[anythingulike]

My daughter is 25 years old. My ex husband and I adopted her when she was six months old.

From a very early age it became clear that she was extremely jealous of any relationships I had with any of her friends. She said she hated that they liked me as I was HER Mum and not theirs. I know she has insecurity problems and I have always tried to help as much as possible by showing her love and kindess. Over the years it became very rare that she would bring any of her friends home to meet us.

As she grew up she became very manipulative and lied about absolutely everything. She stole from me and never ever apologised. She is very believable and that has caused so many problems with people outside the family. She is also a drama queen and likes nothing better than to gain attention, from anyone, by having some kind of drama.

When she was 16 the family went through a very tough time. Both my parents and my brother died within three months, as did my best friend and two of my aunts. My daughter became even worse and the lies became bigger. I saw our gp and asked if my daughter could have some counselling. She did go but refused to say anything at all. All the time she was growing up we discussed her adoption openly, as advised by social services, and my daughter was insistent that she didn't want to know anything about her birth parents.

When she was 18 she met a lad who was a very bad influence on her. He was always in and out of work and spent the weekends getting drunk and in fights. My daughter changed so much it was heart breaking. She didn't want me to meet her boyfriend or his family. Eventually I just couldn't take any more lies/stealing and took her to his house and sent her belongings the next day. It was the very last thing I ever thought I would do, but I really couldn't cope anymore.

Over time we rebuilt a very shakey relationship and she continued to live with her boyfriend and is family. When she was 21 I finally plucked up the courage to leave my 26 year marriage after suffering years of both physical and verbal abuse from my husband. If you met him you would have thought his was very gentle! He was extremely clever and successful - but behind closed doors he was a nightmare to live with.

At the same time my daughter found out she was pregnant - even though she had told me that she couldn't possibly be because they hadn't had sex in over six months! I moved away and gradually we kept in contact more and more. When my grandson was born I actually met her boyfriends mother for the first time. The things she told me about my daughter were dreadful. The whole of her boyfriends family thought that she lied to them about everything and also about me as well.

I was very lucky to meet a wonderful man and we have now been married for over two years. He has no children and has always been really nice to my daughter and plays very well with my grandson.

When my grandson was about 9 months old my daughter left her boyfriend and moved to be close to me and my sister. My daughter always said she didn't want to be a mother and it was evident in the way she was with her son. I have never seen her play with him and never seen her talk to him and explain anything. She does not teach him anything at all. He is four and half now and is still in nappies. He is totally out of control and screams and attacks her. She won't accept any advise from me at all. When he has been with me and my husband he has been wonderful, but within minutes of being with her he is angry and crying and screaming.

She is now seeing specialists because everyone thinks he has medical problems. I feel like screaming because I know that with some real love, attention and discipline he could be such a gorgeous little chap. The problem is that the specialists all think that my daughter is doing so much with him but that he is not responding, whereas in reality she just can't be bothered. I have been with her to special speech therapists and they have told her what she must do. By the time we have got back to her flat she just can't be bothered and so he never learns. He is supposed to be starting school in a week or two and I can't believe he is still in nappies.

My daughter now has a boyfriend and I met him for the first time last week. I thought he was very nice. I cooked a lovely meal and we chatted and I asked them what they were doing for Christmas, saying we would love them to come and spend the day with us. Every year since I left my ex husband I have asked my daughter to spend Xmas with me and she always makes excuses. My husbands family always have a big get together on Boxing Day and my daughter and grandson have always been invited but she never comes.

Anyway my husband thought we'd had a nice evening but I could see my daughter wasn't happy and said to him that I was sure I'd be in trouble. Well the next day my daughter rang and sure enough nearly everything I had said was wrong. The conversation went on for hours and in the end she was screaming at me saying that she can't get over the fact that I left her Dad and that made her life change. Also that because I left it meant the family home had to be sold. She said she wanted everything back to the way it was and because it can't be she doesn't want to spend Christmas with my husband and I!

I really can't take any more emotionally. I am sick of all the lies, the stealing, the manipulation, the jealousy. I find it so hard to see my grandson not developing well because of the lack of attention from my daughter. My husband has spoken to her and basically told her that I need a break. To be honest, although my heart is breaking, I really don't think I can be in contact with her anymore. I have learnt over the last few years to value myself and am not prepared to be screamed at and treated so badly. Today I feel like my daughter and grandson have died.

Can anyone offer me any kind of advise? Should I lose contact? Should I keep trying? Is it better just to accept defeat and get on with my life with my new husband?

[Gemini54]

Sadly, your daughter has what sounds like a personality disorder. I don't want to 'diagnose' but if you look up Borderline, Narcissitic or Histrionic Personality Disorders on the internet you can make your own assessment.

I suspect that your daughter will find it extremely difficult to change, and that you will often if not always be saddened and worried by her behavior and her life. It is extremely concerning that she has a child who, it sounds like, is being subjected to neglect and a form of emotional abuse. In the end your daughter has made her own choices about how to live her life, but when she involves the welfare of an innocent child, that is tragic.

