Check out some similar questions!

bellababy60 · Mar 10, 2008, 02:31 PM

I was involved in an incident of sexual assault. It was a "friend" of mine who did this to me. I tried to talk to him about the incident and told him that he "raped" me and I can prove it if I wanted to pursue it. Even though a police report was filed, I elected not to pursue it because I cannot miss work over this incident. I take care and am financially responsible for my elderly parents. I asked the Detective just to simply notify the offender to leave me alone. It's apparent to me now, that he wants to "pursue" a slander lawsuit against me. I am thinking... before he does this and "victimizes" me AGAIN... and causes more EMOTIONAL DISTRESS IN MY LIFE - should I pursue the original charges against him before he can do more damage than he's already done.? I AM NEEDING ADVICE AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE..

N0help4u · Mar 10, 2008, 02:37 PM

What did the police say when they took the report?
Did you go get a rape kit done?
How long ago was this?
It may look 'suspicious' to the court if they know you changed your mind
You really shouldn't lose that much work over this and jobs are not suppose to be allowed to fire you if you have to take off for court.
I think you should maybe talk to the police that took the report and
Talk to a lawyer.

JudyKayTee · Mar 10, 2008, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by bellababy60

I was involved in an incident of sexual assault. It was a "friend" of mine who did this to me. I tried to talk to him about the incident and told him that he "raped" me and I can prove it if I wanted to pursue it. Even though a police report was filed, I elected not to pursue it b/c I cannot miss work over this incident. I take care and am financially responsible for my elderly parents. I asked the Detective just to simply notify the offender to leave me alone. It's apparant to me now, that he wants to "pursue" a slander lawsuit against me. I am thinking...before he does this and "victimizes" me AGAIN...and causes more EMOTIONAL DISTRESS IN MY LIFE - should I go ahead and pursue the original charges against him before he can do more damage than he's already done. ?? I AM NEEDING ADVICE AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE..

Could you explain how you know he wants to pursue a slander lawsuit against you? Filing a complaint with the Police is NOT slander and I wonder what he's alleging.

In my area once you file a Police Report and they investigate it you cannot decide whether to pursue the matter - you are simply a witness and the "State" is the Plaintiff. The Police decide where it goes next. Obviously that is not the case in your area.

Would I pursue this? You bet I would - I don't understand why you would let a rapist walk away with a "warning" and continue to have some contact with him (you seem to know what he is saying) unless there are some other circumstances here. Hopefully it is exactly as you explained it. I am a little uncomfortable with your language concerning "sexual assault" vs rape (in quotes). It's either rape or it isn't.

Again, hopefully this is not one of these episodes where someone is regretful the next day and suddenly it's rape. I've investigated a few of those and they can get very, very nasty and your sexual history is suddenly in play.

And yes, was a rape kit done? Did someone photograph bruising? Is all of that documented?

N0help4u · Mar 10, 2008, 03:09 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Could you explain how you know he wants to pursue a slander lawsuit against you? Filing a complaint with the Police is NOT slander and I wonder what he's alleging.

My guess is he is saying the slander is her accusing him of rape and he wants to play the victim that it is a lie.

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Again, hopefully this is not one of these episodes where someone is regretful the next day and suddenly it's rape. I've investigated a few of those and they can get very, very nasty and your sexual history is suddenly in play.

Exactly why I said
It may look 'suspicious' to the court if they know you changed your mind

Fr_Chuck · Mar 10, 2008, 05:11 PM

1. I don't understand, in all states I know of, it is not your choice not to take him to court, once you file the police report it is up to the DA to decide to take him to court. Often even if you don't want to

2. officers can not just "tell him to leave you alone" one that is not legal for him to do it, the officer has to inform you that you will need to file for a legal order of protection.

But assuming a lot of police made silly mistakes in doing their jobs and your DA is not following procedures, you need to go back to the DA and tell him you wish to proceed with the case.

Be prepared to explain in court why you at first did not want to press charges ( go to court) and don't expect a jury to believe not wanting to miss work. And expect the defense to say you are only doing this because of the threat of his law suit. Expect a very ugly trial.

But if you want to do anything go see the DA over the case.

JudyKayTee · Mar 11, 2008, 06:01 AM

If you read previous posts in other areas it is apparent that this is and has been a troubled relationship and all of the facts were not posted.

Frustrating for me when I'm honestly trying to help.

