[Ames]

Hey, why not take some time out for yourself - Take the focus of her for awhile and do something you enjoy doing. Ring someone you've been meaning to catch up with for awhile and do something fun and spontaneous.. This might help the time to pass.

[tadano]

Thanks a lot Geoff, I really appreciate your advice.

I think my title for this post is a bit misleading. I'm not saying I want to manipulate her feelings or anything like that. But I do know there's something there and I'm pretty certain it could work. I just wish she would embrace it instead of pushing it away.

What I really hate is just the thought of saying "oh if it was meant to be it will be." Because that's simply untrue. This isn't a movie, and love doesn't just instantly reemerge if you don't work at it. It's just really hard to shut her out because I think by doing that I'm killing any chance of this ever working again. I know it's what I have to do. It's just really, really hard.

[Skell]

No, I know you don't want to manipulate her feelings but you are still worried about her and what she is doing, thinking etc.

Am I right?

The point I make is that she is completely out of your control so worrying about those things will get you nowhere.

What I do know will get you somewhere is worrying about yourself. And as I said Geoff makes heaps of great points so I'm glad you liked what he wrote.

And you are right. It isn't a movie. It is life. And in life you can't make people miss you.

What you can do is life is be real, act real and be who you are.

That's life mate. Its your life. So worry about it and no one else's.

[Skell]

I think my title for this post is a bit misleading. I'm not saying I want to manipulate her feelings or anything like that. But I do know there's something there and I'm pretty certain it could work. I just wish she would embrace it instead of pushing it away.

Perhaps she is pushing it away because she doesn't share your feelings that there is something there.

Just because you think there is something there doesn't mean there is. When we love someone and are finding it hard to let go we look for things that aren't in reality there at all. We fabricate things in our mind in order to make ourselves feel better. In actual fact those fabrications will only make it harder.

You have to realise now that for all intents and purposes she is gone and most probably never coming back.

So time to work on you like I have said above.

Don't worry so much about her.

Geoff will tell you. He knows! Don't you Geoff??

Trust me too. I know. Read mine and Geoffs experiences. And the many others here!!

[Nohitter410]

But if it is meant to be it is meant to be. If you too were perfect for one another, you two would still be dating. There are some strong feelings there but she needs time away so you have to move on. I am going through the same thing right now. It has only been a month but I did not contact her once during that time. She called me and said how much she misses me and was thinking about me. I will never be vindictive or rude to her but that doesn't mean I have to be at her beckon call. YOU YOU YOU!! I feel so much better about myself since the breakup. I have lost 15 lbs, starting to get into shape. Starting getting closer to my sister and my family and able to hang out with my close boys that I neglected while I was dating.

I will tell you this, I am in love with her and I am able to move on. I have no choice. She is not 100% there, I know there are other women out there and I will not just do it for a rebound. Closing yourself will only make it worse. She may be the best thing for you but she needs space and time and wants to be alone.


You said probably some pretty important info you might want to make sure you are attentive too. She said she wants you in her life and wants to call and talk. Is that fair to you to let her string you along and drag you on right now? I am not saying you need to disappear. 2 to 3 months is a great idea. I agree in terms of not being the one calling. If she calls I say you can call back in the next day or two. Be busy. She still has feelings but those will go away the more face to face talks and talking about her feelings. She wants to be alone. ONLY SHE knows how she feels and most of the time she won't tell you exactly what is going on in her head. You know this, so you need to move on enjoy life and all it has to offer and hopefully she does come back. But if she doesn't would it be the worst thing in the world that HAPPENED!! Right now it looks like it would be, but you are telling me one girl could make you want to die and kill yourself. No you don't have to like it but understand this happens to a lot of people. Just on this site, it has happened. The success stories have nothing to do with her coming back. If they do that is because you took the time to DATE YOURSELF and understand what you want in life and what makes you happy. She only makes you happy when you are able to be yourself because you know what you want and she fits perfect like a piece of a puzzle. Your life is complete but with her it makes it better.

