[confuzzzed]

Help me... I like this guy, but deep down I think I know I shouldn't. He is in with the wrong crowd a bit and from peer pressure is smoking cigs and weed. I have liked him for about 10 months now and we have been getting really close, but at the back of my mind I think something is telling me no. I am just terribly confused though, as I think about thim all the time, as in all day everyday, I dream about him, I sit and wait for his texts, in work I do my best to be in the same room as him and when we are together we have all the symbols that we like each other, as we both make lots of eye contact and stare into each others eyes, he often looks at my lips then glances over my body and back to the eyes, he gets as close as he can to me and I don't feel uncomfortable, we have a laugh, but we can have serious talks as well and he is always joking around with me and loves it when I give him a bit of cockiness. I'm just so terribly confused as I think I need to get over him, as I don't suppose anyone would approve if we got together, but I just want to know if I really like him or not my head is just spinning and beginning to hurt with questions and confused thoughts, and its beginning to really effect my college work as I cannot think about anything else than him, please help me by giving me some advice I really need it! Thank you!

[crocop]

Hello confuzzzed, and u certainly sound that:) but don't fret, u are in a situation we have all been in at some point in our life. From your 'Q' I can see that u have already answered your own confusion, and this is good. Your gut feeling, your female intuition is telling u that u and he should NOT get together, and that is exactly what u should do, or not. Female intuition is a powerful thing, and TOO MANY women ignore it. LISTEN to it! Always look for it, it will never let u down. What it is, is an inner voice telling u that this is not it, not the right thing to do, very much like your conscience, where it's telling u the difference between right and wrong.
Ok, you seem to have fun together, but that doesn't mean as thing. There is obviously some 'chemistry' between u, but again, that doesn't mean a thing. What IS important is that u are not completely comfortable with the type of person he is, and that IS important, for u never will be. U say he's in with the wrong crowd, and peer pressure is making him do certain things. God only knows what ELSE peer pressure will influence him to do. From all that u say, you are young and though u may hate this phrase, it is as true as 2+2=4, and that is that there a plenty more fish in the sea, so just give yourself a chance,give your heart a chance. A change of job may well help. You might well surprise yourself at how quickly u forget him as soon as u find yourself in a different environment among different people, and when someone else catches your eye, you'll realise that what I said to you was spot on. By all means if u want to, erase EVERYTHING I have just said, but remember one thing, ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE, your women's intuition. We men don't have it, we have a 'gut feeling' which is nothing compared to your 6th sense. Talk to your mum and dad, openly, tell them ALL your thoughts and feelings about this lad, print my reply to you, let them read it, but they'll tell you exactly the same thing as I and more.
you're at college and at a VERY important stage of your life. You'll hate me saying this, but if I were u I'd forget about guys and bury my nose in my studies. You have SO MUCH time ahead of u. very soon you'll look back on your confusion and think... WHY was I so confused!! And also, thank the Lord that I was strong enough to resist, that I was smart enough to seek help. You're a very smart and strong young lady, many would have succummed to temptation. CONGRATULATIONS! :) :)
I wish you a very healthy, happy and successful life.
alan alias crocop (45) - croatia
p.s. when a boy looks at your lips, glances at your body, and returns to your lips, he's undressing you, and he wants JUST ONE THING from you. That is not a proper way to behave towards a lady, and that is what u are, and what u should strive to be. The more you value yourself, the more others will value you. Do not be impressed EVER by shallowness and shallow people like this young man. You are worth more than that. Be strong, he on the other hand is a weakling, a wimp, for he allows himself to do things that are very wrong just because of peer pressure. We all might want to 'fit in', but 'fitting in' is way over-rated. Being your own person is far more valuable and satisfying, and people will respect u for it always. Doing the wrong thing simply due to peer pressure is being a fool, a weak kneed wimp.
eg: all my friends smoked when I was younger than u, but I didn't, I didn't like it and that was that. There was a lot of pressure to conform, but I stood firm, never regretted it, and it did me NO harm, unlike smoking would, so, be strong, be firm, listen to your intuition, and always talk to your mum and/or dad or someone whose opinion you completely trust about any problems, 2 heads (or more) are always better than one ( a problem share, etc.) and there's no shame in asking for advice, as u just did.
I sincerely hope I have been of at least a little help to you.
best wishes

