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lostsheep · Mar 10, 2011, 02:22 PM

I have been with the same guy for four years. I got together with him when I was sixteen and someone who was broken seemed dangerous. Now at twenty and numerous attempts to preen him into something he's not I have matured enough to understand I can't change him. We are going in different directions. He wants to stay put in the eternal world of living with his parents, making next to no money and leeching off me for rides everywhere. He needs me to bug him about doing any work for college and at this point I am completely exhausted pushing him, working a full time job, pushing myself and attempting not to drown in eternal self pity (something that has consumed me because of the above and am disgusted about). He wants to party too hard and he wants to treat me a certain way I at this point find completely disgusting and dergoatory. I guess what it comes down to is how do you tell someone, who completely relies on you and has abandonment issues after four years that its time for you to go...

ken007nielsen · Mar 10, 2011, 04:21 PM

Either shape up or get lost, final warning I've had it with your bull****, I've been on your case since I don't even remember anymore.

I'm sure he would cry for a second chance, to I recommend the above.

However there's all the classic for easy let downs, like I need a break to worry about myself for awhile.

Or do the right thing, come clean tell it how it is and why you can't do it anymore, be sensitive but be honest.

I wish · Mar 10, 2011, 04:26 PM

You said it, sounds like you're heading in different directions.

This is most likely your first serious relationship. The problem with first serious relationships is that you don't always know when's the right time to call it quits.

I think you got it right that you've outgrown each other. There are too many changes that he is going to require to make to make this relationship work. It won't be fair to him to ask him to change the lifestyle that he wants. It's not fair to you to put up with something that you want.

I would say that this relationship has run its course and you're better off going your separate ways.

answerme_tender · Mar 10, 2011, 05:05 PM

Well you need to make a decision here. You already know that you cannot change someone. So you need to either move on and keep growing as an individual without him. Or learn to enjoy being the bread winner and taxi driver in this relationship. If you make the choice to stay, then you will need to do so without complaints!

Take care

lostsheep · Mar 10, 2011, 07:09 PM

He's gotten second and third chances... I think this time if its done its done but I have no idea how to do it after four years... hes my second serious relationship but the first guy was a lot older had his life together so he was easy to leave...

Just Looking · Mar 10, 2011, 08:42 PM

This will be emotional for you even if you know it's the right move, so you might get your thoughts together either mentally or by writing out the main points you want to address and why you think the relationship can't progress any further. You should try to give him a full explanation, not only so he understands but that he doesn't hound you to get back together. So many of the posts in this forum are from people who don't really understand why their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up. You've already discussed this with him so nothing should be new to him. You have tried to work on the issues, but nothing has changed. First, be sure that this is what you want. If you are sure try the following.

Write a summary of what you want to say and/or practice what you are going to say in your head until you have the right words, though of course it will just be a general idea. It could change as you interact. Try to stay calm. Be direct and get right to the point. Don't place blame. Be respectful and listen to what he has to say, but don't let it drag on. It won't be easy or pleasant, but try to keep it as “nice” as possible. You should read the stickies in this forum about breaking up, no contact, and what to expect. Even though you are the one breaking up, you will most likely have a reaction to this. Be prepared.

As to what to say, be honest. You know why you want to break up. Don't make it "easier" by saying things like you want to be friends or you might get back together in the future. That just drags it out and makes it more difficult in the long run. Good luck.

amicon · Mar 11, 2011, 12:28 AM

I agree with the others,it's time to go,this relationship has run its course.

Be honest and be firm.

Make sure you have people who can support you as you go through he emotions that are bound to come up after you have broken up.

Take good care of yourself.

I wish · Mar 11, 2011, 07:59 AM

There's never an easy way to break up, so just be honest. You owe it to each other to be honest after 4 years together.

talaniman · Mar 11, 2011, 12:05 PM

Its difficult but neccesay for you to tell him how you feel and then leave. Make a plan now.

lostsheep · Mar 24, 2011, 06:28 AM

Threads merged

So I went to Florida on vacation for a few days. I left my boyfriend of four years who I trusted completely and he cheated. We had, had a bad week and I told him I wasn't sure about us. Yet before I left we had reconciled. While I was gone he slept with sombody. This girl I asked him to stay away from because she has a reputation and later told me she didn't even like him she just wanted to do someone. I think what hurts the most is she slept at his house in a bed I regularly sleep in under pictures of me. I am completely broken this is the first time he ever did something like this and nobody could believe it. He preaches on being faithful regularly. He blames it on the week we had, he said after I left he went on a alcohol binge because he was depressed. He was confused and admittedly attracted to her for sometime. He said he loves me though and made a horrible mistake and to his credit he told me as soon as I came home and saw him in person. Hes begging to have me back, crying saying he ruined his life... I love him but every time I'm at his house I think about her... I can't even touch him. What should I do? Everyone is just saying leave but if I walk away I could be losing my soulmate...

I wanted to add that he also states it was because he was curious I was the only girl he's ever been with... and he says he needed to do it to be sure.

summer_girl · Mar 24, 2011, 06:45 AM

He blamed his trangression on a "bad week" that you'd had. Does that still sound like a soulmate to you?

The choice is up to you, whether you can accept what happened,forgive and go forward.

amicon · Mar 24, 2011, 06:52 AM

So,were you to stay together,what happens next time you 'have a bad week',and/or you go away?

He cheated on you,that's not acceptable behaviour in my book.

If you think that's your soulmate,I think you can do a lot better.

People who genuinely care for us don't betray us,giving flimsy excuses.

talaniman · Mar 24, 2011, 08:02 AM

If you ignore the way he handles his problems, and the stresses of life, you will regret it. You already were having second thoughts, and this latest episode only adds to things. Step back and do some real thinking on your own without pressure from him.

You both need to consider your own future for a while apart from each other, while the emotional dust settles.

For you more than him.

summer_girl · Mar 24, 2011, 10:45 AM

Paul Simon said it pretty good... "there must fifty ways to leave your lover"

"Drop off the key, Lee...Get on the bus, Gus...You don't need to discuss much....Just set yourself free."