[tiki49]

Hi, new to this forum , but looking for some healing. My mother was a "joan crawford--mommie Dearest type of women.---looking back , I know now she was borderline personality disorder mother. we were 4 kids growing up in the 50's and 60's --living in fear of upseting "mother". my father worked 6 days a week to put all of us threw college --he was such a sweet nice man--who did not know how to handle my mother. If I could be mad at my father--which I was--that he did not know what was going on at home. the mental abuse our mother was giving us. Every day she told us how worthless we were--we did not have alot of money--but we were good catholics--prayed to god--loved our neighbors--I am the 3rd child born--my father named me after my mother insisted on naming my brother and sister--i think my mother hated that. 2 years before my father died at 75 years old--he got me alone and asked me "what happened here that everyone is mad and mixed up?" . I could not tell him---I just said you dont want to know Dad. I knew he would not divorce mother and it would just come back to me somehow. Being very shy --didn't talk the first 2 years of schooling--by some shock of life I got elected to homecoming queen my junior year of high school. I--at 48 years old---go over that scene when I came home and my mother was washing dishes--I say "mom. I got homecoming queen! Can you believe that?" she turned slowly at me and said--"how could you get that?--no one at our church likes you karen! I burst out crying went to my room and never talked about it again. I feel I always hold that resentment what she said--even though I am not 17 years old anymore. Should I just let it go or get it off my chest?

[Choux]

If she has all her facilities, you can tell her if you make it short and forgive her from your heart. You have to be prepared to be upset by what she says back to you.

I think she is really too old.

[tiki49]

Thank you for your answer--i know in my heart its too late --she is too old--it wouldn't be bad but I am the only child still left in our home town and she calls me all the time--why don't you visit. I am all in forgivening people--what you hold just drags you down. Thanks again,Karen.

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to learn to forgive and move on in your life, perhaps counseling to help get over the pain you had from it, I really don't see how bringint the pain and hurt back up with your mother will really help at this point and age of her life.

[life1973happened]

Good evening...
I had to respond to this post as I know your pain all to well. I grew up in a home in which I had a mother much like yours. She responded in a negative way towards my sister and I. She felt girls were in the way and should be raised taking care of men. My sister and I were not allowed to go to prom, attend any party events, homecoming etc. We were not even allowed to get a drivers license as she felt we didn't need it. The Navy taught me how to drive and it was fine. However, growing up always in the shadow of your brothers and everybody else was very painful and hard. My mother felt she needed to keep us down, as she later shared with me.

This is what I can share with you about letting it go and moving on from it. Forgiveness is not about what you can do for others or what they can do for you. Forgiveness has to be sincere and from your heart and given without expecting anything in return. My mother realized as I had grown into a woman, got married and had children, all the while building a successful career. I had made it and I did it on my terms. You turned into the woman you are now, all with her trying to keep you down. There is a lot to be said about that.

I made my mother know how she made me feel and how I made it without her help and love only a mother can give her daughter. I made her know how tough it was but that I wasn't about to be stuck behind a stove catering to the men in my life. No thank you but I took it to the far left. Now I realize I let part of her win in the sense that I am hell bent on proving to everybody that I don't need anybody. That isn't right either, so learn from my mistakes. Learn that you have to let it go and do it on your terms.

Making her see the error of her ways will not make you feel any better, at least it didn't for me. Forgiving her however, does. You do that in the silence of your own home and it's something only you know. That is what brought me the peace I needed. My mother passed away and I can tell you that she did what she felt was best. She raised us as she was raised, right or wrong, she found it to be the best for her.

Now this is your time, your life and your decisions. Don't look to blame anybody for the decisions you now make. Take control of your life and know that as an adult you are in the drivers seat and you will go as far as you choose to go. Take to heart that you are not perfect, you will make mistakes, playing the blame game will not take away from the past and the pain that went with it.

You are searching for a peace that only you can give yourself. It's right there you just have to see that you control how the outcome will end up. This is your story to tell, the story of your life. I want mine to come out with my own little, 'happy ever after' I know you want that same thing, we all do don't we?

If you have children know that you can raise them any way you want. Enjoy the remaining time you have with your mother because you will miss that part when it's her time to go. She may not want or be prepared to tell you that she is sorry. If you need her to then ask her. Share with her the pain you went through and how you felt. Just be careful because we don't always get the answers we want to hear, or need to hear. Be prepared to live that pain all over again, if she does share things you would rather her not. I disagree that you should keep it to yourself. You are the only one who knows what you need. Trust your instinct as it's all that we have.

Then learn to let go that is all I hope you get from this response. The ability to let it go knowing you are not to blame. You didn't do anything wrong. I was raised in a very religious family and I am grateful to my parents for that. The love and faith I have towards God is because my parents taught me about it. That is a gift I will always cherish and hold close and dear to me. Try to remember the positive when it's all said and done and then let it go.

I'm sorry I rambled on but I had to share what was on my heart.

[tiki49]

I think I am still thinking about this --because I live a good life as a RN for 27 years--love my 2 children--who are now in college--love my husband of 25 years --and still get these "crazy"phone calls from my mother "why dont any of you ungrateful kids come visit me?"---my husband has promised me we will move --not too far--cause I did promise my father I would take care of mother. I always hope that she would say "god I was so mixed up raising you kids I'm sorry" --but it won't happen and I am so ready to move on--thanks for listening. Karen.

[simoneaugie]

Forgive her Karen. What you resent is always re-sent.

