[hphillips]

I have a 10 yr old stepdaughter who has come into my life in the last 3 yrs. We don't exactly see eye to eye. Before she moved in with me she didn't have any structure... now there is structure, and she is acting out in hurtful ways. We have tried counseling and nothing has worked. She has turned to lying and stealing on more than one occasion. She is just very rude and disrespectful to everyone. She mimicks everything we say. Will ignore everything we say like she doesn't even acknowledge we are speaking to her. Purposely tries to hurt my 2yr old daughter by pushing her down stairs, pinching, hitting... ect. This is not exceptable to me. But her father backs up all of her actions.. and often things go un punished because she is his baby.. what do I do? She is making this family a living hell! We need some good sound working advice... before this kid ends up in JAIL!

[landlady]

Honey, you need to hide a video camera in your home and force your husband to see his baby in a new light. Often, watching a video is so much more raw than seeing it live. Nanny cams can be purchased for under a hundred dollars now. If he won't do anything about her after seeing the footage of her trying to hurt your toddler then you have to decide who needs you more, your husband or your baby. Call his bluff and let him know that your main job in this world is to protect and nurture that baby and if said tween terror doesn't get help that she has to get out or you will. You may have to go live with friends or relatives for a little while and it may break your heart, but your daughter deserves to grow up a happy, healthy, and functional member of society. Capable of understanding rules, limitations, consequences and most of all love. God didn't give her to you to be abused, further, God never intended for you to be abused by this other child either. Often people feel trapped by the idea that they will be viewed as the wicked stepparent and tales will be told against them. But Honey, it's your house, your home, your family. She can choose to be apart of it or not. Let her know that she can choose to be a doughter of your home and reap all the rewards of that relationship-like movies, phone, clothes, pizza etc. If she chooses not to get along and follow the rules, chores, pleasantries etc... then your only obligation is to see that she has shelter and food and clothing. Her clothes can come from goodwill, she can eat pb &j while the family has pork chops, and all the luxeries of her room can be stripped. No games no phones---nada. They call it tough love--you can call it rehab. If your husband can't get on board write Dr. Phil and send him the footage of the little demon in action and you husband sticking up for her. If you really get footage of her hurting the little one---show it to your husband and threaten to turn it over to child protective services and have her removed from the home as a danger to the baby's safety.
You can choose to fix the child now--whatever it takes---or live with it for the next 8 years and probably loose your husband in the process anyway. Good luck...

[rockie100]

When my daughter was young she was a terror. I was lucky enough to have a very close friend that she adored. She looked up to her, listened to her. My friend took it upon herself to correct her whenever possible. I thank her to this day for working her charms on my wild child. Do you have a sister, friend, other parent that seems to be able to reach her in this way?

[Jake2008]

Everybody needs to be on the same page here.

If you and your husband are being played one side against the other, and there is no consistent discipline and expectations, it is not the child's fault.

Parents aren't given instruction manuals, and if they were, they'd be revising them every other day anyway. But the basics have to be established. Trust, honesty, accountability and consequence. Any child is old enough to learn what is appropriate behaviour, and what is not. More importantly, what consistent consequences are in an age appropriate manner.

With the 2 year old being put in a position of actually being harmed, this should motivate both of you to get yourselves into counselling, and learn how to work and communicate together to raise this step child before the 2 year old is pushed down the stairs and ends up with a broken leg, or worse.

This stepchild has not learned what she should have already learned. That is not her fault either. You got her, and her behaviour, because that was the way she was raised. I suspect that the mother couldn't handle her, so passed her off to the dad.

If your husband cannot see that there is a lot of work to be done here, and get his behind into counselling to find out how to do it, then your job will be impossible. You can't be doing the right thing, and him turning around and undermining it. What he is doing is confusing this child, and the behaviour will continue, and probably get worse, until you are both parenting this child skillfully.

[molly99]

All children need to feel wanted and loved, especially step children. If her mother bailed on her, she will have anxiety over that. She needs to feel safe in that you aren't going to bail on her too. You should be glad that she is comfortable enough with you to misbehave and talk back. Be glad, but still correct her behavior. She's going to be jealous of the two year old, that's normal in all families. Her trying to hurt the infant is not okay and needs to be corrected. I know it might sound crazy, but time outs are great, even for 10 year olds. She sounds like she needs a strong understanding female to let her know that she's loved, but her behaviour will not be tolerated. As for the husband, trying to get between him and his little girl will only result in conflict. Find something that works for discipline with her and let him see that it works and she's not going to die if she has to cry in her room for 10 minutes. The best advice I can give for discipline is consistency. I find that most discipline fails because parents give up too soon. Make sure you notice even the smallest of improvements and point them out to both her and her father.