[confuzzzed]

hey crocop,

thanks verymuch indeed for spending a lot of time writing that message. I have taken in everything you said and I KNOW its all the truth and it really does mean something to me. I just find it so hard when I have had all this attention for 10 months to suddenly have it cut off, and a little bit of my feelings think well he is trying to be a different person and why should I not give him the chance, as if we never try we will never know, but then I know you cannot really take that attitude towards relationships as I could end myself up in a whole much bigger mess. I think I know deep down nothing will ever come of it, but it makes me upset every time I hear people telling me it can't happen, but I don't know why I feel that why as I know I shouldn't get involved. I have told him this and it really really hurt him, he cried. But know I just need to allow myself to try and get over him, I must get him off my mind, but he still wants to be mates, and it is going to be hard seeing him knowing the way we both feel about each other!
but again thanks for the advice, its another to back up my own intuition! =)

[crocop]

Good girl. Listen to your intuition, always. Yes it is hard, LIFE is hard in adulthood, choices aren't always easy. However, once we make big mistakes, the choices get even harder. You are facing an easier of the 2 choices. Learn from it.
Good luck.
p.s. u can always send me a private message if u fell ud like to.

[crocop]

I'm not sure what happened, but be friends and see what happens. If he breaks down and comes to you, be there; weather as a friend or whatever.
<> 'whatever'! When you're trying to help someone with advice, vagueness does nothing but confuse, and she's confused enough as it is with u or anyone using phrases like WHATEVER! 'friend' is not vague, that's precise... 'whatever' does not suggests mere friendship. Surely u must agree with this!

If you are there for him, he may change.
<> I'm quite sure that this is not advice u would in your wildest dreams offer your daughter or the daughter of a friend, so why give it to her?? The lad smokes weed and is in with a bad crowd... all that will most likely happen is that he'll get her into trouble with the police and God only knows who/what else. It is not up to her to save him from himself, that's what he has parents for, and they are obviosly miserably failing at their duty.

Also, this "female intuition" thing is stupid.
<> correction! Female intuition is stupid TO YOU! Fact is it is NOT. Female intuition has been around since forever, and a comment such as yours with regards to it is very surprising, unless you know nothing about women, and many men do not. Read+learn:
Female Intuition
Female intuition proves horribly accurate - theage.com.au
The mystery of Female intuition. | Xomba

If it's instinct, go with it.
<> she's not an animal, she's a homosapien, hence 'intuition'.

If it's your mind (what you've been taught), listen and learn from it, but don't let it make your decisions for you. If it's your heart, listen and follow it all the way. It may break itself, but then you won't have any waknesses.
<> you are generalising too much friend. Again, I cannot believe that you'd ever advise your kid like this. U are practically saying.. "never listen to your head, only ever to your heart, regardless.". Both must be listened, for often, damage isn't just ones heart. Some mistakes have consequences which are life-long, and not just until another relationship comes along. There are mistakes in life one never wants to have to learn from.

[tski]

Confuzzed, I'm in the same boat. And it sucks.

I think CroCop offered some good advice. Walk away, forget about him, you deserve better. You know this, I know this in my own situation, but it's just so hard to do.

For me, what needs to be taken into consideration are your wants and expectations. If you want to try something with this guy, do it BUT know that it is a risk; if you go in expecting too much or for him to change and be the perfect one for you, you are setting yourself up for disappointment or worse, disaster.

I think how you approach it is key. Don't appear desperate; it should be a "take it or leave it" situation for you. You CAN move on; but maybe you just don't want to.

Taking that risk and giving it a shot won't hurt you unless you allow it. If you think you'll fall into his own bad habits, stay away (!). If you're expecting him to become a better person because of you, you'll be sorely disappointed. BUT if you pursue something with him that is casual and fun and do not allow the relationship to be your main priority or concern (like CroCop said, school is!), I think you can escape unscathed.

This is probably poor advice but saying walk away is too easy to say, too hard to do. This is my current stategy with the "bad boy" I like; we'll see if it works.

In the end, console yourself with the fact that life could be much worse and there are 109,989,834, 080 or so other men out there. Good guys, at that... believe it or not.

Best!

[Auttajasi]

I agree with crocop. Women all over the states are falling in love with men on death row. These guys get hundreds of marital proposals. You don't seem like the kind of person that would do this, but you have to look long-term. If things worked out between you two, would you feel comfortable if he smoked weed the rest of his life? Or around your future kids? Sadly, I have worked with so many single women whose family is struggling so much because their husband is in jail on a drug charge. Listen to your intuition, take crocop's advice, and don't write to anyone on death row:-)