So take Geoff's advice, read past forums and don't try to plan the future.

A good quote might help you: "You may not be able to reverse what happened in the past, but you can start your day over whenever you want. You have 24 hours to do that"

There are so many great things out there, be lucky to be alive and well. There are much worse things that could have happened to you then a break or breakup.

[rol]

<<What I really hate is just the thought of saying "oh if it was meant to be it will be." Because that's simply untrue. This isn't a movie, and love doesn't just instantly reemerge if you don't work at it. It's just really hard to shut her out because I think by doing that I'm killing any chance of this ever working again. I know it's what I have to do>>

Just think of it this way if she does not get it out of her system now , it will only come up again in a few months or years... So for now let her have her independence and please don't go into friend zone... I did the friend zone for 5 months and I think it would have been much better for both of us not to have seen each other during that time. No contact from the beginning I believe is really the best way to go.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Just think of it this way if she does not get it out of her system now , it will only come up again in a few months or years...So for now let her have her independence and please dont go into friend zone...i did the friend zone for 5 months and i think it would have been much better for both of us not to have seen each other during that time. No contact from the beginning i believe is really the best way to go.

Again, very good answer, I totally agree! Could not spread the rep rol, site would not let me again.

One thing tadano, it is very important for you to stop your focus on the idea that she may be coming back. It is very, very, hard to accept this and to follow an alternative path in your way of thinking. In all honesty, I have found this the hardest battle in my grieving process but I got some really great advice on this website from people who have been through the same thing that pointed me in the right direction. I am not saying that this alone will make you accept this, but listening to this advice and really taking time out to think about it is certainly a positive step in the right direction.

I took my thread and (might sound a bit mad) re-read it each time I was slipping back into negative thinking because this stuff really does help and puts things into perspective. It will be hard for you to see all this now because you are still at a very early stage. I completely understand.

When we love someone and are finding it hard to let go we look for things that arent in reality there at all. We fabricate things in our mind in order to make ourselves feel better. In actual fact those fabrications will only make it harder.

I like this part of Skell's post.. Perhaps you are fabricating things in your mind simply because she is gone. Are you missing her? Or missing what you had together?

I'm certainly not questioning your love for her as I am sure there were strong feelings there. One thing is for sure, you pushed her away and you need to work out what pushed her away. The only way you can begin to do this is to start the process of healing by letting go of the hope and beginning to work on yourself..

None of us are perfect, we all fall short of perfection and we all make mistakes. There is nothing wrong with this but the man or woman that recognises these mistakes and imperfections has an advantage because he or she can make improvements and make steps not to repeat mistakes.

You have to realise now that for all intensive purposes she is gone and most probably never coming back.

I don't want to come across as brutal here but this part of Skell's post is very important because you must TRY and accept this before you can begin to work on yourself. I know it's hard, it even seems impossible. I struggle with this still at times but you just must do this, for your own sake.

It will be much harder if you cling on to the hope that she will come back.

If you have any other questions or you are just feeling down and need to vent off, feel free to post at any time. This is a great support network you have discovered here and it will help you immensly.

[rol]

<<I took my thread and (might sound a bit mad) re-read it each time I was slipping back into negative thinking because this stuff really does help and puts things into perspective>>

That makes 2 of us mad ones ;-)i did the same , printed out the thread and read it each night , the first 4 weeks or so of no contact are terrible, but it gets better...

[valinors_sorrow]

I agree with you completely, and that's why I am trying to consider it over. But it's so hard not to hope.

Like Yoda said, there is do and there is do not, there is no try. I am not being flippant -- it is the truth here. If you are broken up, then it is over. I can certainly appreciate the hope you keep cooking up, the temptation to drag out the letting go by still seeing each other --its all tempering the pain of the break up. I don't think you two need to be friends to each other as much as you each need your respective friends right now though. Sooner or later you need to enter that process of grieving (which you can only do alone) because it is that which leads also to your recovery. And I believe continued contact with an ex interferes with that. Like others have said, time to focus on you, I think?

