[juliepann]

My son is seventeen and wanted to date this girl who smokes pot. I thought it would be too much of an influence on him so I forbid him. He snuck out in the middle of the night (with my van) to go and see her anyway. The cops stopped him for driving erractically (he only has his learners permit). He has told me that if I don't let him see her... he will find a way to see her. What should I do? Or is there anything I can do? Im new at this parenting teen stuff and Im lost. Please offer any advice.Should he be able to choose whom he dates at this age?

[shygrneyzs]

He shows irresponsibility by not respecting what you said, by driving with only a learner's permit, by taking your van, and putting himself at risk, as well as your vehicle. Why would you want to allow him to date when he cannot even see that his actions were irresponsible. Then he threatens you by saying he will sneak out and see this girl. Now that is really grown up, isn't it?

I would not allow him to see this girl outside your home. She can come over - when you are present - and then leave at a reasonable time - while you are still awake. They can study, watch TV, talk, etc. but no going out. He has to gain your trust and that is something he does not have right now. If he would go out and drive - who is going to the licensed driver in the vehicle? The girl should have gotten into trouble with her parents for sneaking out also. She shows she cannot be trusted either. When you feel that the two can be trusted, then say they can go for a movie or out to eat or be with friends but adhere to a curfew. Stick to it, with him knowing you will enforce and come looking for him if he violates it. I know 17 is almost adult, but it is also not yet adult. Teens that age group know a little - but enough to get into enormous trouble without realizing consequences.

You can talk to the juvenile officer of your police department and ask for tips on how to handle this. I am sure they have seen everything and can give you some solid advice on how to handle situations when your son is disobedient like he was - it is breaking the law to drive with just the permit. What would have happened if this girl was smoking pot in the van?

You want to be strict but fair. With remembering that allowances such as extended privileges come with responsibility. Your son needs to understand that. Hopefully he will start to learn.

[GlindaofOz]

One constant in life the minute you forbid a teenager from something they will do it anyway and it will make them want to do it more.

I would try to talk to him and tell him that you understand that he likes her and that you cannot tell him who he can and cannot spend time with however you are concerned about the girls drug use. I would then reiterate to him your feelings about drug use and tell him you can't be with him every minute of every day and you hope that he makes the right choices for himself and his future.

Good luck - teenagers are a hard bunch.

[proudmommyoftwingirls]

My son is seventeen and wanted to date this girl who smokes pot. I thought it would be too much of an influence on him so i forbid him. He snuck out in the middle of the night (with my van) to go and see her anyway. The cops stopped him for driving erractically (he only has his learners permit). He has told me that if i dont let him see her...he will find a way to see her. What should I do? Or is there anything I can do? Im new at this parenting teen stuff and Im lost. Please offer any advice.Should he be able to choose whom he dates at this age?

My mom always told us as long as we live in her house we will abide by her rules and respect them so that applied for everyone when my brothers were teens if they had girls over they always had to keep their door open and were always spied on and my parents always had to be home so Im sure they didn't like the rules but they abided pretty well

[ScottGem]

In the play The Fantastiks the simple plot is about two fathers who try to get their two children to fall in love. The explain how to do this in the song Just Say No. It starts something like this:

Why did the kids put beans in their ears
No one can hear with beans in their ears
After awhile the reason appears
They did it cause we said No!

The idea is simply using reverse psychology.

Sure you can tell your son that asl long as he lives under your roof he follows your rules. And he has shown a lack of responsibility but driving illegally and sneaking out.

But as long as you forbid him to see her, he will look on her as forbidden fruit and want to see her even more. Shy's idea of allowing him to see her, but only under supervision is a good one.

But you need to be careful here. At 17 your son is almost at an age where he can proclaim his independence. If you put your doot down to hard, he may step on it on the way out.

[SoonToBeMumOf5]

Its true that he should respect your wishes but he probily sees it as once he's 18 he's going date whoever he likes. Meaning when he's 18 he may just do everything you don't want him do just to annoy you. Do you know if he's taking the pot or not with her? I mean if he isn't he's oviously respecting your wished not to do that he just likes the girl so lay off for a while just see how it goes and he may respect you more because your respecting him and he'll be able to see that.

[HaRLoS]

My boyfriend smokes pot, and I don't.. my mom doesn't mind.. you just need to trust your sons decision making, do you feel you raised him right? Give the girl a chance, you cannot just cut out an obvious important part of his life from one little flaw. Have you met this gir? All of my friends smoke pot, I still don't.. he is 17 you said, he will be around that a lot no matter who he is with, so if you trust your son and feel you raised him correctly than you should have nothing to worry about:) hope I helped!

[Wondergirl]

Maybe if you handle this right, as shy indicated above, you can be a positive influence on the girl as well as on your son.

[s_cianci]

I would certainly discourage him from dating this girl. Maybe try making him see the long run (even though it's hard for teenagers to do that.) Get him to think about what kind of a wife and mother would a pothead bimbo make? How motivated is she going to be to fulfill him sexually when she's fighting a craving for more drugs? How about when she starts prostituting herself to support her drug habit? It seems like right now your son is just so bent on having a girlfriend that he'll settle for literally anything. As a mother raising a son you are in a unique position to warn him about all of the shortcomings that women have and to give him guidance in selecting girls to date. After all, who knows teenage girls better then one who's been there and has the best interests of her own son at heart? Frankly I wish my own mother had done more of that sort of thing with me. In my case, my mother tended to protect the girls I was dating (or considering dating) by making up excuses for them or putting the guilt trip on me, making me out to be the bad guy (usually by implying that I wasn't being attentive enough.) Well intentioned, perhaps, but not a good tactic, as is easily evidenced by checking out the Relationships section of this forum. Whatever issues you may have had in your own teenage dating experience have to now be laid aside ; you have a son to raise. Give him all of the benefit of your knowledge and experience. I am raising two young daughters and believe me, when they get to be teenagers I intend to give them all of the "down and dirty" concerning teenage boys. After all, I know all about "nice guys" ; I used to be one.