[mcneill2181]

:mad: My brother is 24 years old and in a relationship for the past year... sorry he is "engaged" to the utmost horrible, nastiest, crude, deceitful, obnoxious, self centered(I could elaborate but I'll stop for the sake of running out of room) b*tch I have ever encountered!! Unfortunately we just found out that she is pregnant with supposedly "his" child!! I will give you an example of how horrible she really is!
Today my father (who supports both my brother and his fiancée, with a home and food etc.) was told that if we the family do not buy things for this soon to be child and her other child from a previous relationship that we are not allowed to see either of the children!! No one in our family likes her and it's not that we didn't give her a chance but she is just atrichous. We want to be happy for him because we love him and support him and his decisions but it is a very difficult situation. WE NEED HELP!! :mad: :(

p.s she has been engaged 4 times and had 8 pregnancies... :confused:

[Wondergirl]

Let's rethink this for your brother's sake -- what's to like about her?

[mcneill2181]

Truthfully, I really do wish that I could find something... she is not only this way to everyone in the family she is like this to him as well!! Everyone has tried at different points to get along with her put it is all most near impossible!! Over and over again she keeps telling my brother that she is going to go back to her family( meaning her ex fiancée and her daughter). I don't know what to do!!

[mcneill2181]

I want to be happy for him and I know that we have to deal with her and get along for the babies and my brothers sake but she just won't grow up and act like a mother or adult.

[litelegs]

Oh boy, there must be some good quality there for your brother to like her. If she sucked him in then he's hooked on a bad drug.

#1. Why is your father supporting them your brother and his fiancé is old enough to support themselves. This should not be allowed to continue if she is threatening you. So your family is to support four people? Ahhha NO NOT RIGHT AT ALL!!

#2. Is you brother aware of your position and the family's feelings?

#3. Never one to judge but 8 pregnancies 4 engagements.. hmmmm

#4. I know you love your brother but often people need to realize their mistakes for themselves.

Good luck.

[mcneill2181]

My father is actually in the process of attempting to move out... he is disabled and lives on a fixed income so he truthfully can't even afford it but he loves my brother and is trying to help. My brother is living with my dad too so that he can help him with daily things... but the only problem is, is that she came along and moved right in... she doesn't pay a cent or even offer to help with chores or money!! My brother is well aware of our feelings and opinions and basically doesn't care!! He's changed into her!! I don't want to judge either but her track record is quite extensive! I know he needs to make his own life and decisions but it is so hard to sit back and watch someone you love hurt and suffer!!

[Wondergirl]

Who is hurting and suffering?

[Fr_Chuck]

People often pick the worst people, but there is nothing you can do, to change their relastionship. So love your brother and be there when he figures out he was used.

[mcneill2181]

I know but it's just a lot harder then it seems!! But it's obvious that it is what I need to do... or what we all need to do!!
I can't make him realize... he'll have to on his own.
He believes that they should be married because she is pregnant so personally I believe that he is selling himself short in life!!

[N0help4u]

There is nothing you can do about your brother liking her. Hopefully someday he will open his eyes.
If she is living in your families house and saying that that is a lot of nerve cause they could throw that back in her face.
My neighbor is in the same situation sort of and I don't see why he keeps taking her back.
They have been together on and off for 7 years. She keeps coming back pregnant to another guy spends up the money and leaves again. Other than him loving HER three kids that aren't even his I have no idea why he takes her back.

[mcneill2181]

She does have a lot of nerve... she is one of those people who believes that the world owes her everything, and that we owe her everything for bringing a child into our lives. Don't get me wrong I am happy for my brother but I know he is making a huge mistake if he goes through with the wedding. I am afraid that my brother will alienate us from the child's life and I already love him/her and it is not even born. More importantly I am worried about my mother and father. They are both getting their first grandchild and this is suppose to be a joyous time for everyone but it is hard when the person is her!! I hope that he will eventually see her true nature and reassess the situation.
Another part of my dilemma is that she asked me to be her maid of honor at their wedding and that is a task I don't think I can do, but my brother says that it is important to him and I don't want to let him down but I really do not feel comfortable with it.

[N0help4u]

Your mom and dad need to make rules if she sees they are no longer supporting them then they might listen to the rules. I know you are suppose to love unconditionally but you aren't suppose to be a doormat either. Whoever controls the purse...

[lacuran8626]

Support and love your brother. Set your boundaries with her. Do not engage in arguments, just don't dance to her tune unless she's being appropriate to you. Love the children - it's not their fault. Let your father make his own decisions and your brother make his, mistakes or not. Then, when she does exacty what you expect (gets what she can from them and then moves on) continue to love his child, and the brother, and the father and let them live to forget her time in your lives.

In other words - you can't do a darn thing about who your brother dates except not add to the stew of discontent. You can privately tell him your concerns but not as a laundry list of hate - more in terms of what you want for him, and what you feel is happening to him in this relationship and how it is not in his best interests. He may think your family expects him to marry him and "do the honorable thing". Maybe he would benefit from knowing if you think it would be equally honoroable for him to do right by the child but not to marry an inappropriate match even if she is the child's mother.

