[starlite1]

Hi Everyone,

I want to start by saying how wonderful you all are, and that I thank God for this chat site. Perhaps you may know me from posting on the 'Relationship' section, which is absolutley wonderful as well, and I can't thank you all enough. My name is Karen and have been battling with depression since I was a child, and now I just got diagnosed with BPD. I am thankful in one aspect that I finally know what is wrong with me but I am so scared, and have been living through hell, and I am now putting my boyfriend through hell as well. He is loving and so supportive, but, by the same token, is angry and frustrated by my outbursts/episodes. When he would flirt, and make comments in the past about pretty women (I know, a lot of men, and women, do this), however, I keep thinking he doesn't love me, doesn't think I am pretty enough for him, not good enough sexually, and that he would rather be with someone different. He assures me over and over, that he loves me, he doesn't want anyone else, that I am pretty, sexy, etc and that he isn't going anywhere. He has said that he feels that I have been pushing him away, because what he says hasn't been sinking in, I just have these dark images constantly in my head, of him cheating, desiring someone else, being intimite with someone else, and he is getting frustrated at me (rightfully so). I am even ashamed to be out in public, because even when I am alone and a pretty girl is around, these thoughts of 'if he saw her, he would rather be with her'. I hate living like this, and I am getting help. How long does it take to get better?

I go to a psychologist once a week, and my boyfriend went with me last week, and the therapist saw how I was acting, and told me to imagine a stop sign when I get these thoughts, and back off from constantly asking my b/f these things.

I also went to a psychiatrist, and he diagnosed me with the BPD, and started me on 5 mg of Abilify and Pristiq (50 mg), then eventually wants to add Lithium on top. I have taken meds in the past (prozac, wellbutrin, lexapro, zoloft, cimbalta), but I haven't been on anything for almost 2 years. Now my episodes started back up around spring of this year. I am so scared of ever losing him, and pushing him away. How do I learn to trust, and hear his words?

He has been reading a lot on this disorder with me, and although he tries to understand, it is hard for him. Now I feel that he wants to distance himself. But I love him, and I want to make him happy again. I feel so guilty and horrible.

How do I not do this behavior? The dr. said I will have to be on meds for a long time, maybe life?

Thanks everyone.
Karen

[mikedem7]

Maybe you can write this letter to him.

[starlite1]

Hi Mike,

Actually I have in a similar way, and he has been so supportive. I just feel so horrible because of this condition and how my though process is so frustrating and draining on him, and me.

Is there anyone who has this condition or knows of someone who does? How do you cope, and yet be there for the ones who are there for you?

Thank you

[jambourrie]

Karen,

I am with a man who is depressed and has episodes whereby he questions me and treats me as though I have done smething horribly wrong to him.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I am not sure if I can cope with some of the outbursts of irritability and irrational comments that really don't make a whole hell of a lot of sense to me.

I can see how he hurts after the situations occur, and they have cooled down. He feels such remorse and wants to know how he can prevent these things from happening. Upon reading your first message about the psychiatrist telling you to imagine a stop sign - I want him to have a read of that, and maybe that could be a resource that could help him.

I too, am thankful for this site - I appreciate how you can relate a little bit with someone somewhere, and for a moment, there is some hope and clarity.

How are things going for you now?

[starlite1]

Karen,

I am with a man who is depressed and has episodes whereby he questions me and treats me as though I have done smething horribly wrong to him.

Somtimes it gets to the point where I am not sure if I can cope with some of the outbursts of irritability and irrational comments that really don't make a whole hell of alot of sense to me.

I can see how he hurts after the situations occur, and they have cooled down. He feels such remorse and wants to know how he can prevent these things from happening. Upon reading your first message about the psychiatrist telling you to imagine a stop sign - I want him to have a read of that, and maybe that could be a resource that could help him.

I too, am thankful for this site - I appreciate how you can relate a little bit with someone somewhere, and for a moment, there is some hope and clarity.

How are things going for you now?

Hi Erika,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. However, your boyfriend is so lucky to have you in his life, as I am lucky to have my boyfriend in mine. I have good days and not so good days, but because of the medicine, I am dealing with my outbursts better. Again, I know I have a long road ahead, but I know with the love and support from my boyfriend, family and the counsuling from the therapist, I will get better. I have to for myself and for the good of my boyfriend and family.

Is your boyfriend in therapy? How are you feeling?

Karen

[jambourrie]

Hi Karen,

I always smile when I know someone who needs it, is getting the support they need. Sometimes I wish I had a little bit more - I guess by way of people that can relate - but I do have some good friends, and a close relationship with my Mom.

Im feeling pretty allright right now. My boyfriend is in a cousnelling program, and is waiting to hear back from someone regarding cognitive behaviour therapy. He was also just prescribed Concerta for his ADD, which they suggest will help him focus more, and that will give him more confidence? Like you said - there is a long road ahead.

