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kieranwong · Oct 8, 2010, 02:17 AM

Hi all,
When me and my girlfriend have sex it starts fine, then halfway through I get soft before we've climaxed. She tells me that this completely kills the mood and after that she just doesn't want to do anything anymore.
I'm not too concerned about my ability to maintain an erection, but is she being reasonable by ending it instead of being patient with me and helping me "get it back"? It really hurts me when she just pushes me away after that.

Any opinions would be appreciated. Thanks!

martinizing2 · Oct 8, 2010, 03:14 AM

Just for the record we need to know your age.

Fr_Chuck · Oct 8, 2010, 03:27 AM

Age, does it happen every time,

kieranwong · Oct 8, 2010, 03:43 AM

23. She's 21

kieranwong · Oct 8, 2010, 03:44 AM

Not every time. Some nights I do just fine..

martinizing2 · Oct 8, 2010, 04:08 AM

Yes it would be nice if she understood , was patient, and helped you get it back.

It would be nice on your part to understand that she may feel that she is not stimulating enough to keep you up for the entire game.

That could be a mood and ego killer.

Have you talked to her about this outside the bedroom
(or livingroom , or on the kitchen table:eek: or wherever you may be at the time the problem occurs... )?

A little explaining back and forth, can go a long way to keeping things going back and forth.

Communicate , communicate, communicate, get rid of the guess work and get into the reality of the situation instead of what you assume the reality is.

When in a relationship, there is no subject you should not be able to calmly discuss.
If this is not the case make it so.

I wish you well.

CravenMorhead · Oct 8, 2010, 08:28 AM

I would also visit the doctor about going soft. There could be a reason for this that could be a symptom for a different problem.

That is all I have to add. This is unusual behaviour and it would be to your advantage to figure out why this is happening.

QLP · Oct 9, 2010, 05:05 AM

Maybe she needs to hear how she can help you get it back because she isn't sure what to do.
Maybe you need to ask what would help her maintain the mood when it happens.
Do you know why you sometimes have this problem? After you have had a few drinks or something? Perhaps if she understood the reason for it she would feel better.
Talk to each other.

Cat1864 · Oct 9, 2010, 06:51 AM

What is 'halfway' through? Are you trying to continue even after you know it isn't working? She may be picking up on your frustration even before you stop and admit there is a problem.

Something to think about is that not only are you having an issue but so is she. You're both going from 90 to 0. While physically you may be able to get back up to speed rather quickly, for her the mental as well as physical aspects of arousal are taking longer to recover.

Instead of trying to continue, try taking a break and let the arousal build up again. Take a shower. Watch a movie. Have fun. Cuddle. Anything that takes the pressure off.

When you aren't engaged in sex, discuss the times it has happened and how to handle it. Through discussing it, you might find a pattern to know what to avoid or change to limit it occurring again.

Be patient with each other.

beachloverjohn · Oct 9, 2010, 07:28 AM

It does seem like she is being just a little unreasonable here. But it is understandable. I don't know what you do in bed, but I would spend most of the time on foreplay. The idea is to get her to climax before you have intercourse, and some women can't or have a very hard time climaxing during intercourse. But use your hands, fingers, mouth, sex toys if necessary, with one objective... to get her to have an orgasm. Then you can concentrate on yourself, will maintain an erection, and enjoy intercourse much more, and she will enjoy it also.

Synnen · Oct 9, 2010, 11:42 AM

I find it interesting that the men think she's being unreasonable, and the women get why she's doing it completely.

Sex is MENTAL for women. Yeah, it's physical too, but it's more mental. When you're going soft in the middle of sex, you're killing her mood MENTALLY. It has nothing to do with the physical besides the fact that if the mental aspect isn't working, the physical won't either. You're essentially doing to her mentally what kicking you in the balls would do to you physically (as far as killing the mood, anyway).

Yeah, it would be nice if she helped you get hard again so you could continue. It would ALSO be nice if you helped her get mentally back in the mood so SHE could continue.

You need to talk about this together, sometime when you are NOT in bed trying to have sex. Once again with my favorite line: If you cannot talk about sex together, you shouldn't be HAVING sex together.

RustyFairmount · Oct 9, 2010, 08:19 PM

Agree with the mental. Oh, how I agree. But... don't write men off as the culprits. We're not automatic. Pumping in and out doesn't keep it inflated. We need mental stimulation, too. Blaming us for killing the mood, well, kills the mood.

Synnen · Oct 10, 2010, 01:34 AM

Oh, I wasn't blaming anyone.

I'm just saying that it's no more her complete responsibility to get him hard again than it is his responsibility to start foreplay all over again.

It's totally a communication thing, and it's a matter for each couple to decide what works best for them.

My response was in part because of the comment from someone that she was being unreasonable for not still being in the mood, and not getting HIM back in the mood when the mood was killed for her.

kieranwong · Oct 10, 2010, 04:56 AM

Thanks for the responses everyone! I was actually worried she might get bored so I do go back and start foreplay again. But this time round, she just doesn't seem to be enjoying it anymore and pushes me away. I think she very much prefers the actual sex than foreplay (or maybe I'm just not too good at it?)
I did try to talk to her about it, she's aware now that pushing me away is a bad idea. But now that I know her mood is so easily killed it piles on even more pressure on me to perform. Vicious cycle ):
I think my problem is completely mental. I need to get over this need to perform up to her expectations in bed.
In the meantime, thank ya'all for all the support!

kieranwong · Oct 10, 2010, 04:57 AM

That's true, I do think I let my frustration show through sometimes. Will try and work on that. Thanks.

kieranwong · Oct 10, 2010, 05:00 AM

She always rushes me into the sex before I've barely begun foreplay. Which is kind of atypical for a woman I think.. im not sure.

kieranwong · Oct 10, 2010, 05:02 AM

I completely understand why this would kill the mood. But part of the reason why I'm particularly bewildered is that she never said a thing about it in the past. We spent three months apart, and I'm beginning to see these changes. I suppose it helps to communicate what she really feels, but it seems to me as if she's lost all the patience she used to have.

QLP · Oct 10, 2010, 06:49 AM

You think she prefers penetration to foreplay. If you aren't sure you need to ask. You wonder if you aren't any good at the foreplay. It's not a matter of whether you are good or bad it's a matter of whether you are doing what works for this particular person. Different strokes for different folks. Again ask. And be willing to share what works for you. It's meant to be about the both of you.

You shouldn't feel like you have to 'perform' to her expectations. It's not about being some perfect stud machine. It's about finding out what works for both of you and enjoying sharing that. Do you think she should automatically know exactly what floats your boat and should be able to perform like the perfect lover every time? Nieither of you should feel pressure like that.

You also need to find out if she rushes you into sex because she genuinely doesn't enjoy foreplay or if it is because she gets turned on and goes for the kill quickly. Sometimes holding back on giving someone what they want immediately is the best skill to learn. Tease to please. But you need to find out if this is something she would enjoy.

Instead of making all the discussions heavy and about sex being a problem, why not try making the chats fun. Make a game where you write down some sexual things you would like to try and pick some out of a hat and go for it. Or write some suggestions on pieces of paper and each take turns picking one out and saying how it makes you feel. Make some of them silly to keep it fun. Buy some sex books and mark some passages that turn each of you on, use different coloured pens so each of you can have a peek and see what your partner found erotic. Do some fun, exciting, romantic things together outside the bedroom. Try and lighten things up for you both whilst keeping the communication going.