[Hurtslikehell12]

So you stole her youth.

actually... she approached me! Lol :D

[Wondergirl]

actually...she approached me! Lol :D

But if I called her up this afternoon, I betcha that is what she would tell me, that she spent her time with only one guy (you) and didn't have a chance to sow her wild oats and date around to find out who she is and what kinds of guys are out there.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Your words say one thing. Your actions say the opposite. We can see that because we are looking in. I don't think you can see that.

Emotional dependency is bad for you. You have to be happy with you, content with you, strong about you, before you can be all those things for and with someone else. Control what you can control. That is your emotions, feelings, actions, etc. Let go and don't expect to control those things you can't control.

I know now that I was dependent - and it'll never happen again as long as I remember this whole ordeal! As for my words and actions being different... in what way? I'm meaning disengaging in the way I act towards her? She no longer has me chasing her or contacting her, and there is a feeling if indifference about that which is helping me heal a bit. That's all I meant.

Wondergirl, you might be right! But it seems a bit odd then to go straight into another relationship that she started before she left me? But if so, does that mean she is trying to recapture her lost youth? If so, that's kind of what GIGS theory is about and sounds more like a phase to me?

[Oliver2011]

Tennis awaits me so I must leave. You sound like a decent guy so use that on someone that deseves it.

[Wondergirl]

Wondergirl, you might be right! But it seems a bit odd then to go straight into another relationship that she started before she left me? But if so, does that mean she is trying to recapture her lost youth? If so, that's kinda what GIGS theory is about and sounds more like a phase to me?

She's too old for phases. Stop trying to justify her disappearance from your life. You've heard the old saw, "The grass is greener...."?

[Hurtslikehell12]

She's too old for phases. Stop trying to justify her disappearance from your life. You've heard the old saw, "The grass is greener...."?

That's what GIGS is = Grass is Greener Syndrome! (I didn't make it up lol) but from what I know about this guy, it isn't greener! (I won't slate the guy though as I don't know a lot about him, and it was her I trusted). I'm getting a bit mixed up here though, she is too old for phases... yet wants to be young again and re-live her lost youth? These are the mad things that I just cannot seem to get the answers to and I have tortured myself over them constantly since this happened - not so much now though thankfully! I suppose there's only one person that can give a proper answer and so far she's only offered the usual clichés and no real reasons.

[Wondergirl]

That's what GIGS is = Grass is Greener Syndrome! (I didn't make it up lol) but from what I know about this guy, it isn't greener!

Apparently she thinks so..

she is too old for phases... yet wants to be young again and re-live her lost youth?

Now she is too old for phases and may even regret her lost years spent with you.

She doesn't owe you any explanations or reasons. What is, is.

I would put money on her never returning to you, even if she breaks up with the current guy.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Apparently she thinks so..

Now she is too old for phases and may even regret her lost years spent with you.

She doesn't owe you any explanations or reasons. What is, is.

I would put money on her never returning to you, even if she breaks up with the current guy.

Awesome! After all that time? Commitment is non existent and I don't even deserve an answer? I suppose I should be regretting my lost years too since they seem to count for absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just wired differently or something, but you don't treat people like this... and especially not the ones you are supposed to love? But I appreciate your honest assessment, it's what I've heard more than any other opinion so not surprised that you see it that way too. Thank you x

[Wondergirl]

After all that time? Commitment is non existent and I don't even deserve an answer?

Nope. You have your answer in what she has done and how she has done it.

I suppose I should be regretting my lost years too since they seem to count for absolutely nothing?

That's your problem, not hers.

Maybe I'm just wired differently or something, but you don't treat people like this... and especially not the ones you are supposed to love?

Sh** happens and people aren't necessarily kind, even to those they supposedly love.

But I appreciate your honest assessment, it's what I've heard more than any other opinion so not surprised that you see it that way too. Thank you x

After a relationship has ended. There's usually no going back into it later. Too much water has gone under the bridge by then. I've been on this site since 2007 and responding to myriads of Relationship board questions, and have seen only two instances of couples that got back together -- and the reunion didn't last very long ("What were we THINKING?!").

[Hurtslikehell12]

Some fair points there but I suppose it's just my nature - I feel like I've been decent and genuine and loving from day one (despite my flaws which I acknowledge and have worked on) and to me, this is undeserved and unjust. I take your point though that some people are just $hit - but if that applied to her then I wouldn't have put in half as much as I did into our relationship. It's so sudden and it has blindsided me and left me in shock (maybe that's coming across as stubborn but its more from a total lack of understanding, especially looking at what she is giving up and what she is getting - without blowing my trumpet too much!) and yet still... I'm the one that was chasing where it should be easy for me to say good riddance! It's just all messed up and none if it is right!

