[thedirtymustard]

Hi, thanks for coming to help out. I don't want to go on a whole large rant, but I do want to make sure that anyone reading this truly gets what I am talking about.

My name is Kevin and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I met her in High school and she is a year older than me. She went to college for a year and I finished up high school and now we are going to be going to the same college. We lasted a whole year of long distance, and are happily togeather.

Before I tell you about myself, I want to say some things about her. She is an amazing girl and girlfriend! She is not one of the girls with a sexy flaunty attitude, but instead, she is an intellectual with a cute attitude and a very cute look. She works hard at school and barely ever parties, and when it comes to guys, she tries to stay away from them all.

Me on the other hand, I am an intellectual as well and study hard and, because she does it, I stay away form girls as well. Even though we are basically the same, I am a <b>LOT</b> more insecure and jelous than she is. When a girl talks to me, she does get a little upset, but when she is around boys, I am always nervous and have to ask if she thinks that he is attractive and what not.

There has been an incident once, when we were 4 months in, she was at a party in college and was with her friend and a drunk boy walked up to her from her old school and they were talking. When she was walking out, he pulled on her shirt and she said she had to go. The guy quickly dove in a kissed her, and she says she pulled away right away! She told her mom, her friend, and therapist this but me, I find it hard to believe. I know she is tellign the truth, but my mind just won't let me accept it.

She has never given me a reason to doubt her. She even told the boy a couple days after that she has a boyfriend and can not do anything with him.. I guess he was just a gdrunk guy looking for a hookup. The same happened to me with a girl and I feel horrible. After that we decided we would not drink without each other tc.

Anyway, I need help. I am over jelous and controlling. She has ever tough a guy other than me, and I have had sex with a couple other girls, yet I am so so so jelous with the fact that she kissed a couple guys, and had her shirt and bra off with one of them.. You guys don't understand, whe I think about it, my heart feels like there is a knot around it. And after I think about it, her going anywhere without me makes me feel like she likes someone else. When I don't here from her wfor a while, it makes me feel like she is losing interest. When we are togeather, its amazing.. she never lets me forget the fact that she loves me, but when we are apart, I am a mess..

I don't sleep when she is out with friends and can't concentrate when she is out, and I alwayse bring up her and the past guys she kissed and the college situation

I know I have a problem and I need to fix it. I don't want to lose this amazing girl because of my brain..

I believe it comes to me because I had a relationship before where the girl cheated on me twice and I was a mess, but I can't give excuses.

Can someone please tlak some sense into me.. I don't want to waste my happiness thinking about how she might break up with me or is losing interest. She loves me so much and is not one to ever cheat on me.. she likes to promise me we will be together forever..

I don't want to hurt her anymore and do not want to push ourselves away. If someone cal please suggest some ways to feel better and stop, I would really appreciate it. I want to go to therapy and get everything worked out.

Thanks for taking this time to help me with my problems..

Kevin

[jrsg]

You already know what you are thinking is wrong, so I don't know what I can say.
I think that you should trust her more... SHE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR A YEAR+! That is pretty damn good. TRUST HER, she TRUSTS YOU!

If she is attractive, there will be other guys who will try to pick her up, IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN! Just TRUST that she will turn down these guys. Trust me, a guy commenting her is not going to erase the year you guys have been dating.

[JBeaucaire]

Do you know any guys who ever hit someone for no reason? Did you do it, too? No? So you shouldn't be punished for something some other random guy did that you don't? Are you sure? Maybe you should be punished for other's sins.
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Ever heard of a guy killing someone, or raping, or cheating, or stealing? You do any of these things? No? Shouldn't you be punished anyway? I mean, after all, SOMEBODY did them!
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Now, back to you. If you really, REALLY want to control this, think about what FAILING to control these behaviors will get you. Do you really think a girl as awesome and level-headed and smart and desirable as she is will hang around for someone who puts her into a defense mode over things she hasn't even done? How long do you think this will KEEP this girl?

I bet you're smart enough to know the answer is not much longer.

Guys will always find her attractive. Guys will always try and hit on her, even after you two get married. Why? Because they will! And it will have nothing to do with her, it is simply walking through the universe being awesome. That's attractive.

