[jmjoseph]

Joe, I think you and your girl should get your own reality show. I mean, it's entertaining to see this story unfold. I wish you could see how crazy this looks from down here.

I feel for you, but damn!

[Enigma1999]

Larken,

I'm sorry... what was the question again? Lol

You started this thread almost 2 months ago! Everyone has been giving you great advice.

I think it's time to decide is this really the person you want to be with?

Heck, you're not even married, and there is this many problems!

Do you know what I mean?

[JudyKayTee]

Is this girlfriend/fiance the same girlfriend/fiance who is a stripper? Does she work but it's off the books?

Every post fills in a little more info/background.

[JoeCanada76]

JudyKayTee agrees: You can't be abused and mistreated over and over again unless you put up with it.

This should be made into a quote.

[jmjoseph]

Larken, is she still holding out on the sex? From the infection? Has it really been since last JULY?

And is she a dancer? A retired dancer?

[talaniman]

Okay I'll bite, where does he say anything about a stripper?

[friend4u178]

Okay I'll bite, where does he say anything about a stripper?

Here Tal , different thread...


https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2329684

[Larken85]

Sorry its been so long sine I was on this thread. THat was bad of me. Um, yes she was a stripper back when she lived in Florida. She isn't holding out on sex anymore though its still not up to as much as I would like I can live with the amount we have.

Her and I got into a huge fight over that stupid kayak. It wasn't about the kayak at all really but that's what step me off. Really she wasn't fighting back either, she just took it. Finally I calmed down when she got really depressed about it and I felt that she finally heard me for the first time and now she is being very, agreeable.

When I got my check today she wouldn't ask for money but when I asked her about bills she said, You don't have to give me money. I did anyway as I knew she was hurting pretty badly. She made no fuss when I took out the rent for my mother either, which is something new.

I'm not saying she changed over the course of one night, but I told her we could either break up, or go see a therapist. She quickly decided she would go see a couple's therapist with me. She said, "You're worth everything to me. I will do anything to keep you." Got to say that made my heart sink, but I am not being soft about things. Our relationship needs help if it is to survive. That's all there is to it. And I told her I cannot stuff my issues down inside any more because I eventually blow up every time.

She respects that I will be telling her how I feel from now on and that's what we both got to do.

Thank you all for your responses, hard truths to hear, and just all around good advice. I will try one last time (I made sure she knew this was the last try) with a therapist and if we cannot figure out how to become more copastetic, then its time to call it quits.

She spent all of last night holding me tight to her body. Any time I even blinked for longer than usual she asked what was wrong. Seems like she is really finally starting to see the light and see that she cannot just run everything about me. I think she is finally realizing how much she needs me, not the other way around.

Last Tuesday (the night of our fight) I held out on sex myself. She wanted me to spend the night with her (which honestly I would have if I wasn't falling asleep standing up, but I said I can't tonight. She told me I'd get booty and I said not tonight, I'm too tired. And that's were that one led. Guess we'll know more in a few weeks.

[jmjoseph]

You're hooked.

What can I say other than... YOU ARE SCREWED.

We'll be seeing you here often.

Good luck.

[Larken85]

Probably right, but like I said, this is the last time. If the therapist doesn't work, it's a no go. I suggested it, that's what she said I'm worth everything for. I asked her if she thought it was worth it we could go to a therapist. If we don't learn how to communicate better and work through our issues, we won't last long.

She even agreed that we will either make it or break it this year. So yeah, that's what it is I guess. Sorry jmjoseph. I'm a broken record

[jmjoseph]

You are going to couples(marriage, basically) counseling BEFORE you get married. That's like someone having extensive repairs done on an automobile BEFORE they buy it, not knowing what the future holds for him, and not knowing how reliable the vehicle will be.

I know that women are NOT like cars, but I just think in analogies.

It's probably a Southern thing...

You need to work on yourself esteem.

You must think that you don't deserve better. Or you might think that you can't find anyone else.

You do whatever you want, it's your life. I must say that you a hard headed young man. Some would call it tenacity. I call it insanity. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

WHACK,WHACK,WHACK.

[Larken85]

Ouch, harsh but true. That is a good point. If we need to fix the relationship before we get married, then what about when we get married. It will be hell... crap

[JudyKayTee]

She spent all of last night holding me tight to her body. Any time I even blinked for longer than usual she asked what was wrong. Seems like she is really finally starting to see the light and see that she cannot just run everything about me. I think she is finally realizing how much she needs me, not the other way around.

Last Tuesday (the night of our fight) I held out on sex myself. She wanted me to spend the night with her (which honestly I would have if I wasn't fallin asleep standing up, but I said I can't tonight. She told me I'd get booty and i said not tonight, I'm too tired. And thats were that one led. guess we'll know more in a few weeks.

I think she sees her meal ticket walking out the door -

And as far as withholding sex from her - once you start playing mind games, it's over!

[Homegirl 50]

This lady is playing with you. See senses you are getting fed up so she is pacifying you.
You sound like a child begging for attention from an abusive parent and makes excuses for the abuse.

You need to get some counseling for yourself so you can gain the confidence to get out of this totally dysfunctional relationship.

[JoeCanada76]

24 pages, and 237 posts.

You know what a counselor will say to you. That he can not fix things up for you. You need to be able to start the changes in your life and once you start making changes and seeing progress it is you that is making changes and positive ones.

Now if for some reason counseling does not work it is not necessarily the counselors fault because the counsel-lee is the person that needs to in act in the changes and possible advice from the counselor if not then changes will not happen and you will stay stuck.

The counseling from all of us is not working. Honestly because your not willing to make any changes. Counseling works just like a relationship. Things are suppose to go two ways. The counselor gives advice or suggestions and listens but as well the counsel-lee needs to in act on what he or she thinks would be the best course of actions. Even if it is small changes in acted.

Counseling is not going to work for yourself if your not willing to take ideas and thoughts to heart and your not willing to make any kind of changes for yourself.

But in the end the only changes that can be made are by yourself. Not by the counselor.

[talaniman]

A third party is a good idea to guide you through the process of understanding, and learning to communicate. Only then can you identify, or take the steps to get the issues out, and go about resolution. This is hardly an over night fix by any means, just a good way to get focused on what's important, and what works for you both.

That's progress in my book, whether the relationship survives or not.

[ScottGem]

I think she sees her meal ticket walking out the door -

And as far as withholding sex from her - once you start playing mind games, it's over!

Seems to me this was over LONG AGO. Just someone doesn't seem to realize it.

[talaniman]

I cannot disagree, but some take longer than others to get through the process of making those life changing decisions, for themselves.

[JoeCanada76]

I cannot disagree, but some take longer than others to get thru the process of making those life changing decisions, for themselves.

The thing is there has been no process started. Like I said counseling will only work if there is a willing participant to make the change needed to improve on life. That is how most counselors work. Have experience in that area.

[Homegirl 50]

Well perhaps if he does counseling it will help. And I think he will do that when he is ready. It takes more than a few months to undo possibly a life time of an unhealthy mentality.
Everyone functions at a different pace.