get that diploma so you can make a good life. You sound like a well grounded young man. That said, it seems you really don 't have the time right now for a deep relationship. She needs to give you your space to do your work. It is immature of her to be resentful because you are busy. It might be different if you were ignoring her for video games or hanging with the guys.
If she is not committed to a romantic relationship within the parameters of your circumstances, move on.

SAB123 · Sep 4, 2007, 11:14 AM

Sounds like she's waiting for something better to come along and keeping / leading you on in the mean time. I would tell her It's all of me or none of me. But I think personal she is using you. I think my ex fiancé new she was going to break up with me months before she did but still used me rite up to end. Don't fall for her games.

bevilacq12 · Sep 4, 2007, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by cerisa

Bevilaq, you are no fool. Your priority right now is to get that diploma so you can make a good life. You sound like a well grounded young man. That said, it seems you really don 't have the time right now for a deep relationship. She needs to give you your space to do your work. It is immature of her to be resentful because you are busy. It might be different if you were ignoring her for video games or hanging with the guys.
If she is not commited to a romantic relationship within the parameters of your circumstances, move on.

Well the crazy semester is over now, and I live in a better apartment where I have my own bedroom, so I'm a much happier person. I've also started eating better and going to the gym regularly so I feel like I have so much more energy. I really have the time to make things work, and I want to make things work, and I've let her know that.

There's no doubt in my mind that I want her back, and that I think things could work. But I don't know if I should be doing 'no contact' right now. If I'm hanging out with her and doing things for her, I'm just helping her get over things, and she could drop me at any time. She says she wants to try the relationship again, and I want to believe her so badly, but there are a lot of signs that point to her just stringing me along. I don't know how long to wait.

trujew · Sep 4, 2007, 11:29 AM

Hi there. You seem like a well rounded guy indeed. I understand what you are saying and feeling. You're in a tricky place, for sure with her. It sounds to me that she is the one feeling awkward. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and she is trying to be NICE but I don't think she is really being authentic and honest about everything. The way you mention how she behaves is the give away here. She's obviously either weirded out by something or some way your being, or she's just really afraid to tell you honestly its over. But, you have to give her some credit she probably is trying to see if she has any love left for you too. She's got (Im sure) her own set of problems to deal with and is doing what's natural by questioning her judgments and ways in every area of her life.

If she's leaving you feeling weird or hurt or awkward or whatever way then its your turn to tell her that. Maybe give it a little more time but I have a feeling this relationship is fizzling out. I could be totally wrong and I hope I am but she sounds confused and uncertain. As if she already made up her mind with what she is going to do.

But put a positive twist on it, she is still speaking with you and this could just be a bump in the road.

Try to get for her that maybe she feels dejected and not as important because of your schooling. But she has to understand your desires and goals and if not, dude, let this die. Someone else will come along.

redneck412000 · Sep 4, 2007, 11:32 AM

You are not a fool. You're in love. Sometimes you just have to let go to find out what you need to know. Let her go and don't have any contact. If she loves you, she will be pursuing you. But whatever happens you will be happy in the end. Hope it works out.

bevilacq12 · Sep 5, 2007, 06:49 AM

She was having more computer trouble last night, so I went over to fix it. She talks to me just like old times - same kind of jokes, some mannerisms, etc. Except there's no talk about us anymore, nothing romantic or sexual. We just hang out.

She keeps inviting me on things. She wants to go to the movies this weekend, and she was asking me about going to Europe on spring break next year, and she asked if I'd accompany her to Arizona and Ohio in about a month or two when she goes there to visit graduate school programs. So in her head, we're clearly linked together for the immediate future. But I have no idea what kind of link it is anymore.

So I spend multiple hours fixing her computer, run out and buy a part at Best Buy that she needed, and then watch TV with her a bit. She never shows a hint of affection. I don't even get a goodnight kiss - just a quick hug as she pushes me out the door because she wants to get ready for classes tomorrow and go to sleep. I used to either spend the night, or wait to leave until she was actually in bed. I really feel emasculated and used.