[Allheart]

Hi Karen,

Gosh, reading your post I was seriously wondering if you were one of my sisters. But when you said 1 of 4, I knew you weren't as I was 1 of 5.

Oh my, yes, Mommy Dearest. One of my sisters actually called my mom that in a room full of people. Not pleasant.

Karen, you have to do what is best for your heart. My advice would be, like the others, to be so proud of yourself that you survived it all and continue to be a good and loving person, to let it go, and feel for your Mom.

What I mean by that is, imagine, causing such terror in the lives of your children. Imagine, carrying that around and having to answer for that. I would much rather be the one to hurt, then to cause hurt.

It would pain me all over again, to lay at my Mother's feet all the hurt and pain she inflicted. I know my Mother is human and has made some very severe mistakes, but she also was handed painful experiences as a child.

I thank my Mom for many things and for those things that would make you chill to the bone, I do indeed forgive and pray that she forgives herself.

I do know of the shoes you walked in and to be quite honest, I am so proud of us, that we stand tall today :).

Try not and carry all of it with you and allow those past hurts to continue to cause you pain
Today.

The thing that makes me smile the most, is that I am an adult now, and so very glad that I drive the ship now. That is such a great feeling.

Oh I wish you all the best and may each day bring more healing to you.

[N0help4u]

I agree with the others you need to leave the past in the past.
If you pour out your heart and your hurts to her she could easily
Come back with a remark that can be as hurting or even more hurting than
Any she has said before. After all she will take you telling her how much she hurt you as a personal attack on her. Let it go. You are what you can't let go of.

[lacuran8626]

I think your mother was mentally ill and had no idea how to act differently. That doesn't make it OK, but perhaps you can find a way to accept that picture and be mad at the illness, and forgive her?

If you feel you will get some healing from talking to her, I would say talk to her. Perhaps it would give her some peace to have an opportunity to apologize. But be prepared that she may claim she never said anything bad, or otherwise will brush it under the rug, lie about it, deny it or in some other way not give you what you need, still.

Sometimes there's value in just writing a letter to the person, reading it to someone who understands the situation and loves you, and then just burn it. Do for yourself what she could not do. Look at those prom queen pictures and admire how you looked. Remember how you felt and tell yourself that it was a great honor. Replace things she said that were crazy with your knowledge of the reality.

Consider some counseling to work through the feelings, too. It's never too late.

I'm sorry for the pain you went through and hope you find some peace.

[airbagj]

Hi Karen and Everyone Else!

It's amazing to read your stories because it somehow always feels that you're the only one when you have things happen in your life.

I was one of two children the oldest and there was 10 years apart between my sister and I.

Bascially, I was a daddy's girl I idolized my father went everywhere with him did everything with him. My mother she was always so depressed and unsettled and nasty and jealous it seemed of our relationship. So she took it out on me every chance she got.

There was so many years of this that finally at 18 I left home broke mine and my father's heart.

I called home once after a month or too and asked if I could come home but my mum said no way.

This decsion she made set me on a very troubled path. I had to do many things I'm not so proud of to survive. Eventually after spending 3 years really in lots of issues and circumstances that I won't get into. I met a man and we had a daughter, I set out to put my life together.

I worked hard and eventually became very successful in Sales/Marketing my husband became ill with epilepsy and this put strain on my family and myself I ended up taking on the lead role in the finance department.

Oh! How many times I would have loved to have had a mother who cared that I could have gone too in times of trouble or weakness just to feel that kind of love that only a good mother can give.

I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter she just graduated from university and we are extremely close best friends.

Over the many years I managed to stay polite and bite my tongue as I got older with my mother my relationship with my father was never the same too many years I guess of just hurt and pain.

We did the token once in awhile Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner but it was always strained. What hurt the most is that my mother had a great/wonderful relationship with my sister so I always searched to try and figure out what I did that was terribly wrong to be treated so very differently.

My husband and daughter watched me year after year at many times in my life cry and feel hurt and pain from this they grew to really feel anger towards her and my father but I kept reminding them that it was my pain and that if I could embrace it then they should leave well enough alone. Just knowing that they couldn't understand it either and knowing that they where there to support me was enough why confront someone that obviously had made up their minds years ago that I was not worth the effort.

Two months ago my mother passed from celorsis of the liver it was sad to see her laying there at 72 all yellow and disoriented.

I saw her two weeks before she was finally in the hospital and put on the morphine she had this awful bitter look I know she only saw me because my sister asked her too.

It was sad. In the end standing by her bedside by myself I looked down at her and all I felt was so sorry for all the years we missed and all the love we could have shared.

She said different things to different people has she went in and out of her state laying there. The day that I saw her and she opened her eyes she looked really shocked and scared she wasn't making sense to really anyone when she was yelling out different things she yelled out to my sister "where is that man" we assumed she was talking about my father.

As I stood by her bedside just her and I she looked at me and said "it wasn't my fault"..

Who knows what she was trying to say or even if it meant anything... she was really panicked looking I guess knowing that you finals minutes are upon you can do that to people. I stroked her head, kissed her check and assured her everything would be OK... and that I loved her. I then got some water she was able to take some from a straw.. and I told her to just close her eyes and rest. She did seeming to feel peace and comfort.

I guess my message is this... we are given and dealt many things in our lives not all are easy or even fair really. It's how we walk in grace with them that makes us survive and be able to feel whole inside.

I many not have walked beside my mother for many years and maybe she never really even wanted me to begin with but in the end I was able to walk with grace.

May she rest in peace I love you mum!