[talaniman]

Accepting the fact she wants to do something else is the first step in the healing process.

But I do know there's something there and I'm pretty certain it could work. I just wish she would embrace it instead of pushing it away.

We have no control over anyone and we can only control ourselves.

[Sentra]

No, it's not cruel at all. It is true that it could backfire if he doesn't maintain the proper perspective and understand that his tactics MIGHT not work. It's the kind of situation where, if he does what he needs to do, things might work out but if he doesn't, things definitely WON'T work out.

YES, it is. How can you say that it isn't? If she wants to miss him, she will. She might not let on missing him or not miss him at all because, guess what, she may not want him. Honesty is a pure blow to the ego on this one, but wanting to mess with her head just shows how much he wants to possess her actions and feelings for his own immoral doing. He should stop trying to control her and let things be, what must be, will be.

Let me say that if he did what he needed to do in the first place they 1) MIGHT still be together and 2) Would have let go and accepted the break up/distance from one another. It's selfish and uncalled for.

[s_cianci]

It's not a matter of head games. It's simple psychology. I'm not an expert in that field so I can't honestly say I thoroughly understand how or why it works but let me share a story with you all that'll illustrate how things work when following all the standard advice given on this forum. A number of years ago, before the technology that we now take for granted, such as caller ID, the internet, etc. became commonplace, I dated a woman, a single mother with a 2-year-old, for about 3 months. Then she broke up with me. Well I accosted her and demanded to know WHY she was breaking up with me (bad mistake, I now know) and she stated that I wasn't affectionate, too hard to get to know and other similar things. In short, she implied that I wasn't paying enough attention to her. Actually, I now know that that was the exact opposite of her real complaint as I have to admit, in retrospect, that I was very needy, clingy, wanting to be with her all the time, getting angry when she'd break a date, etc. I didn't call her every single day but several times a week and expected her to accompany me every time I went somewhere socially, etc. In other words, I didn't let her chase me, I didn't challenge her and, worst of all, I didn't give her any space whatsoever. But of course, since she gave me the exact opposite impression, I responded by being even more clingy, calling every single day, sending roses, making protestations of love ; in short, smothering her even more. Now it "worked" for about 2 weeks in that she seemingly "responded" to my overtures. After all, I was giving her what she said she wanted so how could she not? But then, she dropped a bomb on me that she was relocating about 700 miles away, stating that she "really felt it was the best thing for her and her child right now." She wouldn't say anything more, despite my badgering and wanting to know "why" and "specifics." I say "bomb" because, in the 3 months that we stayed together, she never once mentioned to me that she was considering such a move and common sense told me that one doesn't make a major life-altering decision like that on the spur of the moment. She was unemployed at the time, so it wasn't for professional reasons or anything like that. So, naturally, rightly or wrongly, that caused me to question her honesty and brand her as a bit of a hypocrite, complaining that I wouldn't open up to her, while there were obviously a lot of things she hadn't shared with me either. Anyhow, I accepted the fact at this point that it was over and, with much anger and begrudgement, decided to let it go. Now, fast forward about 2 months later. I had just crawled into bed after a full day (I did keep busy during those years, so I at least did something right lol), at about 10:30 (which was a rare luxury for me in those days, to get to bed that "early"), knowing that I had to be up at 4:45 the next morning and that my day wouldn't come to an end until after midnight the next morning, when the phone rang. Needless to say, I was more than a little annoyed and I'm sure it showed in my voice when I answered. It turned out to be this woman, of all people. I questioned her about her move, thinking she must have been making a long-distance call, and she stated that she was going to "postpone" the move for a while. She asked me if I was seeing anyone and I just replied with a (truthful), flat-out "no." Now, of course, a wiser response would have been to hesitate a little, then say something like "well, no, nothing serious anyhow." I did abruptly end the conversation as I was quite tired and wanted to get some sleep. Furthermore, my ego was still bruised from her having broken up with me so based on that I really wasn't interested in talking to her, although there was no real reason for me not to, other than that I was tired and needed some sleep. Now, about 2 weeks later, in the middle of the day, she called me again. This time, I was just sitting at home relaxing with really nothing to do. I could have easily spared some time to talk with her and should have, but instead, still feeling wounded and bruised, once again brushed her off and abruptly ended things. Well she must have gotten the "message" because she never contacted me again. Now the point in all of this is, that if I had played my cards right and not let my wounded pride get the better of me, I could have possibly gotten back with her to at least see her occasionally. Things didn't have to be completely over between us for good. The fact was, opportunity was staring me in the face and I let it slip by. But the main point is that her interest was rekindled by my becoming aloof and essentially forgetting all about her, not trying to contact her and keeping plenty busy. That made her have to chase me. And that wasn't the first or last time that I had a former love interest contact me out of the blue like that after I had written them off as gone for good. So the point is, if you want someone to miss you and have second thoughts about having let you go, you do need to become aloof and disinterested and find other things to occupy your time and not be in contact with them. Then, if they do come back, keep it on your terms ; you'll see them when you have the time. If any of their behaviors make you uncomfortable, then they either modify their behavior or you fly away.

