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Charity471 · Jan 9, 2009, 11:42 AM

I am a divorced parent have been on my own for quite a few years now. My ex left me and my 2 children then aged 7 and 11. I struggled to bring the children up did not get any or much help from the father. Anyway to cut a long story short I lost my son at the tender age of 21 it was a party that went horribly wrong my son ad some heroin turned out to be a bad batch 3 others died same weekend. My daughter was then aged 17 a very traumatic time for her she has never really accepted things, she was bullied a lot a school too, but however she did go to university much to my surprise and got her degree though she did struggle.
Since leaving university she has not done much work had very little confidence because of her past, she has had depression problems for quite a while. She did have a relationship with a fella and ended up living with him for a while, but he was a bad sort I knew from the beginning but you cannot say anything can you, you just hope and pray things will sort themselves out. He took drugs for years, so of course my daughter got involved which really did surpise me after what had happened to her brother. If she wasn't taking it she was inhaling it as he and his friends were always smoking cannabis. This relationship broke up and a year last November with all the past problems and this break up she had a nervous breakdown, I had her staying with me for nearly 3 months as she was in a state, took her to samaritans a few times she was absive to me a lot cried a lot did not smile much but by January she began to come round a bit, I helped her redocorate her flat to try and help her get back to her life as she had to try and move on at some stage. She wore me out both physically and mentally but it was what I tthought I had to do. She decided she wanted to try and go back home at the end of January and I thought she may even be OK she knew I was there for her if she needed me. Then at the beginning of February she just decided one day she did not want me in her life! She sent me an email which virtually blamed me for everything that has happened in her life, I was gutted but life has to go on. She is still out of my life has sent me 3 nasty emails I have now blocked her as canot take anymore, has told me not to contact her in any way shape or form, I was even accused of anonymous phone calls to her I never have. People say it is her illness after the nervous breakdown and also the affects of cannabis in her life for around 3 years but I just don't know anymore, I did send her a xmas card and a verse which I had written for her, not heard anything back. She did not even send her grandfather a card and he was so upset over the holidays he asks me what's going on I don't know wish I did. She has however this week sent him a present and a short note saying sorry but she has been very busy! A pathetic excuse it has made my father feel a little better he has even spoke to her on the phone, but I am totally ignored. I could say a lot more of things that have happened because of all this upset but I am at an utter loss how she can be so cruel after what has happened in the past losing her brother I have nobody now at all, I have friends who are just as gobsmacked as me but what can I do, I don't even know if I could talk to her if I saw her as she has said some awful things. I wish I could just fastforward sometime and be abe to get my life back at the moment I am a wreck.

Charity471 · Jan 15, 2009, 11:00 AM

It is Charity 471 here I see I had some people read my question but up to now nobody has replied, for whatever reason maybe I have done something wrong as regards the settings being new on here it is a case of if at first you don't succeed try try again! Maybe that's what I need to do at some later date.

artlady · Jan 15, 2009, 11:22 AM

I feel sorry for the pain you have endured.You have suffered what no parent should have to ,the loss of a child.
Now you are enduring this loss of communication with your daughter.
Is it at all possible that your daughter is trying to spare you by separating from you?
Perhaps in her delusion due to her mental state she believes she is sparing you further heartache?

There is always the sad possibility that she is involved with drugs,as many depressed people are inclined to self medicate.Perhaps she is worried about your response to her drug use ,if it exists at all.

This is all speculation but my advice would be to let it ride and see what happens Or you could sent her a letter and speak from the heart as you have spoken here and try to help her understand your feelings.

For your own self preservation you may want to look into free group therapy for bereaved parents or if you think it applies perhaps Narcotics anonymous,there are programs for family members.

I wish you the very best and continued strength!

Rolly_Pollie · Jan 15, 2009, 03:40 PM

I agree. Let it ride out.
But also, if it doesn't hurt you too bad, also show that you are still open, and available.

dontknownuthin · Jan 15, 2009, 04:05 PM

It's hard to know how to advise you because your children clearly were in a lot of pain growing up for one reason or another, and I would guess you have been, too. Both of your kids got involved with drugs, so were choosing the wrong people to be around. Your daughter chose a man who mistreated her as well. Perhaps there was abuse in your relationship, or some substance abuse in your family when the children were growing up (too much drinking? Drugs?) The way you describe your story, it sounds like it's been a rough ride financially and otherwise for a long time.

