[Inspired]

Its been about 3 months since we broke up, and 4 1/2 months since I found out that he was lying and cheating for most of the relationship. I have not talked to him in a month ( I didn't talk to him for 2 months and then broke NC and called him and since then its been a month). I have no plans on ever contacting him. We don't even live in the same state. I just don't know why its still so hard. Some days are better but its still always in the back of my mind. I know he's not good for me and I know I would have ruined my life if I ended up with him. I know all these things yet its still so hard to get over what he did to me. I don't cry everyday anymore and am able to concentate at work more. However, today my parents told me they were planning a family trip to the city he lives in (not that they know where he's at). They asked me if I wanted to go with them when I came to visit them. I got upset and said no. After I got off the phone with them, I just cried and cried. I have not cried like that in about a month. I know a part of me is not fully over him. I feel used and hurt because I did not expect everything in our relationship to be a lie (we were together a little over a year). Even though I don't want to be with him and I know he's no good for me, why can't I get over what he did to me?? Even though he was a scumbag, why is it still so hard for me to feel better??

[mrmuffins]

What have you done to get over it?

[dazedandconfused77]

I feel weird for saying "this happened to me" to several posts but I've had some ty luck in the past. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2.5 years. After about 1 year he told me he cheated on me. I was so devastated and hurt, but I held onto the relationship because I couldn't be alone. I still loved him more than ever and thought we could work through it. Everything started going well again but I found myself disgusted by him sexually, it felt dirty after what he did. To some extent I was drawn to it in a masochistic way. Anyway, another year later he cheated on me again, with the same person. This time I broke up with him. My point is, I should have done it right away. If he cheated on you once, he would probably do it again. Its hard, but don't put yourself through it, you just need to move on. I know you can't just make yourself "forget about him", but you have to try. It has been years since this relationship, and I am in a new relationship now and I am still damaged, I lack trust and confidence. I let him do it to me twice. You have to think about your own health. I know its hard, but you'll have to try. I wish I did.

[Skell]

There is not much I can say other than to just give it time. You will be OK in time. There will be many ups and downs but it is all part of the healing process. As long as you maintain no contact and try as best as possible to lead a healthy and fulfilling life then bit by bit it will get better.

Some days will be better than others. On the bad days try and be with friends and keep yourself busy. Sitting at home and moping isn't going to change anything.

For some people it takes up to a year to get over a relationships ending. Others can do it in a month or so. You will be fine if you keep with the no contact and continue to focus on YOU!

Good luck!

[Inspired]

I am not communicating with him and I don't plan on doing so ever. Dazedandconfused, I know what you are saying. Although I did not give him another chance after I found out he was cheating the whole time, I did give him many chances when he would lie to me about things. I feel stupid for that and kick myself about it. I had a bad feeling about him in the first place but I still proceeded with him because he pursued me so hard. If you read my other posts, you will see the things he lied to me about.

iwillhelp, I know he's not good for me and that it would have been a horrible future with him. But that does not prevent the fact that what he did to me still hurts. Skell, just like your situation, I was the "stable" one. I had my S*** together and he didn't. I was more career oriented, educated, and made more money than him. He was the lucky one, and that's why in the beginning I didn't like him and he presued me so hard. Even though he knew what he had, why did he do what he did? If he thought I was "all that" why did he cheat and tell the other woman things like "he stopped finding me attractive after I gained 5 lbs". etc. He has never admitted to the cheating (it was with his ex ) or to the other stuff but I know in my heart he did it. He lied to me about so many other things with her like he told me they don't talk anymore which was a lie. In the end I found out that she would borrow his car on the weekend and she had a key to his place. She used to call when we were together and he would lie and say it was work. When he was in the shower I would check the cell phone and it was her. He admitted all of this stuff. Plus all of the other lies throughout the relationship makes me not trust him. I just wish I could stop hurting so much. I know he was bad for me, then why do I still feel so bad??

[SAB123]

It's been a little over 5 months for me and does get better. She's playing mind games with me so it makes it that much harder to let go of her. And I still cry now(once in awhile) but it does get a little better. I am like you she is not rite for me but it is still hard to get over the 6 breakups in 5 years she did with me and. But Like iwillhelp said I think you and I need to start dating people to see how badley our ex's treated us. But give it time 2 months ago I didn't think I would be where I'm at in my recovery.

