[goldilox]

I just want to know how possible it is for a gay guy to go straight because I have this friend who is actually my best friend and we both go way back from school and now we work together... we do practically everything together; work, party, gym, tennis, you name it, except sleep together. He has been claiming to be interested in me during those years we've been friends but its almost as if his gears changes time to time.. so like some times he shows his interest in me and other times it goes back to just being friends. This has gone on for years but I've always had my suspicions that he had this gay thing to him which he always denied when I asked him. I've seen the way he behaves with other gay guys and most of his guy friends are gay... he enjoys flirting with them and a few occasions I've seen him go back to his room with them even though he said that they just wanted to spend the night because they were tired. Right now he's started back on that same trend where he's really getting emotional and all about me and he wants to be with me. I am confused. I'm beginning to have these feelings for him that I never thought I would feel and I don't know what to do... he gets mad when he sees others guys interested in me and right now he's being very cold as a result of that... for a few weeks now we have not been as close as we've always been and hardly even communicating... what do you think?do you think he can change?

[XenoSapien]

Yes, he can change; make sure you don't. Find out what it is about women that he dislikes. Why is it that he isn't attracted to them. Then, when the time is right, go deeper. Was he abused as a child?

XenoSapien

[goldilox]

I'm actually female... I know that he's been asking me to be with him for a long time but like I said he gets into different modes now and then... like when he brought it up in the past I was dating someone else and I told him that I couldn't be with him in that way and that we have such a great friendship that I can almost see him as a brother to me and maybe turning this into a relationship might change everything. Now after so long I'm finally feeling that way for him because I am no longer in a relationship for over a year... Personally I don't know how long he's going to take to get back to himself... but I'm trying really hard to speak to him but he duzn't want to come out and speak much about it... he gives me that cold shoulder allt he time and it hurts me... one thing he's always said before that once he gets hurt once he does not turn back... and he got really mad that he saw me having lunch with just a friend of mine just casually... not like we had something going me and him but funny how he reacted towards that... he got really jealous... what do you think I can do to bring him back?any suggestions?

[goldilox]

I don't think he was ever abused as a child but if ever he never spoke about it... everytime I ask him when we go out why is it that he only flirts with guys and not females... he says that he does but I just don't see it... but he's covering up and I can read right through him.

[XenoSapien]

I'm actually female......i know that he's been asking me to be with him for a long time but like i said he gets into different modes now and then...like when he brought it up in the past i was dating someone else and i told him that i couldn't be with him in that way and that we have such a great friendship that i can almost see him as a brother to me and maybe turning this into a relationship might change everything. now after so long im finally feelin that way for him because i am no longer in a relationship for over a year....Personally i dont know how long he's gonna take to get back to himself....but im trying really hard to speak to him but he duzn't want to come out and speak much about it...he gives me that cold shoulder allt he time and it hurts me.....one thing he's always said before that once he gets hurt once he duz not turn back...and he got really mad that he saw me having lunch wiht just a friend of mine just casually.....not like we had something going me and him but funny how he reacted towards that...he got really jealous....what do you think i can do to bring him back?any suggestions?

Thank you for critical confirmation that you are female--that changes my initial impression; my apologies.

He sounds like he wants to be with you. Like sGt. HarDKorE said, he may be bi, however.

You are now sounding as though you are having feelings for him. If so, then perhaps you need to give the relationship a try after all. HOWEVER I strongly recommend playing the "do you have an attraction to men?" card in a gentle manner first. If it is something you don't want in your relationship, you need and deserve the answer.

XenoSapien

[Xrayman]

He's bisexual from his behaviour with you, can you live with that if you were in a relationship with him-there is a good chance he would want to be with men even if he was with you.

[GlindaofOz]

How old are the both of you?

[goldilox]

We are both the same age 25, he's just a few months older... we get along so very well... we share everything together except maybe what he's been hiding away from me... I am willing to give this a try even though I have my suspicions but he refuses to communicate with me now since this happened... I try very hard to get him to come out to speak and to at least be himsefl again but he's making it very hard... and it hurts me... he hardly speaks to me now... we play tennis together most days and he hardly utters a word... this is so not like him... I was hoping that he wudve gotten over this eventually but its been about 4weeks already since he's behaviour has changed... do you think he will come out of it eventually even though it takes him longer than I wudve thought? Or do you think he's just created this wall where he's decided that he duzn't want to do this anymore.. I am confused, I don't know what to think and I'm afraid after all this years it took me to feel this way that he's pulling back now...