You really need to be doing the same thing... Walking through the universe confident and awesome. You don't date your girl to GET something from her, you date her to GIVE her something, your absolute best. Nothing more.

She doesn't get nor deserve your insecurities. She doesn't have to deal with your frailties FOR you, you protect her from them, because she deserves only the best in life, even from you.

You do that, and she does the same for you, you two are destined for great love. Sacrificial love is about giving up something to find something even better. You give up your need to think you're the only one who could love her or be attracted to her. You give up the need to control her every moment. You give up selfish "she's mine" thinking.

You get an awesome girl who sees your confidence, your growing maturity and involvement in other things, your ambitions and love for her, and she wants to be around that more and more.

You win. But only if you lose the need to pursue these selfish feelings and thoughts. Lose them totally.

Is that enough?

[talaniman]

I want to go to therapy and get everything worked out.

Sounds like a great idea to me.

[thedirtymustard]

Thank you so far for these answers.

I understand that I need to lose this feeling, but my problem is how to do it. Every time I think about it, I try and try to overcome the thoughts of something going on by suppressing them and by thinking of all the good, but its not enough. I feel drained and tired after this. I want to be able to trust her and feel it. I also want to not only know she loves me, but let my guard down and FEEL like she lives me. The only way I feel it is when we are together, but I want to still feel it when we are apart. Please help me out.

Thanks

[talaniman]

How old are you?

[manga]

Thank you so far for these answers.

I understnad that I need to lose this feeling, but my problem is how to do it. Every time I think about it, I try and try to overcome the thoughts of something going on by supressing them and by thinking of all the good, but its not enough. I feel drained and tired after this. I want to be able to trust her and feel it. I also want to not only know she loves me, but let my guard down and FEEL like she lives me. The only way I feel it is when we are together, but I want to still feel it when we are apart. Please help me out.

Thanks

put some value on yourself and don't rely on her to make them for you. You need to have a healthy self-esteem then those feelings will diminish. Working it out with yourself as if you're building a healthy relationship like you would with her. You are someone to yourself besides the people around you.

[MulhollandDGirl]

my ex was just like you. I hated that he felt like he couldn't trust me because he should've known by my personality that I wouldn't have any random hookups, ever. Realize that every girl, basically, loves it so much more when they're with their boyfriends, if she were the "random hookup" person she would've dumped you. She loves you if she has had a longdistance relationship with you without breaking up, she could've had so many reasons as to why you should've broke up, but she hasn't. That is like the ultimat sign of loyalty and love.

It probably sucks to hear this, but you are pushing her away with your jealousy, that's why I broke up with my ex. I felt like I was the bad person and I got really low selfesteem because of it, in the end I just couldn't take it anymore.

Trust her loyalty, because she has earned it.

[f104]

DirtyMustare I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been there and it feels absolutely horrible. The saddest thing about it is that the more we try to control a person the less control we have.

You can change but it will take a lot of work on your part. I used to convince myself that the women I was with were going to cheat on me. Eventually I cheated on them as I had convinced myself they would cheat on me. The thing was they never ever cheated on me.

If your GF is going to cheat on you there is nothing you can do about it. If you cheat on your GF there is nothing she can do about it.

Trust takes time to develop. Making promises to drink or not drink does not build trust. Promising to not go out with certain people or avoiding certain places does not build trust.


It is important that you and her have interests and friends separate from one another. It is important that you both spend time apart from one another(even if only a couple of days a week) so trust develops. It will be hard at first and terrifying for you. But chances are if you really care about one another trust will build and the relationship will grow stronger.

I wish you all the best and I know exactly where you are coming from. It has taken be years of hard work to overcome jealousy and the like. YOu can do it but it will take time. I wish you all the best.

