[ozphotog]

My current marriage of 20 years, 2 kids 13 and 15 is rocky right now, lots of arguments, stress etc. Suddenly I started thinking about a girl I met on a New Zealand Contiki trip in 1983. (well, to tell the absolute truth I have thought about her lots of times over the last 20 years or so) She lived in the USA, me in Australia.I went to the USA the year after and stayed with her family for awhile. We had a great time and when I think back to all the signals I got (and stupidly did nothing about) I think there could have been much more.

Now I can't get her out of my head, I have googled her, done all sorts of searches and found where she livess and that she is married. I have sent her a postcard asking if she wants to catch up by email after all these years. I don't know what I expect to happen from here. I guess in my wildest dreams somehow we could end up together sometime in the future.

I feel if she said " I will leave my husband, come on over" I would be on the next plane to the USA. Silly I know but that is what is going through my mind.

I am obsessed with her, walking around all day with tears in my eyes. I don't know what to do... I even phoned her during the day a couple of times. So I could hear her voice on her answering machine. I feel like phoning and telling her how I feel , but she would probalby think I am crazy.

I feel like asking her if back then had I tried to take things further, could it have been, but if she says YES, I will feel like I have wasted my life with the wrong woman, if she says NO, it will crush me. Either way I lose.

What do I do next? Forget her? Talk to her? Wait to see if she replies to the postcardl?

We were about 26 and 28 when we met the first time, now we are 52 and 54 and at the moment I feel I have wasted my life without her.

I need some help or advice... I need to resolve this.

I know some people will say to cut off any contact, get her out of my life, move on etc, but deep down I don't want to.

What do I do??

[aimee_tt]

You need to let her go. It was many years ago and she is married now. She has not replied to your phone calls and your letters. She may think your stalking her.

What about your wife? Do you love her? Do you want to work things out with her? You need to sort out your current relationship before you do anything else.

I think you should let it go. If one day she tires to contact you then fine talk with her but for now leave her. She doesn't seem interested.

She is not the girl you once knew. She is married now. Not the single fun loving girl you knew.

[ozphotog]

I have only just sent the postcard, she will not have received it yet. I haven't left any messages on her machine. At the moment, she probably doesn't even know I exist or am looking to contact her. I just can't get her and the "what if" out of my head.

[silverlining]

Do you think that maybe these feelings are coming to the surface now because your current relationship is rocky? If she was the one then nothing would have stopped you from being with her back then... You would have known then. But you chose to be with your current wife..

It think she is just an escape from your reality at the moment...

[ozphotog]

Possibly, but over the years I have always had her in my mind. Back then I lacked confidence and didn't move on the signals I got... later I married someone I hardly knew, and over the years felt I married the wrong person. I stick with it for my kids, if we split she would go back to her parents with the kids 1000klm away and I couldn't handle that. I don't know if when the kids are grown, whether it will last, without them to keep us togther. I guess the thoughts I am having are and escape, but it is so obbsessive it almost feels like something could come from it, even though I realise it is not likely. I guess in fantasy land, I hope something will happen.
I will wait to see if I get a reply to the postcard. If not, I will have to try to move on. I am just in a mess in a lot of ways right now.

[Kitkat22]

You need to work on your marriage and stop obsessing over
A twenty year old memory.
She is probably happy married and you are going to try to make waves.

Leave it alone. You have a lot to be thankful for.

[Clough]

Hi, ozphotog!

Do you mean that you would risk jeopardizing the investment in a marriage of 20 years over the fantasy of something more happening due to a short, non-committed relationship that you had with someone who you met on a vacation trip and really have only visited, also without any real commitment as well as responsibility?

Seems to me, that the best thing to do would be to concentrate on making the "grass greener" where you are in life rather than trying to escape to where you think the "grass might be "greener".

At least for now, you're in a relationship in which the two of you presumably made vows to each other and it's one over which you have some control as to how things might be.

Life happens... How we face the challenges of it are a big part of how people judge the kind of people we are. It can make a big difference as to the types of people that we have as friends as well as how we are viewed by others at our places of employment.

Besides that, people change A LOT in twenty years!

Thanks!