[goldilox]

I definitely want to give it a try now but one thing I do know is that if we have to do this I woudlnt' be happy if he also wants to be with other guys as well.. do you think there's a possibility he can change... do you think there's anythign I can do to help him come out of this mode that he is in and anythign I can do to help him from being gay? I may be asking for the impossibles but I would like to know the opinion of others on this.

[Dennis777]

Hello.

It sounds like he is confused about who he is. Give him some time to find himself, if he doesn't then set him down and ask him about how he feels.

Dennis777

[GlindaofOz]

He could be starting the process for himself or trying to come out.

Also remember that how you feel may not be reflected in him and you may be seeing what you want. A lot of guys get protective about their female friends its kind of a natural reaction. I would let this slide and see what happens. I would assure him that you are there for him and that you will always be his friend no matter what.

There are a lot of gay men who deny their sexuality for fear of being punished by friends and family. Some gay men marry straight women, have children then buckle after years of being married because its too hard to live a life that's not really who you are.

[goldilox]

A part of me tells me that he might just be confused denise but sometimes I am just so convinced that he's leaning more towards that side because of he reaction around guys... like times we go to the bars and so on.. he enjoys flirting with them so much and hardly ever does he flirt around with the females... I just hope that soon enough I can get out of this confusion because its hurting me inside... and I feel sad for him if this is really where his interest lies... I wish he could come out of it or soemthing to change his mind about it... if it is ever possible

[kp2171]

I'm probably not going to say what you want to hear.

I think basic, primal impulses are hard to ignore. We all have desires and wishes that most of us suppress to some degree... but if he naturally gravitates toward men, and doesn't at all toward women other than you to some degree, id say he is gay and that's probably that.

I have a good friend who is bi. Mostly she likes men for long term relationships, but she's not shy about approaching women. In a club shed dance with whomever she found attractive and it could be a guy or a girl. And I know she's had some relationships with women that were hush hush.

I have another good friend whod id call "in the hallway"... he's not exactly in the closet, and he isn't in the front yard marching with rainbow banners. But he does show mild affection toward guys in the right public setting, and none toward women other than good conversation.

Now, that doesn't make my any kind of expert. But my gay friend acts like yours, and my bi friend, who is attracted to the opposite sex, doesn't act like your friend.

He's likely attracted to your great qualities... and even the jealously can be rationalized. He might genuinely be conflicted. He might just want to be with someone as great as you. But not you, necessarily. He might love the security of the friendship, but struggle with the physical side.

I don't know. The dealbreaker here is communication. He's known you long enough he should be able to open up. Does he not trust you? Does he not trust himself? Does he not know what he wants? I don't know.

So... id like to say you have a foundation for something more than friends, but I think itd going to take a lot more from him. And I think you are just going to bang your head against a wall.

You want to be pursued, right? "saving" someone isn't what its about. You want a partner who needs you, is after you, and wants you on many fundamental levels.

Best you can do is try to talk some more and open the discussion up. If he resists, id say there's just too much baggage.

[goldilox]

Thanks guys... but the funny thing is a few weeks ago before all this tension came along which was as a result of me having lunch with another male friend very casually... it was like the day before when we sat and had a heart to heart conversation with each other... mostly him... he came out for the very first time boldly to say how he feels about me which started ever since our school days... and he went on and on to the point where he said he sees me as the only person he wants to be with and spend his life with... another thing is he always make jokes about us being together or me having to take care of him when he's old and can't help himself and that sort of thing... every one around us are amazed of how well we get along and they always say that we will someday be married... but anyhow... all in all... he's been very jealous lately when other guys hit on me... I don't know if he was in the past and just didn't show it but from the little he's said recently is that he poured out his heart to me for the first time and I did this to him (having lunch with another guy)... but the thing is, yes we did speak about our feelings for each other but we had never gotten to a point where we had decided that OK, lets take this to a different level or lets give this a try... nothing like that was discussed, I'm not left with anything but just the knowledge of how he feels... and again in the back of my mind I'm thinking about this other side to him... what does he really want?

[kp2171]

Proceed at your own risk.

I'm just going to assume he is telling the truth. No reason to think he's trying to manipulate you for any reason.

My concern, is as mentioned in my previous post. Maybe he wants a more "socially acceptable" relationship and he sees you as a possible match. But id be worried and cautious that his urges and attraction for men would resurface again. And if he isn't genuinely attracted to you physically, then you need to be OK with denying your sexual side or at least willing to risk that his attraction may be more mental than physical. Or you need to be willing to face what might be a struggle for him to deny his desires.

