[jambourrie]

Good evening.

I really am not sure quite where to begin here, because there are so many facets to my story.

Over the last couple of years, I was informed that my Dad, who I grew up with, was potentially not my biological father. As time went by, it was proven that he in fact was not. I went and had a DNA test with the gentleman who was presumed to potentially be my biological father.

I went for this DNA test because I genuinely (and after a lot of thought, like 6 months worth) felt like I wanted to know. I never had a really close relationship with my Dad, and I didn't really figure that it would harm anything. I thought that if the results were shocking, and this new guy was my father... well... I don't know... I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I wasn't really terrified of this bridge, because the man in question is a very supportive and kind individual, who made sure that the entire process was led by me.

It was suggested by a few people that we keep this information from my Dad, because he needn't know. HIm and my Mom are divorced by the way, and have been for a great many years (I am 29 years old, and they divorced when I was in Grade 8). I decided that was a horrible idea. I don't think keeping this kind of truth from someone is appropriate - so I asked my Mom to tell him. I thought it was her responsibility, and she agreed and she told him. She explained to me that when they met, and she told him the story he said "well, this won't really change much, because she is my family, and I don't see her any differently".

Which was a lie, because he has not been in contact since. He has said some hurtful things about me to people (like my own brother) and showed no interest when, at the beginning of all of this, I appealed to him to at least talk to me, or answer me with a letter (I wrote to him, and I called him many times, but after about a year, I had to just stop, because it was breaking my heart) - as much as I wasn't close with the man - it hurt me to know that all I really was growing up was a financial burden essentially.

Anyway... through this all I have defiantly said that he is the one who is worse off for not knowing me or my children or being a part of my life. I do feel that way... I think that he is very immature and doesn't have much clue about emotions or feelings (his parents are horrific people) - and he has chosen the easy way out.

I have written a letter explaining that the ball is in court and that I have never chosen to stop loving him or stop considering him my Dad (now I call him my x-dad... since I heard about things he said) - but he never chose to contact me or even show acknowledgement.

Why does this bother me so much still? I keep feeling like I want to confront him face to face... but Im scared to death about that. My biological father very much wants to be a part of my life... and that is great - but I can't put him into a fatherly place from my standpoint - I see him more as a family friend (he loves his grand kids, and they are a big part in one anothers lives) - thing is, I don't live close to EITHER of these people.

Its hard to feel the way I do, without feeling kind of stupid for wanting him to acknowledge my existence.

[jjwoodhull]

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. The bottom line is that the man that raised you is your Dad, if not your biological father. I am not making excuses for him, but he was probably shocked and hurt to find out that 1. He is not your father and 2. You were having a DNA test with another man.

Maybe he wishes that you had spoken with him instead of having your mother speak with him. Maybe he is upset because you went ahead with the DNA test before talking to him.

You need to find a way to speak with him either by phone or in person. Your information about what he has said is coming from your mother and your brother when this should be strictly between you and him.

Any way you look at it, he does not have any reason to not speak to you - which leads me to believe that there has been some kind of misunderstanding as a result of other people passing on messages. Call him or go see him and get to the bottom of it. The worst thing that can happen is that he truly doesn't want you in his life. At least you will be know and be able to find a way to move forward from there.

Good luck!

[jambourrie]

What my issue is, is trying to find the way forward - KNOWING full well that this man wants nothing more to do with me.

All the while, trying not to let that fact effect me.

In all honesty, I think 1.5 years of phone calls and two times showing up at his house (which I have to board a plane to get to, and made a poitn of doing with my small child) - and letters, and cards, and trying to make peace.

I do realise he hurt, and was shocked - the thing is, Im done thinking of that aspect of it. I can't commit to him, years of teetering on the edge of wondering if I have to do more to earn him back in my life. If he was SO willing to drop ALL contact with me for SO long - then I kind of feel that is his problem.

I think I need counselling again.

Cheers for the time you took to advise. :)

[jjwoodhull]

Sorry, I didn't realize you had already made the effort to go to see him.

Counseling is always a great idea. It's good to talk to someone who has no vested interest in the situation. Appreciate the good relationships you do have in your life and try not to dwell on this bad one.

[Alty]

I can't imagine what you are going through, but I'm sure it hurts.

You cannot change someone else's actions, only your own. Counselling is a great idea, you need to find closure on this. It won't be easy, it won't be quick, but I think it will be worth it.

He is the one missing out, he is the one losing something potentially great, but that doesn't mean that you have to suffer too.

Enjoy your family, your child, your life, don't let him ruin it, don't give him that power. Easier said than done, but it's the truth.

Get counselling, really, I think it will do you a world of good.

Good luck.

[jambourrie]

Thanks for the helpful advice.

jjwoodhull - It made me feel good to read that. I do have such a great family here where I am, and still in my Mom and friends. I appreciate them in my life so much more now - especially knowing that they stood by me while I was going through the worst of emotions during this entire situation.

Altenweg - thank you too! I do think counselling is a good idea. I appreciate the need to try and focus less on this. Sometimes I just don't even think of it at all, and then some days it hurts so much that I feel like screaming and sobbing and asking "why????" - and then feeling silly and ashamed because "why should I even want the attentions of someone who did turn his back on me and my family?". The logical side and the emotional side - hehe, time for counselling when the emotional side starts getting tooooooo overpowering. (in the negative of course).

I am thankful for the role that my biological father now has in our lives as Grandpa... I believe him and my children are going to have a long, loving relationship, because that is the type of person he is. I feel so happy for them. We have a mutual respect, and really, my children are pretty much all we have in common beyond the DNA - but I do appreciate his being.

