[Lucky098]

Hello all! Its me again... Same guy, almost the same problems...

Since I was last on here talking about my problems with my boyfriend, I branched off on my own and went to school. I'll be done in 12 weeks :) Go me!

However, things with my boyfriend have gotten worse in... I'd say the past 5 months. He just doesn't give me enough of his time.. He is always working. He bought a liqour store with his brother and helps work it from about 2pm-11pm Monday through Friday and most Saturdays. He took on the "graveyard" shift at his job and works from 12am - 7am Monday through Friday. He and his brother just recently decided to have the store open on Sundays now...

I know this is a huge issue, but its not the biggest issue, at least not to me. I can't work at the store with my boyfriend because his brother doesn't like me. I have offered many times to go to the store and help out a couple nights a week and those offers always end up on deaf ears. His brother hates me... if he doesn't hate me, then I don't know what else it is. But he never talks to me and any chance that he gets to say something hurtful towards the things I like, he does it. Specifically, one time.. My boyfriend was talking about my horses, and his brother comes back with "A good horse is a dead horse"... I didn't even bring this subject up and he said this.. and what's worse, my boyfriend didn't even stand up to him. He just let him talk crap about my *new* profession which is Vet Tech.

His sister is a waste of air.. She is just as rude as my boyfriends brother, only she is more quiet about it. I have asked her to hang out or do something several times, and I get the "maybes" and "I'll let you knows"... Which she never gets back to me for a yes or no response. I think that's rude! Yet I get blamed by my boyfriend that I don't try and get along with his family. There are so many ways to get ahold of people these days, I just don't buy anyone's excuse of being too busy. She could have contacted me on Facebook (which we are friends on), asked for my phone number or even relayed a message through my boyfriend... But I get nothing. I don't need her to be my best friend, but geez.. after 5 years, I would think I would have some type of relationship with his family... but I don't. OH! And her and her hubby will ask questions about *their* horses through my boyfriend. Neither her or her hubby will ask me directly..

My boyfriend never spends time with my friends. He had a UFC fight party a couple weeks ago, I asked if I could invite one of my friends, and he tells me no, he just wants it to be us. The only people we hang out with are his friends, which are all married with kids. My boyfriend and I are together, but not married, not engaged, not living together and definitely don't have kids together. I don't see where he and I can relate to any of these people beyond drinking a beer and watching TV. Don't get me wrong, I like these people, they're very nice.. but they're older than us and, well.. married.. I went out on Halloween by myself. My friend was with her boyfriend and some troll hit on me all night... My boyfriend has to work.. I get told that he just can't take days off to go out.. Which I understand.. but we went out on Saturday night. I asked him weeks ago to see if he could get off.. And no go.. COME TO FIND OUT.. we went out anyway Friday night and didn't even invite me. At least an invite.. at least let me decide if I feel like going out at Midnight... but nothing.

And what basically broke me.. two weekends ago, I asked if he wanted to go to a play 2 hours from our house. He told me he would try and get the day off.. I was OK with that.. Well, he got Saturday off, failed to mention he had stuff to do Saturday afternoon which bled into the evening... I was so pissed.. How could someone treat me like that. When I asked him to get Saturday off, he never mentioned he had things to do. Its like I'm not important enough to mention things like this.. instead, I get lead along like an idiot.

He never spends time with my family...

I just feel like I need a break.. To go out and have fun and not worry about anything. I feel like I'm wasting my life away because he thinks he needs to have everything perfectly in order for he and I to amount to anything beyond boyfriend and girlfriend... I don't even have a key to his house.

My heart is completely broken and it seems like every song "speaks" to me. I feel so lost... I feel as if that stupid liqour store cost us our relationship.. I vaguely remember him telling me the lady he bought the store had to get out because her marriage was at risk of ending because of the store... But the only response I get from him when I voice my upset about this is, "This is my life now.."... I thought I was suppose to be his life.

I could just crawl into a corner...

[Hmmm....]

Fisrt off, how old are you? How old is your boyfriend? How long have you been with your boyfriend? Honestly, you need to listen to your heart. It doesn't sound good and I think deep down inside you know what's best for you... the hard part is implementing the decision.

[Lucky098]

We are both 26 and have been together for 5 years.