I know that it would be very difficult to prove because she is such a good actress/liar, but could you report your daughter to the child welfare authorities? Alternatively, you can hope that the school picks up on the neglect and does something about it or let them know about it yourself. If her behavior as a mother is called into question publicly, she may do something about it.

In relation to your relationship with your daughter, I suggest distance and strong boundaries. It's like with a child. Reward the good behavior and completely ignore the bad behavior. See her only when you feel you are able to. Do not take abusive phone calls from her. If she is abusive while she is in your house - ask her to leave. If she is abusive while you are in her house - you leave. Let her know that your presence in her life is conditional on her behaving like a decent human being. Don't argue about it and stick to your guns.

Regardless of how much you love your daughter you must now think of yourself and your own emotional physical and spiritual well-being. People like your daughter have the capacity to suck you dry with their dramas, lies and abuse. Because, in the end, that's what it is - abuse.

I'm not suggesting that you lose contact, keep trying or accept defeat. I'm suggesting you start putting in place really strong boundaries around what you will accept regarding her behavior. And stick to it. I also suggest that you see her and deal with her when you feel up to it, not when she feels like dumping on you.

Stop being her punching bag - she will kick and scream when you change the dynamic but at least you will feel as if you have regained some control of the situation - and you are very fortunate to have a loving husband to support you in this!

[anythingulike]

Thank you Gemini for your most insightful answer. I do know that my daughters GP is very concerned about her behaviour and asked her to go and see a psychiatrist because she felt she may be bi-polar. The psychiatrist considers that she isn't, but does think that she has problems. They have suggested that she joins a group where they all discuss their problems in dealing with their day to day lives and their response to difficult situations.

I did look up histrionic and quite a few of the 'symptoms' they list seem quite pertinent. For example, my daughter bought several chickens a few months ago. To begin with they were the focus of her life and she spent a lot of time looking after them, collecting eggs etc. She was very concerned that they were all put away at night so they would be safe from foxes etc. Now she has given away a few of them and the rest are just roaming freely in her garden, day and night, and eggs are left all over the place to go rotten. She also bought a puppy recently, much against my better judgement, and already she is finding looking after her too much of a tie and is considering giving her away too.

I have seen her start so many projects and never completes them. She buys a lot of houseplants and just leaves them without water and they die, but she still leaves them all over her house!

She does make rash decisions which at times have caused great difficulties. In regard to her adoption for example. Last year my sister found my daughters birth parents, with, I might add, no discussion with me whatsoever. I had always said that I would support her if she wanted to find them. When I was told the news I was concerned, and said that my daughter should go through the correct contact procedure and possibly have some form of counselling. I told my daughter that this was extremely important, not just for her, but also for the birth parents. She took no notice at all and phoned her birth father! Thankfully, he was delighted to hear from her and then discussed her with his wife and children. I cannot possibly imagine how he must have felt when a couple of weeks later she decided she didn't want any further contact with him. When I tried to discuss this with her she was very angry and thought that it was none of my business and didn't appear to have any consideration at all for his emotions.

For the moment, at least, I am not in contact with my daughter. I have felt, exactly as you said, like her emotional punch bag. I have been drained both emotionally and financially over the years and feel I have nothing left to give - to her.

I am supremely lucky with my husband whose patience and understanding have really held me together the last few years.

[Gemini54]

In the end, although I have no doubt that you love your daughter, you must do what is good for you.

Some people, even though we love them, are toxic (both to themselves and others). Once we recognize this, it is best to distance ourselves or create strong boundaries.

The person I am really concerned about is your grandson.

[anythingulike]

Thank you once again Gemini for your response. I too am extremely concerned about my grandson. He is also, I feel, being very much put on one side since my daughters new relationship.

Before she met her boyfriend she would not allow anyone to babysit her son, apart from my husband or I, and that was on very rare occasions. It meant that my husband and I could never take her out in the evenings. We suggested my mother-in-law, as she was previously a registered child minder and spends a lot of time with her other young grandchildren. My daughter refused saying that she didn't know my mother-in-law well enough. Unbelievably, within a couple of weeks of meeting her boyfriend, she arranged for a babysitter from an agency!

She even told me that if her boyfriend split up with her because of her son she would never forgive her son.

I am sincerely hoping that when he starts school, which should be any day now, the teachers notice his behaviour.

I have discussed the possibility of talking to child welfare with my husband. He thinks that my daughter is so believable that it would be almost impossible for anyone to believe me. I have been through this scenario so many times with my daughter in the past, and as I said in a previous post, it has caused enormous problems.

She comes across as very intelligent and with sincere concerns for her son. It is a very tricky situation.

[Gemini54]

I understand completely. The thing is, to let them know about her previous behavior - perhaps keep a written record of it - so that they can make their own assessment.

If the child is still in nappies, that is surely a red flag and there will be other pointers for them.