[Jake2008]

You have been given some very good advice here in my opinion, but, it does not yet address the issue of what is becoming an obsession, rather than a pleasant daydream to escape the duldrums of everyday life.

I think we are all guilty of wanting to go back in time. I've thought about old boyfriends from time to time, and wondered, "what if". What if things had been different and I'd ended up with one of them, instead of the one I have now. With one of them, most likely I would have ended up where I am now. A couple of kids, a house, mortgage, car payments, day to day problems and challenges, arguments, locking horns, and then starting all over again.

In other words, if you could realistically fill in the blanks, and add to the romatic memories, you would most likely end up in very similar circumstances to where you are now.

Needing an escape, or repreive, or a break from the day to day routine, is what has maybe brought you to this point. 'She' is a memory of only good, happy, stress-free, no commitment times, where everything was only about enjoying life without any responsibilities- to each other, or to anybody else. You can make her anyway you want to, and add another chapter to that fantasy, which includes a picket fence, two successful children, and a love life that would make Elvis blush. Paint her anyway you like, with whatever attributes you desire. Make her larger than life, with a glowing light surrounding her, complete with wings.

Then, realize it for what it is. A fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less- literally. There is no substance to base this great desire for her on, other than, you are searching for happiness, fulfillment, maybe excitement, and an escape from where you are.

It is easy to justify it all by finding fault with your marriage, and think that you make a big mistake in staying with one person so long. But, what is missing from that, is anything positive. Blocking all the good, and reducing a long marriage to such a low denominator, that you might feel justified in thinking that you must find something better to make up for such a huge 'mistake' that has taken up such a large chunk of your life.

If you can separate fantasy girl, from real wife, try to look at both with a critical eye. Which has the substance. Which has provided you with a fulfilling life, a committed partner, through all the nasty and difficult stuff. Who has been by your side, in the flesh, to see you through all the day to day, year to year problems that would have caused most to bail after 10 years, or five years. And here you are at 20 years, with a foundation that realistically, is going to be very difficult to crack.

It sounds to me that you have allowed this alternative life with the fantasy girl to take on a life of its own, as though it actually exists. Pinning so many hopes and dreams on a postcard, and ready to jump over the big pond, based on false hope, and unrealistic expectations. That you seem so sad and depressed over your life that you would get to this point, might need more than a good talking to, to understand.

Why not seek some therapy or counselling, and talk this out with an impartial person, who can ask appropriate quesitons without judgment, and help you find your footing with this. I wonder too if there aren't other factors contributing to where you are now.

If you are struggling with this, as you seem to be, think about counselling as a way to help define the lines that have become blurred, before you make decisions you most likely will regret.

[ozphotog]

I guess you guys are all correct in your advice. I have been rethinking some things, and maybe it is apparent to me that my fantasy world is not likely to come true. I am still anxious for a reply to the post card, which she should get tomorrow, even just to catch up to her as a friend and see how she is.

All those crazy things still go around in my head, but now seem to be a fantasy, more than a hope for the future. I am still hanging out to talk to her again though.

It is weird though, as I said before I have though about this girl on an off ever since 1984... but suddenly it all came flooding back like it was yesterday and it ripped out my heart. I can't explain it, but it was sudden and deep seated. I don't know where it came from but is was like POW . I mean, I have had lots of other relationships but none of them hit me with this much force.

As far as my current situation, that is a different thing. We have grown apart, I am not sure I even "like" her anymore. She has grown very negative and over controlling of some aspects of the family. We argue all the time about our kids and how to deal with them. We argue about business. We argue about everything. I used to be a very patient man, now I blow my stack at her. She seems to take pride in telling me what she can't do, and what won't work instead of anything positive. If she left tomorrow I would probably enjoy the peace and quiet!

Still in a mess, but the USA thing a little more in perspective now.

Thanks for all your input.

[talaniman]

It's a big red flag when a guy crosses the line and starts acting on his fantasies of happier times and people long gone in the past.

That's a false hope that you will regret, and there are better ways of relieving stress and coping with the normal chaos of life.

