[londoncalling]

I wanted to share my story with someone so here goes...

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me around 3 months ago. She is 20, I am 24. We did everything together and thought we would be together forever. The reasons she gave were that she loved me, but wasn't in love with me. "It's not you, it's me". She said I was a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have me. She didn't know why she didn't feel the same anymore, but she couldn't make herself feel something she didn't.

For 3 weeks I did the usual thing of going completely crazy :rolleyes: refusing to accept it, begging, sending lots of text messages. Basically pestering her.

I should point out also that by this time she had become friendly with another guy and was spending lots of time with him. She said that she was beginning to develop feelings for him. Now this guy has a potentially serious health issue (involves brain, neck, spine, don't want to go into too much detail) and doesn't know what the prognosis is.

Anyway I turned to the internet (thanks AMHD!) and realised that my behaviour was unattractive, and actually completed pointless. So I settled down and stopped calling, texting or seeing her. The only communication we had was if she contacted me first. I did okay with that for a couple of months, and actually felt I had gained a bit of control back from her.

Fast forward to last Thursday. She tells me that she misses me and some of the feelings she originally had for me have come back. She says she wants me back. But she feels trapped with the new guy. She's been going with him to hospital appointments and been there for him when he's struggling with the pain. And she would be abandoning him if she came back to me because no one else is as close (emotionally) to him as she is.

I told her that I would be open to the possibility of trying things again, but I wasn't going to wait around while she made up her mind who was more important to her (meaning: I'm not going to wait forever, so if you want me back you need to make a decision). I don't want to be kept on a string while she makes up her mind what she wants, so I asked her to give me some space and only to contact me if she wants to try again. Meanwhile I would assume that she wasn't coming back and try to get on with my life. She told me she hoped she would be able to get in touch soon. So far she has respected my request and not contacted me; this is day 6 of complete NC.

From reading other threads on here, I always thought complete NC would be easier on me than low contact, and if I could manage LC without my heart feeling like it was ripped apart then I was doing all right. So why has the last 6 days been so difficult for me? I wake up in the night thinking about her and I feel down all the time. The thought that keeps running through my head is, "If she wanted me back that badly, why hasn't she come to me already?"

Do I even want her back now? I don't blame her for not feeling the same as she used to. People change. But I'm worried that it could happen again. I guess my heart wants her back, given the way I've been feeling. I'm also worried for her though, that she's got herself into something where she feels trapped and isn't completely happy. Feeling trapped isn't something that just goes away.

I know this isn't really a question, more like a readout of my jumbled-up thoughts. But I would appreciate any analysis or thoughts you guys have, and any advice. Thanks for reading this. Sorry it's so long, I do appreciate it those of you who made it this far.

[talaniman]

Sure her feelings are coming back for you, because look at where she is currently sitting and its human to wish for the better times when you are catching hell.

Having said that, ignore all of it. She dumped you and moved to something else and its giving her a hard time and she wants relief. Let her get her own as you were doing fine without her, and until she stirred up old feelings again.

Keep the NC, and you will be okay with yourself and your world again, and be able to find someone better than what you had.

Going back wards ain't the thing to do.

Talaniman Rules- when you get dumped, don't go back to get dumped again.

[Torrid13]

Kudos to you for recognizing you were being a ClingyMonster for a little while after the break-up, & for going NC. Cutting off ties is usually the hardest thing for most people, because they feel like they need contact with their ex to live.

4 years is a long time to be with someone, & you're definitely not going to feel better overnight. It's going to take a lot of time, but like Talaniman said, going backwards isn't an option.

Besides, I think it's awfully fishy that she suddenly wants you back when her new guy gets struck with medical issues. My theory? She's immature & thinks she can keep people on strings & pull it whenever she feels like it.

Anyway, don't fall for it. Keep yourself focused on other goals. In time, you'll feel all that control coming back. And boy, does that feel good.

[I wish]

6 days of NC is not very much. Check out the NC related threads in my signature and you will notice one point: If you communicate after a period of NC, you will restart much of the progress. He coming to you and telling you how she feels has reset much of your progress. The reason is because she dangled you some false hope.

Furthermore, look at it from her perspective, you're the one who said that you want space. But you contradicted yourself by saying that she should only contact you if she really wants to start things up again. I would be completely confused if I was in her position. So what is it that you want? Space? Or restart? Make it clear. But make sure you know what you want before you say it. You also put her in limbo by saying that you want space, but that you want her to call to restart the relationship. So how long is she suppose to wait? Aren't you suppose to tell her when you're done with having space?

Figure out what you want first before worrying about her. NC is to help you heal from your pains. NC is not so that you can sit by the phone and wait for her to call. That's another reason why you're suffering. You're waiting for her to call. Once you stop expecting a call from her, then you will be able to completely focus on yourself to heal properly.

The last point I wanted to make was, even if you did get back together, who knows what she will give her little speech of "I love you, but not in love with you" again. How can you ever feel secure in this relationship? Do you really want to put yourself through that again?

[ZoeMarie]

The thought that keeps running through my head is, "If she wanted me back that badly, why hasn't she come to me already?"

You would think, but at the same time, do you want to always wonder if she's going to dump you again? To me it would be pretty nerve racking.

[londoncalling]

Thanks for the responses. You guys have said a lot of stuff that I think I needed to be told.

Tal, Torrid- I think you're both right. She's decided that things aren't so rosy and wants a backup plan. I don't want to be a second choice for anyone when there are so many other girls out there, one of whom will see me as a first choice. To be honest, the fear of going back and being dumped again will probably keep me on track.

I wish- 6 days isn't long. I've been through the NC threads on here more than once and read some of the stories linked in them. I know it's going to take months to get past this. Up to last week she'd given me no reason to think there was any hope, and I was starting to get used to that. But when she hit me with that last week, I decided to go full NC because I felt I couldn't handle the false hope and trying to find hidden meanings in her words.

I do want space from her. Definitely. The theory was that if she calls, at least I know she's serious. I'm trying not to expect a call. With each new day, I expect it less and less. Now I'm beginning to think I should just have told her not to call me at all. Do I want her back? I don't know. Am I right in thinking it's too soon and likely wouldn't work out anyway? I certainly don't want her to think she can do what she likes and come straight back when it doesn't work out. Again, you're right- there's no guarantee it won't happen again.

I know what I should do: move on and be happy with myself. I know my happiness shouldn't be so dependent on another person. It's difficult to put it all into practice. Talking this through on here is helping though.

[I wish]

Sounds like you're still unsure of what you want. Only you know what's best for you.

I strongly suggest that you take whatever time you need to figure out what exactly you want first, before worrying about what she's going to do next.

Once you're figured out what you want, there will be a lot less confusion and fustration.

If you're not ready to move on, then don't. Do what feels right. Do what you feel most comfortable with. Just remember to consider the consequences of whatever you decide. And whether you're able to handle the possible consequences.

[londoncalling]

I don't know what I want, I don't mind admitting that. It's going to take me a while to figure it out. At this point I don't want to put myself in a situation that I can't control. For now I want to try to heal myself and be happy on my own. I wouldn't close the door on becoming friends in the future because we really did get on well together. But for the moment I can't put myself in that position.

After reading the replies yesterday I slept better last night. Managed to get my mind off things for a bit. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday so I should be keeping busy then too. I feel better when I have other things to do :) Thanks Torrid, for calling me a Clingy Monster - that put the biggest smile on my face in a long time! :p