[MsJulia]

I'm 27 years old, and I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now (he's 28). The first few months we were together, he was the sweetest and most charming man ever! (but isn't every guy that way at first?)

He's been taking on a few extra projects for work the past 4-5 months (he could use the extra cash), but it has been taking A LOT of quality time away from us. When I go over to his house, he stays on the computer ALL night working on projects (he's a graphic/web designer). I don't remember the last time I fell asleep with him laying next to me. It's gotten to the point where we only see each other on weekends now, and even then, he still has "work" to do on his computer, so I'll just lay on his bed watching TV (and the back of his head) while he's doing his work. And, we only have casual 15 minute sex once a week (if I'm lucky).

Because I know he's working, I understand that he's spending all this time on the computer, but I've told him kindly several times that he should try to make more time for "us", and that intimacy and quality time together is important to making a relationship last. So he'll make time for me for a night, then go back to his "work" on the computer.

This is how our coversations have become lately:

Me- I need to talk to you.

Him- About what?

Me- I need to talk to you about the way I'm feeling. I feel like you don't care to make enough time for "us" anymore. Why don't you treat me like you used to? It seems like you've changed.

Him- You're the one who's changed. You don't treat me like I deserve, so why should I treat you any better? All you do is complain about everything. You imagine things and then want to discuss them.

Me- I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about standing up for myself and speaking my mind, you're manipulating my words.

Him- You're imaging things. Go make yourself happy, then come talk to me.

Me- I'm happy, but I'm just not happy with the way our relationship is going. I'm trying to communicate with you so we can make things better.

Him - I'm fine, you're the one who isn't happy!

Me- Then why won't you try to make "us" happy? (make some time for "us")

Him- I am trying, you just won't allow yourself to be happy!

Me- Why are you always blaming everything on me?

Him- because it is you, you're the one who is always starting stuff, you're the one who is always bringing this and that up! I don't come at you with anything. There is nothing going on, you just don't want to be happy!


From there, he will start calling me names like b*tch, stupid, psycho, emotional, pessimistic, etc, and tell me to "shut the **** up" at the top of his lungs. I admit, I have slapped him for saying those hurtful words to me, then he bites me even harder by shoving me and tackling me to the ground (but not hitting me). Nevertheless, I start crying, because I'm hurt and confused. Then he'll tell me that he wants to be alone so he can have some peace and quite. Once he gets his alone time, he'll talk to me the next day as if nothing happened.

These are the type of conversations I deal with when I try to talk to him about problems. This is so painful, I feel like I can't talk to him about anything. I'm hoping he will go back to being the sweet man he used to be when I fell in love with him. That's the only thing that's keeping me here with him.


Am I doing anything wrong? Is it not right of me to want to spend quality time with him (preferably more than once or twice a week)? Should I handle the situation differently? Should I just leave him? I don't want to lose him, but is there any hope of rekindling this relationship?

:confused:

[MsJulia]

I just want to add that I know this sounds selfish of me (to want all this quality time with him when he has work to do), but he is taking all these extra projects by choice.

On the same note, and free time he has on the weekends, we go party with his friends. Although that's not what I necessarily want to do, I'll take whatever I can get from him. :(

[MarkwithaK]

I had a similar situation about 3 years ago... except it turned out she was, supposedly, bi-polar.

[Bural21]

I had a boyfriend like that - things only continued to get worse. All we'd do is have sex then fight. Eventually he started physically abusing me. I couldn't tolerate it, and he made it hard to leave. I moved 3500 miles away from him. [Not on purpose, for family and educational reasons]. And now things are going great for me, without his sh*t.

[ISneezeFunny]

Could he be going through something right now? Something personal? Granted, I'm not making any excuses for him, but when someone gets stressed about something, a girlfriend "nagging" (not saying you are... just saying, in general) may make matters worse.

As far as the quality time thing, take some time off. Let each other cool off, and see what that does to him. If he comes running back to you, then take it slowly. If he doesn't... well, you and I both know what to do then.

As far as the verbal abuse, tell him you don't appreciate it. Obviously don't do this while you guys are yelling at one another, but when things are cooled off, tell him calmly. Verbal abuse is one step away from physical abuse, so in MY suggestion, I suggest you just leave, as you deserve better.

[MsJulia]

Thanks for the replies!

My situation is kind of complicated. I hope I made sense in my original post. And I hope I didn't make my BF sound like a monster (because he is sweet when he's not "mad" at me).

[ISneezeFunny]

I'm sure he is sweet when he's not mad at you... but the thing is, even when he IS mad at you, he has to learn to control his anger, maybe take some time off, or communicate with you properly, not lash out. We're all human, and we lash out at others when angry, but especially in a relationship, one must learn to communicate the anger.

[AmExp]

Red Flag... YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU. I have not heard one thing he did wrong. He has totally blamed the relationship issues on you. I have been there and done that. I cannot tell you how emotionally draining this situation is. You try so hard to make your partner happy, but this will only get worse. So he has a lot on his plate at work, that is not a reason to be abusive. Address this now, run, or stay in it and prepare for the worst to come.

[talaniman]

Am I doing anything wrong?

Yes, your depending on him much to much, even though though he has a job and career and you have said you need the money. Let the guy work.

Is it not right of me to want to spend quality time with him
(preferably more than once or twice a week)?

Nothing wrong with wanting, but the way your going about it doesn't work very well does it?? Some times the circumstances are temporary and we just have to get thru it the best we can. Twice a week now may be more later.

Should I handle the situation differently?

I think you would be much better served by doing things you like, and enjoy by yourself, and balance the time you spend with other things. Thats got to be better than whining about how busy he is, and how much more attention you need.

