[JoeCanada76]

Read my signature quote. Truly understand what it means.

[Kitkat22]

Your first wife spent too much time with her family? The second relationship ended when the girlfriend went back to Japan?

You had a few relationships that end badly and you used a GPS to track the last girlfriend?

I'm not trying to be cruel but there seems to be a pattern to your behavior with women. You have some very big trust issues.

Where is your first wife now? You met the present wife online and the ex girlfriend? If your wife is trying to learn English, I assume she hasn't been in the U.S very long. You say she's here on a Guardian Visa?

Do you have children other than your step daughter?

I do hope you work out these problems and get some self confidence. Keep posting and we'll try to help... Remember this.. You are probably a nice man. You need to like yourself and see your good points.. . Kit

[pinkangelgirl]

Hi Clikaus, just to respond to your earlier comment to me, didn't get to reply. I take responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what I did, I'm just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing. At the moment she may tolerate all this but eventually she will get fed up and your worst fears may come true.
Personally I don't think it's a good idea to spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex if your married. However you are saying that males only want to be friends for one reason, while females are inocent and just want friends? Well to a certain degree I would agree because in my experience all the guys who said they just wanted to be friends actually tried or hoped for more, however there are a lot of women out there who steel married men so your being naïve by thinking like this. You making that comment sounds so familiar to me as my husband used to say the same thing. It's just double standards.


The more you try to control her, the more you are pushing her away.


Yes Kitkat I agree, he is probably a nice guy. My husband behaved in the same way earlier in our relationship. At first I saw the wonderful qualities in him that made me fall in love with him. When I looked at him I would see this caring, loving, handsome great guy, but over time when I looked at him I would see this crazy control freak. Pple told me to leave him but I knew underneath what he was really like. Fortunately we worked through this and got counceling. We still have issues and ups and downs but he is a great husband and I now feel trusted. Clickaus, my husband used to say that he doesn't feel good enough and wonders why I am with him. He thought any other guy would be better and that's why he felt the strong need to control everything in the hope that I would stay with him. I tried so hard to prove to him that he was the one I wanted to be with and that I truly loved him. I finally realised that I could never convince him until he learned to like himself and deal with his insecurities. I sincerely hope that you can do the same. Good luck.

[Kitkat22]

The more you try to control her, the more you are pushing her away.

I can't add too much more. I have a lot of friends who are male.. I haven't slept with any of them. Believe it or not men and women can be friends and have a purely platonic relationship.

[clickaus]

Thanks to all
To Stringer, she has been in this country just 18 months. She is curious by nature and wanting to learn quickly, and as I said before she is open, friendly and fears offending people, even to the point of not being short with people who may approach her.


Hi pinkangelgirl, thanks, I guess I am not alone in my thinking, it's a guy thing I guess, especially if you are a little insecure about yourself. I just need to put things into perspective and enjoy what I have... I still believe I am a lucky guy and I still need to pinch myself everyday to ensure I am not just dreaming.. first counseling session today, keep you posted.

[clickaus]

Kitkat
I am still in contact with my first wife, we have a son together, he is 13 years old. I see him every Saturday and look forward to weekend stay overs on school holidays. I also have a daughter, 32, living in England with her family
My current wife has been in this country 18 months now.

Thank you to everyone who has chipped in their thoughts and comments. I am truly grateful for your time and effort. I would be a total headcase [even more than now] if it were not for you all. Thanks.

[Kitkat22]

Thanks to all
To Stringer, she has been in this country just 18 months. She is curious by nature and wanting to learn quickly, and as I said before she is open, friendly and fears offending people, even to the point of not being short with people who may approach her.


Hi pinkangelgirl, thanks, I guess I am not alone in my thinking, its a guy thing I guess, especially if you are a little insecure about yourself. I just need to put things into perspective and enjoy what I have... I still believe I am a lucky guy and I still need to pinch myself everyday to ensure I am not just dreaming.. first counseling session today, keep you posted.

You need to start having more confidence in yourself. She wouldn't have married you if you weren't a good guy. Good luck.:)

[clickaus]

Hi y'all.
Been to two sessions so far. First session trying to cram my past history into the first hour in order to give her a base for my background, second session wanted to get more off my chest only to find she was trying to get a family tree together !@#? Next session I am told will be concentrating on breathing excercises @#@? I just need to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, and is it normal/abnormal am I wrong/right and how do I control my anxiety, and what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship on both sides. More to come I am sure.

[Wondergirl]

she was trying to get a family tree together !@#?

Probably a genogram. Family systems therapists use them a lot. I like this, if that's what she's doing. I've always found them to be very helpful, both for me and for the client. It's a visual of who you are.

Genogram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Next session I am told will be concentrating on breathing excercises @#@?

To help you with anxiety. Let her teach you. Concentrate and learn them. You'll be surprised how much they will help. I took Lamaze classes and learned good breathing and had an eight-pound baby with no anesthesia. You should be so lucky.

I just need to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, and is it normal/abnormal am I wrong/right and how do I control my anxiety, and what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship on both sides.

Take it bit by bit. You don't have to do all this in three appointments. Go with the flow.

More to come I am sure.

Good! I can't wait to hear more!!

[Kitkat22]

Probably a genogram. Family systems therapists use them a lot. I like this, if that's what she's doing. I've always found them to be very helpful, both for me and for the client. It's a visual of who you are.

Genogram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


To help you with anxiety. Let her teach you. Concentrate and learn them. You'll be surprised how much they will help. I took Lamaze classes and learned good breathing and had an eight-pound baby with no anesthesia. You should be so lucky.