[jmjoseph]

Honey, you need to hide a video camera in your home and force your husband to see his baby in a new light. Often, watching a video is so much more raw than seeing it live. Nanny cams can be purchased for under a hundred dollars now. If he won't do anything about her after seeing the footage of her trying to hurt your toddler then you have to decide who needs you more, your husband or your baby. Call his bluff and let him know that your main job in this world is to protect and nurture that baby and if said tween terror doesnt get help that she has to get out or you will. you may have to go live with friends or relatives for a little while and it may break your heart, but your daughter deserves to grow up a happy, healthy, and functional member of society. Capable of understanding rules, limitations, consequences and most of all love. God didnt give her to you to be abused, further, God never intended for you to be abused by this other child either. Often people feel trapped by the idea that they will be viewed as the wicked stepparent and tales will be told against them. But Honey, it's your house, your home, your family. She can choose to be apart of it or not. Let her know that she can choose to be a doughter of your home and reap all the rewards of that relationship-like movies, phone, clothes, pizza etc. If she chooses not to get along and follow the rules, chores, pleasantries etc.....then your only obligation is to see that she has shelter and food and clothing. Her clothes can come from goodwill, she can eat pb &j while the family has pork chops, and all the luxeries of her room can be stripped. no games no phones---nada. They call it tough love--you can call it rehab. If your husband can't get on board write Dr. Phil and send him the footage of the little demon in action and you husband sticking up for her. If you really get footage of her hurting the little one---show it to your husband and threaten to turn it over to child protective services and have her removed from the home as a danger to the babys safety.
You can choose to fix the child now--whatever it takes---or live with it for the next 8 years and probably loose your husband in the proccess anyway. Good luck.........................

Goodwill?? Dr Phil?? Are you really serious?

[Mistique]

I really liked what Rockie pointed out! I was a mentor for my eldest niece. She listened to NO ONE and her parents would call me for the disciplining... see it's not that I disciplined her... it's that I was young, she looked up to me and I really "listened" to her. Sure I put her in time out (like I do my eldest) but I ask them if they know why they where being bad (not bad but being bad), why it was wrong and what we could do next time to correct the situation. It's easy to spew out orders and lay out new foundations but it sometimes involves how you do it and if the "transition" is smooth enough not to impede on her individualism - the result could be lasting effects. Does this little girl have anyone she looks up to and can talk with either in or outside of the family?

I will say that it has been 3 years... this is not an adjustment period anymore! These are emotional/developmental issues. Instability in character and moral judgment indicate not behavioral problems (to me) but emotional ones. If we could find out what is hurting this little girl then maybe she will stop hurting others around her. If you don't get a grip on it now... you never will and will have some serious problems down the road in the teen age years... possible adult ones too. You said you tried counseling but it doesn't work! Taking a 10 year old to the counselors is not a bad idea - but not as a family. Send her on her own... she can learn to trust the counselor and hopefully start opening up. You can't give up after a couple of months... maybe it is something she needs to do for a while... you should notice improvements.

What I read in your post about your communication in your intimate relationship with your partner I don't like. He sides with her and not with you... I hope he does not do this in front of the children! He should believe you, support you and assist in the discussion and resolution of the issue surrounding your 10 year old hurting your 2 year old. If his 10 year old daughter witnesses his consistent rebuttal (even if stubble) against you... the 10 year old will realize that you have no real authority and therefore will not respect you. Regardless, she is old enough to know NOT to hurt your 2 year old... it sounds like she resents her in a lot of big ways. This little girl isn't so much angry as she is hurt about something that she is facing off as anger (since anger is not a true emotion - egotistical reaction but not an emotion) it is faced by the true emotion of "embarrassment" "denial" "hurt" and "pain".

Also since she is growing into a little lady, does she have her own personal "sanctuary" where no one can barge in on her? Does she have certain rules of her own maybe she would like to introduce? Have you discussed the rules with her and seen what really does not work? How you could make it better? Have you tried negotiating and finding some sort of "mutual" ground? Does she have any friends? Is she an active participant in academics? She may feel that you are taking the position of her mother... right now you just need to get to know her and be her friend. Once some sort of companionship is made then you can start mothering her. What is her relationship with her biological mother? What are the circumstances and changes this child went through growing up?

Does she have something to do so she can actively and constructively output that energy, fighting personality (competitive) like a sport? Sports are great for the output of physical energy and it could soothe her natural characteristics as a competitor... sports also teach children to be good sports and finding the win-win solution even in the face of loss. Does she like to draw or color? Some children have active imaginations and need to output it somewhere as well (drawing table/paint/pastel/pencil crayons/shadow pencils)... giving her constructive projects might help and give her the ability to express herself in other way's. Plus, a sport might get your family out of the house together, giving her attention and most importantly trying to relate/bond with her. Your 2 year old could be her biggest fan and shout for her at the sidelines! Wear a T-Shirt with her big sisters name - so she doesn't feel like a 1/2 sister anymore but a big sister... 2 year old are so cute and so ready to please (at times of course) but get her excited to see her big sister play and she will be all into it! Maybe your 10 year old will come around if she gets the attention (positive attention) from everyone. As for the drawing... I know this type of behavior and sometimes writing a poem, journal or art is considered therapeutic. You can make your home more comforting with herbal sent therapy and candles... making your environment more serene and secure. Just some ideas... maybe they are completely out there I don't know but I really hope you can get to the core reason.

Continue to be helpful, neutral, positive and supportive. Show her you care and maybe you and her should try to have a girls night (pamper night) no matter how reluctant she is... just make it fun and even when she is talking back "DEFLECT" make it about her and not about YOU... ask her why and always verbally and physically tell her that you love her. Being consistent in your efforts and trying to find a mutual area of comfort. It may take 6 months to a year but eventually she should get better.

When she warms up to you then maybe you can try to have both the children spend more active time together... you as a family spend time together.

Try to find out why this little girl is hurting and you will find out why she is angry.