[Alty]

Fights happen, it's learning how to fight that's important in a marriage.

The next time you feel a fight coming on, tell him to walk away, write down what he's feeling, you do the same.

When you're both done writing, sit together to talk things over.

There are rules when fighting.

1. Never criticise, no matter how much you may want to pick at things that make you mad, stay calm and productive.

2. Do not raise your voice. Talk quietly and only about what's bothering you.

3. Never say things like "you are a jerk because you left the toilet seat up" say "it bothers me when you leave the toilet seat up". In other words, it's his actions, not him, that you're angry at.

4. When the issue is resolved, never bring it up again. Do not save it as ammunition for the next fight.

5. Always end the discussion (if you do it right it's not a fight, it's a discussion) with a hug.

The place were most couples go wrong is that they think that their partners actions are all to make them upset. They don't talk things through, they just sit and feel resentful. Then, when they finally mention it, they're so angry that there's no way to have a constructive discussion about it, it's just a fight.

Try it, if you follow the rules, it works. :)

[pinkangelgirl]

Thanks a lot, il try those things and see how it goes. At the moment I feel that whatever I say is wrong. My feelings and thoughts are wrong and only he is right. But il see how it goes and keep trying. Thanks again.

[Gemini54]

Thanks alot, il try those things and see how it goes. At the moment i feel that whatever i say is wrong. My feelings and thoughts are wrong and only he is right. But il see how it goes and keep trying. Thanks again.

Your feelings and thoughts are your own. There is no 'right' or 'wrong'

Remember that you're entitled to feel, and that they are YOUR feelings, not his. Gently remind him that he is not in a position to tell you what or how to feel. Allowing himself to stop judging your feelings and to stop trying to control them will free him as well as you.

However, please be realistic about how much you can take in this marriage. Understand that that no matter what you do, it may never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you try to make it better, or put up with it he may always expect and demand more.

You may need to acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and controlling he’ll be. He's a bottomless pit and his 'need' may never be filled.

Please seek counselling for yourself. It's time to take back control over your feelings, happiness and well-being and start meeting your own needs by making this choice.

[pinkangelgirl]

Your feelings and thoughts are your own. There is no 'right' or 'wrong'

Remember that you're entitled to feel, and that they are YOUR feelings, not his. Gently remind him that he is not in a position to tell you what or how to feel. Allowing himself to stop judging your feelings and to stop trying to control them will free him as well as you.

However, please be realistic about how much you can take in this marriage. Understand that that no matter what you do, it may never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you try to make it better, or put up with it he may always expect and demand more.

You may need to acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forgo your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and controlling he’ll be. He's a bottomless pit and his 'need' may never be filled.

Please seek counselling for yourself. It's time to take back control over your feelings, happiness and well-being and start meeting your own needs by making this choice.

Thanks for your advice and comments. Today I went to counseling and although we didn't talk much about my marriage, the counselor did mention that my husband should be getting some help as well. I am finding it difficult to get better and feel better with our constant problems. The counselor asked how id like to be and feel and then talked about ways of getting there, I just hope I can get there while still being in this relationship. Only time will tell.

[Alty]

Thanks for your advice and comments. Today i went to councelling and although we didnt talk much about my marriage, the councellor did mention that my husband should be getting some help as well. I am finding it difficult to get better and feel better with our constant problems. The councellor asked how id like to be and feel and then talked about ways of getting there, i just hope i can get there while still being in this relationship. Only time will tell.

I'm so proud that you've taken this step Pinky. I hope that your husband decides to do it as well, I think it would do him a world of good.

Right now concentrate on your happiness and getting back on track with what you want and need. I'm not saying that he shouldn't be included in this, but that's really up to him. Only you can change your life, your way of thinking. You can't make him change, you can only give him the opportunity and hope that he takes it.

Give it time. Focus on your healing, your well being. Hopefully the rest will fall together. :)

[Gemini54]

Thanks for your advice and comments. Today i went to councelling and although we didnt talk much about my marriage, the councellor did mention that my husband should be getting some help as well. I am finding it difficult to get better and feel better with our constant problems. The councellor asked how id like to be and feel and then talked about ways of getting there, i just hope i can get there while still being in this relationship. Only time will tell.

I'm so pleased to hear that you've taken this first step.

Please also remember that counseling is a process and you may not see immediate results. Hopefully the counselor will provide you with strategies that will assist you to feel better and be more autonomous in your marriage. If you are taking steps towards change, then your husband may do so as well. Keep in mind also that as you begin to change the dynamics, you may meet with resistance - not only from your husband but from other people in the family circle.

I totally agree with Altenweg - the focus of the counseling has to be YOU (not your husband, not your relationship) - what your husband decides to do (for better or worse) is HIS decision.

However, keep holding on to the hope that change can happen whilst you are in your marriage. It is a wonderful opportunity for self discovery and self improvement - if both of you are willing to see it as such.

[pinkangelgirl]

Hi guys, thanks for the encouragement. I know this is just the beginning but it feels good to have some guidance and hope. I don't feel so stuck anymore.