[thedirtymustard]

"my ex was just like you. I hated that he felt like he couldn't trust me because he should've known by my personality that i wouldn't have any random hookups, ever. Realize that every girl, basically, loves it so much more when they're with their boyfriends, if she were the "random hookup" person she would've dumped you. She loves you if she has had a longdistance relationship with you without breaking up, she could've had so many reasons as to why you should've broke up, but she hasn't. that is like the ultimat sign of loyalty an"

Yea I understand where you are coming from. She, though, has had random hookups a few times in high school, but has never ever touched or done anythign with any guys.. That's understandable because I did that, and a lot more. Are you saying that even though she did do that, she would never now?


And f104, thank you for that. I like to hear of people who are in the same situation to learn from there experiences. I think that the last 10 days I have been doing that. She has been in CT and can only talk once a day at 12pm. I was doing OK, until today.. My heart felt like it was going to explode.

[f104]

And f104, thank you for that. I like to hear of people who are in the same situation to learn from there experiences. I think that the last 10 days I have been doing that. She has been in CT and can only talk once a day at 12pm. I was doing OK, until today.. My heart felt like it was going to explode.

As hard as that is for you it is probably good for you. I get the same way.The woman I am seeing now is out of town for about 3 days. So I have to force myself to do something other than obsess over her. I do schoolwork, I workout, I visit friends etc. I do things that force me to concentrate on anything other than her.

Years ago when I first started college I was so obsessed over a woman I was seeing I actually dropped out of school. My GPA fell from 3.8 to 2.1. I never went to class as I spent all my time with her or obsessing over her. The crazy thing was she and I broke up anyway.

You may want to try and remember why you were attracted to your GT in the first place. It is funny how we are attracted to a person and then when we are with them we want them to change what they do so we feel secure about the relationship. Eventually that person is not the same person we were attracted to and then either them or us end the relationship. Often we say well he/she was not the person I thought they were.


You will be okay. Ask yourself if you love her. Next ask yourself if you trust her. If you love her and you trust her then you have nothing to worry about.

That feeling of your heart exploding will pass. I know that feeling well. It is good that you are trying to talk about those feelings with other people. Well I must go as I have a meeting to get to.

[MulhollandDGirl]

If she quit single life to be with you, she has put that behind herself. If she really wanted to hookup with other people she would've broken up with you.
I'm in a long distance relationship now, we have an open relaionship, and I hooked up with one guy, I felt sick to my stomach and I hated it, now I don't want to hookup with anyone, I'm going to wait till I se my guy. So I think that girls in relationships don't really like to hookup, unless they're sluts, and you're girl doesn't seem slutty, she seems smart. Smart girls know better tha to cheat.

[chocopies]

Bluntly put:

1. You obviously don't trust her at all.

2. Worrying too much will just lead to horrible, irrational, pessimistic thoughts.

3. Talking about greedy, stop being needy.

4. Your needy dependent behavior is epic fail.

Advice:

1. Learn to trust her, geez. That really is the only way to calm you down!

2. Find some activies to do. Go the gym, hang out with your own friends, find a hobby, etc. I don't know, just find something to take your mind off things.

3. Relationships are important, but it seems like you're priotizing it to #1 in your life. I would suggest moving that to slot 4-5#, or even lower... this is just my 2 cents.

4. Nobody really NEEDS their girlfriend/boyfriend to do simple tasks.

You know, I'm pretty sure she sees you as her knight in shining armor. You stand out from the crowd. What is there to worry about, you already have her geez.

I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years now and I trust her enough to even sleep over her male friends' apartment. Why? Because nobody in their right mind will give up the history they've established for 'random hookups'.

These are just my personal opinions based on what I've read. If anyone feels strongly against what I said, then lol whatever.

[Burn_Notice]

Bluntly put:

1. You obviously don't trust her at all.

2. Worrying too much will just lead to horrible, irrational, pessimistic thoughts.

3. Talking about greedy, stop being needy.

4. Your needy dependant behavior is epic fail.

Advice:

1. Learn to trust her, geez. That really is the only way to calm you down!

2. Find some activies to do. Go the gym, hang out with your own friends, find a hobby, etc. I don't know, just find something to take your mind off things.

3. Relationships are important, but it seems like you're priotizing it to #1 in your life. I would suggest moving that to slot 4-5#, or even lower...this is just my 2 cents.