What can happen if you take too hard a line though is that you end up being the one who gets rejected because you will be viewed as the one who is stirring the pot- which this other woman will love. If you are rational and reasoanble and supportive, your brother and father will eventually get a clue that she is really an annoyance.

[peggyhill]

What can happen if you take too hard a line though is that you end up being the one who gets rejected because you will be viewed as the one who is stirring the pot- which this other woman will love.

A very true point.

If you have already spoken to your brother and he is still marrying her, obviously he has made up his mind. I know it is hard when someone we love is with someone like that. One of my best friends is doing the same thing right now. I tried to talk to him about it too, and it went in one ear and out the other.

Unfortunately, you can't make him see the light. Sometimes we have to make mistakes and learn from them. Hang in there. Be there for your brother and the child. If (or most likely when) they do break up, be supportive and let your brother and nephew know you are there for them.

As far as the maid of honor thing goes, that is up to you. It's kind of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you're not supposed to be the maid of honor unless you agree with the people getting married. On the other hand, if you say 'no' you will have to explain why, and then your new sister-in-law will be really upset with you. So you have to pick your battles I guess is what I'm saying. That is entirely up to you, but know that she will most likely be mad at you if you say no.

I hope everything works out!

[mcneill2181]

[/QUOTE] What can happen if you take too hard a line though is that you end up being the one who gets rejected because you will be viewed as the one who is stirring the pot- which this other woman will love. [/QUOTE]

I definitely agree with this and it is a very good point and I think most of my family is worried about that as well so we all tend to back away from discussions about it. We all talk about it to each other because we have spoken with my brother and he is oblivious to it. So we need to vent... so we vent to one another. So for the sake of our relationship with him we keep our mouths shut! And for my family that is a very hard task!!

I know that it is what she wants, alienate us all from him.

I will always love my brother and be there for him regardless of the situation, but it hard to sit back and watch him in this destructive relationship. Trust me I do not want to dislike her. She just makes it very hard to like her. She showed me ultrasound photos today and told me that she wasn't going to let my mother see them as a punishment to the way that she reacted to the pregnancy news and it took everything in me not to tell her off right there. I fear that this child is going to be used as a pawn in her game of life and there is nothing that I nor my family can do about it. Children's aid has been involved in all her other pregnancies and that is also a big worry of mine and everyone else.

I don't feel that I should be her maid of honor but I don't want her to hate me for saying no(not like she already doesn't) because as peggyhill states "you're not supposed to be the maid of honor unless you agree with the people getting married." Which you can all see I strongly do not. I want to be at the wedding because it is my brother's wedding but I don't think I should be that person.

Thanks for the advice!

[litelegs]

This was a topic of conversation among my girlfriends and we all came to the conclusion that as bad as it may be, your brother needs to find his own way. It's rather sad to see what is unfolding as an outsider looking in. And your good intentions of saving him from a bad mistake could in turn come back to bite you in the (forgive me) toosh. I personally would lock my brother in a room smack some sense into him and they tell him to grow some you know what and realize that she will drag him down a road of misery. That would be my irrational side. The rational side would hope that he quickly comes to his senses after he's heard our views on the matter. I hope he comes to that realization soon. God bless

[twinkiedooter]

As soon as the kid is born demand that the brother have a DNA test to prove he's the father for one thing as this person seems to have a habit of doing everyone on the block twice.

As far as her bossing everyone around now, just wait until they get married. I know you love your brother but you do not have to love his wife (or fiancee) for that matter.

Her continually saying she is going to leave is just an emotional hook that she uses for the brother to bite on. I've seen it done over and over again and the person who takes the bait is so smitten they don't want the nasty person to leave and they will do essentially anything to keep them in their bed.

You need to distance yourself from both the brother and this controlling person. She is a people manipulator who has had plenty of practice doing this to men and has been quite successful at it from what you have said about her.

Your parents will just have to get over the fact that their first grandchild is to a woman who is a jerk. If they don't get to see the child very often, then the mother will control them any way she wants to just so they can get to see the child. Right now it sounds like no one is thinking rationally about this situation. What has being pregnant have to do with anything right now? This woman is a manipulating, controlling, devious person and you need to talk turkey with your folks about the fact they are blinded by the pregnancy.

Why does your brother live there rent free? Doesn't he have a job? What about mom? Does she have a job also. Dad is disabled. You said brother takes care of him in daytime. What does the manipulator do all day? Eat and get fat?

If someone is THAT demanding about baby things and the kid's not even here, then watch out... she will do worse than get worse as time goes on. She will be a tyrant in short order.

Maybe she should leave and go back to her former ex-fiancee. She sounds more and more like someone with a bipolar disorder. Just wait until she starts trashing the house because she does not get her way. Her temper trantrums are going to get really out of control in a big hurry the more you and your folks don't cave in to her demands.