Ash123 · Sep 5, 2007, 07:19 AM

Danger Will Robinson!!!

You are in the "Friend Zone" - Abort!

Just say something supportive if you wish, and reference a great time only the two of you shared or know about or care about -
Then tell her goodbye and GO.

Rest assured, she will think of you. But you are going to kill yourself.
She will contact you eventually if you cut this cold.
You can deal with it later on your terms.

NC time... So, in 4-6 months you will be a new man - and don't be surprised if someone else steps into the void and grabs your affection if you follow this path: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Good luck and no more trips to Best Buy if you don't like just being friends!
Women want to be a part of something bigger than a routine and your errand routine doesn't help...

You have had a greater romance than many at your age.
Be thankful.

Cheers!

cerisa · Sep 5, 2007, 08:27 AM

Hmmmm, lil' devil in me wonders if she would fall for a jealousy angle, would she want to hear about a "cute girl " flirting with you?

Chery · Sep 5, 2007, 09:15 AM

Stop being her 'friend for all seasons'!

Not even wanting you to hold her hand in public but still maintaining that she wants to try and work on the relationship is a bunch of crapola.

The only time I did not want someone holding my hand was when I was certain that someone else I was interested in might see. Get the picture?

She might be leveling with you about how much she cares, but she is not being fair to you at all. She is being selfish and does not care that she hurts you by denying you the intimacy you miss.
She reveals more selfishness by proposing all those trips - expecting you to just provide the free ride and tolerates your presence in the package.. Come on.. I'm sure that you did not just recently fall off a turnip truck.

You did not give her the chance yet to miss your presence, your humour, your money, your availability.. do so now.

NO CONTACT... until she starts missing all of the wonderful things you had together. That way she will have to face up to the fact that you will be there (all included - not emasculated) or you will not be there at all.

We can ponder and hope till the cows come home, but unless we get clear answers to the questions in our life, we wind up in a 'waiting zone' and that is not a fun place to be for anyone. You deserve the opportunity to be happy with her or without - as long as you know where you stand and can plan your life accordingly. She owes you that much respect.

Now... go forward.. be as strong as possible. She might grow up and meet you in another chapter of life.

lmnotok · Sep 5, 2007, 09:15 AM

When she doesn't want you, you don't need her either! (maybe you still want her)

So there is no need of NC here, but just act cold to show her that she need to treat you with respect. If you feel used, then it is that you are being used! Do you want to be used? If yes, keep doing what you are doing. IF no, then its time to change, say "well, im busy, you should ask someone else for help, bye!". You don't need to act like a "nice guy" all the time. YOu need to show your personalities and self-respect.

I think you should call her, and say "hey, i need to tell u something: recently i've been looking thing all over again, and i feel very uncomfortable with the position i am in. I see that what u said is not what you are doing to me. I feel like i am used, maybe, maybe you dont mean to use me. But the way u act makes me feel like i am used. So you dont act like that because its quite enough for me. I need more from you than just this. So if you are not going to give me more then, i finally leave."

Don't say it emotionally, make it straight, cold, like "enough is enough".

Goodluck

bevilacq12 · Sep 5, 2007, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by Chery

Stop being her 'friend for all seasons'!

Not even wanting you to hold her hand in public but still maintaining that she wants to try and work on the relationship is a bunch of crapola.

The only time I did not want someone holding my hand was when I was certain that someone else I was interested in might see. Get the picture?

She might be leveling with you about how much she cares, but she is not being fair to you at all. She is being selfish and does not care that she hurts you by denying you the intimacy you miss.
She reveals more selfishness by proposing all those trips - expecting you to just provide the free ride and tolerates your presence in the package.. Come on.. I'm sure that you did not just recently fall off of a turnip truck.

You did not give her the chance yet to miss your presence, your humour, your money, your availability.. do so now.

NO CONTACT... until she starts missing all of the wonderful things you had together. That way she will have to face up to the fact that you will be there (all included - not emasculated) or you will not be there at all.