I appreciate your reply by the way - it's nice to have someone to relate to - good and bad. Very hopeful. :)

[starlite1]

Hi Karen,

I always smile when I know someone who needs it, is getting the support they need. Somtimes I wish I had a little bit more - I guess by way of people that can relate - but I do have some good friends, and a close relationship with my Mom.

Im feeling pretty allright right now. My boyfriend is in a cousnelling program, and is waiting to hear back from someone regarding cognitive behaviour therapy. He was also just prescribed Concerta for his ADD, which they suggest will help him focus more, and that will give him more confidence? Like you said - there is a long road ahead.

I appreciate your reply by the way - it's nice to have someone to relate to - good and bad. Very hopeful. :)

Hi Erika,

You are so welcome. We are all here for you :-)

Karen

[KBC]

Hi Karen,

I am manic/depressed, diagnosed 10 or so years ago.

I have been on many,many meds,just as you have.

Your first post asked how long on meds?Probably for life,unless you enjoy the ups and downs associated with bi-polar.

As the medications begin to be therapeutic you will notice changes in your perception of the world around you,your relationships,your attitude towards life itself.

But... it takes time for these changes to happen.

Even to the extent of changing the meds,adding some, altering them some... etc.

We(bipolar people) somehow want life to be like it seems to be for other people,you know,easy going,always attractive,flowing and seamless.

And it can be! It just has to be life on life's terms,not our deluded manic or depressed state.

Can you remember when all seamed like it was flowing by and we were a productive member,not an observer?

It can be like that again.Patience,acceptance,and willingness to change are the keys to this life,it takes time,allow yourself some of this freedom of self and try to go with the psychiatrist/psychologists treatment, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?

If this makes sense,let me know,I am a daily checker on AMHD and would like to see your progress.

Ken

[starlite1]

Hi Ken,

Thank you so much for your response. I am so happy for you that you are doing better. I love to hear that! I actually have BPD which is similar to BiPolar disorder (manic/depression). So far I have been feeling a little better, until my boyfriend triggers it by saying something dumb (not meaning it), and instead of me freaking out and crying hysterically, I feel sad and maybe will cry, but not nearly as bad as I was. I guess the meds are helping and the therapy with my councelor, and of course all of you. I just wish I could let things roll off my back easier if I am triggered by something, especially in relationships. I always then feel ugly or worthless or that my boyfriend (past relationships too) would leave me or be with another woman, because we have a fight or disagreement.

[starlite1]

Hi Everyone,

It's me again. Well, I seem to feel pretty good these days, but I still get really insecure as though I am not good enough for my man, etc. Does anyone ever feel this way? If so, how do you deal with this? Having BPD is so difficult.

Thanks, Karen

[toolguyny]

I am a 38 year old gay man and have to take wellbutrin for depression myself. However, for 2 years ( beginning of 2000-end of 2001) I was in a relationship with someone that had been diagnosed 7 years previous to our meeting as being bipolar (manic-depressive) the mood swings were so dramatic and confusing without knowing what was happening, he blamed me for everything, after about 18 months of a continuos roller coaster ride I said I'd had enough and just simply COULDN'T do it anymore, it was emotionally draining me which takes your entire health down with it. I had figured out that he definitely had a problem and by my own "guesstimate", not being a doctor, I thought perhaps he had BPD, they are similar in traits. That was when he admitted his illness and that he had been diagnosed but refused to take the meds necessary for treatment up to that point. He then agreed to see a doctor for treatment as he didn't want our relationship to end. I've read many books about it and it is common practice for people to go on and off the meds, they think they are better after awhile because they feel better due to the meds, then they stop taking them because they don't think they need them anymore and the cycle begins again. Its now been going on 8 years since I left him... I just ran into him last night for the first time in years and he is still cycling through it, god love his partner for staying with him, it's a rough ride. The highs are so high and wonderful but the lows are just as dramatic in the other direction, and for him he could go through both swings within a day without any obvious outside cause. Some people as I understand it cycle slower, staying in a high or low for a longer period. He didn't have any long time friends and his family all walked on egg shells around him. I'm not sure I've actually offered any help, just sharing my experience in dealing with someone else with a similar situation, it is difficult, but education for yourself and those closest to you on what it is, how it affects you and how they can understand what's happening to help deal with it I think is key in your effective treatment. Good luck to you.

[starlite1]

Hi Toolguy,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I know how hard this must have been on you as well as your partner. I hate living like this, and putting my boyfriend through it. He is so supportive, but anytime I have an episode, I hit his nerve. I pray that my meds continue to help and that I have fewer episodes so that I don't lose this man. I love him dearly and honestly I couldn't imagine my life without him in it.

[starlite1]

Well everyone, I am having a bad day today. All I want to do is cry. Nothing in particular triggered this today, I am just having my dark thoughts. They consist of how beautiful my boyfriend is, and how ugly I feel that I am. I afraid that I am not pretty enough or good enough for him. How do I stop these destructive thoughts?