[girlagogo]

For the best part of 2 years, I have been seeing my boyfriend most weekends, as he lives 60 miles away. To give you a bit of background: We had been living together previously in the same town for about a year and a half in what was a very intense relationship. He was, at the time, taking speed (amphetamines) but I thought he was so gregarious, funny and deeply in love with me that I guess I ignored the slightly jealous streak, the occasional 'mind games' and silly lies.

The break up was pretty bad - I suspected him of cheating on me with a woman around the corner from us, which he vehemently denied even though all the signs were there, including her answering his phone at 12.30am when I rang to find out why he was still out so late. I left, went home to live with my parents and to start a new life but he insisted on harassing me and accusing me of having a new boyfriend, even though I didn't. He also sent me abusive messages, hate mail to my parents' address and turned up at my house which he knew would upset me as I had kept him a secret from my family (they would have been devastated to know that I was going out with someone who you could say was from the 'wrong side of the tracks'.

I had also fallen pregnant by him and decided to have an abortion as it wasn't the right environment or relationship to bring up a child and I wasn't ready, but even then he didn't believe that I was, and accused me of lying to gain attention and even using a 'pretend abortion' as a reuse to getting money out of him, which hurt me so much that he could even think that I would do such a thing. However, all of his friends in his home town all sided with him as somehow he had managed to manipulate them all into thinking that I had ruined his life, made him depressed and that he was the victim.

Fast forward a year and a half. He had been emailing me occasionally and I never replied but one day I decided to. We started seeing each other again, after a long break and me believing that I had got over him and we could just be friends. I was stupid to think that we could, but even after everything that had happened, I truly believed that he was sorry for what he had done, the hurt he had caused, particularly as he had broken down and cried which I had never really seen him do before. He had (and still is) on antidepressants and olanzapine, from the previous drug taking and subsequent mental breakdown that he had suffered when we were together so in some ways, I felt that his condition was to blame for his behaviour, although you reading this might think differently?

Anyway, for the last 2 years since we started seeing each other at weekends, my boyfriend had constantly stressed his desire to live with me again, even though I didn't want to go down that road. Our friends and family on both sides have not known what we have been doing - for me it is the shame of people finding out that I have let him back in and for him, it is probably the embarrassment of his friends or family finding out that he is still seeing me after everything he had said about me. So we have seen each other secretly. I have visited him at home (he rents) although nobody he knows (apart from his sisters) knows where he lives so they can't visit him and I guess discover me. He keeps talking about us getting somewhere to live together but I really don't understand why? He can't live in his home town with me for obvious reasons and I can't live in my home town with him for the same reasons. He never comes up to visit me or meet me halfway. I always drive to see and stay with him and when I do, he never wants to go out but says that he has eBay business to do on his computer, even though when I ring him in the week he always seems to be in the car, or at a friends house. When I have objected and complained that we never go anyway or do anything together he gets angry. What was once a person who wanted to be with me all the time and talk to me has now become distant, critical and argumentative. This has been happening over the last few months and I suspected he has been seeing another woman. Times I have phoned, he is again at 'a friends' at night, or can't speak for more than 30 seconds or is driving even though it's clear that he isn't. The strangest behaviour has started when I was off for a week and came to stay with him in the week. He had said that I could stay as long as I wanted yet after 2 days of me being there became agitated when he was going out to do stuff and didn't want me to come. He even locked me in the house because his opinion was that I would go off to the shop whilst he was out and leave the flat unattended to be burgled, yet I couldn't understand why he just couldn't lend me the key? I could have gone out the front door (it's a yale lock) but it would have meant I would be leaving his inner door unlocked which I obviously wouldn't do and leave the flat unsecure.
Today, I went up to see him again (he keeps saying we need to get somewhere to live as he can't stand his flatmates), but he was angry that I had just, as he put it, 'sneaked up' on him because I don't trust him (the fact is, I don't as he is acting weird). Then got angry and said he had to go out as he had so much to do. I reminded him that he had said to come up when I wanted and I was welcome to stay, but he angrily shouted, 'what can you do here? I have things to do and I don't want you following me around. You can either stay in the house or go home'. When I told him that it was OK, I'd go to the internet café he wanted to know for how long and what I intended to do next. He also said that if I saw anyone he knew that I wasn't to dare tell them that I had seen him or tell them where he lived.

