[alsmiley]

Hi, I'm 26 (almost 27) years old. I have been with my boyfriend/ fiancé (who knows) for 6 years. He has introduced me to his family and includes me in all family events. He calls me first thing in the morning, a few times during the day and also at night just before bed, he never says much though.

We have had a long distance relationship for 2 years now. 6 months after we started dating he had told me that he only wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Since then he has told me many times that he would move in with me (which would have made things easier financially- I had moved interstate for him). Each time he would find another excuse as to why he could not move in as he had initially promised.

As we had planned on moving in together, I had not renewed my lease and was forced at the last minute to move back home. He then assured me that he would follow soon after and we would live together in my home state. He also broke this promise using his acceptance into a National Sporting team as an excuse. He'd been using this excuese for everything. I guess to smooth things over there was a semi-proposal, no ring, then it wa taken back. Then again a proposal and nothing. Then he set a date, I asked him if it was for certain this time and he assurred me it was, he chose the reception and other details, he also flew me down to his state so we could plan things together. Now he is using the excuse that there is no money to have this wedding (that he wanted- I'm happy with a registry but he would not hear of it). He said that although he is working full time and now receives an allowance from his sporting body he is still unable to keep up with bills realated to his sport. He is now 29 years old, he has changed our wedding date to March of next year and I'm just not prepared to extend things out again. I told him if he really wanted his dream wedding I would pay for it, I had been saving all along.

He says that this time it is for sure, he has threatened to kill himself if I leave him. Should I wait to see what happens or should I just move on. I'm so scared of moving on because when we met I was a model, now I have saggy everything and I have put on 20kgs (he's a really good cook).

Another thing is I had told him all along there would be no sex till we were married, so that is 6 years of no sex (although he does make advances now and then)!!

Is he gay or am I really that hidious- I am so confused. Please help. I guess I have two questions, is he gay and how can I tell if he's gay.

Should I just call the whole relationship off, do you think he will ever marry me.

I'm beginning to feel like I've wasted my 20's on this guy. I just want to kill myself.

[Haplo]

First, you're not hideous. Second, I doubt he's gay.

It sounds to me like it's scared of commitment. One big warning sign, however, is the threat to kill himself if you leave. That's an extreme method of control and speaks volumes about the health of the relationship and about his own emotional and mental stability.

He is seeking to control you and through you the pace and direction of the relationship. While I will not advise you either way on whether you should stay or go, you should evaluate the relationship for yourself and decide if you're getting what YOU need it from it.

He's not committing to you (making false commitments) and he obviously doesn't prioritize his time, activities or finances with you and your relationship in mind.

If you are interested in saving this relationship, you must start to set some boundaries and start enforcing them. To do that, you have to start communicating with him clearly about what your NEEDS and WANTS are. Don't threaten to leave if they're not met; the point of the communication is not to create strife but to lay out what the expectations are. Then you two can choose how to handle them. I would also advise seeking couples therapy, if that is something you're both open to.

If, in time, you feel that nothing has changed and that it will not change, then you need to figure out if this is how you want your life to be.

I would also consider talking to a therapist for yourself for your own self-esteem issues. While you didn't say it, I would bet that you're feeling some feelings of depression and loneliness over this.