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donrob · Oct 29, 2009, 07:41 AM

Progress was made the first year of our marriage. There was a good relationship between my stepson and myself. My wife stepped in and started to baby him again, because I think she saw him starting to mature. She still does anf the relationship between my stepson and I has gone downhill pretty quick. It is now causing marital problems as well! When confronted about it, she doesn't want to talk about it. They are both loved very much, but the situation is getting harder to deal with. I just want him to learn respect and responsibility as he is nearing adulthood. Right now she is back to waiting on him hand and foot. All he has to do is be here. She now does everything for him. She even puts his socks on for him at 5:30 in the morning! Am I looking at something wrong?

JudyKayTee · Oct 29, 2009, 08:07 AM

As the stepfather I don't know if it's up to you to discipline the child and/or teach him "respect and responsibility." You are not his parent. If you and your wife didn't have an agreement about boundaries I don't see you starting to parent him now.

I'm a stepmother. My late husband and I were in agreement about boundaries when it came to disciplining and "teaching" his children.

I know it's difficult when the child is living in your home but this is not your child. It is also possible that the "honeymoon" stage of your relationship is over and reality has set in.

Would I put socks on a 14-year old? No, but that's just me.

If things are as bad as you say you and your wife need to talk to a third party - I'm sure she's tired of listening to your criticism of her child.

Jake2008 · Oct 29, 2009, 01:47 PM

Does this 14 year old have regular contact with his natural father?

It could be too that your wife is over compensating for the resulting stress between her son, and you.

If that is the case, and she's doing things that are actually detrimental to his development (putting socks on a 14 year old is ridiculous), you will be in for more, not less attitude, because he is a teenager!!

Not to say all teenagers are bad, but most go through some very challenging times and maybe it is more that you are seen as not his 'real' father, and he doesn't have to listen to you. Especially when your wife doesn't back up previous agreements as to discipline.

With the marriage being affected now, could it be that the stage most of us go through with teens, step parent or not, is the real reason for the chaos?

The only other thing that might help sort this out, is marriage counselling. As Judy said, you have to establish boundaries that you can all agree to, and that you can all live with.

Gemini54 · Nov 2, 2009, 03:59 AM

Sometimes mothers overcompensate when their little boys start becoming men. I suspect that if you back off (and just look at it with a slightly amused eye), he will quickly get sick of being babied , as soon as the testosterone really starts to kick in.

Your role is to provide the example for 'manliness' in the household. So do your 'blokey' things - rev the car engine a lot, rattle things in your shed, kick of few footballs around the back yard. Soon enough he'll get sick of having his mom put on his socks and come and join you.

Be patient, it's just a matter of time.

redhed35 · Nov 2, 2009, 05:38 AM

Had to spread the rep gemini.

I think that gemini is on to something there...

Be a role model for him,without forcing the issue,ask him to a football match or just hang out... I bet if his friends found out he was being babied he would be mortified... im not saying to tell them,not at all,but at 14 he is full of hormones and in that half way mark between child and adult.. give him plenty of space,and be a good role model for him.

If you can,give him one to one time with you.

donrob · Nov 5, 2009, 08:43 AM

I think that gemini is on to something there...

Be a role model for him,without forcing the issue,ask him to a football match or just hang out... I bet if his friends found out he was being babied he would be mortified... im not saying to tell them,not at all,but at 14 he is full of hormones and in that half way mark between child and adult.. give him plenty of space,and be a good role model for him.

