[HappyBird]

My daughter, 14, in high school, had sex with a senior, 18, last summer, she was madly in love with him and we only knew about what happened by coincidence. We then did what we thought was right: cut the boy off, and are planning to press charges for statutory rape against him. We changed her school, now she goes to a private school, and cut her off all the friends, she cherished most and we thought had a bad influence on her. We are monitoring her emails, and social networks and all her communications. We also tried to go to counseling, but she refused, and is growing more and more confrontational, opposing us in every way possible. She says she hates us and wants to leave the house as soon as possible. We are at a loss, she is our only child, and she is very bright in school. I guess I do not understand her animosity towards us, although she admits she messed up, she still clings to him (in thought) and to those friends who encouraged to have sex and applauded her afterward. She thinks we hate her and are out there to make her suffer.
How can we make her understand that we are only looking out for her and did what every caring parent should do? Or did we?

[tickle]

First of all the resistrictions on your daughter are way too harsh. Even though she did have sex, she is still your daughter and still only l4 years old and probably not mature enough to accept everything. I can wholly understand where she is coming from and also her animosity towards her. Sure she still clings to thoughs of him. That isn't bad you know, it is normal for a female to do who has been inimate with someone.

Changing her school was not bad move, cutting her off from her friends is bad news, as well as monitoring her e mails (she still needs privacy).

If you plan on pressing charges against the young man, understand that all this will have be relived again and again by her and you. Maybe rethink that option. It takes two to tango, so why is it rape ?

Ms tickle

[88sunflower]

Wow! I agree with Tickle its way to harsh.

I was 15 the first time I had sex. I was with the boy until I was 18. I made the mature decision myself to go on the pill. I think you maybe could have at least sat her down and talked with her first.

Arresting him for rape? That's going over the line to me. Like I said I was 15. I was willing and ready and wanted to. Do I think I was to young, now looking back of course I was. But I am sure your daughter was a willing partner in this. Her friends maybe did encourage her. But that's what friends do. Its our jobs as parents to educate our children on the pros and cons of sex and waiting. Why cut off her friends? They didn't lay down with that boy she did.

I understand her feelings towards you. But I agree she is to young and maybe just needed to be sat down and talked to about this. Now she has fear in her and when she is ready she won't be able to confront you on protection or advice.

Of course she has feelings for him. He was her first. She gave herself to him. I never forgot my first. You can lock her in a room forever and his memory will be with her.

[justcurious55]

Maybe the punishment for the daughter is a little harsh. But the guy was 18. An 18 year old having sex with a 14 year is statutory rape. It's illegal. He should know better.

I would gradually start giving her space. Start giving her opportunities to earn your trust back. Make the rules very clear. Let her hang out with her old friends. But until you can trust her, everyone has to hang out with her at your house, while you are home. They can have some space. You don't have to be hanging out in the same room with them the whole time. But she can still hang out with them and you can still be nearby so they can't get into trouble. When she's earned some trust back and can go out with friends, set some rules. Drop her off. Know who she'll be with. Maybe she'll have to call at certain times to check in with you. Pick her up. If she's going to someone else's house, get that person's parent's number and give them a call before they go.

I am kind of curious, what do you mean you found out by coincidence?

[88sunflower]

I do understand its rape and I am not brushing that off by any means. I guess in my mind I am thinking what they were thinking. They are dating, think they are in love and so on. If it were a one time thing and he convinced her, of course its rape. I was hoping they were in a relationship when this happened and just didn't think things through more clearly before it happened. Maybe a better explanation on what happened or how it happened.

But again I do agree. Set some rules but don't tie her to the house.

[justcurious55]

I'd like more details too. But in my mind, I think this 18 year old guy took advantage of this 14 year old girl thinking she was in love with him (because really, at 14, how many of us thought we were in love? And then later at 18 realized that maybe there's a difference between love and lust and could even tell the two apart?) and he should have known better. But maybe I'm just too cynical.

[88sunflower]

i'd like more details too. but in my mind, i think this 18 year old guy took advantage of this 14 year old girl thinking she was in love with him (because really, at 14, how many of us thought we were in love? and then later at 18 realized that maybe there's a difference between love and lust and could even tell the two apart?) and he should have known better. but maybe i'm just too cynical.

