[lucytwo2]

I just need a little input from people on what they think.I'll start at the beginning.My husband and I have been together for 16 years,married for 13 years.We were an item.We were so close that I really did believe that I found my soul mate and I just loved him so much.I felt he loved me and we always had sex at least once a day for the first 11 years.He was so turned on by me and vise-versa.Well needless to say he had an affair 5 years ago and I knew emotionally that he was having the affair because the sex started to decrease.(He said he had the affair because he thought I was having one which was ridiculous because we were together 24/7,we worked at the same place and drove to work together).Ever since then we have sex maybe once every 6 months now.He says he still loves me and I told him that I still love him but I'm just not "In Love" with him,like I use to be.But I don't ever turn him down.Maybe I just expect too much from him,or maybe he has a medical problem or maybe its just old age and not interested any more.I'm 7 years older then him and he just turned 50.I keep myself in good shape and everyone thinks I'm only about 43 not 56.What is going on?

[I wish]

For starters, he had an affair, which has really shaken the trust in the relationship. He just accused you of having an affair to cover up himself. His feelings for you have definitely changed and he's just sticking around for comfort.
As for you, I'm not sure what you expect from him, because he's already chatted on you. Who knows if he's still cheating. It also sounds like he's not even sorry about it. It sounds like he hasn't done anything to earn back your trust and faith in him.

Things seem like they are just going downhill, but both of you are just hanging on a thread.

If you feel that there's no progress in repairing your marriage, then the first step would be to go into marriage counselling.

Eventually, and I hope that doesn't happen, you might have to consider a divorce if he doesn't make any progress or put any effort.

[jmjoseph]

My opinion, as a regular 'ol guy, is that the marriage is damaged, but not broken. The trust has been compromised. How are the other everyday things going? Is he respectful, loving, considerate? Does he still treat you like you are the most important person in the world? At 43, things down below have a tendency to slow a bit. His testosterone could be low, it could be several things.They have "magic" pills to fix that though. Either way, you two should talk, seek counseling, go on a romantic vacation. It's been five years since the affair. If you've been forgiving enough to give him a second chance (HUGE I might say), then you should try repairations. He should be the one who's looking for the answers to healing this marriage in my mind. Talk him into going to the doctor for a check-up, and get on with your lives. GOD bless you and good luck.

[talaniman]

What do you mean you never turn him down? So he does initiate things? Do you get turned down when you initiate sex?

What kind of physical shape is he in??

How is the rest of the relationship?

[JoeCanada76]

So many questions.

[Gemini54]

It sounds to me like you need to go back to the affair and work forward. There is probably a whole lot of stuff that has remained unspoken and which needs to come out into the open. What happened 5 years ago that led to the affair? What has happened since?(Sorry to ask more questions.)

Your perception of the connection between you was clearly not the same as your husband's otherwise why would he have had the affair? And why would he use the lame excuse that you were having one to justify his own affair? It all sounds rather odd to me.

I suspect that the affair has driven a wedge between you so that the emotional and sexual connection has been lost. You've just both turned yourselves off, and it's easier to stay that way, rather than to try and revitalize the old spark.

In my experience, men's libido at 50 doesn't diminish that much - especially if they are fit and healthy. Fifty is still young and despite what younger posters may think, most men are still interested in sex and are sexually active into their fifties and sixties.

If both of you are interested in rebuilding the relationship then perhaps counselling is your best option - that way you can discuss what you're feeling and what has happened with an objective third party. In any case, regardless of what happens in the future, you will hopefully, have an understanding of what happened in the past.

[talaniman]

Its pretty hard to be happy with each other, when your not happy with yourselves. I agree with Gemini, you haven't worked through those old feelings of resentments, rejections, and guilt also, together.

Maybe a trusted, or professional third party (marriage counselor) can guide you through the process of forgiveness, and teach you to communicate, and heal from old wounds.

Not having sex, is but a symptom of a greater issue that needs to be resolved, but you first have to identify it.

[topkay]

Study him to find out if he is not into another extra-marital affair. Please do this without accusing him of anything until you have a proof. You need to identify the root cause of this problem so as to address the problem directly.

[lucytwo2]

He knows how I feel about things and him.He still does care because he will do things for me around the house or stop at the store if I ask him to.I won't initiate the sex because I never did and its just like our relationshio went from day to night.It's just hard to believe that for someone to be so turned on to me and now it's like I have the plague.Like I said he told me he had the affair because he thought I was.Which I wasn't.He said he did it to get back at me.He is very jealous by the way.I just don't know what to do and divorce is not the answer.I do love him and I want to stay with him.

[talaniman]

I won't initiate the sex because I never did and its just like our relationship went from day to night

Given what you have both been through, you may have to change your stance a bit, as the dynamics have changed. Please consider, if your having sex when he initiates it, and only then, what's the message your sending?

