[Sypress]

Hey everyone, Im pretty new to this but I am desperately seeking help.

The relationship I've shared with my fiancé (if she still is) was a very beautiful thing, we barely ever fought and no matter what, we always showed affection towards each other and told each other that we were deeply in love. From the beginning, we saw each other pretty much every day and never got tired of seeing her.

Earlier this month things changed, she told me she was afraid that she might not feel the same way I feel about her, and she said that wasn't fair for me, I told her we should work things out instead of giving each other that break she was seeking. All month long it was mixed signals, I was guilty of that as well but it was mostly out of spite. I made problems bigger than they already were and I would always accuse her of cheating on me (not to her face but I would drop hints) that was the scenario that made the most sense to me... I became so desperate to find out what was going on that I hacked into her Facebook page and saw a message I didn't like at all... I completely snapped. By no means am I an angel but I am no devil, I don't like confrontation and I am a very understanding person but even I had my limits. She's a receptionist at a clinic and her phone is at the front, I called her and right away started cursing at her and told her that it was over between us, I said that since its over between us you owe me to let me know the truth, how long has this been going on! She said that she wasn't cheating on me... I honestly thought she didn't care about or the relationship we've shared so I said something to try to get her upset... I told her that if something were to happen to me that it would be all of her fault, I really have no reason to live... That was an empty threat by the way

After she ended the conversation I had about 3 hours to think about what just happened before she got off work, I right away realized how big of a mistake I made. When she got off I tried two hours straight to get in contact with her, even calling her parents and her brother, nothing... Later that night I got a chance to talk to her, she told me I scarred her, I felt like... I talked to her with a more calm and understanding voice cause that's what I have been dying fro, an understanding. By the end I told her, what now? She said we need a break... I really thought it was over and here she is still telling me that we need a break. We made up some boundaries. The next day I took the steps needed to try and fix what just happened, I went to go see my doctor and got a pass to see a psychiatrist, I admitted that what I did was completely wrong and recognized my faults, and I decided I wanted to talk to her family and apologize for my actions, if there's any chance of getting back with her, I want to make sure everything is in place when that day comes. We agreed that we would see each other on Saturday (two days later), she still seemed scared at first and that's understandable, we had dinner together. I felt like I could breathe again, the food tasted so good, and I've never seen her look as beautiful as she did that night. We had fun, but we steered away from the issue. At the end of dinner I told her I wished this night would never end (wasn't trying to trick her into doing something else) she suggested we go to the movies. At the movies, I ended up kissing her and it felt like a first kiss, she kissed me back. On the way out I kissed her again and she kissed me back. We talked for 2 hours that night and I read a letter I had written to her earlier that day, I felt like the last few days and only felt comfort writing a letter of what I was really feeling, she cried. Yesterday I got to talk to her and she was more open to tell me how she feels about our situation, it hurt but I welcomed it.

She said that she was always trying to make other people around her happy and didn't really look out for herself, that she wants to know what she really wants, she felt like she had so much to do like clean her room, get rid of all her junk and go back to school. She said that staying this much in contact with me, which is only like two days out of the week anyway and I wait for her to call me, wasn't really helping... she tells me that I shouldn't wait for her but I asked what if I did find someone else she said it would crush her. I truly believe that we should risk it all and just try to work something out, we both owe each other that much after having such a fairytale relationship. We talked a little bit more and I wanted to make sure she got a good nights rest, I stayed on the phone till she fell asleep. Next morning she sends me a message; good morning, just wanted to make sure you slept good... hope you have a nice day. I responded and she never sent anything back...

I really don't know what to do anymore, should I just ignore her, make her look for me, make her fall in love with me again, or just try to move on... like I said before, this was such an amazing relationship, never known anyone to have one like ours, sounds a little foolish seeing that Im here, but we are still human. 4yrs down the drain, plus she is my Fiancé, it feels worst knowing that I had her so in love with me that we were almost married... help me please.

Thank you for reading this long, pathetic post. I just can't see myself without her by my side.

[allonmyown]

I think you should give her the space she needs. Hanging around will only make thing worse. Go no contact. If she feels that she want you she'll let you know.

[talaniman]

You better let her cool off for a while. Like back up some. It will take a while for her to get over how you scared the freak out of her, for absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!

Hope she punishes you good, and makes you sweat. Sorry guy, you behaved badly, and there are consequences to pay. SERIOUS consequences.

[floaton]

First of all... those 3 years are not going down the drain. I'm in a similar situation except I'm more playing the girlfriends part. I'm sorry about that but it sounds like she really just needs time and space to clear her mind. That's what I need and I can't tell you how much better it would be if my boyfriend would stop calling me.
My boyfriend behaved horribly when I told him we needed a break and that kind of damage is practically irreparable. The guilt it could cause her may cause tension whether you get back together or not. Good luck and listen to some good music.

[Sypress]

Well I forgot to mention that in the last conversation she said she forgave me and wants to see me this Friday... I found it a bit odd, the same conversation where she said she feels staying in contact might not help her situation. I could never forgive myself for what I did and she says I need to forgive myself to make a progress within. I know I have consequences that need to be paid but it seems that I'm punishing myself more than anyone.