As for there being no going back... I've slept on this and my experience of relationships is different. Albeit my examples are very concentrated to close family and friends, and the dynamics of some of the relationships differ (we don't have kids together being the obvious one) but I can easily call to mind 10 couples that have gone through similar and reconciled - and that's just people I know! Everyone has a different take on this but your position is the most common one. I'm not comparing us to these other couples and perhaps I am extracting some hope that it does happen... but I know that chasing and begging and moping and pining is not helping anyone! I know you list a lot of points that all indicate she has gone and doesn't give a toss about me anymore, but I have heard differently - although her actions to date do back up your position wondergirl! I know it doesn't sound like it, but she honestly is the most amazing woman on earth, and when you can see past the illness, the attitude, the drinking, the new friends, the new guy, she is still somewhere in there and she is worth fighting for (metaphorically - i.e. fighting with myself and this inner turmoil!) which I know could only prolong my agony before I end up finally accepting my fate! But there are things that have been pointed out to me that have allowed me to take her off the pedestal a wee bit and allowed me to feel more equal and gain back some power... I'm still crazy in love with her but I'm keeping my distance and pouring my heart out on here instead - hope you all don't mind too much?

[talaniman]

Obviously your shock hasn't worn off, but it will and the brain will accept the situation despite the heart hollering not to. Rant on, this is the place and you are reacting no different than most of us in the past.

Just food for thought though, divorces happen everyday after all that marriage and commitment meet reality. At least you aren't in court splitting up ASSETS, and only have to count the NC days until the emotional dust settles, after the shock wears off.

[Hurtslikehell12]

I know things could have been a lot worse and people go through worse every single day, and if this wasn't so all consuming I'd be telling myself to pull it together! But my life as I knew it has stopped (the dependency thing... ) and I want to feel "normal" in myself again. I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and "win" her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again! Mind you, she can't see me from 60+ miles away, can she? :(

[Wondergirl]

I'm getting the feeling you are really enjoying this "misery" and have absolutely no intention of trying to get past it.

[kctiger]

I know things could have been a lot worse and ppl go through worse every single day, and if this wasn't so all consuming I'd be telling myself to pull it together!! But my life as i knew it has stopped (the dependency thing...) and I want to feel "normal" in myself again. I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and "win" her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again! Mind you, she can't see me from 60+ miles away, can she? :(

I have hesitated posting on your thread due to the other experts offering up their advice. I realize my own advice pales in comparison to theirs!

First, I must say that I sympathize with how you feel, the emotions you have and the dedication to trying to right an already sunken ship. Just from reading your posts, you seem like a very put together and well composed individual. I went through the heartbreak saga myself, as did most everyone else on this board. No amount of comforting or assurance on our part can change the way you feel right now.

All I can say is hang in there. I agree with the fact that you should work on you. Do that for you, not for her, even if you have to fool yourself otherwise for the time being. It will take much time, much healing, and much more sympathizing from others around you and on here before you notice a change. Trust me, you'll notice a change and you will begin to live a normal life again. One you can be truly happy with, regardless of whether she is in it or not. Good luck! I enjoy reading your journey through this and will really enjoy when the sadness turns to happiness.

[Oliver2011]

Talk about Nancy Negative. "But my life as i knew it has stopped" Boo and a Hoo. Your life has stopped because you stopped it. These are conscious choices and decisions that you are making. Just as you decided to stop your life, you can choose to unstop your life and move your life forward.

I don't care what happens, you will never catch me making negative nancy statements ever. Given the choice to have a good day versus a bad day, I choose to have a good day every single day. Because having a good day is the only way to go for me.

[Hurtslikehell12]

I'm getting the feeling you are really enjoying this and have absolutely no intention of trying to get past it.

Is this a serious observation?

[Oliver2011]

Is this a serious observation??

Oh heck yes, from more than just Wondergirl.

[Hurtslikehell12]

Oh heck yes, from more than just Wondergirl.

How can anyone enjoy this? Am I missing something?

[Wondergirl]

Is this a serious observation??

Absolutely! And I gave Oliver a greenie for saying pretty much the same thing soon after I posted this. You are thoroughly enjoying wallowing in your misery.

We're already at almost 60 posts and you aren't even trying to heal, but are still bemoaning your fate and wondering how to get her back. SHE IS GONE!

[Oliver2011]

How can anyone enjoy this? Am I missing something?

Many people seek attention from many different ways. Some people feed off negative things and actions. It is just the way it is with some people.