It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent if you have endured tough times or had some problems of your own that impacted your kids. But perhaps you need to take a more objective look at what your daughter is saying to you. She may be angry at you for things you suffered from too, or things that she thinks you should have shielded her from experience - and perhaps she is right. I don't know the exact circumstances. I just think she may need to know you hear her fully and understand her and accept whatever responsibility you might have for her pain - or for not protecting her from other people who hurt her. When she feels heard, she can hear you - where you were at, the experiences you have endured, the tools and resources you did or didn't have, what you didn't know then that you know now and so on. It's not easy.

It is entirely reasonable for you to let her know that you want to hear her and want to work on the relationship, and are ready to really be more objective about whatever you didn't do or did do that wasn't the right thing, but that you cannot begin to work through such serious things with a person who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol in their life. It's not just a matter of sobriety in the moment, but over the long term as it takes longer for the thinking to leave the body than it takes the substances to leave the body! And you have to be free of any substances, too if you happen to be a person who drinks at all, etc. - she needs to know it's a two-way street.

Bottom line though - you cannot reason with an addict or drunk, and you cannot build a relationship with anyone unless you are willing to handle your own bag of garbage and be fully honest about it... You are the mother so your responsibility in this is greater - just how the cookie crumbles.

Again, not a matter of judgement - this is just how I see progress as possible for you, and of course I don't know you or your lifestyle or pain or history or gifts or faith or anything more about you so have to go on just what you said and the impression it gives.

God bless... you will work it out if it's important, and clearly, it is.

Charity471 · Jan 19, 2009, 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

It's hard to know how to advise you because your children clearly were in a lot of pain growing up for one reason or another, and I would guess you have been, too. Both of your kids got involved with drugs, so were choosing the wrong people to be around. Your daughter chose a man who mistreated her as well. Perhaps there was abuse in your relationship, or some substance abuse in your family when the children were growing up (too much drinking? drugs?) The way you describe your story, it sounds like it's been a rough ride financially and otherwise for a long time.

It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad parent if you have endured tough times or had some problems of your own that impacted your kids. But perhaps you need to take a more objective look at what your daughter is saying to you. She may be angry at you for things you suffered from too, or things that she thinks you should have shielded her from experience - and perhaps she is right. I don't know the exact circumstances. I just think she may need to know you hear her fully and understand her and accept whatever responsibility you might have for her pain - or for not protecting her from other people who hurt her. When she feels heard, she can hear you - where you were at, the experiences you have endured, the tools and resources you did or didn't have, what you didn't know then that you know now and so on. It's not easy.

It is entirely reasonable for you to let her know that you want to hear her and want to work on the relationship, and are ready to really be more objective about whatever you didn't do or did do that wasn't the right thing, but that you cannot begin to work through such serious things with a person who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol in their life. It's not just a matter of sobriety in the moment, but over the long term as it takes longer for the thinking to leave the body than it takes the substances to leave the body! And you have to be free of any substances, too if you happen to be a person who drinks at all, etc. - she needs to know it's a two-way street.

Bottom line though - you cannot reason with an addict or drunk, and you cannot build a relationship with anyone unless you are willing to handle your own bag of garbage and be fully honest about it...You are the mother so your responsibility in this is greater - just how the cookie crumbles.

Again, not a matter of judgement - this is just how I see progress as possible for you, and of course I don't know you or your lifestyle or pain or history or gifts or faith or anything more about you so have to go on just what you said and the impression it gives.

God bless...you will work it out if it's important, and clearly, it is.

Thanks for this and note your comments, I would dearly love to be able to talk to her and find out what I have done wrong. I have received 3 nasty emails frrom her 1 last Jan blaming me for everything that has happened in her life. 2 because I sent her father a text, she told me not to involve others. 3 She forgot her grandfathers birthday in may and he was upset so I reminded her, fist of all she thanked me very much, then next day another saying that I have not to contact her in anyway shape or form, or even try to find out what she is doing, even accused me of anonimouse phone calls! That is the last time I heard from her that was June it was her birthday in July but I had to ignore this didn't I, I did send her a xmas card though. What hurts me the most is her ignoring her grandad she could ring him once in a while to see if he is OK. He is really upset about all this but there is nothing I can do I feel so helpless.

Charity471 · Jan 19, 2009, 11:06 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

I feel sorry for the pain you have endured.You have suffered what no parent should have to ,the loss of a child.
Now you are enduring this loss of communication with your daughter.
Is it at all possible that your daughter is trying to spare you by separating from you?
Perhaps in her delusion due to her mental state she believes she is sparing you further heartache?

There is always the sad possibility that she is involved with drugs,as many depressed people are inclined to self medicate.Perhaps she is worried about your response to her drug use ,if it exists at all.

This is all speculation but my advice would be to let it ride and see what happens Or you could sent her a letter and speak from the heart as you have spoken here and try to help her understand your feelings.