[huno]

This is a tough situation, but also one people can learn from. See, the reason you can't get over him is BECAUSE he's a loser. I have been criticized, chided, reprimanded--even threatened with death--for my theories, but I stand by this one and will until the day that I die (and when I do die, it will be engraved in my tombstone):

The more worthless a guy is, the more a girl will like him.

Now, your ex sounds like one royally pathetic loser. Whereas most morons are found at the bottom of a barrel, your guy couldn't afford the rent in the barrel to begin with (I imagine you found him in an old refrigerator box behind Sears). This makes him ultra-attractive.

Why? Well, I don't know. You might try and fill us in on that one.

In any case, I agree with the above advice: you need to start meeting other guys. Don't be in a rush to jump into a new relationship, but just get out there and start talking. Flirt with other guys. Go out on a few dates. Wear clothes so tight people think your skin is 50% cotton and should be dry cleaned. Post booty shots on your Myspace (or, if you don't have a Myspace, you can post them on this forum :D).

Get out there and have fun. Enjoy yourself. Treat yourself once in a while. You need to concentrate on you instead of your ex. Now get out there and shake your moneymaker!



--huno

P.S.: I really do want to know: why did you fall for the guy in the first place? How long were you together? What kept you with him throughout the relationship?

P.P.S.: you may be wondering why I would have the audacity to advise you to post pictures of your butt online. In a recent university double-blind study, patients suffering from post-relationship stress disorder (PRSD) show significant improvement in their disposition, wellness, vitality and constitution after showing off their @ss in a microscopic thong to the world.

[Inspired]

Huno, to answer your questions, I really didn't fall for him in the beginning. We were friends and I told him I didn't want to be with anyone because I had just gotten out of a relationship at that time (I was with the guy before this guy for 6 months). I was a bit vulnerable and didn't want to be in a relationship or for that matter get physical with anyone. He knew which buttons to push. One day we were hanging out and he started to kiss me. We made out and I told him I didn't want to anymore because when women are physical with someone they do not know they tend to develop feelings for that person even though its not good because they don't know that person. He pretended he understood but still tried to make out with me the next time he saw me. I resisted in the beginning but then gave in. We did not sleep together, were not even close but making out was nice. Once I found out (3 months into knowing him as a friend) that he had lied to me about being married (he was married for papers) I cut him off. Then his ex wife calls me telling me he loves me and their marriage is not for love or anything, but that she was just trying to help him out with his papers. That before they got married they were friends and she offered to marry him because his work visa had expired. She said that he didn't love her and that he loves me. I still did not want to have anything to do with him. Within that week he got a divorce and moved into his own place. He really wanted to be with me and wanted to prove to me that he “loved me”. I believed him and was kindof impressed that he all the sudden moved out and got a divorce. His ex called me and told me he's a really good guy and although she had fallen in love with him, he never loved her. Later I found out that they were intimate during the marriage.

I decided to give him a chance because I felt he was making an effort and trying to fix what he messed up. He kept asking me for a chance and I kept saying no but then I decided to say yet because I felt he made an effort. I started to like him a bit too. The unfortunate part was that my gut feeling kept telling me different and I didn't listen. I really fell in love with him. We were together 14 months.

[Inspired]

I don't think it's that women like jerks/loosers. I just didn't expect that he would hurt me in this way since I did have my life together and since he presued me so hard in the beginning.

[nicespringgirl]

I am sorry, but I think you will get over with it soon! You are a strong woman, you can do it!
Don't let any guy make you cry no more!

[talaniman]

You will have good days, and really bad ones, after a break up. The key is to enjoy yourself, and when thoughts of him pop in your head, get something positive to do, to change your focus. I know one poster who got over the ex by cleaning her closets, LOL but that's the way it works. Make new habits and have hobbies, and projects so you can stay busy, and change the focus of your thoughts. It takes time and it is very hard, but you can do this.

[Inspired]

Thank you Oracle and Tal, your advice is great. I have been doing other things, going out with friends, focusing on work (we have been crazy busy this month with quarter end reporting), and trying to keep my mind off things. I am also taking an additional grad school class in my field ( I graduated with my masters last year but thought it would be something to do to enhance myself). It still hurts and is still always in the back of my mind. I still wonder what he is up to and if he made the millions he was supposed to make (he was supposedly involved in this construction project that he was supposed to make a lot of money in, sounds like bogus to me since this project was ongoing for 2 yrs so he says and he hasn't seen a dime). Sounds like another one of his “get rich quick” pipe dreams. I hope he didn't make the money and I hope he is miserable.