Doodlebug2008 · Mar 11, 2008, 11:30 AM

Is the guy who allegedly assaulted you the same guy who you dumped the other day for looking at teen porn?

bellababy60 · Mar 12, 2008, 09:17 AM

Doodlebug2008 Is the guy who allegedly assaulted you the same guy who you dumped the other day for looking at teen porn?
** No, the person who assaulted me was a long time "friend". I was in a vulnerable emotional state from my break up with my ex boyfriend and he took advantage of that. JudyKayTee If you read previous posts in other areas it is apparent that this is and has been a troubled relationship and all of the facts were not posted.
*** This was not from the result of a troubled relationship. Quote "It was a "friend" of mine who did this to me" as I initially stated. I never implied that it was my ex boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Could you explain how you know he wants to pursue a slander lawsuit against you? Filing a complaint with the Police is NOT slander and I wonder what he's alleging.

My guess is he is saying the slander is her accusing him of rape and he wants to play the victim that it is a lie.
****This is what I beleive to be true. He now wants to harrass me. I did not "accuse" him of anything that "didn't happen". I made a claim against him for something that he did to me. That is not a form of slander.

Again, hopefully this is not one of these episodes where someone is regretful the next day and suddenly it's rape. I've investigated a few of those and they can get very, very nasty and your sexual history is suddenly in play.
**** There was never consentual sex. He has been "after me" for a year and was hoping to "wear me down"....when I broke up with my boyfriend, he found a perfect opportunity to take advantage of the situation and was "pretending" to be sympathetic. Then, he raped me.

N0help4u · Mar 12, 2008, 09:21 AM

In his mind I am sure he is justifying his actions in many ways and truly believes in his mind that it is was a one thing lead to another and will probably even use statements like "She must of wanted it"
I just have a feeling this may be one of those cases that is hard to prove. It will most probably be a he says/she says thing.

JudyKayTee · Mar 12, 2008, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by bellababy60

Doodlebug2008 Is the guy who allegedly assaulted you the same guy who you dumped the other day for looking at teen porn?
** No, the person who assaulted me was a long time "friend". I was in a vulnerable emotional state from my break up with my ex boyfriend and he took advantage of that. JudyKayTee If you read previous posts in other areas it is apparent that this is and has been a troubled relationship and all of the facts were not posted.
*** This was not from the result of a troubled relationship. Quote "It was a "friend" of mine who did this to me" as I initially stated. I never implied that it was my ex boyfriend.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JudyKayTee
Could you explain how you know he wants to pursue a slander lawsuit against you? Filing a complaint with the Police is NOT slander and I wonder what he's alleging.

My guess is he is saying the slander is her accusing him of rape and he wants to play the victim that it is a lie.
****This is what I beleive to be true. He now wants to harrass me. I did not "accuse" him of anything that "didn't happen". I made a claim against him for something that he did to me. That is not a form of slander.

Again, hopefully this is not one of these episodes where someone is regretful the next day and suddenly it's rape. I've investigated a few of those and they can get very, very nasty and your sexual history is suddenly in play.
**** There was never consentual sex. He has been "after me" for a year and was hoping to "wear me down"....when I broke up with my boyfriend, he found a perfect opportunity to take advantage of the situation and was "pretending" to be sympathetic. Then, he raped me.

Would you address the actions of the Police? You are merely a witness, not the Plaintiff - the Plaintiff is the State so I don't understand the other part of your original post.

bellababy60 · Mar 12, 2008, 09:58 AM

Yes, there were statements made by him like "you know it's bound to happen..it might as well happen now..." and "you wanted it as much as I did" But the truth of the matter is, I have had on ONGOING friendship with him and I have always told him that I didn't "want to be with him that way..." That is why he pursued me for so long, trying to "wear me down"... The Detective said that this might be a "weak case" and the DA may not go forward with the case on the grounds that there might not be a "likelihood of conviction..." There was no need for a "rape kit" because I knew who the offender was and he left voice mail messages on my phone "implicating himself" in the matter. (by being with me) I had absolutely no MOTIVE to to make any FALSE allegations against him... nor, to RUIN A FRIENDSHIP for that matter. He knows that what he did was wrong and wants to INTIMIDATE ME into not pursuing the case against him by saying that he will counter-sue me with a "slander" lawsuit. I never made any derogatory statements to anyone regarding his character or the rape. BUT... HE went to one of his friends (and he had the nerve to relay this to me) and said to them "I finally got laid, and I didn't even have to pay for it!!" (They used to tell him to go out and pay for a prostitute to "get laid") If ANYONE IS GUILTY OF SLANDER or DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER, HE IS for revealing this information to his friends. The only reason I did not INITIALLY pursue the charges was for personal and financial reasons. I work with a law firm and one of my colleagues (who is a senior partner in this firm) helped me work through my decision to re-instate my initial claim against this person. Yes, the DA will determine the "likelihood of conviction" and proceed accordingly. Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I truly appreciate them.