If you can,give him one to one time with you.[/QUOTE]

I would like to thank everyone for your answers and help. Iam new at this so have a little faith. I would like to explain a few things. This my second marriage and my wife's 6th. There is a 10 year difference in our ages. I have 2 children a daughter 34 and a son 36. I have 3 grandchildren. 14 year old step grandson 12 year old granddaughter and 10 year old grandson. I have being around my sons step children for 11 years. I have showed all my love and affection to all 3. For family spare time we race four wheelers. My stepson also races. He with out a doubt is GOOD at what he does, when it is race time. My stepson and oldest grandson race in the same class this year. They are both very competitive.. Let me explain that one. My son builds my grandsons engines. Yep I build my stepsons engines. My stepson is second in points this year and my grandson is in fifth. Both kids get along great--on the race track and around each other. My wife loves racing. Its where we actully met and yes love at first sight. My stepson does have a biological father. My wife and he were never married. He see's my stepson every Friday after school and my stepson will spend the night with him. His dad is good to him but expects respect and responsibility. Now here is what I think-- oops -- My stepson and I were real tight. My wife would tell me at times what was going on in her sons life and I would say that I already knew. I think there might be a problem there or where it started?? Got to Go Thanks

artlady · Nov 5, 2009, 09:22 AM

Originally Posted by donrob

I think that gemini is on to something there...

Be a role model for him,without forcing the issue,ask him to a football match or just hang out... I bet if his friends found out he was being babied he would be mortified... im not saying to tell them,not at all,but at 14 he is full of hormones and in that half way mark between child and adult.. give him plenty of space,and be a good role model for him.

If you can,give him one to one time with you.

I would like to thank everyone for your answers and help. Iam new at this so have a little faith. I would like to explain a few things. This my second marriage and my wife's 6th. There is a 10 year difference in our ages. I have 2 children a daughter 34 and a son 36. I have 3 grandchildren. 14 year old step grandson 12 year old granddaughter and 10 year old grandson. I have being around my sons step children for 11 years. I have showed all my love and affection to all 3. For family spare time we race four wheelers. My stepson also races. He with out a doubt is GOOD at what he does, when it is race time. My stepson and oldest grandson race in the same class this year. They are both very competitive.. Let me explain that one. My son builds my grandsons engines. Yep I build my stepsons engines. My stepson is second in points this year and my grandson is in fifth. Both kids get along great--on the race track and around each other. My wife loves racing. Its where we actully met and yes love at first sight. My stepson does have a biological father. My wife and he were never married. He see's my stepson every Friday after school and my stepson will spend the night with him. His dad is good to him but expects respect and responsibility. Now here is what I think-- oops -- My stepson and I were real tight. My wife would tell me at times what was going on in her sons life and I would say that I already knew. I think there might be a problem there or where it started?? Got to Go Thanks

[/QUOTE]

If she is putting his socks on and babying him to such a degree,I suspect Mom wants to keep him a child as long as possible,for her own sake.

Your relationship may be threatening to her because she is not willing to have him develop other relationships that would potentially have him pull away from her.

She needs to understand a few important facts.

One is that the more people who are good role models in her sons life,the better off he is.It will make for a more well rounded individual.

She also needs to understand that coddling and doting on children do them a great disservice.

That is for babies,not for people on the threshold of adulthood.

She is teaching him nothing by doing that.

Her actions are for her and not for him and that is what she needs to come to terms with.

Jake2008 · Nov 5, 2009, 09:55 AM

There has to be more to this.

When the relationship between you and your stepson started to go downhill, what was going on at that time. For things to have progressed so quickly, with the result of you and your wife having marital problems now, was there a catalyst that you can think of?

All of a sudden you say your wife stepped in and started to baby him. You think it is because he is starting to mature. I sense that by doing the mothering thing to such a degree, she is protecting him from something.

Could it be he is no longer interested in the racing? Could he be feeling undue pressure to race or conform or 'be a man' around the group that participates in this? I don't see you saying that your son loves racing, or looks forward to this. You and your wife do, and maybe she doesn't want to rock the boat.

When you argue with your wife about him, what do you argue about. He has an attitude, and that could very well be his own defenses kicking in. You get attitude instead of answers. How do you expect your wife to respond to that, if you and she are arguing about her son, and can you say honestly that you aren't putting pressure on both of them?

I think this is far more than your wife being over protective here. It's almost like she's compensating by over doing it, because the two of them have after all, been a team before she married you.