[rol]

Can't spread the rep but nice story s_cianci

[tadano]

I wish I knew what SHE wanted. I don't even think she really knows. But when I saw her Wednesday night I mean she took my hand and kept hugging me and giving me kisses on the cheek -- does that sound like someone who doesn't still have any feelings to you? It certainly doesn't to me.

Well at any rate I called her last night not to talk, but just to tell her that listen, I know you want to be friends but you have to realize that when you call or text me or whatever you have to realize that I look at that as a hope that we'll get back together. So if that's not how you want me to see it, then don't do it. She asked if I was mad at her and I said yes, I think its hard for me to not be a little mad. At any rate she sounded very sad on the phone and then I said that's all I have to say and I hung up. I felt way better for the rest of the night, but then I woke up this morning and feel like crap again and all I want to do is see her even though I know that's the worst thing I could do. Gahh I hate this.

[rol]

NO more calls to her .its going to make you feel even worse...
I know exactly how you feel , by the false signals she's giving as in holding hands etc,I've had the same , she's confused, please just focus on YOU now and disappear...

[Geoffersonairplane]

NO more calls to her .its going to make you feel even worse.....
I know exactly how you feel , by the false signals shes giving as in holding hands etc,ive had the same , shes confused, please just focus on YOU now and disappear....

I ditto this advice..

If you keep talking to her, you are losing mate!

Not trying to make it sound like a game, because it is very much NOT a game. What I mean here is by communicating with her, you are (like you say) creating false hope for yourself and you will be losing in the path to recovery.

PLEASE, for your own sake, no more calls or any contact!

If you think you are about to do it, think twice, come on here and talk, but don't make any impulsive decisions.

[tadano]

I'm trying, I really am. I've taken to writing letters that I'll never send because it makes me feel better to get it down on paper. Calling friends helps, too.

I just feel so cheated. She says she needs space but she was always the one complaining that I didn't act interested enough. She says she needs to make her own decisions but I've never stopped her in my life. And she says she loves me but I know she doesn't. If she did, this wouldn't be happening. It's a tough thing to come to grips with. A month ago, I was having the time of my life with the girl I thought I was going to marry, and she was just as happy as I've ever seen her. And now she's gone. I don't understand it, and even when I do get over it, I still don't think I'll understand it.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I'm trying, I really am. I've taken to writing letters that I'll never send because it makes me feel better to get it down on paper. Calling friends helps, to

This is good, putting your thoughts and feelings on paper (but no sending! ), talking on here, talking to friends and family. This all helps to release these emotions, this is part of your healing and is a positive action that will help you to recover from this. Well Done!