For your own self preservation you may want to look into free group therapy for bereaved parents or if you think it applies perhaps Narcotics anonymous,there are programs for family members.

I wish you the very best and continued strength!

Thank you for this it does help a little to know others care, Knowing the best step to take is an utter loss to me. She blames me for everything that has happened to her, even blames my parents for making me the way I am! Am not allowed to involve anyone else, if I did not have friends to support me I think I would have gone mad. She has made it completely clear she does not want any contact from me in any way shape or form, she informed me this last June in a nasty email. Her birthday was July so had to ignore it, but did find out from somebody that this really upset her! Can't do right for doing wrong, I did send her a xmas card she knows the door is always open but cannot see her walking through it! My father is really upset by all this and it is that what upsets me the most he is 89 why can't she contact him now and again ask if he OK, she is his only grandchild he did have 3. Life can be so unfair. I do have bereavement therapy which I think does help a little, but learning live a different life at my age is so hard.
Thanks again

GirlWSlingshot · Jan 28, 2009, 12:26 PM

Bear in mind this is coming from another 21 year old girl that has had issues with her own mum over the years. I ran away when I was 17 because I couldn't handle my mum anymore. Now we have sort of a shaky truce. I bite my tongue and she bites hers.

You might need to let go of her completely right now. If she contacts you, just say that you love her and will be here for her when she's ready to behave like a mature adult and be as respectful of you as you are of her.

I know it's difficult, but you might need to let her hit rock bottom. She's pushing you away for some reason, you might need to let her so she can sort through whatever it is she resents you for. If you force a relationship, you're only going to cause a larger rift and more pain for yourself. It will be like a grown up version of time out. She needs to learn that she can't bully you and might need to make it on her own for a while. In time you might be able to build a healthy relationship with her but it sounds like that's not an option currently.

I can tell that you love your daughter. But it sounds like she's going through a very selfish stage right now and is trying to find her independence. Your family has been through the ringer so it is not entirely surprising that there would be all of this hurt left over for both you and her. You're just dealing with it in different (and in her case unhealthy) ways.

Charity471 · Jan 29, 2009, 11:22 AM

You seem very worldly and really hope that things do work out for you in the years to come. My daughter is as you say pushing me away and how I wish I could know why. She caused a lot of upset with my father and aunt who both sent her cheques for xmas, she did not even send them a card. Was a month before my father heard from her a short note and a gift (guilt) that's all. My dad rang her to thank her the next day but he was in tears when he put the phone down so I have been told by my aunt, I don't know what she said to him. I am really worried for his health he is 89 years of age. Take care

GirlWSlingshot · Jan 29, 2009, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by Charity471

You seem very worldly and really hope that things do work out for you in the years to come. My daughter is as you say pushing me away and how I wish I could know why. She caused a lot of upset with my father and aunt who both sent her cheques for xmas, she did not even send them a card. Was a month before my father heard from her a short note and a gift (guilt) thats all. My dad rang her to thank her the next day but he was in tears when he put the phone down so I have been told by my aunt, I dont know what she said to him. I am really worried for his health he is 89 years of age. Take care

I'm so sorry about things with your dad in particular. One of my biggest pet peeves is lack of respect for one's elders. Even in the worst of things with my mom, I never spoke disrespectfully to her or treated my grandmother poorly. But that's me.

Your daughter sounds very immature and this seems to be an extreme case of rebellion. It's normal for children to attempt to assert themselves and push their elders away to a certain extent in an attempt to find themselves and their independence. But for some reason (perhaps the tragic past experiences) your daughter is not handling this developmental stage in an appropriate way. If I was in your shoes, I would just give my dad a hug, tell him that your daughter loves him but is behaving badly. Tell him that someday she'll come back and be a respectful granddaughter but in the meantime to pay her no mind. Remind him that he has you and that your daughter really does love him, she's just rebellious currently and wouldn't hurt him on purpose but is being very selfish. This may not be entirely true but I would say whatever is necessary to ease his mind and hurt feelings. He doesn't need that kind of pain.

Charity471 · Jan 30, 2009, 11:00 AM

Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot

I'm so sorry about things with your dad in particular. One of my biggest pet peeves is lack of respect for one's elders. Even in the worst of things with my mom, I never spoke disrespectfully to her or treated my grandmother poorly. But that's me.