I am not putting you down here, in fact, I admire you for having raised healthy kids, and kids you love to spend time with. But, for some reason, your son is not fitting into this picture, and I wonder why.

donrob · Nov 5, 2009, 10:13 AM

I tried to talk to my wife last night about some of these problems and got shot down -- Her answer was don't want to talk about it. We actually spend a lot of time talking while cooking togather. I just cannot get her to talk about what she is doing to her own son. I have a lot of faith and love. I just got to get my wife to open up!

Jake2008 · Nov 5, 2009, 10:24 AM

I agree to a point, because I think a lot of what is going on now, she has the answers for.

Maybe you just have to get a bit more creative. See if maybe the two of you can get away for a weekend when your stepson is with his father. Nothing need be fancy or expensive, just somewhere nice where you can have a good time together, and talk.

She could very well be in that place where a lot of us mothers find ourselves, feeling she needs to keep the peace between her husband and her son. To talk about that might just open up more defenses, insinuations, accusations, etc. and she's shut down because that position will drain the life out of anybody.

Until you can manage some alone time together, and talk and truly listen, will you gain any insight. You may not like what you hear if she opens up, but it is better to find out exactly what is going on, without judgment, so you are aware of what you need to do to make things easier on everybody.

And, in thinking about your stepson, I doubt that he expects to be babied at his age. But, he is reluctant to stop her, as to not hurt her feelings. What she is really doing is mothering him out of his problems, because she is helpless to help him otherwise.

I could be all wrong, but if she feels she is inbettween a rock and a hard place, an extra effort of love and kindness from you, might just turn the tide here.

donrob · Nov 5, 2009, 10:27 AM

My stepson loves racing. About four weeks ago my stepson and my grandson broke there collar bones opposite ends of the race track at the same time. Both are driving us crazy to go back racing. As far as more to the story than I have said not so much. I pride myself and my company on honesty. If I have left something out please let me know ! Iam trying very hard to do the right things.

Jake2008 · Nov 5, 2009, 10:31 AM

Not a doubt in my mind that you are a good person Don.

This impasse may be 'just' the teenage attitude, or it may be something more serious, but somehow you have to find a way to get people talking again.

Out of curiosity, what kind of relationship do you have with his father. He may be a good source of information as well.

donrob · Nov 5, 2009, 11:15 AM

We talk about every 2 weeks or so. When he would come to the races we would talk every week. Iam not judging any one but his father lives with his mom and dad. My stepsons grand parent are real nice. There are times my stepson does not want to go with his dad on some fridays and this up sets me a little but my wife will tell a little white lie to get my stepson out of going? That's not proper teaching. But I keep my mouth shut!

donrob · Nov 5, 2009, 11:22 AM

I have tried to talk to my stepsons father I really do not have a clue how to explain it but here goes --- Nice guy but one sandwich shy of a happy meal... Sorry! See I told you..

Gemini54 · Nov 5, 2009, 01:54 PM

Don, I really think that you may just need to back off for a little while.

Clearly there is a reason why your wife is overprotective of her son, but she ain't willing to talk about it - yet. Who knows, it may be to do with his biological dad.

It's her relationship with her son, and there isn't much that you can do, so it may be wise to be your usual supportive self and just let them be. He'll get sick of the over-mothering soon enough.

I can tell you from personal experience that being a step-parent is often a joyless experience - and you get little credit for what you contribute.

That's partly what's at issue here. You care about your step-son, you're experienced with kids, you can sense that the dynamic is dysfunctional and you want to 'fix' it.

Sometimes there are things that we can't fix - or not immediately, anyway. Best to let the dynamic between mother, son and father play out without too much interference from you.

Keep racing the four wheelers!

donrob · Nov 5, 2009, 02:31 PM

Thank you. Ive decided to give help when needed and best of all keep my mouth shut. As far as joyless I have had a lot of rewards from my stepson. He is trying to grow up but he will figure it out. It kind of reminds me of my childhood. I was 27 before I gave my dad credit for having a brain. Iam not good with words -- nothing meant toward my dad. Thanks