Take it bit by bit. You don't have to do all this in three appointments. Go with the flow.

Good! I can't wait to hear more!!!!!!!

I agree with Wondergirl!

[JoeCanada76]

I am sorry but it is hard to get the whole picture from just one session. You do have lots of anxiety and you need to let this professional help you. If your resistant or fight against it then you will only fail. The more you go, the more you learn. The better off you will be. I know that it takes time and patience. You have lots of time, you just need to learn the patience part. There is no quick fix. This did not develop overnight so what is needed is step by step to bring everything into the forefront.

[clickaus]

I understand, thanks

[mawtom]

I'm going to ask a question that HAS to be asked. Did she need to get married to stay in the country?

[talaniman]

Impatience was your problem before as you rushed to get an instant family. Instead of taking your time getting to know your new wife well. Then you instantly jumped to mistrust.

Joe is right, there are no quick fixes, and for once you have to go through the process of learning, at a much better pace.

[Kitkat22]

Keep up the counseling!

[clickaus]

Hi guys its me again. Been to two counseling sessions so far and I felt better getting things out. Then Something happened, wanted to talk but counsellor is off on vacation, go figure. Hope you could help. I know you are going to go off at me...
Well my wife spent the morning with her friend Kelly, shopping at the local Mall. I called her in the morning and she said she was just about to leave the house to meet Kelly, all was fine. About two hours later, I called her during my break to say Hi but didn't get through. I checked her GPS to find she was on her way home from the mall, still good. I thought I would wait till she got home and call again, only instead of going home she turned down the side street opposite from where we live to arrive at the rear of her old apartments again, she did this once before. She didn't actully go in to the apartments just went to the back entrance. This is where her ex flatmate lives [Kevin]. I called her immediately I tried to stay calm and asked if Kelly was still with her, but no. I asked if she met up with anyone else, no. She just said was just one her way home... I guess she could tell I was uncomfortable about something and asked if I was happy pasked about 5 times]
. I said I would talk later. She called me back 15 minutes later abd again asked if I was happy... The evening converstaion was stunnted on my part because I had this in my head not knowing how to ask outright.. Later I did ask saying that I believed she went to the back of her old apartments. I didn't know why she needed to do that. She denied that she was there. Asking why would she do that she had no reason to be there. I agree.. Know if she had said that she had met Kevin on the way home, I would have been OK except that there is an entrance on the main road in the front, again opposite our apartment complex, so no reason the walk around the back.. But no matter how I asked she denied totally she had walked there and I was all in my mind. I am going crazy not knowing her reason. How do I approach this as each working week that comes along I am so anxious, weekends when I am with her all is fine. No I am not looking for a divorce I truly love this lady but I just need an answer to this riddle.

[talaniman]

You would feel so dumb if it was Kelly seeing Kevin. I don't know.

For a guy who doesn't want a divorce, you sure are trying hard to get one.

So now, despite counseling, around the same circle you go, and with the same results. Pure insanity.

I just want to know what your therapist says about you "tailing" your WIFE through GPS??

[Kitkat22]

You would feel so dumb if it was Kelly seeing Kevin. I don't know.

For a guy who doesn't want a divorce, you sure are trying hard to get one.

So now, despite counseling, around the same circle you go, and with the same results. Pure insanity.

I just want to know what your therapist says about you "tailing" your WIFE thru GPS???

Still accusatory and paranoid. Still questioning her every move. It would drive me crazy. Keep it up and she'll be gone and then you won't have to worry about.
Don't you realize you are stalking your own wife? Get over it! I'm really surprised she's stuck it out this long. You interrogate her and want to know every single move sh makes? KNOCK IT OFF and give her a break.
If she isn't half crazy now , she will be if she stays with you and you continue this behaviour.

[Cat1864]

clickaus, have you told your therapist about tracking your wife? If so, what has he/she said about it. If not, then why not? How honest have you been in these sessions so far?

Admittedly, you just started counseling and it takes time to see changes. However, I am not positive that you are actually trying to change. You can't just say you want to change. YOU have to put actions to those words. Otherwise, the cycle of doubt and tracking will continue.

I can't tell if you are worried about your own behavior and the lines you are crossing or if you are boasting about knowing where your wife is even when she doesn't answer her phone.

I don't know what you expect to hear that hasn't already been said.

You aren't being open and honest with her. You are setting her up to 'lie' to you. You say that she is still learning your language, but you ask leading questions instead of asking her straight out in words that can't be twisted. No wonder you don't like the answers you are getting.

Do you really love her? Do you understand what love is?

[asking]

Does your wife know you are using the gps to track her?

What else can she conclude when you show that you know where she's been?

Here are some other things to consider as you systematically blow up your marriage:

Maybe you have really got her attention with all your questions and your semi-accurate "guesses" about where she's been, so she is testing you to see how accurate your knowledge of her whereabouts is.

What if the gps is in fact inaccurate and she was at the front of her own house when you called her? Have you carefully checked the precision of the gps unit in a variety of conditions? Do you really know she was across the street?

Also, I didn't catch this in earlier posts. But is it actually gps, or is it cell phone triangulation, which is different and less accurate? My own phone puts me way off where I actually am at times. Other times, it's right on.

This isn't just about trust (which is really important); it's also about your total inability to let go, to not know things, and to be okay with what you do know.

When you are not grilling your beautiful wife about her every move, what do you guys do together for fun? Do you enjoy her company? Do you feel comfortable around her? Why don't you focus on that instead of trying to catch her doing something that is in your head?

Have you learned to speak her native language? Why not? Put your excess energy into something positive and productive instead of all of this negative energy which will drive her away. How do you show her you love her? What more can you do?