Should I just leave him? I don't want to lose him, but is there any hope of rekindling this relationship?

Its only been a year, and your both still learning about each other and yourselves. Yes this may be a preview of things to come and could be the pattern of your future, but you are at the point where seriously working together so you can both be happy is the goal.

For now you really need to back off or set some more respectful, boundaries of behavior, as if continues as it is, you may as well leave.

He is already with the name-calling, instead of discussing?? A sure sign of lack of talking, and listening, to each other.

[breathless1]

Hello

I may be late in responding but my advice is this.

Take some time off immediately.

Don't call, don't visit don't write texts, don't make any contact. If he regrets that you do this he will contact you. It's the only way to see if he really cares so don't be surprised if you do this and he acts like nothings happened.

The problems indicate a break down of communication.

You have obviously expressed your side but there is always another side to the story. We would have to see it from his perspective.

Ask yourself if you see anything from his point of life. If you are expecting too much from him at this time then it is time to back off.

On the other hand, if you are not really suited to each other and incompatible then I suggest you seriously evaluate the relationship and value you are receiving.

[Chery]

You're right, during the chase guys act a little differently.

But, his working while you are there, and being verbally abusive does not sound as if he respects your opinion or feelings at all. IMO, he is totally into himself and just wants a warm body around in case he has a few minutes time to get away from his computer. That is selfish. I don't know how he was brought up, but I think he has a lot to learn about communicating in a relationship without putting all the blame on his partner.

You are not doing anything wrong, it's just that he probably feels that 'women should be seen and not heard' and only he can change that.

So, I'd suggest you take some time out and distance yourself from him to make him miss you and see the benefits in having someone care for him enough to want quality time - he needs to learn this.

Do you know how his previous relationships 'functioned'? Ask him what he expects out of a partnership. He could be a sweet guy, but he surely does not know how to continue working on a relationship after the chase - it's a pattern that he has to change within himself, and only he can do it if he realizes that there is more to communicating than lashing out when you have no idea of what to do next.

Taking you out with his friends just shows me that he likes to 'display' what he has - a trophy -so to speak, and wants to be admired for it - again all self-serving, as he knows that you'd rather be alone and spend that quality time just with him.

As Tal suggested, take some time out for yourself, enjoy life and let him wonder where the 'fault' really lies, surely not with you dear.

Good luck, no matter which way this goes, you deserve to be treated with respect and receive some warmth and harmony.

Stay with us and let us know how it goes.

[breathless1]

- also, I had a relationsghip like that where he would just start calling me names and getting angry and verbally abusive.

He had serious problems including anger and personal history and would apologise in the end - but had to recognise it first otyerwise there's nothing you can do at all. If its his character don't expect to change him at all.

[MsJulia]

Hey everyone,

I truly appreciate all your replies and advice. :)It's helped me a lot the past couple days... reading this forum, and looking up other facts about verbally abusive relationships.

I haven't spoken to him since Sunday night, after we got into a big argument (it's Tuesday evening now). He has tried contacting me a few times to tell me he is deeply sorry. I haven't replied or called him back yet. I don't know what to say to him if I call him back. "Yes, I forgive you"? What am I supposed to do, forgive him and make him promise he'll never do it again? (even though this has happened several times already?)


I think this time, he finally recognizes that he has anger problems, and he doesn't want to be that person. But if the person has anger problems, what are the chances of them ever being "normal"?

[MarkwithaK]

In reality? Slim to none. He may change for bit because it is what he has to do to keep you. Eventually this will start all over again.

[MsJulia]

Do you know how his previous relationships 'functioned'?

A couple months after we met, we had the talk about how our previous relationships were. Him and his ex used to live together for 6 years, and they never had a fight throughout their relationship, until the last 2 years they were together. He told me they would argue a lot towards the end of their relationsip. He said he wanted to leave her, but she wouldn't let him go. He would try to leave their house after a fight, but she would literally get on her knee's, grab his feet and hold him down so he wouldn't be able to leave the house. He told me that he would have to wrestle her off sometimes.

When he told me these stories, he made himself sound like the victim. He made me think that she was the crazy one that started fights with him. I was thinking what lady who respects herself would get down on the floor and grab her guys legs so he wouldn't be able to leave?? He told me he never wanted to be in that type of relationship again.

Now, I'm realizing that perhaps it was him who provoked her to do all these things, and that he actually wasn't the victim.

[Watchthehair]

I'd been through the same situation, the guy side that is. He's just stress over work. Give him time, stop contacting him till the project is over.

[MarkwithaK]

Comparing the relationship you have with this person to the relationship they had with someone else is a migraine waiting to happen. It's like comparing apples to automatic transmissions.

[Kati-Katt]

That's very unfair of him to turn things on you to make you feel the guilt he created, if you mean less then his "computer work" then you probably shouldn't be with him and he is most certianly not worth your tears.

[MsJulia]

What should I do at this point now everyone??


He has been calling and emailing me. Should I call him back today??

What should I say when I call him??


Help!

[breathless1]

Behave like a grown adult.
Do not give in to any feelings of guilt or pressure and do not let him just 'have his way'.

Take a deep step back and reflect over the issue.

Are you both compatible, is this relationship going to last or lead to marriage, is he going to change, are you going to allow the behaviour or ever see him through another perspective, are you afraid he'll not let you go...

Way up all of the above and be careful of the decision you make please.

If you contact him no matter what you say the fact is that you have given him your attention which is the 'OK' - SIGN'.

I would say just leave it alone for a very long time and if he keeps contacting you say an emphatic NO unless you are willing to undergo the same circumstances again.

All the best.