[snapdragon]

Any thoughts on separation before full break up?

[Wondergirl]

Any thoughts on separation before full break up?

How will he react?

[Alty]

If you plan to get counseling and try to save the relationship then I'd do a separation until you're 100% sure that it either can't be fixed, or it can.

If you know that this isn't fixable, that nothing you can say or do will make this situation tolerable, then why prolong the inevitable, just go for the full break up.

This really depends on where you see this all going. Right now I think you still have some hope that this can be fixed, despite 13 years of evidence to the contrary. But that's easy for us to say, we haven't lived the 13 years of this relationship. You have. There does come a time where advice is just that, it's not written in stone.

Remember that we give advice based on what you write, what you tell us. There's no way for you to paint a vivid enough picture of the last 13 years for us to be able to tell you exactly what you need to do. We can offer insight, we can offer suggestions, but ultimately it's you that has to figure out what path you're going to take next.

Also remember that we're only getting your side of things. He has been silent in all of this, and I'm sure his side of the story would differ from yours, it always does. Above all, if you care at all about salvaging this relationship, you need to talk to him, tell him how you're feeling, tell him that you're not happy, tell him what you plan to do about it, and listen to his suggestions to fix things as well. But do have a plan in place. For instance, if counseling is a must have for you, and he says no, then be prepared to end it. If his getting a job and helping out is a must have, set a time limit for him to accomplish that, and if he doesn't meet the deadline you have to be prepared to walk away.

You have to make plans, you have to set limits, and ultimately you need to take control of your life.

[snapdragon]

Umm, I feel like he would rather try that than give up right away. I work at a retirement home. All these people have been married for decades and makes me feel like there is so much more I can do before ending it. I'm about to get off work and go home to talk with my boyfriend, and I just wanted to know if it's a smart thing to suggest, and how it could help or make a situation worse.

[Wondergirl]

Umm, I feel like he would rather try that than give up right away. I work at a retirement home. All these people have been married for decades and makes me feel like there is so much more I can do before ending it. I'm about to get off work and go home to talk with my boyfriend, and I just wanted to know if it's a smart thing to suggest, and how it could help or make a situation worse.

As I had said earlier, YOU go alone, if he won't go with. And, yes, I'd tell him that I'm doing the counseling even without him, to get my head on straight.

[snapdragon]

Thank you alty. As unhappy as I am, I know he is too. We've both made this relationship what it is and that's why I want to try a little harder. I have a few hard limits in place that am prepared to walk for.

[Alty]

Thank you alty. As unhappy as I am, I know he is too. We've both made this relationship what it is and that's why I want to try a little harder. I have a few hard limits in place that am prepared to walk for.

I think that's a good decision.

You've put 13 years into this relationship, no reason to give it up without a fight. But you do have to set boundaries, make a list of what you can continue to accept, what you want to fix, and what's a deal breaker, and then stick to that list, and don't be afraid to walk away if you can't be happy with what he's able to and willing to give you.