4. Nobody really NEEDS their girlfriend/boyfriend to do simple tasks.

You know, I'm pretty sure she sees you as her knight in shining armor. You stand out from the crowd. What is there to worry about, you already have her geez.

I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years now and I trust her enough to even sleep over her male friends' apartment. Why? Because nobody in their right mind will give up the history they've established for 'random hookups'.

These are just my personal opinions based on what I've read. If anyone feels strongly against what I said, then lol whatever.

Really good answer, I agree that that relationships should never be made priority #1 in one's life, because if another person is all you have to rely on for your life to be stable, calm and happy then you are setting yourself up for disappointment big time, cause relationships end, people change, but love towards yourself should always be there no matter what...


But hey, I don't practice what I preach right now, I have great issues with this sort of problem too and can relate A lot to the problems you have, my relationship of 1 year just ended 2 weeks ago and I mean.. damn it hurts, but it was for the best because me and her weren't compatible at all, but it looks like you guys are, so I think you really have something to hold on to and work with here, don't screw it up. :)

[N0help4u]

Work on getting over your insecurities it is YOU she chose to be her boyfriend.
Insecurity and jealousy can and will push her into seeing somebody else.
I don't find it hard to believe at all that she pushed someone away that tried to kiss her.
I do it ALL the time. She sounds like the type that knows what she wants and goes for what she wants. She doesn't sound like the type that is going after whatever comes along so be realistic with yourself what do you have to be insecure about.
Don't create 'what if' scenario's in your mind. You need to learn to look at things for what they are and not what you fear it might be. How are you going to feel if your insecurity drives her away and into somebody else's arms and then it becomes very clear to you that she really was the type that can be trusted more than any girl you ever knew?

[sweety]

It sound like you have a lot of issues with yourself. The last resort would be taking depression tablets, but I wouldn't recommend that as you'll mess your head up forever and you are young still. You need to learn to trust her, she respected you and maybe didn't want to cause an argument, that's why she maybe never told you. It doesn't mean she enjoyed it or does stuff behind your back and is a cheater.
You need to start trusting her otherwise you'll lose her and you wouldve wasted each others time over your paranoia.

[Romefalls19]

Ok, I have quite the understanding of what you are going through as I have been in this exact situation. Me and my ex were dating for 2 1/2 years and I still didn't trust her. There was no reason not to trust her but my own insecurities got the best of me. Long story short, I lost her because of my jealousy and possessiveness. As soon as I lost her I knew I needed to change, not for her, but for me.

I would definitely recommend therapy to try and find the underlying reason of your jealousy. They are a great outlet of your feelings. A trick my therapist told me was whenever I find myself getting jealous or upset at a situation with a girl I am dating to write it down on a piece of paper, wait 30 minutes and then come back and read what you wrote and see if it warrants your jealousy. This accomplishes two things, first thing, which happens the most, you realize you don't need to be jealous over it. Second thing, if you do think it warrants your suspicions you can then be cool headed and discuss the situation with your girlfriend.

There are also several books on jealousy and possessiveness, try searching Amazon. I am currently on my laptop, but the book is called "Overcoming jealousy and possessiveness" it's a great book. Check it out.

[willy2010]

I had exactly the same problem. My girfiend was almost naked with one guy and he was completely naked. Then there came a time when she had to go to germany for 2 months. Then my obsessive jealousy played real havoc with our relationship. I was in destructive mode. By the time she went she had planned to have an affair , sleep with someone and meet as many other men as possible. Her plans worked out. I had a vague plan of trying to meet someone else but I soon began to realise what I had done , dropped my half baked plan but I got totally depressed since fro her letters I knew something was going on. In our case there were underlying reasons. I was bipolar and this was causing my obsessive jealousy. She had been abandoned by her father for 3 months as a child and was generally ignored by her father in later years. This can lead in the worst cases to promiscuity in girls, but basically they cannot refuse men who demonstrate "affection" true of false what they want up to a limit. These girls may see the problem in their behaviour but try to laugh it off as not serious since their need is so great. So I suggest you find out if you have possibly some underlying coondition by visiting a doctor and ask your girldfiend about her father.