[FilthyDFC]

All right (knuckle crack) If you're the sort of person that reads other peoples relationship problems... you probably are used to long, drawn-out, sobby, sad, walls of text. That being said, I'll try to keep this mildly entertaining.

Up till about... 72 hours ago I was dating a girl whom I was, and still am in love with. I have been in more than one serious relationship, I have had my heart broken a couple of times, I know the feelings and what to do... that really isn't the issue! In all seriousness, I don't really feel that bad, but as always, things are: Complicated.

So here's the deal, in short. We were dating for awhile, fell for each other retardedly fast, moved in together for about 2 months to save money (we were planning to move @ the time) and moved to a city, from a town. We arrive at our new apartment, everything is great, she gets the job she was after, and I'm snowboarding 4 days a week @ summit county in Colorado (huge mountains, huge snowboard parks) Everything is great.

Turning point number 1: I dislocate my shoulder very bad resulting in me not being able to snowboard anymore, in turn... I'm in a city, which is new to me... I'm a small town boy. Natually, I get depressed, and try to find outputs. Obviously, I make a bad choice and start playing online video games, which I used to do in High school, quite a bit. I reconnect with a lot of online friends, etc... but it takes up so much time! And of course, she can't understand I'm doing with all my time. She lets me know that this isn't something that she likes, and I cut back, and eventually just stop playing all together. The "current" love of my life more important to me than a digital world.

Things continue, but we both start to completely hate the city, we grow even more unhappy, not with each other, but just in general. The overhead of stress, puts an enormous strain on our relationship, and things continue south. I don't mean to rant, but continuing...

We have a slight falling out, basically we both need our space. Then out of the blue, seriously... out of f@#!$ nowhere, she wants to move to California. Since I don't have a solid job in the area, I make it my duty to pack my belongings and get out of there. We take the "Break" route, and I move back to where we met.

Immediately after arriving I feel refreshed. I get back into snowboarding for the last few weeks of the season, my shoulder feels better (PT what what $$$) I see a lot of old friends, start skateboarding again, basically it's like I never left.

At this time were barely talking, and she decides to come visit some friends, and me of course. We meet up for lunch, and again, it's like we never left. We laugh, we kiss, we get a hotel room etc...

So she leaves, about 2 weeks later, I make the trip up there to see her. POLAR OPPOSITE... no joke, it sucked, we fought, she cried, I got annoyed... I had no idea what the hell was happening! We went to the zoo... I went home, awesome.

So... heres current events:

I know she's unhappy with the situation, she doesn't want to live here, and she wants to go to California. I'm unhappy, I do want to live here, and I'm scared to even look at California.

We are both in love, we both care about each other... now, tell me if I'm being weird. Does it seem selfish to abandon a... moderately struggling, but completely loving and good relationship, to "assume a career" that I heard nothing but bad things about? I know she's unhappy, but we can't look for somewhere else with a beach and... whatever Cali has, oranges?

In a week, 1 week... she's going to look at California. Then she's moving back here for 3 months, to save money. This town is fairly small... ill put it this way, it has one main street, and 4 good bars. We will see each other, and we agreed to talk, be friendly, and supportive of each others needs. Umm.. I'm a 21 year old male... does it sound wrong to feel outright mad about the situation?

I completely want to salvage the relationship because I really enjoy her. There are like 4 other girls I know that I could probably go get with right now, not to be cocky, but this is a college town, it happens...

Here's what I've come up with:

A: She loves Cali and can't wait to gtfo.

B: She's not 100% on Cali and isn't really sure what she wants to do.

C: I never see her again.

If she loves Cali, do I just let her go, continue focusing on getting myself back to 100% alone? I understand that either way, that's probably the best choice, but being broken up for 2 weeks, not seeing them for almost 4 weeks, and then having her pushed back into my little "No more relationship sanctuary" doesn't sound fun, or easy. I'm scared that if I let her go, and get over it, if she comes back, which for some reason I see happening... I'll be doing something else... not literally.

Again, she's told me she loves me, and wants this to work, but she has to do this for herself, and since I don't want to go... I'm out of luck. Is it just a case of horrible relationship timing? What do you guys think? Play the field, or buy her flowers?


And thanks for wasting 5 minutes of your life to help out a total stranger, I know that a Thank You on a forum post is a bit belated, but it does mean a lot. Advice is amazing.

Wew!

[talaniman]

Two choices present themselves,
1) Wave goodbye and let her go and pursue your life.

2) Go with her and pursue your life.

Either choice is up to you. From what I see your in a comfort zone where you are. And see no need to take a risk, not even for her. She is looking to create a life she will enjoy, and is willing to take a risk, with or without you. Make a choice, as there are no wrong answers. Afraid of the big city are you?

[chuff]

Your in a tough spot but I just think you are too young to give your dreams up for a girl. It doesn't make sense now, but when you get into your 30's you'll wish you had focused more on your career and less on females in your 20's.

[FilthyDFC]

Well... I am a bit scared, not of the big city, but just because I don't want to lose my happiness again. There is nothing there for me and I don't understand why she thinks there is more there for her than where we were already living. She has a good resume under her belt, all she had to do was make a call and get her old job back here... I don't know, I guess I'll just see what happens in the next 3 months, if the spark is still there I might take a small trip to California to see what it's like...

And I'm not giving up my dreams, I'm just happy where I am you know?

[svatnsdal]

I'm a city girl that was stupid and moved to a small town... bad, very bad. It is a big move, so for you to go to a city... I think it would be like learning a whole new life! No offense.
I agree with chuff. You are young! Go with your dreams and your dreams only! Do what you want to do, not what she wants to do. You have many years ahead, and you two could always meet up years down the road and figure out what is best.