N0help4u · Mar 12, 2008, 10:14 AM

Yep he is using the typical guy justifications that's for sure.
I had a feeling the state might not be pursuing it because it is a weak case.
When you are friends and you allow him in the same room alone with you it can end up in a
Tangled he says/she says some police and authorities tend to look at it like its on you.
An old boyfriend of mine AFTER I told him I no longer wanted him in my house and hadn't let him in in a couple months started breaking in my house and hiding behind the door. Neighbors called the police the first two times because he went out in the street and started acting up and they locked him up for the night for disorderly conduct. The third time he broke in, I managed to call the police and he was still in my house when they got there. I told them he was chasing me around the living room with a hammer and they said, "Well, you let him in." I said, "No I didn't and you know he broke in the last two times you took him in too and he was choking me half to death the second time! I haven't left him in my house in at least three months." They said, "Well you used to." and they refused to do anything.

N0help4u · Mar 12, 2008, 11:39 AM

Yes, I agree. I "let him in..." and he was a "friend" You don't expect and shouldn't accept this type of behavior from a "friend" so why should I err on the side of caution?

I agree you shouldn't have to worry about a bunch of what if scenerios.
Just the way the law seems set up any more.
Like if you get in a car with somebody that you believe it is their car OR you believe they had permission to drive it and you were lead to believe they had a drivers license and you don't think to check if the registration stickers and insurance are current.
Or he has something stolen or illegal in the car.
He gets pulled over technically you can be in trouble legally too.

The law doesn't seem to care so much about the situation or circumstances but what the law IS.

bellababy60 · Mar 12, 2008, 12:56 PM

The police took a statement of facts from me and presented it to a detective. The detective is going to submit it to the DA. The DA will determine whether there is a "likelihood of conviction" and the matter will either be prosecuted or denied. I have a strong feeling it will be denied based upon my allegations and the fact that nobody was there to "substantiate" my claim. However, that does not indicate innocence on his part. So, either way... we both will live with the consequences of his actions. He knows that he was wrong and although he won't admit it, I know that he was wrong and I am free of any future contact with him. And if he tries to sue me for slander because I "accused" him of a crime, I would like to see what kind of attorney would be fool enough to accept a matter such as that. Ridiculous!

Doodlebug2008 · Mar 12, 2008, 01:13 PM

I have investigated a number of rapes and serious sexual offences: it's a very difficult crime investigate and prosecute as generally speaking juries like only to convict in cases of 'stranger rape' where a hooded man has jumped out of bush and violated a young virgin on her way home from church... or some such.

That's not to say allegations of a domestic nature are any less serious, they are, as you assert just harder to prove. I would suggest though that the vast majority of rapes/sexual offences are uncorroborated - usually there are no eye witnesses to the crime.

Unless there's more to this than you've stated, I wouldn't spend any time worrying about a slander allegation from him. I can only think that there would be something to worry about if he was able to prove your allegation is false - which is of course as hard as proving that it happened (I am not casting doubt on the validity of your allegation)

I sincerely hope that it works out and you have better luck with the male of the species in future.

JudyKayTee · Mar 12, 2008, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by bellababy60

The police took a statement of facts from me and presented it to a detective. The detective is going to submit it to the DA. The DA will determine whether or not there is a "likelihood of conviction" and the matter will either be prosecuted or denied. I have a strong feeling it will be denied based upon my allegations and the fact that nobody was there to "substantiate" my claim. However, that does not indicate innocence on his part. So, either way....we both will live with the consequences of his actions. He knows that he was wrong and although he won't admit it, I know that he was wrong and I am free of any future contact with him. And if he tries to sue me for slander because I "accused" him of a crime, I would like to see what kind of attorney would be fool enough to accept a matter such as that. Ridiculous!

I think you said you work for a law firm - they should be able to put pressure on the DA's office.

Of course, after the rape I'd be screaming so loud that the neighbors would be there but I do realize sometimes shock takes over.

At times like this I'm glad I'm in NYS where the Police don't put up with any nonsense - I'm in a fairly small community and when I first got married the Police actually pulled my new husband over, hadn't recognized his (recognizable) vehicle and asked him what he was doing. He was on his way home from work. No messing around in our neighborhood.

And, of course, my dogs are over 100 pounds each and that's a big deterrent.