[J_9]

Lucky, let me pose a question to you. Just food for thought okay? You don't have to answer.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Remember, if you marry him, you marry his family.

Just ponder that for a bit. ;)

[DoulaLC]

Maybe it's time to start spending more time doing things with your friends and family on your own. Invite him, but don't expect anything.

From what you describe, it sounds as though he has no reason to change anything, put forth any more effort, or to even acknowledge your concerns. He gets things the way he wants them.

You are in his life, but not a major part of it... his focus is on his business, which does take a lot of time, and then relaxing how he wants to.

Have you sat down with him to talk about where he thinks the relationship is going? What does he want? How does he think it is going to happen if you are not happy?

Acknowledge that you understand the business will take a good deal of his time, but that you also want to feel that your needs matter as well.

His response to these things, along with what you have received already, will let you have a better idea of whether the two of you are heading in the same direction.

It may or may not be a situation where you might have to make some difficult choices.

[Lucky098]

Lucky, let me pose a question to you. Just food for thought okay? You don't have to answer.

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Remember, if you marry him, you marry his family.

Just ponder that for a bit. ;)

I have thought about this a lot. I don't think it's normal to have absolutely no relationship with his siblings. I don't think I'm that horrible of a person for both siblings to cast me aside. I've always been nice to both of the , attended their parties and what not. I even gave them gifts at Christmas, not to mention the many gifts I gave her kid. I didn't even get a freakin card for my birthday from them. Just one line of "happy birthday" on Facebook.

Just sick of it. I blocked them all on my Facebook because I just don't care about what is going on in their lives. I don't find that right. But oh well

[Lucky098]

Maybe it's time to start spending more time doing things with your friends and family on your own. Invite him, but don't expect anything.

From what you describe, it sounds as though he has no reason to change anything, put forth any more effort, or to even acknowledge your concerns. He gets things the way he wants them.

You are in his life, but not a major part of it....his focus is on his business, which does take a lot of time, and then relaxing how he wants to.

Have you sat down with him to talk about where he thinks the relationship is going? What does he want? How does he think it is going to happen if you are not happy?

Acknowledge that you understand the business will take a good deal of his time, but that you also want to feel that your needs matter as well.

His response to these things, along with what you have received already, will let you have a better idea of whether or not the two of you are heading in the same direction.

It may or may not be a situation where you might have to make some difficult choices.

I have been doing more stuff on my own. I'm an only child and it's pretty much me and my mom. I love my mom a lot, but it's just not the same type of companionship. All my friends are either pregnant or just had a kid or married. No fun there. I try very hard to have my own separate life, but I just want to be sharing a life with someone. In 12 weeks, I'll be done with school and working a full time job, which will be good in all directions.

I have tried talking to him and he just looks right through me. He thinks he is never wrong. He didn't think he was wrong when he pretty much dither me those two saturdays ago. Didn't find that wrong at all. I don't want to go out alone anymore. I want him there with me, having fun... But he has to work. He claims that since his job is changing shifts again things are going to be different. I doubt it. I'll be working soon and any weekend he gets, hell be at that stupid store with his brother.

I hate this horrible feeling. At one moment, I could cry knowing he wouldn't be mine anymore. A second moment, I'm mad at him and naming off in my head all the things that piss me off and then a third moment I just don't care.

I just feel so empty.

Today. He sent me a text message saying he misses me and loves me. I haven't seen him since Sunday. I just replied with a smiley face. And he askes me what that was for. Ugh. Then, later on he askes me if miss him. I hate when he does that. I rarely respond to that. It's so stupid.

[DoulaLC]

I'd try speaking to him one more time to explain what you need from him. Again, acknowledge that he has other commitments as well, and you understand that, but that you also need to feel that your needs matter too.

It may be that you will need to ride it out a bit and see if things really do change with the shift change. See if he does make an effort. Were things better before he took over the store? If so, try not to let the jealousy of his work commitments get the better of you. He needs to understand, as well, that you need to adjust to the change in the time spent together as well.

If things weren't much better before, and you have other unresolved issues that are making you very unhappy, it may not be the best relationship to continue in.

Do keep in mind what J_9 said. If after 5 years you don't have much of a relationship with his family, and a seemingly hostile one at that, it is not likely to change.

[Lucky098]

I thought things were pretty good before he bought the store. He still lived with his brother and we still did things with his friends.. but things like that don't matter that much to me.