And I use to think I was some sort of expert in love lol people use to come to me for advice... she tells me she feels like giving up, go over to my house, and try to pretend this never happened but she knows she might still feel the same and will become a bigger problem later. Then she tells me that she needs space to figure herself out (obviously saying I take too much of her time) but goes on to say that she doesn't like staying home, to be alone with her thoughts... ok

So far I have respected her wishes and have not made any contact unless she calls me, she is grateful. I just feel a little bad for telling her I'm not taking this well... I've lost so much weight, I can't sleep (its 1:50 am), and I told her I sleep on the floor now because I am so use to her sleeping with me.

Again thank you for taking the time to read my pathetic story and thank you for your responses, I truly appreciate it

[floaton]

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. It sounds like she's hurting a lot too. You both need to be strong and do what's right even if it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. You may need to just talk but be honest. I hope you've learned and please don't be so hard on yourself. These things happen.

[Sypress]

I'm really tempted to ask her if we could just try one more time, I want to feel like I've tried everything to make this work... I don't know, maybe our problems doesn't revolve around me and she really wants to figure out what she really wants.

The irony to this story is that she was in my place before, she dated a guy for 4yrs and he told her they needed a break. She must fully understand what I'm going through... I was there when she was suffering from a heart break, I was the one to tell her that she deserved better. She would go on to tell me she wants to feel like she gave her all to make it work... who would have known the cycle would repeat. This comparison adds more to my fears seeing that she finally left him for me, I don't know if she is leaving me for someone else... she left her ex for me because he was just a terrible human being; he would come back home with hickies all on his neck, he almost got another woman pregnant, his own mother told her she should leave her son because of the type of person he was... Feeling like the cycle is repeating, I can't help but wonder if she thinks I'm a terrible person.

During the last few days, I have given her an opportunity to end it and she hasn't, maybe she is scarred at what I might do. It could also be because I told her if it ended between us, that's is. I never want to be with her again and I would terminate all contact with her... how could I just be friends with the woman I gave my all to? With the woman I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with? I don't want to see her with another man.

I talked to her dad in person, I apologized for my actions and assured him his daughter and I were safe, he appreciated me coming to him like a man and admitting I made a grave mistake. He told me that its really between us but if we got back together he would allow it. We talked for 2 hrs and I left before she got home, I made a promise to give her space.

In our conversation I asked how she was doing, he told me she is just in the living room on the laptop, he could tell she is sad and she is eating not as much as before. This makes me wonder, maybe she really thinks this something she needs... maybe... maybe she cares enough not to put me through something like this unless she thought it was necessary...

As you can see, I have a lot on my mind. So far all I'm doing is respecting her space, wait for her to call me, apologizing (where needed), spending a lot of time alone, and being as honest as I can with her when we talk.

Am I taking the right path?

[Homegirl 50]

She can't help the way she feels and if she does not feel for you what you do for her she has every right to end it.

How old are the two of you?
Your bugging her and talking to her parents about this seem a bit creepy to me. Get yourself together and leave her alone.

[Homegirl 50]

Are you on the right path? No!
You need to tell her you are going to leave her alone and let her figure things out. You need to stop talking to her family. When you do that, you will be on the right path.
You need to leave this girl alone.

[Sypress]

She can't help the way she feels and if she does not feel for you what you do for her she has every right to end it.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear, its OK. The point I was trying to make is that she has had opportunities to end it, the day I snapped, the day we last saw each other,but she didn't. By not ending it maybe she still wants something with me and if that's the case, what do I do? Give her all the space she needs (no contact), continue with our space with rules, or tell her we should go for broke and try one last time to fix this?

How old are the two of you?
Your bugging her and talking to her parents about this seem a bit creepy to me. Get yourself together and leave her alone.

She actually thanked me for talking to her dad because they keep in constant contact with her, and like I said it was mainly to apologize for my actions... and again, Im not bugging her in anyway, the only time I talk to her is when she calls me and when we do talk I encourage her to tell me everything that's on her mind, no matter how painful it might be for me and I tell her everything that's on my mind in a calm, respectful manner. I left all control in her hands. You make me seem like a stalker, which I am not...

[Homegirl 50]

But you are not giving her space. You are making it hard for her to find herself.
This is hard for her and as long as you keep this up, trying to be her friend she is not going to have the strength to leave you alone and figure things out. And maybe she fears your "going off" again so she continues to talk to you.

Back way off. Tell her you are going to be fine but you want to give her the time she needs. Suggest it would be better and easier if you two don't have contact for a while.

[Sypress]

But you are not giving her space. You are making it hard for her to find herself.
This is hard for her and as long as you keep this up, trying to be her friend she is not going to have the strength to leave you alone and figure things out. And maybe she fears your "going off" again so she continues to talk to you.

Back way off. Tell her you are going to be fine but you want to give her the time she needs. Suggest it would be better and easier if you two don't have contact for a while.

Maybe you're right, I broke her trust in me and I understand its not as easy as "I'm sorry" to earn it back... I just can't shake the feeling that this could be fixed if we just talked it out. I do want her to have that inner peace that she needs, and not to have a doubt in her mind that I'm the one for her. I do know that if we ever do get back our relationship would be stronger than ever.

Thank you for the advice, I truly appreciate it.

[Homegirl 50]

I may sound harsh, but I really do wish you the best.
You have a good heart just give her some space.

[scatterbrain44]

You're border-line stalker. End of story. Did you talk to the Dad before? Or was this a round-about way of communicating with your ex?

Months have passed now since the original post. What was the outcome?

[scatterbrain44]

If she needs space, respect it.
Attempting to 'control' how she uses that space is no doubt part of the original issue the relationship had.