What mature men do when they are having the time in their life when nothing goes right and is satisfying is reinvent themselves in safe, and positive ways that makes them feel good about themselves like a new and different hobby, or building and creating the ultimate man cave filled with a bunch of toys, a red sports car, or something that says you love yourself because its so easy to get bogged down in the chaos of life and be pissed and resentful of everyone, and everything.

Some guys have affairs, or do outlandish things, and have outlandish hobbies, or try to make their fantasies come true. Me, I let the wife do whatever the freak she pleases, gave the kids room to run into brick walls and not be pizzed and unreasonable, and found I had a lot of free time to just do my thing, and redefined myself from what I had been doing for years, day in, and day out, and found new skills, and interests, and new healthier things that brought me satisfaction in doing, mastering and accomplishing.

When guys seek healthy adult entertainment with challenging hobbies and activities, they themselves are happy and healthier and the chaos around them is much easier to deal with. You made a big mistake in my book by trying to run away from your situation, and retreat back to the past happier times actively and willingly going down a very bad path, and while I understand the temptations, and need to feel better, YOUR actions are crossing the lines of good behavior, and have great consequences attached to them, NOT the blessing of feeling better, and being happier.

Really there is no excuse to open a can of worms that you will never enjoy, and the jeopardy you put YOUR family, as well as HERS through, is illogical and selfish, to the wrong degree. You my friend need a healthier plan to deal with YOUR frustration, and self esteem, that allows you to keep your dignity, and self respect, and brings you closer to the ones you love, not away from them, because you will surely regret missing the good times you could be having now, with them, trying to chase the fantasy in your head that leads to nowhere but misery, pain, self deception, selfish, and bad behavior.

While I understand your situation (been there, done that ) I warn you to get on a better path, and be happy, or drown in your own sh!t!! Your to old for those kid games and old enough to know better, and do better. Mid 50's is not to old to keep growing, and learning.

Those that can't learn, can't make a difference.

[Jake2008]

It's interesting, if I'm reading this right, that for most of your marriage, you had fleeting thoughts of this girl from your past. But, you went on with your marriage, had kids etc. built a life anyway.

Has this overwhelming urge been building, as the problems in the marriage build? With the way things sound from your description, the marriage is in serious trouble, nothing you have written suggests that any serious issues have been tackled.

If marriage counselling is not something either of you would consider, in my opinion it is better to put the old girlfriend to the side, and not let your judgment be clouded by her, resulting in some bad and/or rash decisions, should you decide to split.

Have you considered counselling, or ending the marriage? Has the topic even been brought up? I hope the communication doesn't further deteriorate where the two of you can't even talk that much.

[ozphotog]

Thanks for all your input. I am starting to feel better about the obsession, in that it is not so much of an obsession now. I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I felt I needed to talk to someone about it... I was going to talk to my brother this weekend, or maybe my best mate... but better to keep it to myself. Venting it on this website has done me a world of good.

Jake, you are correct, this girl has been in my mind on and off ever since I met her. Maybe that means she was the riight one for me, but either she didn't agree or I was just to slow and stupid to do anything about it. I mean, let me share with you some of the "signals" I got... on the NZ trip we got on really well, some days we sat together and talked all day on the bus, one night we slept together (not in the traditional sense, but a gourp of us were alllying on beds, still dressed after a night out, and I was laying with here, we ending up going to sleep all night, nothing sexual happened, we were in a dorm room.)
When the tour finished we all swapped cards, I got one from her saying "to the best looking and most fun aussie"... got a big soft goodbye kiss that knocked my socks off. We kept in touch by mail until I went over to the USA for another Contiki Tour. She picked me up from the airport, another big hug! We spend a few days together before I went on the Contiki thing, maybe I should have asked her to come on the tour too, but It didn't occur to me. One evening before I went on tour, we sat on Santa Monica beacj and watched the sunset... soo romantic, but I did nothing about it... I should have kissed her. I get the feeling that because I was a little shy and not confident, that she thought I wasn't interested. I can't remember what was going through my head at the time, maybe the geographic location obstacle, I don't really remember. Maybe you are right and I am just remebering the

I am still anxiously awaiting a reply to the postcard I sent, but now more as a friend catching up. I know I shouldn't even contact her, but the card is sent so we will wait and see. She may think it is freaky after all these years, but we will see. Maybe I will get a reply telling me to leave her alone, in that case I will, and the fantasy will definitely come to an end. Maybe we can keep in touch as friends and who knows what the future may bring one day.

