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brennlee · Aug 11, 2008, 08:50 PM

My pop pop died July 12 and he was almost 96

My fiancé would not go to the funeral with me, I didn't know until later that he had a prior "gaming" engagement with his friends, that he has not bothered to hang out with in a year or so.

In asking further he said he felt not welcomed by my family in previous meetings, even though the last time he went there with me he was welcomed and even hugged.

My issue is I have not fully dealt with the grief of all this and feel I have no where or no one to really turn to, I have expressed how much this hurt me, by not having him help me through this, but he doesn't seem to care. He has lost both his parents, and has no grandparents but I was and am really close to all my family. I try to think maybe he just doesn't understand closeness and it's a defensive thing, but ultimately it still hurts he could not support me. My friends at work are all shocked and can not believe he wouldnt' go with me.

They say I should already by packed and gone.

My grand pa meant the world to my family, and I still can not really think about him being gone. I haven't dealt with it yet and its almost 30 days...

N0help4u · Aug 11, 2008, 08:55 PM

People do deal with things like this differently. For one thing he may have a hard time dealing with death and funerals. I can understand you feeling the need to be comforted but if he can not understand or relate then you have to accept that he still loves you even if he can not express his feelings in some ways.

brennlee · Aug 11, 2008, 09:06 PM

Thank you... its hard for me to understand why he wouldn't. My friends all say he is worthless and I should leave, but the problem is I love him. I also am very bad at choosing people to love in that regard.

I appreciate your point of view so much thank you

JAMIET · Aug 15, 2008, 03:48 PM

1st of all Brennlee, I'm sorry for the loss of your grandpa. It's never easy losing anyone. I too agree that everyone deals with grief in their own way, but do pay attention to your fiancee's reactions as you move through your own grieving process... does he offer you a hug and a shoulder to cry on, or leave you alone when you're feeling down and remembering.. I have a soon to be ex husband that refused to come to my Mother's funeral in 2002. Then when my Dad passed in 2006 , I insisted that he go with me, and all the while, he complained about having to go,saying, "you're Dad didn't like me , why should I go?" I told him to go to support me!

Well, he went to the funeral , but left and didn't go to the gravesite with me, which still bothers me.

6 mons after my father died, my husbands Mother died. I was ready for the funeral before he was, he didn't want to go and he loved his mother tremendously. I had to convince him to go.

In hind sight though, watch out for signs of selfishness... those people didn't have a choice in dying, but we all have a choice in attending and honoring someone. Someone not wanting to go because "they can't handle it.." raised plenty of red flags for me. Just my thoughts.

Make sure to take care of yourself! God Bless!

brennlee · Aug 19, 2008, 02:52 AM

That is my main problem with all of this... plenty of red flags.

Thank you for seeing what I unfortunately see

I don't know if its intuition or me just trying to see the bad because of previous hurt

He should have at least tried to see, and he doesn't.

I know he has been through a lot, but so have I and I am always wanting to be there for him even when he tried to push me away

I needed him and I need someone, time and time again he is not there.

brennlee · Aug 19, 2008, 02:55 AM

He told me my family didn't make him feel welcome. They were grieving with me leaving so suddenly ( I moved away with no notice about 7 months before this happened) I know in my heart it was an easy excuse, they made my ex feel very welcome at the funeral and wake, even thought he treated me horrible in our divorce. They are easy people they just want what is best for me.

fored · Aug 19, 2008, 07:34 AM

Brennlee,

So sorry for you and your family. His attitude and lack of compassion don't bode well for your future success. You may need someone - we all do. But probably not him.

Do not make excuses for his behavior. He could have a true lack of empathy which could be disastrous if you are thinking of a family. If he loved you more than himself he would have gone. Sorry to tell you this at this difficult time. I know my statements will make your loss feel like it is compounded (Which it is). But... one can not lose what one never had.
You stated that you make bad choices about relationships. Well you perpetuate a bad choice when you continue to go with someone you can't trust. Let's fast forward a few years after you have had babies with him and you are going through a divorce. You are guilt ridden because of the choice you made is going to be paid for emotionally by you and your children. Also you are broke because of his "Gaming" habit which has grown into a gambling habit. Even though you don't have enough $ for diapers and formula and an attorney he has plenty of money for a Divorce Lawyer, drinks, and his slutty girlfriend.
See what John Edwards did ? That's a narcissist or sociopath at play. Extricate yourself
And go out there and date lots of guys. You seem sweet and kind. Protect that. You will find
Good men.
Best wishes and prayers to you, your family, and your future... (From a Daddy)

Danap · Aug 23, 2008, 10:20 PM

Look, it would have been good of him to go to the funeral with you. You need to come to terms with your grief and you can't do that worrying about his behavior. Talk to the people who can identify with your pain. Later on, you may want to deal with his unsupportive behavior, but for right now, deal with yourself.