[snapdragon]

I came on this site years ago, when I was having trouble with my friend's death, and here I am again. I have no friends to talk to because I feel like a burden to everyone. You all have been so helpful. I'm still soooo confused, but it's been so nice to hear opinions and criticism and to get some of this off my chest!

[Wondergirl]

Thanks for the feedback. We'll "adopt" you and be your soundingboard. And we'll want regular reports. :)

Do you have any siblings or living parents to lean on?

[snapdragon]

Yeah. I have a great family, but I don't know how to tell them that I'm thinking about leaving part of what has become our family. My little brother is my best friend, has been since my friend died, and if I can muster the strength to go through with this, I'll be welcome to crash with him.

[Wondergirl]

Do they know this man and all his problems?

[snapdragon]

It's so hard to think that maybe there's nothing that can fix us. This isn't just a need to jump start our romance. It's so hard to swallow. He's going to apologize, he's going to make me feel like this is all so petty, and fixable, and I'll believe him. I just need to be strong and selfish for a change maybe.

[Wondergirl]

Would he go with you for couples counseling? There are inexpensive ways to get good counseling.

[snapdragon]

Do they know this man and all his problems?

Not really. I'm pretty private and proud. I thought if there was a way to fix it, there was no need for them to know I was unhappy. My boyfriend would always tell me he thought I wasn't my real self around them. I was overly excited and happy, covering my usual quiet, negative, sad self. I think maybe I'm just like that around him, and happy me is real me. Wow. Quite the revelation. That felt nice to get out.

Would he go with you for couples counseling? There are inexpensive ways to get good counseling.

He had family counseling as a kid and thinks they don't help. I've wanted to go for myself, but I can't find affordable enough options. No health insurance, and lowish income.

[Wondergirl]

I'm a psychotherapist and know that there are counselors who will take clients on a sliding scale based on income. Your county social services/human resources department can give you names to check out. Your public library reference desk will have a list. Catholic Charities and Lutheran Social Services offer low-cost counseling. Maybe you should go to a counselor and get the ball rolling.

[snapdragon]

I think that's a great idea. Thank you for the information! I'll check it all out.

[Wondergirl]

I think that's a great idea. Thank you for the information! I'll check it all out.

And I'll be waiting for an update. :D

[snapdragon]

Again, thank you everyone for your help. I'll keep you updated as I progress.

[J_9]

He is robbing you of your happiness. Believe it or not, this is an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. He is responsible for nothing while you are responsible for everything.

[snapdragon]

He is robbing you of your happiness. Believe it or not, this is an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. He is responsible for nothing while you are responsible for everything.

I'm so confused by how it got to this point. How I Feel like I can still make excuses For him. How it all feels like I'm falling apart when I'm at work or he's not around, and the second I see him I think I can't let him go. I tell myself as long as he isn't hitting me, things are good.

[snapdragon]

I used to think I was lucky to find the love of my life so early. Now I see that I may have been holding on to our image of happiness that I put on like it was a play.

[talaniman]

Its not all him, nor will I call this an abusive relationship. Its very easy to blame a partner for our not being happy, especially if its been for many years. At some point you have to realize your own part and take responsibility for your own happiness.

Is it his fault you have gone along with his program for 13 years? If you spent as much time and energy making changes for yourself as you have languishing in your unhappy limbo, you would already be happy and not just having false hope and no action.

Simple truth is you have allowed his behavior for a long time and made no demand, and he has no consequences. Even you have to admit you have run out of excuses. Nice fantasy though but time to wake up and take responsibility.

[snapdragon]

I agree. It's difficult for me to admit to myself that I allowed myself to be tested like this for so long. I have just as many faults, but I think at this point I realize that I want to be a better person, and in order to do that, that might mean I can't be with him. I don't think we bring out the best in each other. I'm aware of the cycle of him making me unhappy makes him unhappy. And that my being unhappy makes it hard for me to motivate him, instead I appear negative and keep him unhappy with me. I may not be able to see all my faults, but I know I'm not innocent in all of this.

[talaniman]

You seem to be in the middle of a very honest self evaluation, and I applaud you for that, and hope at some point you share that honesty with your partner of 13 years. It may not change him, but will inform him and that's the bottomline as you struggle with your decision, and follow through ACTION.

Let him struggle with his own decisions and actions, but make ure he has the FACTS of your feelings.

[snapdragon]

That's what I'm hoping to do. I have a hard time communicating with him sometimes. We don't have a similar communication style and I get tongue tied when I get nervous and never seem to make any sense of my thoughts. I'm non confrontational and always end up crying when I feel defensive, which is usually how I feel when I'm trying to tell him my feelings.

[Wondergirl]

That's what I'm hoping to do. I have a hard time communicating with him sometimes. We don't have a similar communication style and I get tongue tied when I get nervous and never seem to make any sense of my thoughts. I'm non confrontational and always end up crying when I feel defensive, which is usually how I feel when I'm trying to tell him my feelings.

That's why it would be a good move to meet with a counselor a few times. You can do some role playing and work out the conversation you would have with your boyfriend. That will help you feel much more confident and strong.

[snapdragon]

Oh. That's smart. I'll try to make an appointment this week. I just want to know I've done all I can do before ending it.