While I agree there can be marriages and relationships where physical intimacy are less important, its still something to think about. I might satisfy my wife in many ways mentally and intellectually, but I can tell you that were I to neglect her physically, thered be a BIG problem. Scour the threads here and you'll see the misery of people in meaningful relationships that have turned sexless or are without intimacy.

And I worry that if you don't have that intimacy, that really you are choosing a roommate and not a mate. That you might spend your time making excuses for the lack of affection, if it happens, because you knew who he was from the start.

I'm not saying don't do it. You have to make that call. But there are enough red flags to make me think it's a long shot. Then again, straight men can marry and never be with another woman by keeping their vows... so why not think a man who has lived a gay life can't do the same?

Just seems like hed be repressing his urges and you might end up feeling guilty for that.

[goldilox]

I appreciate your opinion and you do have some valid points... however.. my mind is telling me not to allow this to happen but part of my body wants to be with him... and you made a point about relationships where physical intimacy is less imortant and I could admit for myself that that in itself would be a big problem for me... he has attempted on many occasions to get close to my physically... we've kissed and made out a few times in the recent past but prior to that he had attempted on many occasions but back then I didn't feel that way about him yet. When I had given in he had literally begged me to let him feel me... in the past when he did I had turn him off esp when he begged to be my boyfriend on countless occasions... I don't know what's happening... sometimes I want to believe it is something genuine and other times I have my doubts... but I'm afraid to fall too deep into this and then get hurt... but its hard to change those feelings now... I told him recently that I hate what he did to me... meaning how he's made me feel towards him now...

[kp2171]

"i hate that you made me like you" isn't really a great thing to hear... I mean you don't want to guilt him into dating you, and even if he is confused... your confusion is yours. Own it.

Well there are no guarantees in any dating. The complications make it... well, just more complicated.

What you aren't allowed to do is date him and then rail on him if it all goes south. You KNOW in advance he has struggled with this and you know his tendencies toward men. That's not a free pass to treat you poorly, but you are walking into this with full knowledge that it's a house built on sandy ground.

No guarantees ever... and most relationships take a leap of faith at some point. Just don't deflect blame toward him. I really dislike that you told him you hate how he's made you feel toward him. It might be true you are frustrated, for good reasons, but that statement is about deflecting your frustrations and it makes him a guilty party.

Again, he is some. And so are you.

[goldilox]

Maybe it was a bad idea for me to say this but it wasn't said to make him feel guilty... I was frustrated about it all and the fact that he refused to speak to me... he just won't get over what happened and be himself again... and sometimes I hate the fact that I allowed this to happen to me... I wish to just see him in the same way I always did before... just best friends... now I want to go back to how I felt before but its hard... I see him everyday at work... we play tennis and do gym everyday together even as there's this tension between us... maybe if we weren't in contact so much it would help me... but I'm really trying to get myself out of it... I think it may be the best thing.. but one thing I don't want is even if I go back to my old self.. I don't want our friendship to go down or to change... thats why a long time ago when he begged me to be with him even when I didn't feel anythign towards him yet.. I did tell him its better we say good friends because getting into a relationship would change a lot of things since our emtions and stuff would be involved now...

[goldilox]

I'm a bit lost in your last comment. Can you please mame me understand better... also, I am not seeing anyone... I haven't been in over a year... who he saw me having lunch with was only just a casual friend and a lunch that was very unplanned... and while I know this other guy has interest in me... I know that he (my bestfriend) knows in his heart that I am not interested in that other guy...

[kp2171]

...he gets mad when he sees others guys interested in me and right now he's being very cold as a result of that

he's been very jealous lately when other guys hit on me.....

but the funny thing is a few weeks ago before all this tension came along which was as a result of me having lunch with another male friend very casually

It doesn't matter whether you are seeing anyone. His acting angry cause of the possibility someone might be interested in you, when he hasn't been willing to be all in or all out is selfish behavior.

If he wants to be with you it should be more than joking comments about how he wants to grow old with you. He isn't chasing you. He isn't pursuing you. He's stringing you along with this "i love you so much" noise but he doesn't really take the plunge. And in the meantime he's angry when you have a casual lunch date?

Hell... that's not even healthy behavior from a simple friend.

So the last comment you were confused about, I'm guessing was the "agree" rating, was just saying your struggle and frustration are justified in that he doesn't want you with anyone else, and he doesn't want you enough to be really all in.

So now you have to tip toe like you're walking on eggshells? I think you are doing all the work here. What do you have to apologize for? Why should you pay for his insecurities?

Again, acting pi$$y cause you get hit on and have other guy friends is sophomoric, selfish behavior.