bellababy60 · Mar 12, 2008, 02:11 PM

Quote "Of course, after the rape I'd be screaming so loud that the neighbors would be there but I do realize sometimes shock takes over"
****This was NOT a forceable RAPE like most women experience. And, it was NOT consentual. It was a matter of circumstances that unfolded in my private space in my home when I was alone. Nobody is going to believe that a woman who allowed a "friend" into her home was "consequently raped" and didn't scream or hit the guy. My mother asked me "Why didn't you run out of the room...and call the police".. etc and I'm sure a lot of people wonder those same things. This guy was committing a CRIME but tried to "make it look" like it wasn't. It was AFTER THE FACT that I concluded it was rape because I did not agree to it and had was experiencing the traumatic effects of what happened. I called a rape crisis hotline and they told me that sometimes it's normal just to "go along with it" because it could become volitale and you could get hurt if you don't know how a person who is that overbearing is going to react. He could've beat me up or even killed me had I "rejected" him... People deal with things differently in some cases of rape. It's a psychological form of self-protection. If I KNEW that I was being "raped" by force, damn straight... I would've loaded my 22 and shot his head off. He MANIPULATED me and has a violent temper. I wasn't going to take any chances with a lunatic who was intent on "getting his way" with me. I have prayed for resolution and justice and I do believe that the Lord works in mysterious ways... If he is not punished for his crime on earth, he will answer for his sins when he dies. Which by the way... won't be very long. He's dying of throat cancer.

JudyKayTee · Mar 12, 2008, 03:17 PM

Originally Posted by bellababy60

Quote "Of course, after the rape I'd be screaming so loud that the neighbors would be there but I do realize sometimes shock takes over"
****This was NOT a forceable RAPE like most women experience. And, it was NOT consentual. It was a matter of circumstances that unfolded in my private space in my home when I was alone. Nobody is going to believe that a woman who allowed a "friend" into her home was "consequently raped" and didn't scream or hit the guy. My mother asked me "Why didn't you run out of the room...and call the police"..etc and I'm sure a lot of people wonder those same things. This guy was committing a CRIME but tried to "make it look" like it wasn't. It was AFTER THE FACT that I concluded it was rape because I did not agree to it and had was experiencing the traumatic effects of what happened. I called a rape crisis hotline and they told me that sometimes it's normal just to "go along with it" because it could become volitale and you could get hurt if you don't know how a person who is that overbearing is going to react. He could've beat me up or even killed me had I "rejected" him....People deal with things differently in some cases of rape. It's a psychological form of self-protection. If I KNEW that I was being "raped" by force, damn straight....I would've loaded my 22 and shot his head off. He MANIPULATED me and has a violent temper. I wasn't going to take any chances with a lunatic who was intent on "getting his way" with me. I have prayed for resolution and justice and I do believe that the Lord works in mysterious ways.....If he is not punished for his crime on earth, he will answer for his sins when he dies. Which by the way...won't be very long. He's dying of throat cancer.

I am sorry you went through this, sorry the Police are giving you a rough time, sorry you are having problems convincing people that it happened.

Playing Devil's Advocate: If I were the DA here my concerns would be: by definition of the word rape is a sexual assault - one person forced to have sex against his/her will by one individual upon another. If there is no force or threat of force there is no rape so I'm lost by your statement that this was not a forceable rape "like most women experience." There is no such thing as un-forceable rape; he was "committing a crime but tried to make it look like it wasn't" - convincing even you.

And I see the problem the Police had - you didn't know it was rape until it was over; you didn't know you were being raped by force; he either raped or manipulated you; you allowed a "lunatic" with a "violent temper" into your private space in your home when you were alone; it was a matter of circumstances. Very confusing scenario, at best.

Hopefully your faith that the perpetrator will be punished in the next life makes this easier for you; given the circumstances I think I would not pursue the rape charge - just because I wouldn't want to answer any more questions about it.

And I've been in your shoes in a date rape situation - although my incident involved bruising force - many, many years ago so I do know how difficult these situations can be. In my case after talking to the Police - who clearly thought I had led him on - I dropped the entire matter. In today's world that would never happen but it did then.

JudyKayTee · Mar 12, 2008, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by bellababy60

I was involved in an incident of sexual assault. It was a "friend" of mine who did this to me. I tried to talk to him about the incident and told him that he "raped" me and I can prove it if I wanted to pursue it. Even though a police report was filed, I elected not to pursue it b/c I cannot miss work over this incident. I take care and am financially responsible for my elderly parents. I asked the Detective just to simply notify the offender to leave me alone. It's apparant to me now, that he wants to "pursue" a slander lawsuit against me. I am thinking...before he does this and "victimizes" me AGAIN...and causes more EMOTIONAL DISTRESS IN MY LIFE - should I go ahead and pursue the original charges against him before he can do more damage than he's already done. ?? I AM NEEDING ADVICE AS SOON AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE..

My quick thought would be to get AIDS - and other sexually transmitted diseases - tested. You just can never be too sure you're okay.

bellababy60 · Mar 13, 2008, 08:14 AM

I do plan to have tests done for STD's, etc. A test for AIDS typically will not reveal itself for years after the assault. I doubt that he has AIDS> I know about his sexual history. Remember, this was a "friend"... we shared a lot of personal thoughts, etc. regarding our past sexual history. I'm not too concerned with any diseases from him, but I do plan to test for early detection that can be treated immediately if warranted.