[Alty]

Jam, we're here if you need to vent, talk, cry, scream. What you are dealing with is hurtful, and yes, I think that therapy would help, very easy for me to say, I don't have to do it.

In fact, I'm great at giving advice, but rarely follow my own. I too have a situation that haunts me on a regular basis, and I have yet to go to therapy for it. I know I should, I know it would be a good move, I've even gone so far as to make an appointment, but I haven't gone. :(

So, do as I say, not as I do. ;)

[jambourrie]

It's hard work carrying that around all of the time... but you will go when you are ready for it, I am sure.

I have had to seek counselling in the past for other "major life events" (they seem to pile up on me, I have had quite the roller coaster ride the last few years! And I can honestly say I have benefitted from it. Some I did not - but then I kind of decided at the time (which was the right time) to resolve my issues. So I found someone new.

I was thinking more about this "Dad" thing earlier... and you know... I wasn't really close with him growing up, pretty much at all. We didn't really have much in common - he was quite antisocial, and not really good at communicating, or even showing that he possessed feelings.

But then after I graduated and finished some college, I went and lived in England. And you know what? Shockingly - he came to visit me there for two weeks. This man, he lives on an island out on the BC coast, has only ever been as far as Seattle, and actually frequently talked about his distate for any sort of travel - came to England! It was the first time in my entire life that I had actually spent time with him, one on one - as adults.

Previous to that, I would see him whenever I went back to Canada... or back home from where I was going to school - I sent cards for holidays and things, and called him frequently. He never really did, but I never really held it against him. After that visit to England, we always had a nice time whenever I went to visit. I quite miss that.

I wonder how to go about trying to find closure. I realise I will probably learn from a counsellor. But maybe just trying to let him know that I do miss those things, and that I perceive him as not.

I don't know.

[jambourrie]

That's me rambling, by the way. :P I seem to do it a lot when I am thinking long and hard about big events.

It seems to be the best way for me, because the questions come rolling in the more I ramble!

[Alty]

I really wish I had an exact answer for you, I don't know if a counsellor will either, but at least you might find closure if not an answer.

By the way, I see you live in Alberta Canada, me too. :)

[jambourrie]

Oh yes - I do! - Ive lived here a few years and so far I quite like it. How about you, are you originally from AB?

I fully expect through this whole process with trying to find closure and trying to maybe lower some of the hurt levels to learn a heck of a lot about myself. In a lot of ways, it has opened my eyes to a lot of different things. Especially relationships with other people that are still very strong.

[Alty]

I'm a German citizen, but I've lived in Canada since I was 3 1/2 years old. I consider myself Canadian. The snow and cold winters I could do without, but I love this country. :)

I live in Sherwood Park, it's a hamlet very close to Edmonton.

Jam, you have every reason to feel hurt, and every reason to deserve closure for this. I truly believe that we aren't given more than we can handle, and I also think that everything we go through happens for a reason, makes us stronger, teaches us something. We just have to learn what that something is. You are determined to find closure, therefore your will. You will also live your life to the fullest, because that's what you want. :)

[jambourrie]

I have some family up in Sherwood Park, but I haven't yet been up there. I am down in Calgary, myself. I am originally from Vancouver Island (had sea and moutains there... at least I have mountains here :)... well, within reach... ).

Life is insane, hey. You are right... despite some of the hardships and the total mind-bending craziness... I've turned out OK because nothing was more than I could handle. Having children has definitely made me a stronger person as well. They are brilliant motivators, and I want them to have a Mom who is all here. I love them too much to give up and give in to certain emotions and circumstances. Life is too short too.

[Alty]

Life is insane, but if you look closely you'll find sanity.

I lost both of my parents to cancer in 2001. My son was not yet 3 years old, my daughter wasn't even an idea yet. I literally don't have any parents left, you have a biological father that obviously cares for you and a father that raised you and is just being selfish right now. You have a lot to be happy about, you really do.

You are strong, I can hear it in your posts, therefore you will get through this. Not only for your kids, but also for you, because you deserve it. :)

I'm here if you need to talk, anytime. :)

[jambourrie]

Thank you for sharing - like I was saying in my introductory post, it is so appreicated to have the ability to relate - good or bad. Im sorry to hear of all of what you went through in your life too. (I realise we all go through SO much rubbish) and you are right, there is sanity.

I was thinking more about how these situations could make or break us. By making us - we go through the insanity, and know even more coming out the other end, what is is to be sane. And happy too. And appreciative.

This is a good place!

Take care and enjoy the last few good days we have before the cold, cold weekend...

[Alty]

The cold came early to Sherwood Park, brrrrrr. :(

Erika, one thing I have learned in life. No matter how bad you think your situation is, someone else has it worse, and that person who has it worse, well, there's someone who has it worse then them.

We all have burdens and hardships, we can either try to fight them ourselves or ask for help. Those that stand alone fall alone, those that ask for help have someone to catch them before they fall.

I'm glad that you're enjoying AMHD, it's a wonderful place with wonderful people. :)

[jambourrie]

I love it... (AMHD) - thing is... questions pop up in my head every day, and I feel like asking about 100 of them a day. Hehehehe.

Im going to post a new one soon... I want to ask some opinions on something that happened to me yesterday. :) This is fun.

Im glad I have had a chance to have this back and forth with you - you are insightful and I love that you are willing to share. Again you are right - the ones who ask for help are the ones with the support networks who catch us while we fall...

Then help us back up again.

[Alty]

I sometimes think I share too much, the only thing I haven't posted is my social insurance number. ;)

I'll be looking for your new post. :)