Maybe that's why he had the affair, or thought to himself that you were. Maybe he needs to be wanted? How does he know YOU want sex if you never initiated it?

If my wife never initiated sex, I would not only be suspicious, but resentful.

As a wife, should you at least let your husband know when you want some lovin'?

Why have you never initiated sex? If you haven't how is he supposed to know that you that's what you want?

I am so confused

But I don't ever turn him down.

Has he ever turned you down? Oh that's right, you have NEVER initiated sex before.

Maybe I just expect too much from him,or maybe he has a medical problem

That could well be at 50, between his mid life crisis thing we men go through, and just getting older, he may not be the man he was, especially when his wife acts like she doesn't physically want him.

Just things to consider when you think about the adjustments, you can make for a better marriage.

[lucytwo2]

I never had to initiate sex because we always had sex every night.It was the thing to do just like eating supper.He wnted it and I wanted it so I didn't need to initiate it.We just always had sex every night.Thats what I don't understand.How could he change so much.He knew how much I enjoyed it and he did satisfy my and I let him know it.I didn't just lay there with no emotion like a corpse and he said I always satisfied him.We were always trying something different and it was always getting better.So how can I urn him on for 9 years and then he's not turned on? Doesn't make sense.And he knows I want it because I let him know how many weeks its been.He just always seems to have an excuse or he'll pretend to fall asleep on the couch,so I just go to bed for the night.About 10 minutes later I hear him up and in the kitchen or changing the channel on the TV,or letting the dog out.He just avoids me.

[talaniman]

Makes some adjustments, he chased you for all those years, and you can't chase him? Darn woman, things have changed, he ain't no frisky pup anymore, geez.

I assume you have talked about this. What did he say is the problem??

[Gemini54]

I never had to initiate sex because we always had sex everynight.It was the thing to do just like eating supper.He wnted it and I wanted it so I didnt need to initiate it.We just always had sex everynight.Thats what I dont understand.How could he change so much.He knew how much I enjoyed it and he did satisfy my and I let him know it.I didnt just lay there with no emotion like a corpse and he said I always satisfied him.We were always trying something different and it was always getting better.So how can I urn him on for 9 years and then he's not turned on? Doesnt make sense.And he knows I want it because I let him know how many weeks its been.He just always seems to have an excuse or he'll pretend to fall asleep on the couch,so I just go to bed for the night.About 10 minutes later I hear him up and in the kitchen or changing the channel on the tv,or letting the dog out.He just avoids me.

Er, talk to him. If things were so good between you there must be some dialogue left - speak to him, let him know how you feel. He's your partner isn't he? Tell him that you love him and you're concerned.

[Jake2008]

He had a pretty flimsy excuse for the affair.

Are you sure he isn't having another one? Are you suspicious of that?

[N0help4u]

You need to either get to the root of the problem or get him to a marriage counsellor and or doctor to see if the problem is physical or mental or his libido or the fact that maybe he just isn't turned on by you any more.

[lucytwo2]

When I feel that things are going right and I think maybe we'll have sex tonight by the time I get out of the shower he's sleeping on the couch.Or pretending to sleep.I have told him how I feel and I don't get an answer.I might also add that in the first10 years he WAS the breadwinner and now I make almost double what he makes and I think he might be jealous of that.

[jmjoseph]

When I feel that things are going right and I think maybe we'll have sex tonight by the time I get out of the shower he's sleeping on the couch.Or pretending to sleep.I have told him how I feel and I dont get an answer.I might also add that in the first10 years he WAS the breadwinner and now I make almost double what he makes and I think he might be jealous of that.

Sometimes the money issue can take the wind out of a man's sail, but it could be something medical. Have you talked to him yet concerning the doctor? You really should, guys our age need a good physical anyway.

Maybe you could wear something that's irresistible, meet him at the door naked, take your pick of something that you know that he can't turn down. But talk to him first.

Good luck getting you some "loving".

[lucytwo2]

Lingerie was always the way to go for us.That doesn't seem to help either.I'm just scared that he's having an affair because this is the way it went before.I tried so hard the last time and I told him then that I would not stand for it and if he ever did it again that he would be out,kicked to the curb.I said it but I didn't think he would be so stupid to actually do it again.He knows what it did to me emotionally and I have respect for myself as to not put up with it.But the last time I was rejected time and time again and I told him I was not going to chase after him.

[N0help4u]

Are there any signs that make you think he may be having an affair like 'sneaking off' when his cell phone rings, spending accessive time on the computer and being secretive about it, disappearing and having unaccounted for time?

[lucytwo2]

Its hard to tell.I work 2 jobs and don't see him a lot of the time.But when I do get home he is there.I just get the feeling here we go again.But why would he take the chance ?