[camzzz]

Hi, I am in a relationship of 6 years now. We have two beautiful boys aged 3 and 5. My partner is an alcoholic. We have tried family counseling, Alcoholics Anonymous, but nothing worked. I left him for 3 months last summer, and left again for two months a week ago. He verbally abuses when he is drunk which is the main reason why I leave.

In these two months I met an old friend which set a spark. We never kissed or anything but we had to go to a play together on boxing day (I imagine something would have happened there!). He is single, and has a child too. On Christmas Eve my partner came to give the kids a present and got me flowers. I decided to get back to him because I was afraid of losing him since I had found out he had started seeing another woman. I thought that he deserved another chance since he promised not to drink (for the 100th time) and the fact that he quickly chose me over this woman without even calling her to cancel made me think that maybe I will never find another man who is willing to try so hard for the family.

Now I am here thinking about my friend and how it could have been if I gave him a chance. Maybe for once in my life I would have been happy. I gave a chance to the dad of my kids even if I know deep down that my life is going to remain a misery. What should I do?

[Kahani Punjab]

Camzzz,

Firstly, welcome to this great site, dear!

Your husband, or the partner, as you call him, might be hundred times better than you suppose him to be but, a hard fact is that the promises made in storm and in drunken state are often forgotten in peace. The promise of a drunkard is the worst promise, in terms of its lastingness. Still, you are in dilemma and it is understandable. He is good at heart, may be, but not a really good fellow, as he behaves so. I believe, you should keep both the relationships for a while, and weigh both, further. Time will bring out the decision. Just carry on... Good luck!

[dam577]

Hello Camzz,

I would say in this situation it's pretty clear that your partner needs tough love. I can pretty much guarantee he WILL NOT get better if his circumstances don't change. Alcohol is a powerful drug, and it takes something equally or more powerful to give someone the motivation to recover.

There is no doubt that this is a complicated and very hard situation for you emotionally, but I don't see another way than to completely cut yourself off from him --- and make sure he knows why. I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I've been in 12 step programs (probably the best option for him). I know that for me, it only took the threat of going to jail that caused me to get help (AA saved me from jail). For some people they need to actually get divorced, spend time in prison, or have much worse consquences for them to have the courage and capacity to recover.

If he really does love you and care for you and is ready to fulfill his obligations to you than he will make the right decision. You certainly can't force him to do it --- but I would say the best thing you can do for him and yourself is to cut him off VERY firmly. If you give just an inch it will fail. I would say there is a good chance that if he sees you are for real not talking to him or giving him any attention, he will start the process of soul searching and may reach out for help.

Hope this helps. You will absolutely get through this, I've been through something similar and I am so glad I went through the short term pain to get to the rainbow at the end. :)

[vanheart]

At the end of all this.

Just remember that you & your kids are what matters.

I would not jump into anything with someone else.

Its easy to do that & Im sure you want some well deserved attention.

First you need to resolve your current situation. Once & for all.

No more leave, come back, & leave crap.

Him seeing someone, and you too.

Addicts only can be helped if they want to get help.

Sometimes love isn't enough.

You have to start thinking what's best for you & your kids.

He will always be a father. But, not what's best for you.

Don't get into another relationship until you resolve this one.

[talaniman]

In times of hurt, confusion, and chaos, its very easy to seek comfort, and stability elsewhere. I think its better though to focus on resolving issues of home and family first and resist jumping from a bad situation to an unknown one.

Maybe your partner is not ready for AA, but you can get with ALANON (partners, and families of alcoholics), for support, and knowledge, and GUIDANCE, as to the best way to deal with this disease of alcoholism. In this way you can make decisions to go or stay based on facts, and not just feelings so your own life is put on a more secure foundation.

Adding another guy to the mix at this time is but a distraction for what your family, and YOU need. Only you can decide if you should go or stay, and while its normal to be open to whatever feels better than what you have, it still better to resolve what you have, heal, and then look for what you want.

Distance yourself from the influence of other guys and deal with the one you are with. One way, or another.

[camzzz]

Thank you for your hints. Regarding staying away so he hits rock bottom is what I tried to do. Some people never hit rock bottom, in his case he already has a child from another relationship which today I believe ended for the reason of alcohol although he never told me. He was ready to move on again, he had already found another woman. He will never cure himself this I know I chose him again for the kids and doing so I know I have to accept his alcohol.Regarding the other guy I never had a relationship with him I only met him once after 12 years and when I met him I wasn't with my parter for 2 months and it was a coincidence. So far he is not verbally abusing me when drunk I hope it stays that way. I don't mind a jolly drunk man.I will keep you posted if there are changes :)