I'm so confused. On the one hand he professes his undying love for me - even when I have ignored him for a week and said I have had enough of him he says how much he misses me and wants to be with me and accuses me of seeing someone else when I haven't. When I have mentioned that I need to rent with someone and move out of my parents as I need my independence again (I'm 32 now, he's 48) he tells me to wait and we should get a place together, that it's not bad. On the other hand, when I do take my time to travel over 50 miles to see him, he is distant moody and critical, even worse when I see him outside of the weekend. Yet to everyone else he is the perfect friend, going out of his way to do favours for other people and being this friendly, warm person. He even accuses me of ruining his weekend or expecting him to 'entertain' me, which is untrue. I just expect some respect and acknowledgement for being there, is that too much to ask? I don't feel as though I can ring him as when I do he says that I'm ringing too much, but when I don't, he doesn't call for days, preferring to just text occasionally which I don't think forms a good basis for communication in a relationship. I feel as though I am making all the effort and that he says one thing but does something else. I am in a complete some state of limbo, not knowing where I stand and not being able to move on with my life. Can anyone please shed light on what the hell is going on with this guy?

[amicon]

No I can't begin to even try to understand what's going on with this man. There are too many seriously red flags flying!
He s done or is possibly still doing drugs, he cheats, he locks you in the house and you can't tell your family that you re in a relationship with him.
Which is a place you shouldn't be.
Leave him ,walk away and reclaim your life.

[talaniman]

Give up this secret whatever it is and get this guy all the way out of your life forever.

I don't even understand what your trying to accomplish.

[Justwantfair]

I don't really understand the confusion... what if he has 'undying love' for you?

You are too ashamed to tell your family/friends about your relationship.
He is too ashamed to tell his family/friends about the relationship.
Your relationship was abusive and dysfunctional previously and continues to be.
You don't see a future with him.
Don't want children with him.

If you were to weight the good/bad of this relationship, you have his claim of 'undying love' vs. all of his behaviors and actions... it's a pretty weighted scale.

[girlagogo]

You're all completely right and I know it. I am not getting into contact with him now but it's ridiculous. Even after the way he's treated me all I'm feeling now is sick, hurt and depressed. I feel so cheated and also completely alone as no-one knows what I am/have been going through. This makes it so much more difficult to deal with.

I broke up with him before but got sucked in again. Right now is the lowest I've felt for years, on top of leaving my job a few weeks ago because I couldn't deal with stuff. I don't have anything positive going for me at all...

[amicon]

What you DO have is yourself.
Even though you feel low now you have a chance to build a whole new happier life.
Find not what you d really like to do,what job s there are that would make you happy
If you really have no one to talk to maybe you could see a counsellor to get things off your chest and to start building up your selfesteem.

[talaniman]

Start with getting a job, and staying away from the ex. Focus, so you can get something positive going for yourself.

[mdoli]

You really need to get out of this mess. Get that change of life that you wanted as mentioned earlier in your story. He's a grown man and has lots of issues that he himself needs to get straightened out. However it is effecting you and it's not fair to you, let this go and get what you deserve in life truly.

[emopunk7]

Right now you have to put yourself first as this is taking its toll on you. Sometimes we just have to be selfish. Move on.

[Starry nights]

This relationship seems to be driving you nuts,is going around in circles and just occupying your life for the past so many years.You aren't getting any happiness out of it,only confusion,doubts and despair.

Why carry on with it?The reasons you gave for not carrying on outweigh those of staying.Be good to yourself and save yourself more pain.Walk out and never look back.Not even when he cries or begs you to take him back.You've seen it for yourself.Its just going to be a repeat show.

You will survive better without him.

[destiny09]

The way you describe your relationship is that he is all you have in your life... trust me its NOT. He would like it that way by the sounds of it and it would be the biggest mistake and a nightmare if you lived with him.

You canbuild a life away from him, start seeing friends again and doing stuff on your own, enjoy your own company. There is so much more out there than what you have with him.

And if your thinking he will change and be Mr Perfect or that he is someone you can cure you are again VERY wrong. He is what he is, you don't want that, I doubt anyone else would put up with that either so why should you.