[nicespringgirl]

Thank you Oracle and Tal, your advice is great. I have been doing other things, going out with friends, focusing on work (we have been crazy busy this month with quarter end reporting), and trying to keep my mind off of things. I am also taking an additional grad school class in my field ( I graduated with my masters last year but thought it would be something to do to enhance myself). It still hurts and is still always in the back of my mind. I still wonder what he is up to and if he made the millions he was supposed to make (he was supposedly involved in this construction project that he was supposed to make a lot of money in, sounds like bogus to me since this project was ongoing for 2 yrs so he says and he hasn’t seen a dime). Sounds like another one of his “get rich quick” pipe dreams. I hope he didn’t make the money and I hope he is miserable.

U'll have no problem find another new guy, you are a smart woman with great potential, I know it's hard to let it go, but focus more on work, is problly the best to do now.

[Inspired]

Im trying my best. I am not so much worried about having trust issues with whomever I end up with (im not in a rush or anything). What still hurts me to this day is how is it humanly possible to be so fake? How can someone pretend he loves you, treat you good, and the whole time lie and cheat behind your back? Some of my friends said that that is just who he is. That he did love me but it was his own F***** up way of loving. That this is the way he knows how to love and he is not capable of more.

[talaniman]

talaniman agrees: In the real world there are great people and moron losers, they look alike but act different, thats just life.

Accepting life for what it really is, makes you more alert cautious and wiser about how you go about living. There is good and bad. Enjoy the good and try to leave the bad alone.

[Inspired]

Tal,
Darn its not letting me give you a reputation because I have to spread more around. But I wanted to tell you that I really like what you said about how there are great people and moran loosers, and that they look alike but act different. Its so true. Unfortunately I wish I could stop thinking of what he did to me and focus on how bad he was for me. Some days I am able to look into the future and say "thank god I didnt marry him or prolong our relationship" and other days I'm stuck in the past and moping about what he did to me.

[Inspired]

Oracle,
I have made several lists during the last 3 months lol. I have a list of all the good/bad qualities of him. Of course the "bad qualities" list is about as big as Santa Clause's list. I have also gotten away, went to DC, New York, and I am going to visit my parents next month and on a cruise the month after. My work schedule is very hectic ( I am an investment banker), so whenever I get free time I go out and do fun stuff. Last weekend I went to a water park with a bunch of friend (kindof juvenile but fun nevertheless).

I guess I do question whether the love was real or not. That's what hurts but as I mentioned above, not everyone loves the same way. I guess I am basing it on myself. If I really loved or cared about someone, I would never do the things he did to me. I feel used and played. I feel that he needed me as a 'crutch' to lean on. He always used to say that I was his inspiration to get his life back in order. He also used to say that he knows that if we are together than he will be on the straight track, and if we ever break up than his life will spiral out of control because he will be doing things he shouldn't be doing. I guess in a way he wanted me to save him.

[Inspired]

Thanks again Oracle, your advice is so wonderful. I don't have any sympathy for him anymore. I did initially when he was so miserable and felt so bad. But I don't have any sympathy anymore. Your absolutely right when you say that he is selfish. I know he is and that's what hurts me the most. How could he have been such a good pretender to make me believe that he was the most wonderful man in the world? How could I have been fooled so easily? That's what hurts, knowing he was the complete opposite of the man I thought he was. He was the type of person who couldn't watch the news because it would ruin his whole week to see a crime committed on innocent people. He always talked about how he wants to have a lot of money so he can help the poor. He would get upset at me if I would kill a bug. This is the type of person he portrayed to be, but he was nothing like that as evident in the end of our relationship. That's what hurts so much. It hurts that everything about him was a lie. He was nothing he claimed to be. He really never had any intentions of moving to my town or marrying me. That's what hurts.

[talaniman]

Grieve the death of this relationship, celebrate your freedom. You needed this life lesson, and now you have it, so thank the fool for it, and learn to live, and be happy as a wiser person.

[Inspired]

I know what you mean tal. I was just so surprised at myself yesterday when I broke down when my parents brought up taking a family trip to the town he lives in. They don't know where he lives, but the area he lives in is a tourist hotspot. That made me realize that I am not over it and it may take a lot longer. I have been in serious relationships before but none hurt to this extent. I guess that's what hurts, I thought it was serious when he didn't value it at all and pretended he did. I actually got really sick last month too and had an ulcer due to all the stress.