I just feel so cheated. She says she needs space but she was always the one complaining that I didn't act interested enough. She says she needs to make her own decisions but I've never stopped her in my life.

I understand you feel cheated.. I felt like this, I still do at times..

You never stopped her from making her own decisions tadano but the relationship did. This is why she needs her space..

Sure you may have acted like you were not interested enough at times but you are analyzing what you think YOU have done rather than understanding that the very fact that she was in this relationship made her feel tied down and unable to explore her need for independence.

It may not be something you have done. It could be that she is going through a phase and needs to explore who she is, what she wants in life... When you are young (forgive me,still don't know age factor here) and in a relationship, this can prevent you from exploring these things because you simply don't have your freedom to do so.

And she says she loves me but I know she doesn't. If she did, this wouldn't be happening.

This is interesting because when you first posted, you said you knew she loved you. Now you are questioning this and saying that you know she does not love you. The thing is, you are basing this on what is happening by saying if she loved me, this would not be happening.

I suppose there is kind of some truth to this. It is true, she may not love you!!

I am sorry to bring truth home, but you have already voiced a possibility here.

However, sometimes you can love someone, yet also feel that other areas of your life need fulfillment. In this case, from what she has told you, it seems that she felt that the relationship was holding her back from exploring her independence. This is something I believe all should experience at some stage in their lives (prefereably while young) to discover who they really are.

You will not get all the answers you want and you will certainly not get them from her.

A wise person told me on this forum in one of my threads:

Do not waste time and energy trying to analyze anothers reasons for doing something. They may not know so how can you know.

This makes a lot of sense!!

You are doing well and by seeking help on here, you are already beginning your journey to freedom from this hole you temporarily feel you cannot come out of.

You must TRY and focus your mind on other things like I said before.. HARD I KNOW!!
I know how hard this is for you, I have been through this and the first few weeks are terrible, REALLY HARD!! It will get better, I don't expect you to understand everything now, I still have trouble and moments of sadness and pain, it really is a time thing...

In my first 2 weeks, I spent nearly every evening on a beach alone just thinking like you were, analyzing, playing everything over and over in my head... I could not work it out, no matter how hard I tried.

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is keep busy, occupy your mind as much as possible and surround yourself with friends and family.. This is hard too, especially in the first few weeks.. but try the best you can!

[Sentra]

s_cianci said: It's not a matter of head games. It's simple psychology.

Oxymoron alert. I am going to unsubscribe from this thread before it gets ugly.

[tadano]

Geoff -- I really appreciate all your advice, you definitely seem to know exactly what I'm going through. And yeah, I don't know if she really does love me. Well, let me rephrase that. I know that she loves me, and I know that a little part of me will always love her. But there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, and I don't know if she's still IN love with me. I'm not sure if she even knows.

I think you're absolutely right. I think it's impossible for me to figure anything out because I don't think she really knows the answers herself. I guess that's the worst part, because I feel like she's on the fence and could go either way, and all I would need is one chance that I might never get and I could instantly bring her back. I don't really like her roommates that she sees everyday -- I think they're very immature, and I think she's influenced by them a little and curious about what their "single" lives. So I just feel like now that it's out of my hands, she's intentionally making it impossible for me to fix it. And that's hard to swallow, because as little as three weeks before the breakup she was still obviously very much in love with me, and I just don't know how this happened.

I realize we're young (we both turn 22 soon) and that in the long run this will probably be for the best. But I also don't believe in fate or anything like that, and I don't believe that if it's meant to be it'll be without any help. I believe that if it's meant to be, you have to work to get it. Sometimes you have to make your own luck.

Unfortunately, I also realize there's nothing I can do other than worry about myself. It just sucks to look at her away message all the time and see her little smiley faces that used to be reserved for me. And I do believe that she's still broken up about it too, but it's still tough only seeing it from the outside and having no idea what she really thinks. (I haven't yet been able to bring myself to delete her from my buddy list.)

But at any rate, all I can do is try and make myself happy. It's so hard, but I'm trying my best.