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snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 05:46 PM

I've been with my boyfriend for 13 years. He took good care of me for years through my ups and downs (weight and emotions) after I lost a loved one. About three years ago I felt a strong guilt that I had put him through such emotional rigor, that he now spited me. I also felt that I was not in control of myself, my actions and decisions. I moved out for a week, and broke up with him. A week later he asked to talk to me, reading a list of things that he knew had been bothering me and was prepared to change, he needed me back. I caved. I love him. I was happy knowing that I had been capable of making such a big decision on my own, and hearing him say how much he cared for me. I lost weight, and I was taking care of myself, we were happy. Now I feel even worse. He plays video games all day. In 13 years, he's only spent half that time employed off and on. I Feel he takes advantage of me. I don't care much that he doesn't want to get married, but I care that he drinks so much. I know he doesn't want kids and I explain to him that as I get older I will spite him for it he says OK. So after all of this I guess what I'm saying is why is it so scary for me to think of breaking up with him now? I've done it before. Why do I feel like I owe him something? Why do I feel like him needing me is enough for me to stay? Our life is so comfortable and repetitive, after this long I don't know if it's a normal comfortable. And I don't like the feeling of giving up, I've lost perspective on if where we are is bad, or fixable, or just normal. Any advice or criticism is welcome

Wondergirl · Dec 13, 2014, 06:01 PM

Wow! He has stumbled onto a great deal! He doesn't have to go to work, can drink a lot, plays video games all day, and doesn't want marriage or kids. Does he get sex anytime he wants it? What about food? A backrub? Clean clothes? Yes, he definitely needs you to take care of him. Meanwhile, he does whatever he feels like doing. But who's taking care of YOU?

Homegirl 50 · Dec 13, 2014, 06:03 PM

You are in a comfortable but miserable rut. It's time to get out of it and let him take care of himself.

joypulv · Dec 13, 2014, 06:12 PM

You have the luxury of planning to get out. Do it, with real solid steps that you keep to yourself. A place to go, a way to get your stuff out, and a life to go to, not just a way to hide from him. You can keep in touch if you feel that you are strong enough to not go back. If you do get in touch, do it in a coffee shop, and bring paper and pencils. It's time for him to prove himself BEFORE you consider taking him back. Otherwise it will be the same ol same ole.

Planning the move, planning the discussions - all fall under 'not making decisions by default.' You can undo them at any step of the way, but you have the pride and satisfaction that you are doing something, and if he continues the way he is, you are all set with your new life.

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 06:15 PM

I think that's another reason I'm scared of breaking up with him. I love him and I'm concerned about what will happen to him. I'm making excuses because I'm holding on to what we are capable of, and our time together. I'm so scared of missing him. And I seem to have lost all sense of logic and reason.

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 06:27 PM

This is all true, but why do I feel like I have to defend him? Why do I feel like I owe it to him? Why do I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do? Why do I feel like anything relationship will end up the same after so many years?

Wondergirl · Dec 13, 2014, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by snapdragon

This is all true, but why do I feel like I have to defend him? Why do I feel like I owe it to him? Why do I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do? Why do I feel like anything relationship will end up the same after so many years?

Because you've been together for so many years and the way he is has become normal and acceptable to you. And you know you can't change him. Without him, who and what are you? You lost yourself in caring for him. How can you find yourself again?

Homegirl 50 · Dec 13, 2014, 06:46 PM

Time to come out of your comfort zone

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 06:49 PM

I'm so scared

Homegirl 50 · Dec 13, 2014, 06:52 PM

I would imagine so, change is scary. It's better than feeling used and being miserable.

talaniman · Dec 13, 2014, 07:01 PM

You owe him nothing but your blunt honesty, so that's what you give him. You gave him everything, and lets be honest, what has he given you? Is it enough? Obviously you are comfortable after all this time, and well programmed, but are you happy? Will you be after another 13 years of this?

You owe yourself some honest answers. I frankly hope you want more from your life and tell him so. You need to talk honestly, and often, until you figure out for yourself what you want, need, and how to get it..........with, or without him.

If he doesn't want what you want, its an easy decision... choose yourself. For a change.

Alty · Dec 13, 2014, 07:01 PM

You've been together for 13 years. Losing someone, even if it's your choice to lose him, after that long, is scary. It's like a death, it's scary, it's depressing, and it's life altering.

Read your post, read it and realize what you've said. He wants none of the things you want, he does things you can't stand. So why are you with him? Why do you love him? Do you love him because you went through hard times and he was there for you, or do you love him for other reasons, because frankly, from what you wrote, it doesn't sound like you really love him, or accept him. You're with him because you somehow feel that you owe him something.

Here's a hard truth. Even if he was rich, gave you everything you wanted, a gorgeous home, jewellery, trips, etc. you still don't have to stay with him if you're not happy with how things are going. You owe him nothing.

I have a few questions. How old are you? Do you want children? Do you want marriage? Do you want a home, a car, vacations, stability? If so, is he capable of giving that to you? Obviously not. When will time run out for you to get the things you want? Will you resent him if you don't leave and none of your dreams are fulfilled, and it's too late to fulfill them?

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 07:19 PM

I'm 30. Not sure if I want kids. Don't need marriage. I want a travel partner. I want a simple stable life. I'm also scared that I'll just get myself in this situation again. Find someone new, and wait 10 years before realizing that maybe monogamy isn't real. Maybe it's not natural to be with someone forever, to find someone that compliments me. My parents are happily married still and I think I have this idea that I just need to put in a little more work.

I also realize how naïve that all is

Fr_Chuck · Dec 13, 2014, 07:29 PM

After 13 years, you know he is not going to change, and to be honest it is not fair to ask him to, he has to want to, he is happy being lazy, not working and depending on you. He is happy having nothing, drinking and being lazy.

The issue is, what do you want?

You do not want to change, because change is hard. It is easy to stay in a bad relationship but will you ever be happy

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 07:35 PM

Man, I know all of this! It's so frustrating! I've never thought of myself as a weak person, but this is really tough. It's so easy to talk myself out of it the minute I see him. I'm so tired of trying to find a reason to stay.

Wondergirl · Dec 13, 2014, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by snapdragon

Man, I know all of this! It's so frustrating! I've never thought of myself as a weak person, but this is really tough. It's so easy to talk myself out of it the minute I see him. I'm so tired of trying to find a reason to stay.

Do you own a house? Rent an apartment? Are there lots of furniture, dishes, linens, lamps, and other stuff that you've bought? Is he living with you or are you living with him?

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 07:50 PM

Apartment. I've never thought about it before, but at the moment it feels like he's living in my space. He makes rent, but otherwise I feel like a crutch. I feel so pathetic. I've fallen into the typical role of "woman who thinks she can fix a guy". I'm one of those ladies, that in movies I tend to criticize. Weak, blind and hopeless. And still I find hope in my mind.

Wondergirl · Dec 13, 2014, 07:57 PM

Where does rent money come from? Do you have a job? Who buys groceries, gas for the car(s), clothes?

snapdragon · Dec 13, 2014, 08:07 PM

He takes odd jobs with a friend. If he has any money left he buys beer. I buy everything else. He doesn't want to work anywhere that isn't family run. We've always loved the idea that our relationship isn't like any other. We aren't mainstream, we're weird and unique. Now I think it was an excuse to stay comfortable.

talaniman · Dec 13, 2014, 08:22 PM

Take a vacation, have some fun, clear your head, and come back with a fresh perspective. Bet you haven't had your own fun in a while. You are going in circles looking for hope, and courage. Backoff and come at this fresh.