Anyway, the tears have stopped, some realism has kicked in due to all your comments. I am still in a rocky place in my marriage and I guess I need to do something about that. Let me get the fantasy thing well and truly over with, then I can think cleary and unbiased as you say.

[Kitkat22]

Thanks for all your input. I am starting to feel better about the obsession, in that it is not so much of an obession now. I guess I needed to get it off my chest. I felt I needed to talk to someone about it...I was going to talk to my brother this weekend, or maybe my best mate......but better to keep it to myself. Venting it on this website has done me a world of good.

Jake, you are correct, this girl has been in my mind on and off ever since I met her. Maybe that means she was the riight one for me, but either she didn't agree or I was just to slow and stupid to do anything about it. I mean, let me share with you some of the "signals" I got....on the NZ trip we got on really well, some days we sat together and talked all day on the bus, one night we slept together (not in the traditional sense, but a gourp of us were alllying on beds, still dressed after a night out, and I was laying with here, we ending up going to sleep all night, nothing sexual happened, we were in a dorm room.)
When the tour finished we all swapped cards, I got one from her saying "to the best looking and most fun aussie"....got a big soft goodbye kiss that knocked my socks off. We kept in touch by mail until I went over to the USA for another Contiki Tour. She picked me up from the airport, another big hug! We spend a few days together before I went on the Contiki thing, maybe I should have asked her to come on the tour too, but It didn't occur to me. One evening before I went on tour, we sat on Santa Monica beacj and watched the sunset....soo romantic, but I did nothing about it...I should have kissed her. I get the feeling that because I was a little shy and not confident, that she thought I wasn't interested. I can't remeber what was going through my head at the time, maybe the geographic location obstacle, I don't really remember. Maybe you are right and I am just remebering the

I am still anxiously awaiting a reply to the postcard I sent, but now more as a friend catching up. I know I shouldn't even contact her, but the card is sent so we will wait and see. She may think it is freaky after all these years, but we will see. Maybe I will get a reply telling me to leave her alone, in that case I will, and the fantasy will definately come to an end. Maybe we can keep in touch as friends and who knows what the future may bring one day.

Anyway, the tears have stopped, some realism has kicked in due to all your comments. I am still in a rocky place in my marriage and I guess I need to do something about that. Let me get the fantasy thing well and truly over with, then I can think cleary and unbiased as you say.

Jake gives great advice.. Let us know what happens... Kit

[ozphotog]

Well, a week has gone by since she would have received the card, and no contact, so I guess the fantasy is over, back to reality. Thanks for all you good advice.

[aimee_tt]

Time to work on yourself and see if you want your current relationship to thrive or die.

She is in the past, time to look into the future.

[ppandey47]

Try to find her and contact her in every possible way you can. Then there must be two cases. One she replies and another she does't reply or doesn't want to talk to you. If first case happens then start talking to her very formally and gradually as time passes try to be her friend again or continue talking to her in a very normal way not in obsessed way. In this way one day will come that you will get over with all your obssessions about her. And if second case happens then you will realize that you could do nothing to get her anyway. Try more harder. If you still don't get any reply then automatically your mind will realize that it is impossible to get her then slowly you will forget her and get out of this obsessed state of mind.

[ppandey47]

Dear kitkat22 I'm only saying to be formal friend with her and gradually he will come to know her reallity and will be able to forget her

[Kitkat22]

dear kitkat22 im only saying to be formal frnd with her and gradually he will come to know her reallity and will be able to forget her

You're telling him to spend time tracking her down. He is married and she probably is also. He needs to work on his marriage and not run off chasing a memory.

[ppandey47]

You're telling him to spend time tracking her down. He is married and she probably is also. He needs to work on his marriage and not run off chasing a memory.

He is trying this for past twenty yrs what is the result he is more obsessed . To overcome his obssession it is necessary.