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hazou_afram · May 12, 2010, 12:19 PM

Hey everyone ,
Am going to try to make this as short as possible and excuse me for my poor English!
I've been in a relationship for 8 months with a 25 year old girl, and am 22. She was from other religion and she lives an hour away from me.
At first the relation was amazing and everything was going fine, we didn't use to argue much about the age and the religion.
Then once,after 4 months, here brother saw her FB inbox by coincidence and knew about the thing. He caused her so many trouble (because of the religion thing) and we had to break up. Actually I didn't let her go easily, I stayed beside her and tried to get things back until one day we did it and everything went amazing.
1 week later she began to change. She used to argue with me and kept asking me every time the same question , " WHAT NEXT", and I always went like " It's okay honey we can do it, don't worry we'll finish college and then work on this".
Everyday passes and things went down and worse. Then she asked for a break in a day that she acted so weird, she barely talked, barely smiled at me etc.. I told her okay, do what fits you. Then we spent the whole week talking about the relation until she exploded. She was like " I need someone in my life that really can be beside me everyday, someone to see my future with. Am not seeing myself with you anymore, i need to be alone to look for something serious in my life. All am doing is stupid and childish and i can't bare this situation anymore."
After that I hadn't much to talk about , I was sick of it . I did let her go and began the no contact, deleted her from Facebook, msn, and all this stuff. But the thing is that everyday passes am feeling so horrible and I can't take this. I really need help.
Any ideas?

By the way sorry I didn't tell you that it's been a month since we broke up

artlady · May 12, 2010, 12:37 PM

It takes time and work to get over a relationship.
Your feelings do not disappear overnight and you must do certain things to help yourself through the grieving process.

One thing is to get busy with other things in your life.Keep yourself occupied as much as possible.
Go out with friends and talk to your friends about how you feel.

Please refer to the stickies in the relationship section to help you through this tough time.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html

talaniman · May 12, 2010, 01:12 PM

I don't know what your religions are but clearly hers requires more of a firmer commitment than yours does. I can imagine the hell her family is putting her through because of it.

Since you obviously have other things in mind besides a commitment to her, except as boyfriend/girlfriend, then you would do well to leave her alone, and cut any contact you have with her, permanently.

Even in such short relationships (8 months is very short), it still sucks to break up, but that's the risk we all take when we have a partner, so in time, those intense feelings will fade, if you have no more contact at all with her, AND do things you enjoy, without her.

Stick to NC until it does work for you, as some take longer than others. Maybe you should see how you feel in 6 months of NC!!

I wish · May 12, 2010, 01:27 PM

1 month is not very much.

It really takes time and patience.

Check out the NC related threads in my signature.

What you need to do is to distract yourself as much as possible so that you don't think about the situation. The more you think about it, the more fustrated you will be and the longer you prolong the agony.

Stay busy, be patient.

hazou_afram · May 12, 2010, 04:11 PM

Thanks people I really appreciate what u said! I read the related threads and trying to stick with them. But the thing that bothers me is that we as a couple used to be perfect.. but when things used to come to her mind, about the religion and age, made the thing worse. We didn't have any problems from the inside.. things became from the outside and interfered in the inside! And that's bothering me the most

talaniman · May 12, 2010, 04:31 PM

Those things were not from her outside, but were a part of who she is. No way was she ready to change them, and your minimizing them made them no less a sticking point than they are.

Culture was too much to overcome in this case, that was a clear signal that her feelings, and yours clashed, and would never work.

You can never dismiss your partners intense feelings, and its dangerous to down play them. As you have found out.

hazou_afram · May 12, 2010, 09:17 PM

Okay then.. how should I act if she calls back?

talaniman · May 13, 2010, 05:20 AM

Your broken up. Its been month, she hasn't called, so ignore her now. What is there to talk about?

I wish · May 13, 2010, 05:50 AM

Originally Posted by hazou_afram

Okay then.. how should i act if she calls back ?!

Are you in NC or not? Review the NC rules in my signature.

Do not pick up.

Someone had a funny suggestion. Instead of keeping her name associated to her number, change it to something else like" Do not pick up". So that you know not to pick up when she calls!

hazou_afram · May 13, 2010, 09:01 AM

Do u think it's a good idea not to pick up? I know there's nothing to talk about unless she needs to talk about it again! So here the ball must be in my court

I wish · May 13, 2010, 09:34 AM

The reason you would pick up is because you still have false hope that you should get back together.

Of course there's a chance that she can come crying back to you.

But what if she's not? By picking up, you reset a lot of the progress you make because it intensifies your sense of false hope. You will believe that you still have another chance of getting back, otherwise, she wouldn't have look for you right?

The reason that's unhealthy is because you won't be able to move on with your life if you keep holding on to that sense of false hope.

Even if she comes back to you, who knows when you will break up again. Unless you can fix the problems that you broke up in the first place, getting back together again is only setting up for another blow up.

hazou_afram · May 13, 2010, 02:05 PM

Ur a real expert! Thank u . :)
I don't think that things will change from her family's side. Getting back together won't change anything I guess! All I can do is to tell her to change things from her side and fix things to be ready to go again ( if she reopens the subject). Do u agree with this ?

elizaxfools · May 13, 2010, 03:46 PM

Religion can cause a lot of distress on relationships. And relationships are about working together on something, not giving up completely and walking away. As much as I hate the word time, it's something that has to take place in order to heal any newly opened wounds or scars. As for the calling thing, I would let it go for a couple of days to a week. If you call her back when she wants to talk to you, or if you pick up, you could be showing her that she's in control of the relationship when in reality, no one really should me. Like I said, it's about working together. Do what you think is right. Time will tell.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them"

Homegirl 50 · May 13, 2010, 05:09 PM

You need to leave her alone. If she calls don't pick up the phone.
As hard as it is for you, it is difficult for her as well. She may have a weak moment.
Culture and religion are hard barriers to cross. They cannot be ignored, they are a part of who one is.
The easiest thing for both of you is to move on.
Busy yourself with other things and the pain will fade.
I wish you well.