This store has made things so hard. He works Saturdays, probably going to work Sundays, too.. He works at night until the store closes which is 11pm... If I ask to do something with him, it turns into some HUGE ordeal. I just always feel like I'm walking around on egg shells with him. He's upset with me because I don't have a job right now. He thinks I should have stayed at my job and drive an additional 30 miles.. Or stay with my first internship site... The hours dropped dramatically and I was only working 1 day a week at 3 hours. It seems like anytime that things are hard for me financially, he feels as if he needs to lecture me, scold me and tell me how I shouldn't have done anything. I even offered to clean his house and him pay.. He seemed OK with that, but nothing ever moved forward. Nothing ever moves forward.. It just stays the same allll ttthheee time!

I want to talk to him, and not over the phone or text. I want to tell him how I feel about everything and how the choices he makes only effect him (in a good way). If we get into another fight, I think it'll be over. I just can't take these games anymore.. I can't take how I'm not important, or at least he doesn't treat me like I'm important. I shouldn't have to ignore his family or feel like I'm obligated to see them.. I don't like them. They're so mean!

I just feel like everything is so wrong right now.. But the stupid thing is, when its good.. ITS GOOD! We do still have a connection and we can still have a fun time.. It just always takes so much work on my end for it to happen. He basically shows up and pays.. And I don't want that.

[DoulaLC]

He can't give you the time and attention you are wanting right now. It happens in relationships... one partner has an area in their life that requires extra attention so it shifts from the other partner. Usually it ebbs and flows back and forth with both people understanding that it is just how it is, for right now.

In your situation, you aren't seeing an end to how things currently are, and if anything, it appears it may get worse (with time spent together) before it gets better.

Is it possible to try and get involved more with your own friends and not rely as much on the time with him? Focus on interests that you may have. Try something new that you have wanted to try. Focus on some job searching.

It is unfortunate that he won't have you come help in the store. That could be a win-win situation. You get to spend more time with him, albeit at work, and he gets extra help in the store.

Try to think of different options for a compromise and find a time to discuss it with him.

If it just isn't going to work, you may have to put the relationship on hold and either move on or just take some time to see where it goes.

[Lucky098]

Well, all summer long and fall I've been doing my own thing. Hanging out with friends and what not. I even started to ride my crazy horse. I have been occupying my time. It just sucks. I started to volunteer my time at a vet clinic a few days a week which I think will include Saturday soon. In February, I'll be going out on internship and that must be full time and hopefully I'll get hired on from that point. So I've been busy and I've been doing stuff on my own...

What do I do about his family? I'd just like to tell him his family is a jerk, but I know that won't get me anywhere. And I believe that my relationship with his family has gotten worse. And like I said, he thinks that I'm not going out on the limb to do anything with them. But I have! And now I've given up. I see no point in beating a dead horse. But I know if I want a good relationship that leads to more, I need to overcome this battle.

[talaniman]

Ignore his family, and ignore his criticism of how you handle them. All relationship go through heaven, and hell. That's just life. But after 5 years you have not worked well enough together to get through the storms of life, then you must honestly reevaluate what it is you, and he are doing, and either make the right adjustments, or forget it.

To be honest, I can see where you are a bit carried away by the frustrations you face now, and you have many adjustments to make to your own moods, and the way you deal with things. Not being harsh, but all you can control is yourself, how you think, and act. You cannot control him, his brother, or his family.

I think the mark of great, long term couples is how we handle our partners flaws and down sides, because lets be real, we don't have a problem enjoying the great times. They are who they are, and at this time you have a lot of downside going on that you have to deal with.

You do have some good ideas though, as to what to do with your time, but you know that we seldom share all our time with our partners as we like, and certainly not during busy times. Sometimes all we see is a sleeping mate when times are busy for you both.

I think you have so many resentments now because of frustrations on many fronts, that you may be overwhelmed by them, but the break you need is not from him but your own inability to feel good about YOURSELF, and your life, because everything is in flux, at this time in many areas of your own life.

I say all that, to say this, which not to be harsh, but your biggest frustration is that you are still dating the same guy, after 5 years. You both are trying to build yourselves for the future, but not doing it together.