I agree with you. I would like to hear more also. I can see both sides happening. I guess I see it the other way because it was exactly that way with me. I started to date a senior at 14, a month later I turned 15 and we had sex. But lucky or not, we did stay together. Doesn't make it any more right.

I am now thinking did the parents know there was an 18 year old in he life? Maybe not. So maybe she was pushed in to it.

[HappyBird]

maybe the punishment for the daughter is a little harsh. but the guy was 18. an 18 year old having sex with a 14 year is statutory rape. it's illegal. he should know better.

i would gradually start giving her space. start giving her opportunities to earn your trust back. make the rules very clear. let her hang out with her old friends. but until you can trust her, everyone has to hang out with her at your house, while you are home. they can have some space. you don't have to be hanging out in the same room with them the whole time. but she can still hang out with them and you can still be nearby so they can't get into trouble. when she's earned some trust back and can go out with friends, set some rules. drop her off. know who she'll be with. maybe she'll have to call at certain times to check in with you. pick her up. if she's going to someone else's house, get that person's parent's number and give them a call before they go.

i am kind of curious, what do you mean you found out by coincidence?

----------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you all for your advice. I am not originally from the US and pre-marital sex is a big, say huge, no-no where I come from. As for how we came to know: She left her an email open in which she was telling her friends that she had unprotected sex with the guy. She can still see some of her friends, it is not like we are locking her up, but we select who she sees.

[justcurious55]

Is it safe for me to assume you freaked out and probably yelled at her? I imagine that would be my gut reaction if I were in your shoes. But maybe you were able to collect your thought before you talked to her and were able to have an actual conversation with her. If so, you can probably ignore the rest of my post. But if you haven't already had a sit down talk with her, it's never too late. She should be able to come to you and feel safe talking to you. She needs to know that at the end of the day, even when she messes up, you still love her. Share your views on sex before marriage. She doesn't have to have the same views but she should learn to respect yours. And explain to her that even though you really, really, don't want her having sex, that at least if she decides to in the future, to use protection. And make sure she understands why. Make sure she's aware of all of the risks that come with sex. Stds. Pregnancy. It's tough, because you don't want to scare her out of sex forever, but she really does need to be aware of all the possibilities.

[88sunflower]

Very good justcurious. Its never to late to have that talk. If she is doing it then it needs to be done. She needs to be safe at least.

[tickle]

i'd like more details too. but in my mind, i think this 18 year old guy took advantage of this 14 year old girl thinking she was in love with him (because really, at 14, how many of us thought we were in love? and then later at 18 realized that maybe there's a difference between love and lust and could even tell the two apart?) and he should have known better. but maybe i'm just too cynical.

Unfortunately some men only think with their lower brain, and OP inferred the daugher's friends encouraged her. What man could resist the temptation of nubile flesh ? In other words the 'gonads' took over. I still think it could have been a joint venture in this case. Yes, I do agree, JC, we need more details for sure.

Tick

EDIT; sorry, meant to say some young men only think with their lower brain

[artlady]

I live in New York and here we have a program for troubled teens and or teens who are in need of some outside supervision along with parental supervision.

The program is called PINS.Person in need of supervision.
Many states have similar programs with a different title.

While I see much of her behavior as typical teen angst,you are the deciding factor.

The programs offered often include therapy.If you think she needs therapy,call your county mental health office and see what programs you can get her into that would make it mandatory she attend sessions with a therapist.

I would add that if you take away everything,the child has nothing to lose and will often rebel even more.

Gradually ,you need to try to regain trust.Just as trust is earned it is also lost.You will have to begin to give her some of her freedoms back in time.She must have an opportunity to prove that she can be trusted.

She needs to know exactly what your expectations and rules are and be specific about the rules and the consequence's for breaking them.

A breakdown in communication is the last thing you need during these critical teen years.

If you haven't established good communication now ,you will both suffer as a result.

Get some books or read on line about effective parenting for teens.

They are unique in their needs and it is a trying time for both parent and child.

Your position as dictator and ruler has changed and while you must maintain control,the methods you use will affect the outcome for good or bad.

You need to understand that she can not be disciplined as a child any longer and make the punishment fit the crime.

Arm yourself with knowledge and you will be better prepared to face this new parenting challenge.

[HappyBird]

I cannot thank all of you enough for you advice. Your answers gave me a perspective on how my daughter might be seeing the whole situation.

I shall work on putting the trust back in our relationship.

HappyBird