[futt_less]

We were together 7 yrs before we married (27 yrs). We have 4 children, 27, 24, 21,11 and 1 grandchild on the way. We have always been financially dependent on parents, until 2yrs ago, (cared for my mother with alzheimer's, for 15yrs in her house with my family). During that time, my husband found a female friend. Her husband heard a message form my husband to his wife and got pissed (1-25-04). My husband swears "WE're JUST FRIENDS", and we've been fighting about things he's shared with her ever since. They played down the phone call. But I found a text message my husband sent, "LOVE YOU BABE" (8-4-04). He now meets at her work place after work and doesn't answer his phone until 5:30- 6pm. (while on his way home) I taped messages from a cell he had hidden (2 cells). Messages whispering , "Hi honey, can't wait to hold you. I LOVE YOU, see you in the morning" (4-26-06). He's now on a 3 days trip and she's there (with her husband and kids?) I think her husband and 4 kids are clueless. We did try marriage counseling, he won't go now. Counselor said to end his friendship with her.
He say's he cares or he would have been gone along time ago. But when we fight, he defends his friendship and attacks me about finances, how I blew all his money. If I don't fix it, he'll leave NOT because of his friend, but because of me. No date night together, "we have no money" he said, but we can go to the movies with the kids.
I spent 40 thousand (to keep us happy when he was not home after work) in 2 yrs , (menopause, husband cheating and in denial, mother died, and mother in-law ignores 2 of my 4 children and me). (mother in-law married 5 times was the other women in her lifetime, and My husband her only son with a sister)
I have lost trust in him for cheating and he has lost trust in me about our finances.
What comes first, Relationship or FINANCES?:confused:

[jrb252000]

The ironic thing is most stress from marriage is usually over finances. That is still no excuse to cheat. I'm not sure I understand the whole deal here. However you need budget counseling and family counseling. However since you both do not trust each other I think it is over.

[dcole]

Oh boy, your situation sounds awful. Are you staying with him because you are financially dependent on him? Is there any way of changing that? Most of your children must be old enough to be supporting themselves now. And for the 11 year old, it's a bad example that you are setting for accepting such behavior from your husband. From the outside looking in, it's easy to say that YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER AND SEEMS TO BE OVER FOR A LONG TIME - why do you stay? The question you ask about finances vs. relationship is redundant to me - that shouldn't be the question at all. The issue is why do you accept that kind of behavior from your husband - why do you let him treat you that way? A relationship takes two people who care for one another and here you only have one person (you) working on this relationship. I'm afraid that all the date nights in the world won't improve your situation as long as your husband is in love with another woman. He must think that you are so stupid and have absolutely no respect for you if he can continue to be "friends" with a woman you KNOW he's having an affair with.

All I can say is that all of the financial freedom in the world is not worth sacrificing your happiness. Perhaps you've been in this situation so long that you've forgotten to love yourself. You've admitted that you're not perfect about being irresponsible with money - but I think that's in a whole different class than what your husband is doing.

Instead of wasting energy, time and money with your therapist over repairing your relationship - I think your therapist should be working on ONLY YOU and how to find yourself again after so many years of accepting the abusive behavior of your husband. Good luck. (I want to shake some sense into you - but I do wish you well.)

[Dennis777]

Hello.

IM sorry but it sounds to me like he isn't willing to work things out with you. No matter how much you want them to work if your not both 110% into making it work it can't. Money is always a big problem in most relationships, the more you have the more you want so its never ending. BUT the big problem is the other Lady. Guys can have great female friends I know I do BUT the little secret "I Love You's" don't follow a friendship.

If it was me I would pack up the kids and start over. You're a special Lady and should be treated like that. If he isn't going to try then its his loss. You will find yourself and be happy for the first time in years and in time when your ready you will find Mr. Right and he will add to not only your life but your kids also.

Be positive and show the world you can make it.

Good Luck
Dennis777