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lola64 · Apr 7, 2009, 04:33 AM

Hi Everyone,
I have a question.. I've recently started seeing a guy who seemed great. He's nice, attentive, mannerly, very affectionate.. however in the last few weeks I've been noticing some things that have me questioning where this could be leading, and if these are controlling red flags or things I am creating myself..
He doesn't drink. I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with that, however if I have a drink, he acts quiet and slightly moody. I've talked with him about it, and he says that I should respect his views. I DO respect his opinions, but they are HIS opinions, and I am not a sloppy beligerent drunk here.. I'm talking one glass of wine with dinner the odd time.
Same goes for coffee.
I feel I am isolating myself from friends because I should be spending more time with him.. he supports me and doesn't say NOT to go out with friends, (and I include him, but he's an intravert) but I definitely have the feeling that he's watching the clock if I go for a coffee with them for a couple hours. Again, it's not that he's SAYING I can't do this or that, but I definitely get the vibe from him once I DO this or that...
He moved here quickly to be with me.. I told him not to uproot his life so much so quickly, but he said he had to take a chance to do it, to know. That alone I think might be a flag.
Any first opinions? Many thanks.. I need to decide if this is worth it or not.

CallMeBel · Apr 7, 2009, 08:55 AM

Sounds like this guy has some insecurity issues.
Do you know the reason he doesn't like you drinking, even one glass of wine? Is it a religious thing, or did he maybe grow up in an alcoholic household?

As far as you going out with friends, he probably feels lonely, it sounds like maybe he moved to be with you? He may just feel like he has no one he can talk to but you.

artlady · Apr 7, 2009, 09:15 AM

Yes,there are red flags.

One being his willingness to uproot himself for what I suspect was an internet relationship. (?)
Stand your ground on issues that are important and be sure to keep communication open and honest.

Is he a recovering alcoholic?

Protect yourself emotionally and be aware of his sulking behavior,that could turn into manipulation very easily.Otherwise know as passive aggressive personality disorder.

I think your wariness is justified and I would be as well.

nikosmom · Apr 7, 2009, 09:40 AM

It does sound a bit controlling. Maybe he feels you "owe" him since he moved to be near you. But that in no way justifies his behavior. You are entitled to maintain your life and doing things you enjoy. He should only step in if he feels that your behavior are destructive. In this case an occasional drink doesn't qualify.

It sounds like you need to ask him why he reacts the way he does in order to determine if it's a situation you want to stay with.

lola64 · Apr 7, 2009, 10:06 AM

Thanks everyone- now to add a bit more:
We met a couple of years ago with work, and stayed in touch via internet for a year and a bit. There were a few things that flagged me from the get go (would get a little skittish if I took too long to answer texts... would say things like 'well I guess you're too busy or have better things to do'), but I was very into him as well and decided to give it a try when he said he would come stay for awhile (2 months). He is european and does come from a different culture. I have visited his family and seen where he's from, so I am familiar with his background. He is not a recovering alcoholic so far as I know: he is religious but the alcohol is not a factor of that either. When asked about it, he simply states "I think people that drink (or drink coffee) are weak and dependent". Again, entitled to his opinion. Red flag? Unsure.
In my culture (kinda Irish), it's social to drink a little (or a lot, depends on the crowd). I am not so into it that I can't live without it, but it's the PREMISE of someone hinting on me having to change my core values to accommodate theirs that is howling whistles at me here. If it starts with this, what comes next?
I am a fiercely independent person.. but I know how to share my life with someone (lived with my last B.f. for 4 yrs), and to maintain a proper healthy balance. I'm sure this guy is great, but I think there might be a few too many differences that keep us butting heads (we argue pretty regularly.. usually due to language constraints even though he is completely bilingual). I find he is negative and pessimistic in so many ways and I am just not used to that way of thinking. I love life and want to be optimistic (no matter what negativity comes my way) but it is becoming difficult. I have fallen for this guy, and invested a lot of hope in this.. however I want to call it before it goes any farther if this is indeed controlling behaviour or manipulation on his part.
Thanks again for further responses... cheers! :P

lola64 · Apr 7, 2009, 10:14 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

Yes,there are red flags.

One being his willingness to uproot himself for what I suspect was an internet relationship. (?)
Stand your ground on issues that are important and be sure to keep communication open and honest.

Is he a recovering alcoholic?

Protect yourself emotionally and be aware of his sulking behavior,that could turn into manipulation very easily.Otherwise know as passive aggressive personality disorder.

I think your wariness is justified and I would be as well.

THANK YOU! You nailed it here.. I looked up passive aggressive personalities and he shows several of these signs... Passive-Aggressive Traits...

Including... fear of intimacy, of dependency and of making himself the victim all the time..

So now what? Do you run or deal? And if you stay, does anything change? Never dealt with something like this before so soon!
Thanks!

Wondergirl · Apr 7, 2009, 10:20 AM

What's not to understand about "well I guess you're too busy or have better things to do" (i.e. "You are too busy to spend time with me"--poor me) or "I think people that drink (or drink coffee) are weak and dependent" (i.e. You are weak and dependent").

I'm guessing you are going to spend a lot of time shoring up this man while allowing yourself to be less than you are.

lola64 · Apr 7, 2009, 10:37 AM

I appreciate that answer wondergirl- but I'm only maybe 2 months into this with him and have never experienced this kind of behaviour before!
I just wanted people's opinions that may have seen this before- to make sure it's not me being paranoid but it is indeed the formulation of some strange destructive future behaviour..
Thanks!

vippy · Oct 30, 2011, 12:54 PM

Hi

Personally, I would get a history on this guy with previous relationships, if he is watching the clock and so forth, I feel that this is a form of posessiveness, and it will get worse. If he is imposing his views on your drinking is that a cultural thing, or again, is he trying to be the boss. These are tiny little seeds that can potentially rise into something worse in the future. You should never be isolated from your friends or family. Him moving into your life so quickly is worrying. If you want to drink you drink, if you want to see your friends you see them. If he doesn't like it, you take control of the situation if her reacts in a nasty or aggressive way. Then walk away from him. My question to you, do you have self esteem issues and feel that this is the best its going to get. Be alone and single and wait for the right guy. Relationships are a serious part of life, and the wrong one can have devastating effects. I hope this helps..