You are not sharing that quality time that bonds through the common struggle, and its obvious you both are stuck since there is no end goals in sight. I would be frustrated too.

Bottom line is you have a decision to make, a big life changing one. Keep floating in limbo, trying to change your circumstances, or talk to your partner, and see if you can make those changes, and decisions together.

5 years is to long to be in limbo in my own opinion, without being able to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both. Its telling he is so tied to his own family, and you are basically outside looking in, and not sharing and caring.

I cannot believe this preview of your life with him is what you want, so you better tell him, this ain't working the way you want, and you have spent 5 years being a date, and require a lot more to show for it. That would be honest, and get the ball rolling, or else what's the point?

[Lucky098]

Ignore his family, and ignore his criticism of how you handle them. All relationship go thru heaven, and hell. Thats just life. But after 5 years you have not worked well enough together to get thru the storms of life, then you must honestly reevaluate what it is you, and he are doing, and either make the right adjustments, or forget it.

To be honest, I can see where you are a bit carried away by the frustrations you face now, and you have many adjustments to make to your own moods, and the way you deal with things. Not being harsh, but all you can control is yourself, how you think, and act. You cannot control him, his brother, or his family.

I think the mark of great, long term couples is how we handle our partners flaws and down sides, because lets be real, we don't have a problem enjoying the great times. They are who they are, and at this time you have a lot of downside going on that you have to deal with.

You do have some good ideas though, as to what to do with your time, but you know that we seldom share all our time with our partners as we like, and certainly not during busy times. Sometimes all we see is a sleeping mate when times are busy for you both.

I think you have so many resentments now because of frustrations on many fronts, that you may be overwhelmed by them, but the break you need is not from him but your own inability to feel good about YOURSELF, and your life, because everything is in flux, at this time in many areas of your own life.

I say all that, to say this, which not to be harsh, but your biggest frustration is that you are still dating the same guy, after 5 years. You both are trying to build yourselves for the future, but not doing it together.

You are not sharing that quality time that bonds thru the common struggle, and its obvious you both are stuck since there is no end goals in sight. I would be frustrated too.

Bottom line is you have a decision to make, a big life changing one. Keep floating in limbo, trying to change your circumstances, or talk to your partner, and see if you can make those changes, and decisions together.

5 years is to long to be in limbo in my own opinion, without being able to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both. Its telling he is so tied to his own family, and you are basically outside looking in, and not sharing and caring.

I cannot believe this preview of your life with him is what you want, so you better tell him, this ain't working the way you want, and you have spent 5 years being a date, and require a lot more to show for it. That would be honest, and get the ball rolling, or else whats the point??

I agree with absolutely everything you say...

I am looking in on his family from the outside.. He does treat me like a "date" and not a long-term girlfriend.

My friends have told me for about 6 months now that he and I should be making "bills" together.. and moving forward.

All he does it make a life for himself.. that involves his brother 100%... He doesn't care if I partake in anything with his store or his family. I try and involve him a lot of what I do because it seems like he has the same interest as I do. If he doesn't want to go do something, he needs to just say it, not lead me on. And I find he does that a lot. I don't know if he thinks that means he is avoiding hurting my feelings or what... It annoys me so much.

I suppose if he and I are no longer dating, it would not be any different from what it is right now. I barely ever see him. I haven't seen him in a solid week now and I'm sure he won't be busting down my door to see me. Its just going to really suck, because I don't have that big of a support system. And really.. Who would not want to see their girlfriend/boyfriend in over a week? That's such bull... But I guess *you* also make time for those you want spend time with :(

And I don't know if I want to give him a second chance with this new shift change. Because I don't think anything is going to change.. He might not be at the store as much:rolleyes:

Maybe it is over.. I don't know.. Feels pretty bleak right now. And I think for us to actually make it, some changes will need to be made.. On his end, not mine, or at least not as much. And I realize I cannot make someone change unless they want to. But maybe the threat of me being gone will spark something.

[vanheart]

"I suppose if he and I are no longer dating, it would not be any different from what it is right now"
That's speaks volumes.

Sometimes its about the right person. The right time.
Not everyone is meant to be together. That's life.

This comes down to you, now.
Is this worth it?

"I hate this horrible feeling"

I would have a either have some serious sessions with him, open & honestly, or split.
Have a backup plan in the meantime. What's right for YOU.