[purplesusi]

Hi everyone. This is my first time asking for some advise. My 12 yr old (soon to be 13) has always been a quick learner and ahead of herself. Seems so with her hormones too.

I have noticed today that she has a lovebite on the top of her left boob. When I asked her about it she had a look of shock and guilt on her face but keeps saying it's a bruise! I asked her to show me properly but she refuses and says 'what don't you trust me?' Her step dad thinks she's lying and I do too but what should I do?

Please I need some advise. She's so cocky and self assured.

Regards
Susi x

[J_9]

Okay, who is the parent here? She shows you, and that's that, end of story end of conversation. I am a mother of a 13 year old girl myself.

Also, who is supposed to be watching her? How in the world does she get the time to be with a boy unchaperoned long enough for this to happen?

Remember, you are the parent, you make the rules, she obeys them.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes what do you mean she won't show you, she would or she would be sitting in a empty room, no computer, no music not phone and so on.

And as noted, ground her and punish her first for refusing to show you,

[saraispiel19]

αsides from αn "eαrly bloomer" she is quite the mαnipulαtive one-- she's got you αsking whαt to do-- I'd go with whαt the others sαid.. how do you get α bruise on your boob? wαit yeα I hαd one αfter homecoming.. I remember now.. if my dαughter told me thαt I'd be like "nice try your grounded"-- go out there αnd get her to tell you the truth-- then ground her..

[Skrypt]

Well it has to be embarrassing for her right? That's why she probably lied. As you said yourself she had a look of shock and guilt. I say go a little easy on her, she's only 13 and if you ground her for something she's feeling guilty or embarrassed about, it would most likely make her a little rebellious.

[lacuran8626]

She's embarrassed. If you can't prove it, you need to back off but use it as a teachable moment. Tell her, "the reason I was so upset about that is that I have this concern for you..." Then have a non-confrontational talk with her about what you want for her, and what you want to protect her from (thinking she has to be sexual way too early, doing physical things to keep a boy, etc.).

I don't think discipline is the right approach if you can't be certain bad behavior resulted in this (it feasibly could be a bruise) but making sure you know where she is and is not unsupervised with boys is a must at this age, whether you have specific reasons to be concerned or not. It's a risk-taking time. Be vigilant and aware.

[rankrank55]

I agree with the others! She is embarrassed but that is the consequence she is going to have to pay. Set her down, tell her that you KNOW that it is not a bruise and it if from another person. Have a little talk about self-control and self-respect.

[arabella5c]

There is no way you can force a thirteen year old to "tell" you the truth. However, you can take more precaution regarding the WHO WHEN and WHERE in the future. If you are suspicious about sexual activity in one so young, guard her time and activities. You will save her a lot of heartache!

[Revolutionary]

She's embarassed. If you can't prove it, you need to back off but use it as a teachable moment. Tell her, "the reason I was so upset about that is that I have this concern for you..." Then have a non-confrontational talk with her about what you want for her, and what you want to protect her from (thinking she has to be sexual way too early, doing physical things to keep a boy, etc.).

I don't think discipline is the right approach if you can't be certain bad behavior resulted in this (it feasibly could be a bruise) but making sure you know where she is and is not unsupervised with boys is a must at this age, whether you have specific reasons to be concerned or not. It's a risk-taking time. Be vigilant and aware.

I whole-heartedly agree with this post... You must maintain an open relationship with your daughter, or you will push her away... take her lovingly into your confidence, and tell her what you may have learned at her age, and why she should be more prudent.

As for the lying, I would say "Darlin', you know I love you, and I only want the best for you, it probably is just a bruise, but if it isn't... (and then share what I mentioned above.)

Just stay away from arguing, acusing, yelling, and judging... remember, none of us are born knowing all the answers, we learn as we grow. As parents, we can help teach our children in those afore mentioned "teachable moments".

[bushg]

I would say to my dearest daughter. You have now become my companion and I am your companion. You will not have any freedom for along time. Your friends will come here to visit you. You will not be allowed to talk with boys. You may have phone calls in my presence and you may not answer the phone. You will not go to partys, movies, shopping etc.. Unless I am there. You will be chaperoned. Because you will not be into sex, trickery etc... WE will be doing some volunteer work at children's hospital, a nursery, or a day care. We will be taking a refresher course on std's. If necessary I will sleep in the same room as you. Your choice. I will be talking to your father about the new rules. If you think this is unfair then try having a baby at the age of 13. If necessary we will be talking to a judge.

[Revolutionary]

I agree that along with love and lack of judgement, wisdom needs to be used, limits need to be set, and rules need to be enforced... but the environment these come out of needs to be kind and matter of fact, with love at the root.

If your hand is too heavy, and rudeness is in your voice, you are only going to push her away.

[Topmodel]

Just because she says "dont you trust me" doesn't me squat. I would say, " No, I dont trust you, in fact Im not one of your homies you can fool with you little lies and until you can be a honest young lady, your grounded". If she has a computer in her room or any accessories like that, I would unplugg them and lock them in your room. If you don't show her who's running things in your home, she will continue to keep doing what she is. You have to let her know, you were her age (hopefully older) and those little games she's playing with you and your husband are old. I've lied to my relative before and after she grouned my butt for 2 months I came clean. I even had to do home school so she could prove a point. No phone calls, no nothing. She is just a child and if she was grown she would be paying bills in her own house.

[robsdestiny1433]

Does anyone on here remember being 13yrs old?? It certainly don't sound like it! Purple I'm 30yrs old and I remember when I was 14 I had the same thing happen to me(so similar I thought maybe it was my mom writing this but to many yrs have passed) Listen having a 13yr old daughter is scarey and hard but if you become a enemy in her eyes now then anything that happens in the future will be so hidden you'll never know until its to late. My advice is sit down with her and tell her that you at one time were 13. And although then things were different most boys were the same. Explain to her that the attention she gets from the boy at first usually doesn't stic around after things like this happens and then all she is left with is rumors and reputations. And one one boy tells one friend what happened it dominos to all the boys who then will think they can try anything with her. Explain that it's the girls that won't do these things that the boys want as girlfriends because the chase is what they like and if she lets them know that she respects herself so much that they can't do these things with her they will respect her and will look at her lie a girl they want to keep around because once she gives them what they are after then they have no reason at all to stay around. You have to talk to her as if your on her side not her enemy. Take this from a girl who did the same and was on very bad path until my mother(who became my best friend) explained all that to me) and believe me over the years It was my mom I went to for advice on EVERYTHING! And honestly if she would have threatened to lock me up I would have rebeled and got into so much more trouble and snuck around and would probably been a teen statistic. Don't do that to your daughter yes she should have rules and bounderies but at this age she also needs someone to trust that will give her good advice and her friends can't do that because they are in the same boat as she is.