We can ponder and hope till the cows come home, but unless we get clear answers to the questions in our life, we wind up in a 'waiting zone' and that is not a fun place to be for anyone. You deserve the opportunity to be happy with her or without - as long as you know where you stand and can plan your life accordingly. She owes you that much respect.

Now... go forward..be as strong as possible. She might grow up and meet you in another chapter of life.

You're right. I deserve better than this. I'm going to start 'no contact' after the next time I see her and tell her that I can't let myself get hurt like this every day.

Ash123 · Sep 5, 2007, 11:08 AM

Dude, I think that is a mistake...

"After the next time you see her...."
Is just taking away any chance for mental security.

I'd walk NOW. Just email/call/be nice/seize the initiative.
Be nice/be quick/be honest... then hunker down. And go.

Sorry. If it is to be - you will know... one day later --

And report back here...

bevilacq12 · Sep 5, 2007, 11:24 AM

Originally Posted by Ash123

Dude, I think that is a mistake....

"After the next time you see her...."
is just taking away any chance for mental security.

I'd walk NOW. Just email/call/be nice/seize the initiative.
be nice/be quick/be honest....then hunker down. and go.

Sorry. If it is to be - you will know...one day later --

and report back here....

Well I mean I want to do it in person.

Ash123 · Sep 5, 2007, 11:50 AM

I think uou have suffered enough..but hey -

At least be right to the point.

This is a chance to take charge.

And do not waver... She has forced your hand. Now play it. Leave on as up beat a note as you can.
FUN and Independent... That's you as you leave... let her chew on that...

If she loves you, she will respect that.

MissingHim2Much · Sep 5, 2007, 01:32 PM

Wow I don't think I know what's worse. My ex left me 6 weeks ago. It was out of the blue and a shock I was and still am devastated. But I almost think this would be worse feeling like she's got you dangleing on a string. Ok maybe its not worse but I think it would be harder to hang out with him knowing he didn't even want to touch me intimately. I'll maybe never know how or why he left me but at least at this point I know where I stand.

bevilacq12 · Sep 5, 2007, 10:19 PM

So I was all prepared to stand up for myself tonight when she invited me over. She offered to make me dinner, and I accepted. We were just watching TV again and I was thinking about how to start the talk, when suddenly we were making out. We ended up hooking up.

Afterwards was a little awkward. She said she didn't know if it was the right thing to do. I asked if she had wanted to, and she said she did - she was very attracted to me and wanted me. I said "Ok, I wanted it to, so we'll just leave it at that for now." We started to talk more normally, and then the rest of the night was probably the least awkward time we have spent together since all the drama went down.

I still don't know where I stand, but things are looking better. If things stagnate again and I feel we're just going in circles, I will stand up for myself. But I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Chery · Sep 6, 2007, 05:25 AM

Good for you, if you can hold up to what you just said..

She might just have changed her mind overnight, but I'd still be careful. See how she responds to you in public, watch to see if she is layed-back or tense. Also be on the lookout for those signs of a 'routine' instead of spontanious way about her when she 'makes those moves'. Just as we girls notice when a man goes through the motions - there are ways for women to similate these needs as well.

So.. again, stay observant and keep in mind what you've recently been put through.

Good luck, and keep us updated, and enjoy having a great time!

Ash123 · Sep 6, 2007, 06:38 AM

That was 100% foreseebale... in fact, I told another poster in your position what would happen... sex if he wanted.

As for what's changed? Nothing.

But that's relationships... without work, communication and honesty - and admitting when you are not compatible - they sputter on... you're only human... I imagine you'll be posting a note of confusion on here one day- but don't worry - everybody goes through it.

Or maybe some real communication took place and life can jump ahead.

benn11 · Sep 6, 2007, 06:58 AM

Why don't you tell her how you feel? Express that you are trying all you can and you don't feel appreciated. Also emphasise on the fact that a man only take an amount of s**t before he changes his mind and when she still doesn't understand, better give her space.

Another way is to stop calling and stop seeing her, she might start missing you and she'll personally come back and apologise.