Your daughter sounds very immature and this seems to be an extreme case of rebellion. It's normal for children to attempt to assert themselves and push their elders away to a certain extent in an attempt to find themselves and their independence. But for some reason (perhaps the tragic past experiences) your daughter is not handling this developmental stage in an appropriate way. If I was in your shoes, I would just give my dad a hug, tell him that your daughter loves him but is behaving badly. Tell him that someday she'll come back and be a respectful granddaughter but in the meantime to pay her no mind. Remind him that he has you and that your daughter really does love him, she's just rebellious currently and wouldn't hurt him on purpose but is being very selfish. This may not be entirely true but I would say whatever is necessary to ease his mind and hurt feelings. He doesn't need that kind of pain.

Thank you so much for your replies it does help having someone who understands and especially you being young although younger than my daughter she's 27 and yes very immature. She has never been out in the big wild world workwise I mean and I think that does make a difference. My father and I are very close and just hope and pray that by the time my daughter realises what she has done he will be still around to enjoy having a granddaughter once again. The upset she has caused him has hurt me far greater than what she has done to me - I'm her mother whatever she throws at me is part of the package of being a parent, but my father like you say does not deserve any of this at his age.

GirlWSlingshot · Jan 30, 2009, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by Charity471

Thank you so much for your replies it does help having someone who understands and especially you being young although younger than my daughter she's 27 and yes very immature. She has never been out in the big wild world workwise I mean and I think that does make a difference. My father and I are very close and just hope and pray that by the time my daughter realises what she has done he will be still around to enjoy having a granddaughter once again. The upset she has caused him has hurt me far greater than what she has done to me - I'm her mother whatever she throws at me is part of the package of being a parent, but my father like you say does not deserve any of this at his age.

Being in the big wild world workwise makes a big difference. I started my career (insurance) at 17 and have worked very hard to be where I am. So that makes a difference.

Are you an only child? Are there any other grandchildren? He is the one I feel dreadful for. I know this is hard on you, but I also know that since she's your daughter, there isn't much she can do to dampen your love for her. But your father is in his twilight years and shouldn't have to deal with a petulant over grown child. It's got to be frustrating that you can't fix that for either of them. I too hope that she'll grow up fast enough to fix things with him because he deserves it and she would most likely regret her behavior if she neglects him. However, you can't make her grow up and you can't make her behave maturely and respectfully toward him.

Just make sure you don't contribute to her immaturity by supporting her financially.

*Hugs to you and your dad*

Charity471 · Jan 31, 2009, 10:45 AM

Originally Posted by GirlWSlingshot

Being in the big wild world workwise makes a big difference. I started my career (insurance) at 17 and have worked very hard to be where I am. So that makes a difference.

Are you an only child? Are there any other grandchildren? He is the one I feel dreadful for. I know this is hard on you, but I also know that since she's your daughter, there isn't much she can do to dampen your love for her. But your father is in his twilight years and shouldn't have to deal with a petulant over grown child. It's got to be frustrating that you can't fix that for either of them. I too hope that she'll grow up fast enough to fix things with him because he deserves it and she would most likely regret her behavior if she neglects him. However, you can't make her grow up and you can't make her behave maturely and respectfully toward him.

Just make sure you don't contribute to her immaturity by supporting her financially.

*Hugs to you and your dad*

You are a love! No I am not an only child I have an older brother we are not particularly close but does not like all this what's gone off with my daughter, in fact all the family are upset. My daughter is the only grandchild left for my dad out of 3 my son who died as you know, (he was my dads favourite too) and a son of my brothers but whom he has disowned due to drug taking and in and out of prison, every time he contacted my dad it was just for money, but he has not been in my fathers life now for 10 years. My dad is such a lovely sweet gentle man I am not saying this because he is my dad but he is well respected by many people and I am proud of that. Life is just not fair.

Charity471 · Feb 12, 2009, 10:43 AM

[QUOTE=Charity471;1519381]You are a love! No I am not an only child I have an older brother we are not particularly close but does not like all this what's gone off with my daughter, in fact all the family are upset. My daughter is the only grandchild left for my dad out of 3 my son who died as you know, (he was my dads favourite too) and a son of my brothers but whom my brother disowned due to drug taking and in and out of prison, every time he contacted my dad it was just for money, but he has not been in my fathers life now for 10 years. My dad is such a lovely sweet gentle man I am not saying this because he is my dad but he is well respected by many people and I am proud of that. We have to cope with whatever is thrown at us eh. You take care and really hope things work out for you as you want. Thanks again for your concern.

GirlWSlingshot · Feb 12, 2009, 11:48 AM

Well, I am very sorry that your dad was so jipped on the grandchild front. That is such a shame. But at least he has a daughter that loves him so dearly. And you never know, with a little bit of time, your daughter might grow up and see how valuable her familial relationships are. Here's hoping...

Good luck...