[chuff]

I'm a city girl that was stupid and moved to a small town... bad, very bad. It is a big move, so for you to go to a city... I think it would be like learning a whole new life! No offense.
I agree with chuff. You are young! Go with your dreams and your dreams only! Do what you want to do, not what she wants to do. You have many years ahead, and you two could always meet up years down the road and figure out what is best.

To add to what svatnsdal just said, and I know this is completely different but when I was 14 we moved from Minneapolis, Minnesota to Lansing, Michigan, which is like giving up a brand new Corvette for Chevette. Leaving a huge city even at 14 to go to the sucked so bad. I had no choice but that doesn't apply here. If she is used to a way of life, changing cities is one thing, changing a lifestyle is another.

[TrueFaith]

Yeah World of warcraft hurts man :)


Dude let her go and enjoy your life man. You sound like your are 2 very different people

[FilthyDFC]

That really made no since, but I know whatcha mean. I guess she bailed to Cali early, cause she text me today saying that she was leaving and she wanted to say hi. I told her to be safe, have a blast, and that I hope it's everything she's hoping for. Went to the bar, met some people, played some pool and I feel fine.

The only thing that's really bothering me is that, it's not a feeling of betrayal or heartbreak, it's just sheer sadness. Like an important part of my family has died, and there is a strong feeling of sadness underlying in my day to day function... I hate it.

She'll be here in a week, and I only hope I'm strong enough to know what to do by then...

I feel like I'm preparing for a big game or something, and I'm like 70% drunk right now, good fun right?

:/

Edit: Realization how much harder a breakup on good terms is, and...

Is this a classy case of if you love something let it go?.

[ISneezeFunny]

Dude, from a 22 year old... are you serious?

Just the thought of me ditching my entire life for someone else kind of bothers me... granted, I was madly in love with my ex, but if the choice came up: follow her or stick with my plans... sorry, plans come first.

I feel that you two are very different... she has a job/career... you're out snowboarding/skateboarding. Unless you're a professional snowboarder... then that's my bad. Perhaps she's wanting more from you?

[FilthyDFC]

Well... since this is the interenet and I'm 90% anonymous... I'm not pro but I do get free flow (clothing, gear) and I have a trust fund :/. I grew up middle class, I work hard, and I'm not spoiled, also, I manage my funds well.

That's the thing though man, right now I don't even know what my dreams are... I'm just enjoying the best years of my life... because I have the means to, and I know that.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Be honest.

Edit: I've only heard her complain about her career..?. am I missing something?

[ISneezeFunny]

There's nothing wrong with that at all, but what I'm saying is that you two seem like you guys are on different wavelengths.

I'm going to go ahead with the rest of the replies here on this thread... and say... to follow your own life.

[FilthyDFC]

Really, what else is there to do? I'm not killing myself over the situation or anything... I guess I'm just still shocked over the whole thing :(.

Thanks a lot for your input.

[als47]

The thing is if I was your girlfriend and we were serious to the point where you have talked about getting married and so on, I would at least think things over with myself. 1. If she's is totally in love with you and wants to be with you for the rest of her life then she needs to decide if leaving you is what is best for your guys' relationship. 2. Can you possibly do long distance? If she hasn't thought those things through then she just might be willing to give up everything that you guys have had for what she wants, and that's not thinking about you and her, its just "her." To be in a relationship it takes two people, meaning there has to be sacrafices made for each other. I understand where you are at this point in your life, I'm 20 and I am trying to figure out what's in store for me in the future. You are important and you need to live your life and explore unanswered questions. But in the end, (that is if you decide to end things) will you regret it? Maybe she is your "soul mate" (sorry don't know how you feel on that, but I like the word soul, and I like the word mate :-)) Could you have lost in the end anyway? Sure you will become successful and so on, but the question remains how do you feel not having her in your life... for the rest of your life? I know your young and prob aren't even close to thinking about marriage or maybe you are, but if this girl could possibly be the "one" then I wouldn't let her go.

[FilthyDFC]

I thought about it, but in reality I'd rather commit myself to something like a child than a marriage... but that's just me being realistic. She is a super nice, amazing girl, but the more I think about it, the classic age variant comes into play. It's not that were too young to do something serious like that, it's just that were too young to know what to do with ourselves... and if you can't decide what you want for yourself, you can't decide what you want for someone else, or the both of you. She'll be here soon and I'm scared :D.

[121006]

Let her go. I think this shows what your relationship will be like if you continue anything with her. Will you be willing to follow all her wishes, no matter how out of the blue and outrageous it is? You seem to want and know how to make things work, but her actions tell me that does not at all.

[chuff]

Als47 has the greatest avatar on this site.

Filthy, I think you hit on something, you are not sure what you want in life yet and she has a direction that she wants to take right now. It's not to say what your doing is wrong... it just doesn't follow what she is wanting at this time in her life. It sucks losing someone and when I was 22 I got dumped from a woman I was dating for 3 years. One of the things she told me was that we were in two different places in our lives. I didn't understand it then and I thought it was a cop out. I can tell you ten years later she was right, but I was so hurt and confused I didn't get it. It's only with age and the ability to look back with a clear head that I can see that now. She's in a different place in her life then you are. It's not a fault of you or even a negative. In that respect you have it better then most people who come here, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to correct. You just fell for someone who had other things going on in her life at this time.

[FilthyDFC]

Thanks everyone for the insight, I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Werd!

[als47]

Hey Chuff... what avatar mean?

[FilthyDFC]

Mayday... mayday...

[chuff]

Hey Chuff.... what avatar mean??

Your Avatar is your picture by your name.